Life and Death

So life and death. Tragic as it seems but in the moment, its just that - a moment. A second in time... a void in space...I can say a person  I knew. Not a friend but an acquaintance.. someone I had some contact with... died this week. It made me sad. It made me feel empathy for the others that were effected by it that were much much closer to him because when...when they hurt - I hurt also

Its has to be the same for God for when we hurt - God hurts we hurts with us. I don't know if there is a right or wrong reason to grieve. We all will cope with this lost and process  it in our tiny minds in different ways but one the thing is certain most people know that knew him - know God within their hearts so it isn't a good by but see you soon....

de•feat•ed

de·feat·ed
/diˈfētid/
Adjective
Having been beaten down in the work place by your supervisor
Demoralized and overcome by adversity.
Synonyms
beaten - vanquished

House Arrest

So not a cold. Not a sinus infection. But the FLU. THE FLIPPIN FLU.

So I've come to the realization after clicking the remote for the last ten days or so - it's me. As Dr Phil echoes in my mind, I can't runaway from myself. Trapped in the endless cycle of self destruction. Last Friday in the cold sweat of migraine/head pounding aches pains - did I take too much of everything - more likely. Passing out in the middle of the hallway at the wee hours of the morning - ugh PAINFUL!!!

Brent in a rage of accusations from past experiences - can't defend against them. He still believes I don't need to take anything.

So fast forward: would I make a good hermit? Maybe.
- pajamas
- sleep
- click remote
- sleep
- pajamas and no one cares they don't match
- Internet/laptop/iPhone/iPad
- dish-network
- sleep who cares
- bad hair who cares
- pjs who cares
- only one person really texted me Brent
- no friends missed me so who cares I stayed home at all

So life begins again on Monday - so does this mean all my problems are just that ME!!!

Happy Holidays

So a week has quickly past and all is the same or so it may seam I guess I should say. I've kept mostly to myself because I can't trust what will come out of my mouth. The migraines are worse the more I try not to think but the allergies/cold/cough is never ending cycle with sleepless restlessness of horrors thoughts...

How do people cope? How can you make sense of stuff that is senseless? Cruel? Death of the innocence? I don't understand? I cry and I don't know why!

Christmas Day with family at the in laws. At least it was pleasant and kind. Still riddled with the migraine and Brent has no understand... Some well thoughtful gifts others ok but then again I did the same.

To be continued...

Blue skies

to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit -- lessen the activity

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy 

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry 

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely 

Sunshine almost always makes me high 

I hate funerals! How sad! How emotionally draining! Painful! Longings to isolate into nothing because I feel like a nothing! Nothing is ever good enough!

omg

in lowercase sense
----------
I feel old
My back hurts
My neck is stiff
My brain is pulsating
My fingers are sore and painful from chewing off the nails

There us no life

idc

i don't care