So what I "believe" that no matter which choice I make; I’ve already failed. No matter how hard I try to please others, I’ve failed. No matter how others see me, in my mind I am not worth the trouble to get to know me…BUTStagnation is staying stuck in the middle of a double bind. Resolving double binds is the key for change... Staying stuck in the middle of a lose/lose situation produces feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and fear. These are the very emotions that coping behaviors anesthetize...
(The Genesis Process wkbk, pg 45)
There is always a BUT…what I call crisis and drama along with stress, anxiety, panic attacks etc…I’m told I’m “oversensitive” emotionally. I can’t see that it is a good thing but some (who are really really smart) tell me that it is a spiritual gift – empathy.
… the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner…My brother used to say I was a crybaby…whatever I was stimulated with, a book, movie, tv show or just a commercial (hallmark one especially) – it would make me cry – I could imagine the experience and emotions that I would take that on…so I guess I created my own stress and reality…sometimes it was fiction or other times it was real. I remember in junior high, I would go over to a girlfriends house. She was actually a year behind me. She lived in “the pink house” (everyone wondered why the painted the house pink – I mean close to bubble gum pink). They were the only black family in the neighborhood. She had to much older brothers and one 5. We would have the 5 y/o with us most of the time…he actually was pretty good for his age. Her mom worked (all the time) and wasn’t home much…the older boys were out too. But the dad was home – I thought that was different but I didn’t know at the time that he didn’t really have a job…he would be in the living room and just sit there, in his underwear…didn’t really say much. Playing a Kelly’s house was always interesting…we would start playing and end up “playing” house…which means we cleaned…I don’t think it was a chore for Kelly…I just think it was her way of coping living in that house. Most of the time was cleaning the very small kitchen. I not sure who cooked…most of the dishes had burnt food so there was a little elbow grease to get the food off. Many of times I would go home and ask mom for some cleaning supplies. Sometimes she would give me cans of food and mac & cheese to take back. After cleaning we would make “dinner” and a dessert…that’s how I learned to bake….there was plenty of flour and eggs to make it from scratch…dinner consisted usually of can something – soups, raviolis. I always wished I could do more but my mom didn’t have a lot to feed us either. I think about Kelly every once in a while and wonder how her life turned out…she moved about a year later and I didn’t know where….
I know I need to be thankful of what I have…I know I have more then most…but I sometimes think “everyone around me” would be better without me – that the selfish side of not wanting to participate in life.
