Running still...

Do you ever get the impression you're just running but not getting anywhere fast? Then there's the saying running on empty...when do you get to fill up? I had a situtation today that presented a lot of anmosity between us. I'm actually assisting her in her organizational skills and imputting her grades. Her concept of time management and mine are completely different. Not to mention she's upset that I told her how it is about her grading. Maybe I did step out of line but maybe it's the first time I've actually express my true feelings about what she does that effects me. It didn't help that students where interupting us and I guess she felt I addressed her when the students were there and she didn't appreciate that. Soooo how does that make me feel? I guess I go back to that false belief "other's opinions matter to my self worth". I know that's wrong but that's the gut feeling. I'm so empty I can't see how confronting is better! I know she's not happy with me right now and maybe in time, she'll get over it or we'll ignor it...but it's still there.

What is Normal?

Is normal 98.6 degrees?...Is normal the sunshining?...When you can function at a minimin level? So what is normal?

2 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm,
rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular
pattern

3 : occurring naturally 4 a : of, relating to,
or characterized by average intelligence or development b : free from
mental disorder : SANE

So being normal is therefore being sane? Why do we have to define what sane or normal is. Why does everyone judge us on what we do and say as being acceptable or unacceptable? And does that make the norm average?

Me, Myself, & I...

How can I feel so alone with some many people around me today? It's hard to make it through the moments of sheer panic I wonder sometimes if I could just run, run far away! Then the adult in me comes back to responsibilities ... ahhhh the grown up years and expectations.

In the wee small hours of the morning...

My brain decided to wake up around 4am this morning...so I thought I'd become more productive and get up. Did a load of laundry which are in the dryer now. (had to wash my nascar shirt so that I could wear it today) Answered a bunch of emails and thought I need to blog. I haven't been doing this as much in the past couple of weeks.

Giving Up?

"But Knowing that Jesus has suffered rejection should serve as some comfort to you as well. He did nothing wrong, but was hung from a cross. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up. Afterall, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Heb 12:3-4

So even when we feel like giving up...take refuge in Christ and God's love. Is that the hope for hopelessness?

And when the bow breaks....

life as we know it comes crashing down around us and life goes on as it is...

Wheels...

The wheels on the car go round and round round and round....Nascar up close! Went to the Busch race today and really can say I had a good time. My husband and I take our annual trip to Texas. This is one of the first years it hasn't rained! Yeah!! It felt so good to be out in the sun and with the wind although I think my husband got a little sunburn even when I put sunscreen on him. hmmmm He's just a really white boy...well pink right now! haha

Laughter...

What is funny? What makes people laugh? How do you just laugh at the most stupidest things that later on aren't as funny as at the time? What makes people funny or funny people? I've been pondering these questions for the last hour. Someone made comments that it's fun to work here becuase there are funny people around...hmmm, funny people...then I got to thinking we do have some qurky people and warped sense of humor. I do laugh at them, with them but would I call it fun? I guess I don't think about it being fun but maybe it is...maybe that's a good thing or a better way to look at things. So that brings be back around. What is funny...anything that makes me laugh. It used to be everything now it's only here and there but at least it's there!

Good Night Sleep?

is that a statement...what is considered a good night sleep? Some say you're supposed to get 7 to 10 hours...I'm lucky to get 7 and that's with help. What is my problem...I get turn my brain off when it's time for bed (around 10:30pm). I'm thinking way too much about the day about tomorrrow and of course the "what ifs". I know I've blogged about this before. My counselor calls it sleep hyigene but then again I can't always follow the rules. I know I toss and turn in my sleep because the sheets are always messed up when I wake up or my feet get cold in the middle of the night. Then I usually wake up around 5 - 5:30 and stay in bed until 7:00am. I need to get up earlier because I'm getting to work about 5 minutes later then I should. It all comes back to am I getting a good nights sleep. It is sleep but I don't then it's that great.

Change...

Well, its been two days since I last posted...why...not that much going on or too much going on and not enough words to write. Change...can't change the things I want to so I've cut my hair & colored. Someone suggested green but I'm on the safe side with plain old brown just enough to cover the gray! Do I like the hair cut? hmmm it's growing on me but then again it's really short for me. Got to the point of no return when I couldn't fix my hair any which direction for it to look good. It's just my neck is cold! haha

WHAT DO YOU REGARD AS THE LOWEST DEPTH OF MISERY?

Spiritually - separation from God
Mentally - believing in my thoughts
Physically - pain
Emotionally - feelings of being alone

What is misery? 1 : a state of suffering and want that is the result of poverty or affliction 2 : a circumstance, thing, or place that causes suffering or discomfort 3 : a state of great unhappiness and emotional distress

"... great unhappiness and emotional distress" strikes me where I'm at but is it great or just unhappiness. But am I unhappy over everything...no...Do I allow myself to get "emotionally distressed"...yes. Everything has a place, a time, for everything. Isn't this part of growing up? Could it be I'm learning from this experience? Aren't we all learning from things we do right and things we do wrong? And who's to say we're wrong...maybe it's right for us...then again we also might know its wrong but still do it because God gave us freedom of choice. We have to sift through and decide & choose what is the WISE choice. Not because it's popular or what everyone else is doing.

My Imaginary Audience...

I read an interesting blog that I think I want to explore more then my comments I left for her. Judy made a good point about breaking the pencils and riping up the notes that our imaginary audience are taking as we live our lives. I'm thinking of all the people who have been in my life that shape my "set of rules" that I also give them the credit to crique me or what I think they would say and write. That's where I get some of my sayings like if I don't fold the laundry or do the dishes right away (they could sit for at least a week sometimes ...lol) then I'm a bad wife. But am I a bad wife? Why do I think I am for something so trival? It's got to do with that imaginary audience that I have in my mind speaking out to me. Believing the lies and misbeliefs is wrong but it's second nature and I'm having to relearn what is the truth...sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't...but for now it's a goal and not another rule to follow!

just a rollercoaster ride...

Why does life seem like a rollercoaster ride...one minute you're climbing up a huge hill anticipating the thrill as you get to the top but then you lose your stomach as you plunge down the hill...then there are turns and cork spins not to mention the loop-de-loop thrown in just to unnerve you. Unnerve...that's what emotions will do too! And then why do we contiune to get back on or stay on when we know we are just going in a big circle.

Anger

is an emotion that I take too personally. It happened to me last night over cake. hmmm I guess I took the 4 year old approach and took myself and the cake home. If they don't want to play with me, I don't want to play with them...but that's not true. I want to play. I want to be liked. I want to be a good person. I want to get along well with others. So why do I feel so hurt when it doesn't happen like I think it should? Is that one of my rules I think I must succeed at or should it just be a goal and try harder next time? I've been using the concept of asking which is the wise choice instead it has to be one way or the other and the other is always worse. It's just seems I set myself up for failure....going insane trying to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. When I get angry, I keep it too myself and it turns into I did something wrong because I feel this way.

Fuzzy, wazzy, was he fuzzy...

depends on how you're looking at him I guess...I don' t know what brought that on. I was thinking I was going to be late tonight and it turn into a short one because of something someone said to me. I struggling not to convey the anger I felt. Is this one of my rules that has to be just so or it wrong completely wrong?

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

I was asked a simple question "What DO you like about yourself?" And I really have to think hard. It's so easy to think of the negative things that I really hate...but I do like my legs and feet and eyes...but is that really answering the question fully? What do I like about myself internally not physically? I don't know. It's a simple question with a complex answer. Because I don't like a lot of things I'm thinking of and actions I'm doing. Does that inturn make me a bad person? I guess that's what I think when I don't do something right...that I'm a bad person because of it. Why do I expect perfection when cognitively I know I'm going to make a mistake here and there. Should it be set as a goal so that I can always tried harder the next the situation comes around? Do I really learn from my mistakes or because I keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting it to finally work out the way I want it too! Is my attitude effected by the way I'm thinking? I wish I had more patience with myself and with others.