Lights, camera, ACTION!

Center stage, full spotlight...and I'm the main character. How everyone around me effects me...How I effect others. Isn't that what day to day living gets us? I tend to analize my reactions...if I don't think I reacted well, I think I was bad or I should of been this way more, sooner, stronger, less emotional! Controlled! So this week, it's my story...it's all about my reactions and how I feel...how do I feel? I feel vulnerable...that I have to be on guard because if I'm not someone is out to hurt me if I let them! Which leads me to withdrawal from this world and this reality! I just don't want any part of it...being in a group of people makes me anxious then panic sets in...thought processes revert back to old habits...it all comes down to -- am I really worth the time for someone to know what I really think! You'd think after having the same thoughts over and over that I could change my reactions. I so ready for this day to be over...crawaling under the covers and dreaming...of a better place, a better time!

Passing of Time

There is a hole in the world now...A center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains. A perspective in this world unique in this world which once moved this world has been rubbed out..There is nobody who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembers, loves what he loved...Questions I
have can never now get answers. The world is emptier...(Nicholas Wolterstorff)

A friend, mentor passed away a few weeks ago. I was struck by the fact that he is no longer here. I just can't call him up and ask for his advice. Buddy was someone I looked up to like a father. He was kind and full of understanding but grounded in reality and faith. I know he's in a better place in heaven but it doesn't help the heartache of the lost. Parts of me know I'm being sentimental. It was his time, and God called him home. Home...one day we'll all be home. So I know I will see him again some day. Grieving for a friend and facing reality that he really isn't here anymore.

Choices...

so many choices to choose each day...when to get up, what to do, what to wear...little things when put together add up to a day in time. I find myself trying to choose based on the past or the future. What about today...the now...the present? I choose based on feelings...but my feelings aren't always true. How do you tell what to believe when you're not sure of why you believe!

Knock, Knock...

nobody home! Today was the second day of fall break...no students...and the place was desserted (no teachers - 1 admistrator and 5 support staff). 8 hours of entertaining myself with tasks that I've been putting off since school started. The day started with a struggle to get out of bed. Didn't want to but did it anyways. I think if I could have I would have fallen asleep for once. That doesn't happen very often anymore. But anyways...did a lot of thinking... some good but there were moments when I thought I was going to cry (back to that again!) How to make it through the day!! I always seem to but thoughts of why goes back to the nothing blog yesterday. Nothing seems that important anymore. Something should fill that space of thought!

Nothing

is it always about something or can it be about nothing. I don't want to do anything. Nothing sounds interesting. There's nothing on to watch...is sitting and staring at the wall something or nothing?

Pyramids......

ok...so geometry wasn't my favorite math subject but I liked math so I memorized and moved on...today it's be a simple triangle that I've been pondering all day. Why would that bother, worry, annoy a 38 year old female. I don't have a good answer but it does. I guess I'm connecting the dots and trying to logically think my way out of geometry. (side a2 + side b2 should equal side c2 -- I know algebra always to my rescue!) and I think today I might remember my teacher's words that geometry isn't logical stop trying to making it! (it seems a resounding theme) I'm dreading going to work tomorrow like it's a geometry test and I have to proof a circle isn't round or that 3 points always make a triangle. The worse case senario leads me in the middle of the triangle while my coworkers are playing dodge ball...I don't move very fast and it's all about the circle and triangles of points. Which ball and who's the one to throw it and how hard will it be...ok...last question: how does 3 points on a straight line form a triangle or is a line straight -- I forget!!

Fluids does a body good....

Ok for the second time in 4 days I've had to have an IV of fluids. The first hour after you almost feel normal -- normal...I've been poke, stuck, felt, ultra sound, ct scan, and looked at like I was crasy! hmmm makes you feel so much better when you are already running a fever! When all is said and done...comes down to a really bad kidney infection (ok so why did it take 2 trips to the er and one to the pcp to figure this out?) So I'm a vegtable for the last 3 days...hopefully I'll be functioning by Monday after the antibotics kick in. Until then what am I doing...stressing over not being at work and all the work there is to do...I even went to work for an hour (which might be a reason for the second trip to the er...) to finish some letters that just had to go out on Friday and no one else could do them. I don't know if that is job security or that I've dropped the ball as a "team" player by being sick. Being sick is becoming a habit for me the last couple of years.

Rock Bottom

can I just crawl under the rock a got out of this morning? Staying in denial and fanatasy seems to be the easiest thing to do until you're drawn back into reality of work & bosses & people...all that did was make me angry!

4 by 3

it's funny how a grown woman can find comfort in a 4 by 3 closet...but I like the dark and so does my cat. I'm on the verge of just being antisocial -- just black seems to be the color of choice today...forget about the white and other colors.

The FOG....

there is something in there! I think I'm scared of my own shadow at times. What should not be an every day occurance turns out to be more normal then not. Ever since Wednesday, I've been in this mental fog that has me trapped. But who's doing the trapping...I just can't seem to stop before it runs that course. Can't I ever put more then a couple of days together...I've slept more, dreamed more, watched tv more in the last 3 days then I've done this whole month. Fog...white cloudy...fog...it's like it has it's own control...so there is something out there...I wished it would go away!