WHAT IF

Do you ever wonder what if's? What if I hadn't cheated on my 2nd grade spelling test. What if I didn't tell eddie or Tracy things that I though were my friends. What if I didn't go to camp every summer? What if I suck at life? What if because I not so sure I'm happy to be me? What if I am just average? What if I really don't have friends they just play along with me? Maybe I deserved to be alone! Alone, albertross, loser, one, never, ever CARE. WHO WOULD CARE. WHAT IF NO ONE WOULD CARE. WHAT IF NO ONE WOULD LOOk!!!!

Ramblings from the iPhone spelling doesn't count

Tissues Please

Cry, Crying, Tears, weepy Tears, salty drop sliding slowly down my cheak...I'm in a movie and it starts before I can understand what is it about that sends me on this crying spree!!

Trickling, bubbling into the next day and I've dragged it in today! My eyes are red and crusty ewe
How much futher do I hAve to go on living in what I see - a blanket of a white background with a lot of BLACK letters.

BLACK & WHITE ISSUES. no GRAY matter to make this so complex

Have an iPhone, keeping the world conneted.
Idk if I want that vunuary

How much do you weigh?

7 pounds? Interesting question since my husband and I went on a movie marathon today and saw 2 movies…let me set up my logic so bear with me for a moment! (and yes I meant BEAR)

4 Christmases: hmmm had one yesterday and it sucked. The In-law clan got together. Really dry ham and purgatory turkey breast….the mash potatoes and dressing were good for the first hour – after that…DRY. You know holidays bring out more about what YOU DON’T have then what you do. Hmm let’s use yesterday’s example shall we:
THE CLAN
Mom & Dad
4 boys
5 daughter-in-laws (3 removed)
7 grandchildren
2 grandchildren-in-laws (1 removed)
(then it’s the aunts, uncles, cousins thrown in with a
few snotty noses-where’s my fuzzy bunny etc)

The monarch of the family (who rules by the way) starts as soon as most people get there about WHO isn’t’ there and WHY they aren’t there and HOW come they won’t be there! Enough of that to turn one grandchild in tears not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in less than 2 hours! Then said monarch called soon to be ex-daughter-in-law to find said missing-grandchild – then invites the soon to be ex (her son – really NOT wanting his MOTHER to get INVOLVED – too late)

Throughout the day; 5 of the grandchildren show (1 is excused since he lives in WA) that leaves ONE MIA – ONE, again let me repeat myself – ONE. Well into the night, as the clan filters its way OUT the door – us left standing (ok sitting) are in the rerun from HELL with why so&so should be here and why can’t they just come and all – it was hard to follow the monarch’s thinking because it was leading to places I just plain got confused from one moment to another….thus after 10 hours – my quiet reserved husband – EXPLODED at his MOTHER for her constant nick picking of the family and who should be where and what and how rude and so forth --- I THINK HE REALLY BLEW THE MOTHER LOAD of all holiday cheer possible. The aftermath hasn’t been forth seen but I know it’s coming!!

SO THE REAL DIRECTION OF THIS POST:
Will Smith in “7 pounds” – morbid logic at its best. Here is a successful guy, smart, MIT, wife – has a car accident (texting on phone around a corner) and cause’s 7 people to lose their lives…he blames himself…SO he takes on his brothers identity (IRS agent) and audits people’s lives to see WHO is most deserving – finds 7 people (has to weed out some of the rift raft though) – 7 PEOPLE

In the end – this is a story about SUICIDE to justify the means – 7 PEOPLE who deserve to live when he wants to die. Die because he lost. Die because he felt lost. Die because he didn’t care anymore…

7 pounds – I’m trying to the math but my math is fuzzy and there isn’t really a lot to find quickly before I forget why I wanted to post this…….SEVEN POUNDS that’s what the director implies what ALL the DONATED ORGANS would weigh….it came down to the point that he fell in love AGAIN with the woman he planned on giving his HEART to – literally! HE saw it as a sacrifice. His way of paying forward for what HE had done wrong.

Now here’s the tricky part and an ethical one – should suicide victims (are they victims?) be able to say who gets what organ or can they really give an organ? Don’t you have to be a SOUND MIND to sign the waivers, living wills? SOOOO THIS HAS ME THINKING – actually RE-thinking the whole, hmmmm so what happens if you overdose but you have checked on your license to be a organ donor? WILL THEY USE what YOU didn’t want to?

theoretically speaking -- hmmmm

Found this from a website that was talking with Teenies -- how fitting, of course this is just "Hypothetically"

Therapist: So, how is it that you have come to see me today?
Client: I don’t know. I was old me I had to come and see you for follow-up.
Therapist: Oh. What did they think you needed to follow up on?
Client: They think I need to talk to someone about hitting.
Therapist: So, they think you need to talk to someone about hitting?
Client: Yeah.
Therapist: What do you think? Do you need to talk to someone about hitting yourself?
Client: No….well, I don’t know. Everybody seems to think it’s a big deal…
Therapist: So, everybody else thinks it’s a big deal and you aren’t sure if it is or not?
Client: Yeah…my husband, my sponsor, the doctor, they all think it’s a big deal and I guess, sometimes, when I think about it, it is pretty gross. I mean, when I do it, it’s great, but then I have to keep my arms covered up so no one sees. They just freak out when they see it.
Therapist: So, let me see if I have this straight…when you do it, it’s helpful, but then it becomes a problem because other people freak out and…maybe you do too?
Client: Yeah…I guess. It’s just that when I’m really angry, it just works so well.
Therapist: So, when you are angry, hitting yourself helps you to get through it?
Client: Yeah…I guess.
Therapist: And then you do it and then other people freak out and you kind of do too?
Client: Yeah…I guess.
Therapist: So, what if you had a way to deal with being angry that wouldn’t involve hitting yourself…how would that be for you??
Client: I guess that would be good, but……You are going to tell me I have to stop hitting, too!!!!!!
Therapist: So, you are concerned I will tell you that you have to stop hitting?
Client: It sounds like you are going to be just like everyone else who just doesn’t understand!
Therapist: I certainly don’t want to be another one of those people who don’t understand, so let me check in here to see if I am getting it. If you had a way to deal with anger that you wouldn’t have to hit yourself, that might be a good thing. But you are not sure if you want to give up the hitting completely?
Client: It’s just all so confusing…you know? I really don’t want to do it, but it works so well and I don’t know if that other stuff they talked about works as well. And the anger, you know, nobody listens…nobody understands. They all think I should just be able to “get through it.” They don’t understand how hard this all is for me. This life sucks and it’s tiring and I just want it to be over – done! Whatever!

time to hide

i time to be still or a time to not talk or a time not to judge or be judged....a time to HIDE and pretend there isn't a world out there, somewhere -- safe

4 new tires

1 overflow coolant bottle

1 radiator

1 water pump

1 timing belt

5 or 7 hoses that might as well be changed while in the car

1 inter tie rod

1 outer tie rod

(need axel but it can wait until? right)

now, ignition switch

sure am glad i knew somebody who knows how to fix my car --- who needs a new one?

my husband gets a new tv (not just a tv but A TV FREAKING BIG SCREEN HDTV) new sound system, AND a new barkolounger!

Fingernail Torture: Ve Have Vays Of Making Yov Tock

A bloody Mess i've gotten myself into! Onychophagia


"There are many explanations as to why some people bite their fingernails. Anxiety, stress, genetics, boredom, acquired behavior and self-esteem have all been identified as potential causes. Nail biting can be anything from a bad habit to an outward symptom of a medical or emotional disorder."

"Nail biting is primarily a nervous habit in children. Much like thumb sucking or carrying around a favorite toy, nail biting provides children with a sense of comfort that allows them to calm themselves more than they might be able to otherwise. Most children outgrow nail biting in time, particularly when others notice that their hands look raggy or “ugly”. In the meantime, pressuring children to stop biting their nails will likely have little result so parents should be sure to encourage their children to take better care of themselves without adding negative attention to the mix."

happy pills?

i just want to not feel much any more -- trying hard to care and show that i care and all i get is the opposite -- i can't win anymore, i can't make someone else HAPPY if i can't be happy myself! in the dark reccesses of the bathroom cabinet or lock box you can find things to make you forget!

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three, eighty-four, eighty-five, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred, one-o-one, one-o-two, one-o-three, one-o-four, one-o-five, one-o-six, one-o-seven, one-o-eight, one-o-nine, one-ten, one-eleven, one-twelve, one-thirteen, one-fourteen, one-fifteen, one-sixteen, one-seventeen, one-eighteen, one-nineteen, one-twenty, one-twenty-one, one-twenty-two, one-twenty-three, one-twenty-four, one-twenty-five, one-twenty-six, one-twenty-seven, one-twenty-eight, one-twenty-nine, one-thirty, one-thirty-one, one-thirty-two, one-thirty-three, one-thirty-four, one-thirty-five, one-thirty-six, one-thirty-seven, one-thirty-eight, one-thirty-nine, one-forty, one-forty-one, one-forty-two, one-forty-three, one-forty-four, one-forty-five, one-forty-six, one-forty-seven, one-forty-eight, one-forty-nine, one-fifty, one-fifty-one, one-fifty-two, one-fifty-three, one-fifty-four, one-fifty-five, one-fifty-six, one-fifty-seven, one-fifty-eight, one-fifty-nine, one-sixty, one-sixty-one, one-sixty-two, one-sixty-three, one-sixty-four, one-sixty-five, one-sixty-six, one-sixty-seven, one-sixty-eight, one-sixty-nine, one-seventy, one-seventy-one, one-seventy-two, one-seventy-three, one-seventy-four, one-seventy-five, one-seventy-six, one-seventy-seven, one-seventy-eight, one-seventy-nine, one-eighty, one-eighty-one, one-eighty-two, one-eighty-three, one-eighty-four, one-eighty-five, one-eighty-six, one-eighty-seven, one-eighty-eight, one-eighty-nine, one-ninety, one-ninety-one, one-ninety-two, one-ninety-three, one-ninety-four, one-ninety-five, one-ninety-six, one-ninety-seven, one-ninety-eight, one-ninety-nine,

TWO HUNDRED…..

wee morning