Friday, February 27, 2009

Face to Face

Mirror, mirror on the wall......
A fact of reality....
Staring at the face looking back a hallow glare. Where did I go? Why am I so disappointment with me and that persons reflection. Suicidal tendancy alure. The trap and an escape from where to there!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

One day at a time

6:25 crawl out of bed because I've woken up 3 times already. If I don't get up I won't get up!
6:30 feed dogs and let them outside
6:35 dress and brush hair (hmmm bad hair day - that sucks; nothing to do about it now!)
6:40 grab something for lunch but don't know what - chocolate
6:45 on 169 @ 21st
7:01 arrive in campus
7 to 4 all hell breaks loose
I maybe get a break and issolate in my car - unhealthy
Make/fix/take out dinner
Night consist of reruns I've have memorized
Maybe clean up the kitchen or wait when I feel like (burst of mania)
Luandry most likely needs to be folded from weekend wash (hmmm only in a burst of mania)
Protect cat from dogs
Surf web (good site & some werid or bizzar
Make bed
Turn lights of
Take meds
Lay in bed for a few hours until I wake up at 12:30, 2:22 & 5:00 only to start over

Hell consist of answering over 100 calls, talking to staff - I'm not the only one that should be on prosaz
Outside people questions, enrollment in to night classes
Throw in a few extra assignments
Then and always him! His royal pain in the ass sir Leo (at least today he didn't ask me to do something
Key with him 1) everything is asap (but he won't say; he just checks every 10 min to see if it's done
2) no matter how good whatever I do; he'll make 20 revisions and expect me to have read his mind

I DONT WANT TO EVEN HEAR HIS TALK TO ME!! WHY WOULD I WANT TO THINK THE WAY HE DOES - male ego attention and demanding ASSHOLE!

All from iPhone thoughts

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bloody paws

I know that extra high stress reverts me back to peeling/chewing my nails off until there is a hang nail. I've done so much better when I keep solar nails on! My fingers like it too!! Now they are just open sores. Not very attractive. I have been in meetings most of the day. So I seemed to love pain because that's what I did while listening. Pop the bottom of the cutical and the RIP the nail forward. Pain can be a good thing.

I'm thinking that I have a high tolance but the older I get I just want numbness. But that contridics that a huge part of my brain wants to feel physical pain for emotional pain.

Now I just want to sleep. Tired and looking for the weekend. I've sort if joked that I my not choose to want to live after this week. At times lately that has crept logic resurfaces. I think now it would better if I'd was in a car wreak because the a) I'd be off work & b) maybe get a new car. I love my car but I realize it's really on it's last prayer and nine lives. I've been in denial and didn't want to face that.

Then there is the very BIG ELEPHANT in the room that brent and me don't want to talk about. Money has some roots but there are so many topics like this that I could open a colorful zoo! I hate conflict. I hate justifing everything like I'm a child.

Boy this blog is all over with topics that I an passive agressive! Now I wonder where I get so internetlly angry. Punisment is around the corner!

I started this out into a BLOODY MESS!

(iPhone texting at it's best)

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

tired

tired, sad, tired, lonely, tired, mad, tired, hiding under the covers - but there is no sleep!