I wished....

I wished....I believe what I say
I wished....people would know what I really mean but don't tell
I wished....I didn't think it's SOOOO about me ALL THE FREKIN TIME

In a room full of people:
I want to run
I want to SCREAM
I want to hide

In a room full of people: I smile because everything is fine and my world is perfect. I do not stress. I do not worry. I do not hit.

There is not enough meds to keep me sane 100% of the time. 85% I do well to get by. 15% I make bad choices from negative thoughts that rule my emotions.

THEN AGAIN, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!! and I can't keep my mouth shut!!! My opinion isn't necessary all the time. No one wants to hear me go on & on.

Shouting from the mountain top

F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F U C K Y O U!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't wanna

I'm tired. I just want to sleep. I don't want to wake up anymore. Just sleep. No interaction. No responsibility. No pretending. No demands.

Let's just "move on" to the next living hell! I'm figuring it's probably ten times fold as the unfair life. Too bad I don't believe inrecarnation - would have liked to be a very loved pet (my fur children are spoiled!!!)

Finally the meds are kicking in and I'm off to sleep.

Swing Batter

"Swing away"

You'd of thought that phase would just be tied to a baseball game but when I hear it, I have two thoughts: a) a movie about aliens - signs & b) the cracking noise a hammer make. Similar to a bat and a ball.

So here we are full circle. SWING BATTER BATTER SWING AWAY

Deep Aches

Tonight I felt constantly reminded that I will never be a mom. Have a daughter to share a common bond. To watch her grow and become an individual That will never be a part of me I so long for and resent what others have and what I can't have. My heart just breaks into tiny pieces that pierce the inner soul. I hate God!