OMG

It early Christmas morn and I'm in a whirlwind of the unknown. Is this going to be a great day? Is everyone going to play nice?

I want to go HOME but where is home? Is anyone there to greet? I feel left out somehow by my family.

Destructive Behavior

or could it be constructive...working through the process but still failing at sobriety.

I feel disappointed and insignificant

Up & Beyond

You know when things ate bad enough when you get to the point you don't care then suddenly someone who's like a sister get together and you find yourself.

How did I get this far off track and where am I going to change enough to find the way back or catch to where I could have been.

Skipping CR and not worrying who will cover. Am I phasing out of this ministry? What's the impacted?

Checking out seems to be an ok excuse and less responsibility.

i hate a lot of things right now

closed and locked doors and windows...and i find my closet -- i need to go i think...i'm done for tonight!

Death

"It's the circle of life, and it moves us all,
through despair and hope,
through faith and love,
'till we find our place,
on the path unwinding."
From The Lion King

I face tomorrow with sadness and come what may. Though I do not know this man, he was a core player. I'm sure he will be missed. Blessings, mercy and grace extended to his love ones.

Up all Nite

Ugh!! This is what happens when you sleep ALL day with mini naps. Dreams of the waltons; football; rain delayed NASCAR; Judge Judy; and back to John-Boy. Goodnight Mary Ellen, GN Elizabeth, GN Ben, GN jason, GN erin, GN Laura (oops wrong family!!!!)

Lamentations

Complaints to God

Unload all my frustrations on God
Temp-tantrum

My pain to God's Love

Be still and wait on God (15 min)

Change the thing I can change
Emotions of Fear

God can relieve my fears

Expect restoration in hope through HIM

Hate Anger Rage

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate myself
i Hate mySelf
i hAte MysElf
i hATe mySElf
i hATE myself
i HATE mYself
I HATE MYself
I HATE mySELF
I HATE EVERYTHING

waiting

i waited and no one came...wow...no one came....i'm at lost for words and friends...where did everyone go?

Unmanageable

"the voice often comes in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning when our hearts are most unedited and vulnerable..." j.eldridge

I hear I am not worthy...why

My desire

Is leaning towards the hopeless scale. I don't care if i continued to breathe

How do I live up to expectations
How much can take

more-better--FASTER

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

today, Karen told me that I need to work faster and/but no mistakes

She can't understand why time is an issue because I should be able to do everything she think that I should.

I feel

Or do I? Can I? Probably not! I don't know anymore...I'm not sure who I am or what want to do.

Lost with in the sky
And tear drops in my eyes
I don't know how far
I can heal that scar

My brain is fried
My heart aches
My arm hurts

living on borrowed time

as my laptop battery keeps bleeping...i still have to sit and ponder a moment of my day. i had a mental health day from work...too tired to fight the normalicy of my plain jane world for now. So i went to work in my home office and clear out stuff so that my husband can switch the office furniture around and move stuff out blah, blah ok whatever...

i needed to get a fill and had one nail with the creepy cruad...(now the iPhone to save the thought)

I walked into my usual place...I've tried other nail shops but this one of course is way across town and I keep coming back. as I sat down, he was finishing up with another customer. I gather from the conversation she went to church with him. So I just to notice about her. Most likely in her 70s-80s. Dyed red orange hair. Wearing a purple plum sweatsuit. Had a flowery purplish organic top. But what amazied me. Was her shoes. Purple leather tennis shoes. I began to wonder. Does she have other outfits the coordinate as well? Does getting her nails done make her day? And this is the highlight of the week to dress up in all purple?

So past the passion. I take note of her hands. Very distinct for an old woman. Very thin skin that shows the veins and dark spots. The swollen areas cause by age and use. Arthritis permanently set. But her nails. He has gently created a focus that looks beyond the fraility of her years.

I look at my own and wonder what she sees. I look again and wonder what a much younger girl would think.

Dizzy

I'm so Dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
And it's you GOD, making it spin
you're making me dizzy

3:16

Nothing like staring at a clock every minute. I can't eat. I can't sleep and all I can do is be plain Jane with no color. I'm bored to death!!!!!

forced teamwork

when is enough is enough...why is that i'm at total fault. so when i am doing something....i just need to get it done with no thoughts of how to make it better. just what is asked of me. nothing more than that....the PLAIN JANE approach....operation in effect.

this sucks!!!

How low can you GO?

I've been at the bottom before with Leo now I'm even below that point with Karen. What happened? Where am I? I'm so despondent and wished I was just dead. To much pain and too much drama and my eyes really hurt from the salty tears - I just want to die!!! Worst part, I can't tell anyone at work how bad my review was or they will know I talked.

Beddie-By

Don't let the bugs by...or if I die...see ya on the flip-side

Self medicate to bring that anxiety high down - just float the boat and concentrating on breathing. Don't want to forget to breath.

Forgetting on purpose

"Dizzy, Im so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it's You makin it spin
You're making me dizzy"

Of all things I could choose. I am struggling with being childless. I enjoy kidnapping tori but she isn't my daughter. The ironic issue is I've had a complete hysterectomy 4 years ago. Kind of hard the get pregnant. Spring - everything blooming and babies born. No one understand the emotional anguish.

Sweeping Winds

"I feel the earth - move - under my feet
I feel the sky tum-b-ling down - tum-b-ling down
I feel my heart start to trem-b-ling -
Whenever you're around"

Relief from twisters. Usually don't buy into the hype but reality set in and fear over whelmed me.

so hanging on a thread

the weekend went into a blind mess...had to work all last week teaching a class which i loved but it made very long nights...then had to go to my mother-in-laws for her birthday/mother's day stuff....it was really hard when april gave lisa a card and i'm once again forgotten....i had mother's day.....cried all the way on the drive home. Missy and josie were snoring in my lap...at least i have my fur children i sniffled...saturday, i woke up and omg my head was going to explode...needed to get up and get the ceramic plates but i wasn't going to be able to do that class...ugh do i have to get up??? YES, crawled out and tried to concentrate on the first task. Yeah successfully got the plates without passing out (not that i wasn't woooze)....of to sam's to get stuff for dinner and such that i hadnt gotten in a while....made it to the check out but started the wooozzzeeee the room is spinning -- i don't know how long i sat after checking out....but i knew i wasn't ready to drive....next stop was the warehouse market (smaller stuff needed not in big quanties)....ok made it back home and close my eyes knowing i still had cr to deal with....actually when i left i was feeling a little bit better....but by 8 i was done...overly done and that's not just the headache it was the whole mothers day thing compounding the headache...sunday was a little bit of a blur since i tried to fix dinner for my moither-in-law and such...i think the food was good (but i couldn't keep it down) and i was try8ing to pretend my head didn't ache.....

monday - still felt like shit but i knew i had to be at work...can miss...so many to be depended on.....bacon wasn't a good choice and it wasn't pretty after that....which leads tonight and hopfully back to work in the morning........nighty-nite

TODAY

I just want to go to sleep and die

I DON'T CARE

So it seems like night - hot sticky and rain

So depressing

Spinning

My head keeps spinning and spinning like I'm on a meri-go-round. I recognize faces but in an instance they're blurry. I see shapes and can't describe them. My perspective is off. Who am I?

I sit in a room full of people hoping their life is better than mine. What if I could just sit and wait. Would anyone notice?

WORK

I cannot believe HOW stupid an administrator be! OH MY GOD! he is sooooooooo stupid. CRAZY!!!!

Counting to ten and hitting to one hundred plus

Babbling, bubblering,

Since NO ONE ever reads my blog - hopefully lost in all the other hypes that blogging is an antique. Now twitter/Facebook or I may already dating the next NEW thing.

So I've been stuck at home for a few more days. Went to texas for NASCAR and it was just a very long weekend and not very comfortable - oh yea I forgot I just had surgery!!

My "housekeeper" came to clean. She's a close friend. She's my sponsor. She's someone I am grateful to know. I told her that it would take twice as long if we talked while she cleaned. But I guess we both liked that time we haven't had.

Too many threads to untangled but one just stuck in the air. Her daughter was going to have her baby last Friday. Yeah healthily baby girl!!!!

But in contrast, hard to imagine, I don't know the mom that well and I'll admit I don't think much about her except what she does/is doing to her daughters. 3 girls 17, 7-8, 6. The 6 was recently molested - great she put his ass in jail, bad she's already shacking up with the next guy. Oh yeah - mom also needs a heart/lung transplant (drugs/babies/and whatever)

So the real kicker of this saga - the 17 gave birth to a girl last week. But her main concern was where was Jimmy and why does he keep leaving the delivery room with one of her friends and who invited her there in the first place.

The stark reality: neither teenager is ready. They didn't know where she was going to stay. They didn't have a crib/bed and mom said they can stay with her. Maybe the baby can sleep on the couch or love seat. There's no baby shower. There isn't a big support system that's for sure! I know - JUDGMENTAL. NOW TELL ME, WHY CAN THAT CHILD HAVE A CHILD AND NOT BE READY FOR THE RESPONSIBILITY. That seems to happen when you have sex. There isn't responsibility! WHAT has happened has been REPEATED for 3 generations! What will be for the 7-8 or even the 6 who understands something very bad happened to her. Will they carry on this legacy? Ok, I don't know the future...but I'm wishing better.

SOOOOOOOO WHY SHOULD I CARE The mind games I play-Emotional wreak is putting things mildly. I as much as I'm trying to not deal with or forget it was even possible - a sliver of hope not even a sliver - a word, just a whisper..."maybe she would"

Then I remember my medication for hell backwards or forwards - that sliver rots

My husband - would he accept her? most likely not!

I need to bury that sliver! It's too late...for everyone

Life

Life is sad...
Life is emotional...
Life is a disappointment....
Life is mundane...

Why am I alive?
What does life mean to me?
Where there is hope...there is also hopeless
Where there is love...there is the unloveable

Again - why life
Why hope

LIFE IS A DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!!

I am depressed, tired, emotionally drained...and I don't care

Concern

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I feel like I'm committed so much I don't know how to uncommitted. A major hiccup?

since december when Brent's request for his Christmas gift -- he just wanted his wife back. So that's what I've tried harder to do. In that process I found my heartstring - a tiny silver heart on a silk thread I wear around my neck. Every time I happen to move it, it's like clicking my ruby sleepers, he loves me does he really love me...

Who is he? at times it's Brent but at other times it's God -- why?

What is so strong about the word LOVE?

See you later alligator

Bye bye butterfly,
Give a hug ladybug,
Be sweet parakeet,
Blow a kiss goldfish,
See you soon raccoon,
Take care polar bear,
Out the door dinosaur!
Toodle-ee-oo, kangaroo
Time to go, buffalo
Can’t stay, blue jay
Mañana, iguana
The end, my friend!

I'M SOOOOOOO DONE WITH EVERYBODY AND EVERYONE!!

Nothing I seemed to do is good enough! I've completely fail at doing everything right since I've got too many people telling me what to do or that vegued directive that can be dine too many ways. It takes too many brain cells to concentrate on which is the most correct

Not Sure

I hate everything lately and back to that "I DON'T CARE" anymore. It's times like these I just want to cry til I fall asleep. No where to go. Nothing I can do will change. INSANITY = emotional drained

scum below scum!!!!!!

1 and counting 40

This is why my closet calls out

When the bough breaks

Rock-a-bye, baby
In the treetop
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
And down will come baby
Cradle and all

Baby is drowsing
Cosy and fair
Mother sits near
In her rocking chair
Forward and back
The cradle she swings
And though baby sleeps
He hears what she sings

From the high rooftops
Down to the sea
No one's as dear
As baby to me
Wee little fingers
Eyes wide and bright
Now sound asleep
Until morning light

A soft lullaby to sing to comfort a child but to torment a woman with nothing to rock. I had a dream of a baby babbling. A cry of need. A sigh of content. A baby girl with little curls. The smell of powder. The soft touch of snow white skin. A nightmare no less. A mockery of what will never be. How alone my heart will be. God cannot be love. God had a son. The words to an unanswered prayer. Not my will....