After a 36 hours or so in a induced state of sleep...I'm wide a wake at 6:30 in the morning...can't seem to convenience myself to continue to induce sleep anymore...realitiy is still around the corner and I guess I just have to face what will come no matter what...
What am I most of afraid of:
Losing my job or being fired from my job...not that I can do the work but because of what others will think of me. I don't think it would have anything to with the way I work or get work done. It's all about perception and I'm afraid I've been labeled! Too many high ups will know personal information about me...I know, maybe I'm a bit paranoid but I don't think confidentiality has been used. They get around that with people "they think" should know because they would have direct contact with me.
OK then worse case scenario:
I lose my job...I could find another one and start over doing what I do well; I could adventure out and try a whole different field and use my EMT skills; I could sit at home and collect my unemployment checks while my husband works and wallow in self pity! I just hate the thought of being fired. Even as a temp I had never ever been fired. I've always done the best I could which was usually more then what was required of me! Fired has way to negative connotations that I think I would be devastated. It wouldn't be a good thing to happen with my frame of thoughts...frame of thoughts. I feel like the cartoon character with one conscience (evil) on one shoulder and the other (good) on the other shoulder. They are bickering back and forth using my mind as a tennis ball.
"Oh you can't do that...what would people think of you!"
"You'll get through it...take one moment a time..."
"how can you not see what's going to happen...it's just going to be so awful!"
"Don't worry about tomorrow, concentrate on the now...it will all work out!"
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