a t-shirt saying..........

The "sting" of the blur.......

9 months, 259 days........one moment, one time, one day

ollie ollie oxen free

please, please, please --- let me be free!!!!!!

can i close my eyes and repeat "ollie ollie oxen free" three times and be 7 again hiding in the closet? safe from this adult world........

CONditions

Weather conditions for the past 24 hours, forecasts, watches, and warnings……….

This page gives you access to information about a wide range of illnesses and conditions. There are summaries of diseases and conditions and details of organizations that can provide medical and emotional help and
support.......................

The following terms and conditions govern your use of ……………

Dictionary definitions:

• the procedure that is varied in order to estimate a variable's effect by comparison with a control condition
• an assumption on which rests the validity or effect of something else
• a statement of what is required as part of an agreement specify as a condition or requirement in a contract or agreement; make an express demand or provision in an agreement

So finally, a list of demands but in softer more politically correct terms: conditions. Conditions when, met has a positive outcome. But………what happens when the conditions are not met? How do you face the “or else” clause? How does one become strong enough? At what cost does the “or else” clause have?

Conditions lead to accountability --- but is accountability lead to some deterioration of someone else’s will?

Somewhere in the NIGHT.....

Was a lyric to a song I was listening to while I sat in bed with my husband waiting for him to fall asleep…“somewhere in the night, I will be there for you”

While I know, the intention of the songwriter was thinking more positive then I interpreted it this night. I have been dreaming dreams I don’t want to dream…some say it’s what you eat before bedtime while others say it’s your subconscious thoughts being expressed. There is also the theory of sleep habits…too irregular for me at most times of my life…but now it seems to be a choice that I don’t want to sleep because of what I dream I don’t want to dream….

The dreams are not all bad, but it’s the not those that you remember…it’s the others that frighten like when you were a child but there isn’t a parent to comfort a 39 y/o.

So how does a recurring dream become a real object into the conscious? I shutter at that thought because maybe I am vulnerable, sensitive, or impressionable to ponder such dreams that there is a connection between the subconscious and conscious.

So, somewhere in the night………….leads me to there will always be this type of dream. It’s similar to one that I’ve blogged about before………

White room, open area...I enter through a door like I’ve just come up a stairway…it’s almost too white, I think I’m wearing a white sheer dress that has extra fabric floating. To the right I see a glass dinning table set for 6…white dishes, gold silverware, crystal goblets. It is a very clean look. I turn my direction to the left where the kitchen is…all white floors, appliances, towels, -- it’s clean as though no one had ever cooked in this kitchen. There were lilies, like the ones you see at funerals….tall green stem white lilies. As I adventure into the kitchen I notice the bar like counter that over looked a sunken living room…I follow the sharp right angle corner of the countertop and take two steps into this area. Modern, clean, shades of whites – a couch, two Victorian chairs, a odd shape white marble coffee table...more cow lilies on the table but in a small bunch only to see the flower…I notice a strong sweet smell…next to the lilies are crystal wine glasses, too delicate to look at let alone use. I am standing in the middle of this room…looking at all the details but at the same time blinding by the whiteness…whiteness…

I look at the door that I’ve entered from…the only way in or out…that’s when I see something that takes my breath away…tiny drops of blood…trailing where I had been…crimson stains on a unblemished surface. Not far from my bare feet, is a knife, the source of the crimson drops…at this point the dream changes – I don’t think I’ve found the right ending yet or I would still be dreaming this same dream, sometimes my hands are bloody, or my feet leave blood soaked footprints, but the one that frightens me more and wakes me up in the middle of the night – in an instant, the carefree white dress I am wear is the crimson stained and the lilies have turned to dead red roses…the stench is unbearable. I wake up to a very dark room…with the cat at my feet and the dog by my side…then in that moment, I feel that “I will be there, for you” like its something very, very wrong………….

What is seeping out of your Bucket?

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza.
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Go fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.
Go fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.
With what shall I fix it, dear Liza ... with what?
With straw, dear Henry ... with straw
But the straw is too long, ...
Well cut it, ...
With what shall I cut it, ...
With an axe, ...
But the axe is too dull, ...
Well sharpen it, ...
On what shall I sharpen it, ...
With a stone, ...
The stone is too dry, ...
Well wet it, ...
With what shall I wet it, ...
Try water, ...
In what shall I fetch it, ...
With a bucket, ...
But there's a hole in the bucket…

Don’t it always seem you have people around you that can’t seem to do anything for themselves? It’s like a part of you get so annoyed every moment another stupid thing is ask of you. Today was like every other day. I had a part-time person assigned to me so that I could “train” her how to use the scanner. Ok, scanning isn’t brain research. Push a button, let the machine hum, then name the file and move to the next page to be scanned. Hmmm, not so easy as simple as it sounds.

So the morning turns to afternoon, there comes my successor with Leo…I’ll have to say I do have pity for her. Leo has flown the coup so to say but left a “list” of things for her to do while he is gone (not as if she didn’t have other things she could be working on). She was trying to figure out his “email” list and came to me to decipher. I was good with not being to cynical (well, maybe a little bit of it, definitely sarcasm). I looked at the list and it was typically “LEO” thinking. To everyone else, it looks like alien thoughts. (haha) But the good person I am and above reproach, I showed her where the files were for her to change. (about 10 files, then when she makes the changes, then must be saved in 5 places – including Leo’s desktop) When she left my desk the first time, I had to chuckle and smirk just a tad and thankful I am no longer working for that “man”!!

But, there is a “hole” in this position, NO NESTING ALLOWED. I have been “hand slapped” for keeping up my snowflakes around my desk. OUCH! Not to mention two very tiny mug with Brent & Dora on them. It’s just a little petty I guess.

So how big is my hole….few days are a slow drip while it seems most days are too many holes to plug. I’m drained and feel empty but wet…so how do I cope is always the question “others” ask me? I realize in reality how I continue to cope still isn’t very healthy. I shut out the problems I am facing by escaping into a drug induced sleep…I call it is sleep very loosely. Even though I am asleep, I still wake up exhausted. I have weird and life-like dreams that I think I’ve lived through….there is no sleep within my own mind. It works without me.

I’m afraid of the fact that I am going to relapse into old behaviors and lie to cover them up…I am about to that point again. So there is a hole in my bucket and it’s not being refilled with the “right” stuff. Hmm A perfect pessimistic view – more half empty the almost full. I wished it wasn’t so…so why don’t I change it – I am supposed to be the one in charge of my recovery!!!

A Letter of the Heart

A Christmas Letter to my Wife

These aren't enough words

to tell you how special you are to me.

There aren't enough ways

to show you how happy you make me,

or to thank you for everything we share together.

There aren't enough lifetimes to give you all the love you deserve...

But I want you to know I will never stop trying,

never stop caring, never stop loving you with all of my heart.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!