What is seeping out of your Bucket?

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza.
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Go fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.
Go fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.
With what shall I fix it, dear Liza ... with what?
With straw, dear Henry ... with straw
But the straw is too long, ...
Well cut it, ...
With what shall I cut it, ...
With an axe, ...
But the axe is too dull, ...
Well sharpen it, ...
On what shall I sharpen it, ...
With a stone, ...
The stone is too dry, ...
Well wet it, ...
With what shall I wet it, ...
Try water, ...
In what shall I fetch it, ...
With a bucket, ...
But there's a hole in the bucket…

Don’t it always seem you have people around you that can’t seem to do anything for themselves? It’s like a part of you get so annoyed every moment another stupid thing is ask of you. Today was like every other day. I had a part-time person assigned to me so that I could “train” her how to use the scanner. Ok, scanning isn’t brain research. Push a button, let the machine hum, then name the file and move to the next page to be scanned. Hmmm, not so easy as simple as it sounds.

So the morning turns to afternoon, there comes my successor with Leo…I’ll have to say I do have pity for her. Leo has flown the coup so to say but left a “list” of things for her to do while he is gone (not as if she didn’t have other things she could be working on). She was trying to figure out his “email” list and came to me to decipher. I was good with not being to cynical (well, maybe a little bit of it, definitely sarcasm). I looked at the list and it was typically “LEO” thinking. To everyone else, it looks like alien thoughts. (haha) But the good person I am and above reproach, I showed her where the files were for her to change. (about 10 files, then when she makes the changes, then must be saved in 5 places – including Leo’s desktop) When she left my desk the first time, I had to chuckle and smirk just a tad and thankful I am no longer working for that “man”!!

But, there is a “hole” in this position, NO NESTING ALLOWED. I have been “hand slapped” for keeping up my snowflakes around my desk. OUCH! Not to mention two very tiny mug with Brent & Dora on them. It’s just a little petty I guess.

So how big is my hole….few days are a slow drip while it seems most days are too many holes to plug. I’m drained and feel empty but wet…so how do I cope is always the question “others” ask me? I realize in reality how I continue to cope still isn’t very healthy. I shut out the problems I am facing by escaping into a drug induced sleep…I call it is sleep very loosely. Even though I am asleep, I still wake up exhausted. I have weird and life-like dreams that I think I’ve lived through….there is no sleep within my own mind. It works without me.

I’m afraid of the fact that I am going to relapse into old behaviors and lie to cover them up…I am about to that point again. So there is a hole in my bucket and it’s not being refilled with the “right” stuff. Hmm A perfect pessimistic view – more half empty the almost full. I wished it wasn’t so…so why don’t I change it – I am supposed to be the one in charge of my recovery!!!