ok, so I'm in a little bit of denial.......ok, a lot of denial.......where was I? oh yeah, my denial and not to mention, attention deficit. I want to say, “wow, what a GREAT spring break I am having!!” but you know, it’s been too depressing to put into words. Procrastinating on things I wanted to do this week, big plans – fixing and wallpapering the TV wall, filling out my EMT paperwork, or going to Mexico and picking up a girl who won’t appreciate it at all. But instead, I’ve sat in my recliner with the laptop heat seeping into my lap, a cat and now dog that wants to “share” the space between the laptop and my feet….hmmm about 20 lbs of the two together…all I can say is togetherness and weird at the same time for 3 different species to be so close in approximate to each other.
Now then, everything is “wonderful” right? So why do I have the urge to runaway…? My husband is cooperating and to be honest doing what I’ve asked of him…and he’s continues with counseling which I figured would have stopped by now. I like my job and very grateful for the second chance and to get out of Leo’s air. We have money to save, spend, etc……….so what’s so wrong with me? Why do I feel so insane and not want to enjoy any of this “life” that I have been given?
Do I know how to change from such a negative point of view? Have I wallowed too long in a place that now feels comfortable? Will anyone ever answer my questions I don’t ask them?
I’m getting the response to pray, look to God, read your bible…rely not on what you feel, trust what you know is truth! What I know is truth? Who’s truth? Because I am not sure what truth I should believe anymore.
I believe there is a God. I believe that God created man. I believe that Adam and Eve sinned. I believe what is written in the old testament really happened - Noah’s flood, Moses parting the sea, Joshua’s tumbling wall, and Job’s suffering…David’s souls desires…I “feel” I can’t believe that God therefore loves me…he sent his son to this world…but, let’s get real, for me. How would he even know me…I mean, that was so long before I was born…how can he know me? I’m just one person, in a house, in the middle of Tulsa, in the USA, and freedom to “choose”? what can I choose? If everything was predestine…then what can I choose? If I could choose, I want a family – kids…a more openly affection husband that does the spur-of-the-moment little things…no major planning, not a lot of money involve. I would like surprises…I’ve always loved surprises….when I was younger, snooping was always cool…I found things that I never would have known…I was just a kid and you know the youngest…so I was kept out of a few “grown up” things…my brother’s room was always an exciting adventure…unless I was caught sometimes…
Surprises ---- I like to give surprises too…more lately because I wished someone would do something like that for me. But I can at least do something for others – even without expecting in return…
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU………..
Now then, everything is “wonderful” right? So why do I have the urge to runaway…? My husband is cooperating and to be honest doing what I’ve asked of him…and he’s continues with counseling which I figured would have stopped by now. I like my job and very grateful for the second chance and to get out of Leo’s air. We have money to save, spend, etc……….so what’s so wrong with me? Why do I feel so insane and not want to enjoy any of this “life” that I have been given?
Do I know how to change from such a negative point of view? Have I wallowed too long in a place that now feels comfortable? Will anyone ever answer my questions I don’t ask them?
I’m getting the response to pray, look to God, read your bible…rely not on what you feel, trust what you know is truth! What I know is truth? Who’s truth? Because I am not sure what truth I should believe anymore.
I believe there is a God. I believe that God created man. I believe that Adam and Eve sinned. I believe what is written in the old testament really happened - Noah’s flood, Moses parting the sea, Joshua’s tumbling wall, and Job’s suffering…David’s souls desires…I “feel” I can’t believe that God therefore loves me…he sent his son to this world…but, let’s get real, for me. How would he even know me…I mean, that was so long before I was born…how can he know me? I’m just one person, in a house, in the middle of Tulsa, in the USA, and freedom to “choose”? what can I choose? If everything was predestine…then what can I choose? If I could choose, I want a family – kids…a more openly affection husband that does the spur-of-the-moment little things…no major planning, not a lot of money involve. I would like surprises…I’ve always loved surprises….when I was younger, snooping was always cool…I found things that I never would have known…I was just a kid and you know the youngest…so I was kept out of a few “grown up” things…my brother’s room was always an exciting adventure…unless I was caught sometimes…
Surprises ---- I like to give surprises too…more lately because I wished someone would do something like that for me. But I can at least do something for others – even without expecting in return…
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU………..
No comments:
Post a Comment