WHAT IF

Do you ever wonder what if's? What if I hadn't cheated on my 2nd grade spelling test. What if I didn't tell eddie or Tracy things that I though were my friends. What if I didn't go to camp every summer? What if I suck at life? What if because I not so sure I'm happy to be me? What if I am just average? What if I really don't have friends they just play along with me? Maybe I deserved to be alone! Alone, albertross, loser, one, never, ever CARE. WHO WOULD CARE. WHAT IF NO ONE WOULD CARE. WHAT IF NO ONE WOULD LOOk!!!!

Ramblings from the iPhone spelling doesn't count

Tissues Please

Cry, Crying, Tears, weepy Tears, salty drop sliding slowly down my cheak...I'm in a movie and it starts before I can understand what is it about that sends me on this crying spree!!

Trickling, bubbling into the next day and I've dragged it in today! My eyes are red and crusty ewe
How much futher do I hAve to go on living in what I see - a blanket of a white background with a lot of BLACK letters.

BLACK & WHITE ISSUES. no GRAY matter to make this so complex

Have an iPhone, keeping the world conneted.
Idk if I want that vunuary

How much do you weigh?

7 pounds? Interesting question since my husband and I went on a movie marathon today and saw 2 movies…let me set up my logic so bear with me for a moment! (and yes I meant BEAR)

4 Christmases: hmmm had one yesterday and it sucked. The In-law clan got together. Really dry ham and purgatory turkey breast….the mash potatoes and dressing were good for the first hour – after that…DRY. You know holidays bring out more about what YOU DON’T have then what you do. Hmm let’s use yesterday’s example shall we:
THE CLAN
Mom & Dad
4 boys
5 daughter-in-laws (3 removed)
7 grandchildren
2 grandchildren-in-laws (1 removed)
(then it’s the aunts, uncles, cousins thrown in with a
few snotty noses-where’s my fuzzy bunny etc)

The monarch of the family (who rules by the way) starts as soon as most people get there about WHO isn’t’ there and WHY they aren’t there and HOW come they won’t be there! Enough of that to turn one grandchild in tears not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in less than 2 hours! Then said monarch called soon to be ex-daughter-in-law to find said missing-grandchild – then invites the soon to be ex (her son – really NOT wanting his MOTHER to get INVOLVED – too late)

Throughout the day; 5 of the grandchildren show (1 is excused since he lives in WA) that leaves ONE MIA – ONE, again let me repeat myself – ONE. Well into the night, as the clan filters its way OUT the door – us left standing (ok sitting) are in the rerun from HELL with why so&so should be here and why can’t they just come and all – it was hard to follow the monarch’s thinking because it was leading to places I just plain got confused from one moment to another….thus after 10 hours – my quiet reserved husband – EXPLODED at his MOTHER for her constant nick picking of the family and who should be where and what and how rude and so forth --- I THINK HE REALLY BLEW THE MOTHER LOAD of all holiday cheer possible. The aftermath hasn’t been forth seen but I know it’s coming!!

SO THE REAL DIRECTION OF THIS POST:
Will Smith in “7 pounds” – morbid logic at its best. Here is a successful guy, smart, MIT, wife – has a car accident (texting on phone around a corner) and cause’s 7 people to lose their lives…he blames himself…SO he takes on his brothers identity (IRS agent) and audits people’s lives to see WHO is most deserving – finds 7 people (has to weed out some of the rift raft though) – 7 PEOPLE

In the end – this is a story about SUICIDE to justify the means – 7 PEOPLE who deserve to live when he wants to die. Die because he lost. Die because he felt lost. Die because he didn’t care anymore…

7 pounds – I’m trying to the math but my math is fuzzy and there isn’t really a lot to find quickly before I forget why I wanted to post this…….SEVEN POUNDS that’s what the director implies what ALL the DONATED ORGANS would weigh….it came down to the point that he fell in love AGAIN with the woman he planned on giving his HEART to – literally! HE saw it as a sacrifice. His way of paying forward for what HE had done wrong.

Now here’s the tricky part and an ethical one – should suicide victims (are they victims?) be able to say who gets what organ or can they really give an organ? Don’t you have to be a SOUND MIND to sign the waivers, living wills? SOOOO THIS HAS ME THINKING – actually RE-thinking the whole, hmmmm so what happens if you overdose but you have checked on your license to be a organ donor? WILL THEY USE what YOU didn’t want to?

theoretically speaking -- hmmmm

Found this from a website that was talking with Teenies -- how fitting, of course this is just "Hypothetically"

Therapist: So, how is it that you have come to see me today?
Client: I don’t know. I was old me I had to come and see you for follow-up.
Therapist: Oh. What did they think you needed to follow up on?
Client: They think I need to talk to someone about hitting.
Therapist: So, they think you need to talk to someone about hitting?
Client: Yeah.
Therapist: What do you think? Do you need to talk to someone about hitting yourself?
Client: No….well, I don’t know. Everybody seems to think it’s a big deal…
Therapist: So, everybody else thinks it’s a big deal and you aren’t sure if it is or not?
Client: Yeah…my husband, my sponsor, the doctor, they all think it’s a big deal and I guess, sometimes, when I think about it, it is pretty gross. I mean, when I do it, it’s great, but then I have to keep my arms covered up so no one sees. They just freak out when they see it.
Therapist: So, let me see if I have this straight…when you do it, it’s helpful, but then it becomes a problem because other people freak out and…maybe you do too?
Client: Yeah…I guess. It’s just that when I’m really angry, it just works so well.
Therapist: So, when you are angry, hitting yourself helps you to get through it?
Client: Yeah…I guess.
Therapist: And then you do it and then other people freak out and you kind of do too?
Client: Yeah…I guess.
Therapist: So, what if you had a way to deal with being angry that wouldn’t involve hitting yourself…how would that be for you??
Client: I guess that would be good, but……You are going to tell me I have to stop hitting, too!!!!!!
Therapist: So, you are concerned I will tell you that you have to stop hitting?
Client: It sounds like you are going to be just like everyone else who just doesn’t understand!
Therapist: I certainly don’t want to be another one of those people who don’t understand, so let me check in here to see if I am getting it. If you had a way to deal with anger that you wouldn’t have to hit yourself, that might be a good thing. But you are not sure if you want to give up the hitting completely?
Client: It’s just all so confusing…you know? I really don’t want to do it, but it works so well and I don’t know if that other stuff they talked about works as well. And the anger, you know, nobody listens…nobody understands. They all think I should just be able to “get through it.” They don’t understand how hard this all is for me. This life sucks and it’s tiring and I just want it to be over – done! Whatever!

time to hide

i time to be still or a time to not talk or a time not to judge or be judged....a time to HIDE and pretend there isn't a world out there, somewhere -- safe

4 new tires

1 overflow coolant bottle

1 radiator

1 water pump

1 timing belt

5 or 7 hoses that might as well be changed while in the car

1 inter tie rod

1 outer tie rod

(need axel but it can wait until? right)

now, ignition switch

sure am glad i knew somebody who knows how to fix my car --- who needs a new one?

my husband gets a new tv (not just a tv but A TV FREAKING BIG SCREEN HDTV) new sound system, AND a new barkolounger!

Fingernail Torture: Ve Have Vays Of Making Yov Tock

A bloody Mess i've gotten myself into! Onychophagia


"There are many explanations as to why some people bite their fingernails. Anxiety, stress, genetics, boredom, acquired behavior and self-esteem have all been identified as potential causes. Nail biting can be anything from a bad habit to an outward symptom of a medical or emotional disorder."

"Nail biting is primarily a nervous habit in children. Much like thumb sucking or carrying around a favorite toy, nail biting provides children with a sense of comfort that allows them to calm themselves more than they might be able to otherwise. Most children outgrow nail biting in time, particularly when others notice that their hands look raggy or “ugly”. In the meantime, pressuring children to stop biting their nails will likely have little result so parents should be sure to encourage their children to take better care of themselves without adding negative attention to the mix."

happy pills?

i just want to not feel much any more -- trying hard to care and show that i care and all i get is the opposite -- i can't win anymore, i can't make someone else HAPPY if i can't be happy myself! in the dark reccesses of the bathroom cabinet or lock box you can find things to make you forget!

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three, eighty-four, eighty-five, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred, one-o-one, one-o-two, one-o-three, one-o-four, one-o-five, one-o-six, one-o-seven, one-o-eight, one-o-nine, one-ten, one-eleven, one-twelve, one-thirteen, one-fourteen, one-fifteen, one-sixteen, one-seventeen, one-eighteen, one-nineteen, one-twenty, one-twenty-one, one-twenty-two, one-twenty-three, one-twenty-four, one-twenty-five, one-twenty-six, one-twenty-seven, one-twenty-eight, one-twenty-nine, one-thirty, one-thirty-one, one-thirty-two, one-thirty-three, one-thirty-four, one-thirty-five, one-thirty-six, one-thirty-seven, one-thirty-eight, one-thirty-nine, one-forty, one-forty-one, one-forty-two, one-forty-three, one-forty-four, one-forty-five, one-forty-six, one-forty-seven, one-forty-eight, one-forty-nine, one-fifty, one-fifty-one, one-fifty-two, one-fifty-three, one-fifty-four, one-fifty-five, one-fifty-six, one-fifty-seven, one-fifty-eight, one-fifty-nine, one-sixty, one-sixty-one, one-sixty-two, one-sixty-three, one-sixty-four, one-sixty-five, one-sixty-six, one-sixty-seven, one-sixty-eight, one-sixty-nine, one-seventy, one-seventy-one, one-seventy-two, one-seventy-three, one-seventy-four, one-seventy-five, one-seventy-six, one-seventy-seven, one-seventy-eight, one-seventy-nine, one-eighty, one-eighty-one, one-eighty-two, one-eighty-three, one-eighty-four, one-eighty-five, one-eighty-six, one-eighty-seven, one-eighty-eight, one-eighty-nine, one-ninety, one-ninety-one, one-ninety-two, one-ninety-three, one-ninety-four, one-ninety-five, one-ninety-six, one-ninety-seven, one-ninety-eight, one-ninety-nine,

TWO HUNDRED…..

wee morning

the ties that bind

Groom:
Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold, I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!

I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and faithfulness. As I place it on your finger, I commit my heart and soul to you. I ask you to wear this ring as a reminder of the vows we have spoken today, our wedding day.

so why didn't the pastor ask if he'd love me when my heart broke and hasn't healed......where is the God who listened to these words spoken 12 years ago?

good, bad, and ugly

You never realize how bad days can, have been until you actually have a good day. A brief moment in time when you think, “ok – things are ok – things are good…OKAY!” then the bad creeps back into the scene and dulls everything colored……like second day snow….there is the grey I see….my life seems like a really bad reality show!

Repeat-a-thon

I hit because I want to
I hit because I want to
I hit because I want to
I HIT BECAUSE I WANT TO
bitterness to bitterness
Bitterness to anger
Anger to Anger
ANGER to RAGE
RAGE to out of control

Crazy

She put the lime in the coconut,

she drank them both up

She put the lime in the coconut,

she called the doctor, woke him up...

Is it Black or White

is it the grey matter that makes the beauty of the eye's imagination?

what is significant about life

"the man who lives a significant life is marked out by four things: what he differs from, what he delights in, what he achieves and what he avoids."

Psalm 1

1. Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
2. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
4. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away.
5. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6. For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.
   

time

time, waiting, ticking noise that steadily reminds me that i'm waiting, quietly sitting, waiting, not very patiently, but waiting...waiting for the refresh button, waiting for the ding, waiting for an email to come but never does...i'm waiting for the email that probably won't come because it's not an email i should expect but hoped it would come before tomorrow....waiting

all i can do is wait -- all i can hope for is time

when is this lifetime up? when will it finally be over? who will really care if i'm just waiting

just a passing of time until what?

State of Mind

Happy-go-gether: “i am always struggling with trying to control the amount of drama i drag around with me everywhere... this need for constant reassurance, this need to be reminded on an hourly basis that it's ok, that i am not a raging pain-in-the-ass, that i am loved, that i am good enough... i try soooooo hard to step back and breathe and not make myself crazy and really not make people around me crazy...”

An alter ego i’ve created to look at not myself but someone else’s problems that relate to me, myself and I!

The DRAMA Queen

I have lived a terrible life, most of which has never happened… ~Mark Twain

Hypersensitivity Emotions

THE DRAMA QUEEN

downtime

Cry a river - Flood the sea
Cry a river over me
Take the bitter - With the sweet
And cry a river over me

Crying is perhaps the easiest and fastest way to release emotional pain, but unfortunately it has become socially unacceptable for both men and women to cry in public. We are already aware of all the social stigmas attached with those who cry in public (ie: weakness, in need of attention, etc.), but what most people are not aware of is the new scientific studies that actually prove tears caused from 'emotional crying' carry toxins not normally found in the tear created to simply moisten the eye.

Emotional tears contain three chemicals released by the body during stress: 1) Leucine-enkephalin — a mood-elevating and pain reducing endorphine 2) ACTH — a hormone considered to be the most reliable indicator of stress and 3) Prolactin — the hormone that regulates milk production in mammals.

History

Its been a bad day, you've been looking back

And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back

All your mistakes, a world of regrets

All of those moments you would rather forget

I know it's hard to believe

Let me refresh your memory

You know you can't stay right where you fell

The hardest part is forgiving yourself

But let's take a walk into today

And don't let your past get in the way

the dreaded word "CHANGE"

REORGANIZATION of administration feels like a 3-d puzzle....i never was really good at solving this!

the torn in my side

the devil rises again...and....again....and.....again
have i mentioned lately how much i HATE leo?

A Friend....

A Friend Loveth at all times…Proverbs 17:17

a friend
an associate (more of less close) brother, companion fellow friend husband, lover, neighbor, (an-)other

loveth
to have affection for (sexually or otherwise) -- (be-)love(-d, -ly, -r), like, friend.

at all times
time, especially (adverb with preposition) now, when, etc.

“Why do I need a sponsor or accountability partner?”

• It is biblical. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” And Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, one person sharpens another.”
• It is a key part of your recovery program. It helps you to stay honest, it helps you to make meetings a priority, it helps you maintain your spiritual program, and it helps you get involved in service.
• Having a sponsor or accountability partner is the best guard against relapse. Having someone to provide feedback helps you to see your dysfunctional habits if they start to return, and they are someone you trust to confront you with truth and love without placing shame or guilt.

"taking every thought CAPTIVE!!"

THAT'S IT....captive, holding out for a ransom, hostage with harm to unmet demands!

.............

My brain is function but is it normal? Apparently not, I guess I’m so out of balance and lack of control – this from a person who hopes people will do the things I say, not question why! But then I don’t have the POWER to make anyone do anything!

ANGER is the main underlying issue with PERFECTIONISM to boot….how do you live in a world today that either one of those thoughts arent together?

Guilt, Frustration, Stress --- GFS

Bitterness invokes anger, anger beget RAGE…

.................................................................

RAGE BREAKS BONES

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4

Where is the sustaining wisdom? Where is the carrying you through? Where is the RESCUE!

LIFE continues to SUCK!

YOU KNOW ITS A MONDAY!!!

mundane

on a cold and damp morning............

when GOD says NO

This was the title of a FRIEND SPAM MAIL and of course some lame things about why GOD says NO!!! But after the last 2 days and reminder of not having children, I took a deep breath when I saw this picture ---SEE THIS IS MY REALITIY OF NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I REALLY HATE PEOPLE TODAY!! I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT!

turmoil

deep, lost, dark hidings

can someone turn off all the lights?

"here boggie man, here boggie man"

in the mood to "just be DONE" with it -- everything thing

a small cry of HELP!

White As Snow

Looking at this, I feel like this bird had one big STRESS to make the colors disappear!!!!

LIFE CAN REALLY SUCK THE COLORS OUT OF THE WHOLE PICTURE!

"I know you are, but what am I?"

so sometimes i guess i do a lot of judging others because i can see who they are or trying to be and thinking that i'm glad i'm not like them...yeah right!!!

so then i can FIX others so that i can ignor/deny any part of my imperfections.

Acceptable Sad? when?

"Sadness is an important emotion. Just like laughter, it needs to be expressed to be appreciated. In our American culture, we are mistakenly taught to keep sadness to ourselves, to not show it in public, to deny it to the light of day..."

whatever!!!!

Cry a river

Flood the sea

Cry a river over me

Take the bitter

With the sweet

And cry a river over me

i feel...

alone...............

WHO AM I

Who am I?
I AM the Queen of England
Who am I?
I AM Cleopatra
Who am I?
I AM Alice in Wonderland

Keep all body parts inside the car....have a good ride!

at least I’m not jumping off a cliff right! But here goes a ride of a lifetime………..careful, flying brain matter maybe exposed….

Then to all who don’t know me or read this…I’m stopping ALL medication………that’s what my husband wants…………….that’s what he’ll get then….if that proves to him that I do love him!

That’s all that matters right?

hide & seek

i wanted to hide

i don't want to be seeked

hide....

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.... where can i hide and NO ONE find me???

6, 7, 8, 9, 10........................pick up sticks?

dark, black, no light is wanted -----

"ROAD" trip

ewww, sorry mr. froggie

i walked out of my backdoor and almost step on FROGS....froggies...
i am sick of water
i am sick of rain
i am sick of humidty
i am sick of doggie puddles and poo's
i am sick of my kitchen being FLOODed 3 times in the last 2 weeks.
i am sick of water
i am sick of tears
i am sick of no one understanding me
i am sick of meds that don't work
i am sick of taking a gadzillion pills in all shapes and sizes
i am sick of phone calls
i am sick of texting forever and still being misunderstood
i am sick of responsibility
i am sick of expectations
i am sick of people
i am sick of STUPID people
i am sick of MOODY people including
i am sick of:

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


FYI - Bruises change colors over time in a predictable pattern, so that it is possible to estimate when an injury occurred by the color of the bruise.

Acceptable Facts

Description: A contemporarily razor blade Pendant with a round brilliant cut, this Razor Blade Pendant for you in Solid Silver Plated Pendant fully embedded with Cubic Zircon. These gifts make wonderful treasures that are used every day. Exclusive item! and look terrific. The thick chain is 24 inches long with 1 1/2 inches extensionThe Pendant measures 2 inches long and 1 inch wide


Why is cutting being more acceptable? Its a pride and joy to share. Its not something to be ashame of anymore...its more expected to have particiapted...normal....NORMAL?

"Bug Has Sex With Orchids"

ewwweeeeeee!!

In a SPLIT second

SHEER PANIC

Haven’t had to bolt right out in while but tonight proved different. At a normal Saturday night meeting, I was already “anxious”…..then there’s change….CHANGE…it’s so unpredictable and it’s hard to adjust to….

But it’s been coming on like that for the last couple of weeks. In a nano-second, I’ve gone from wanting to run a stop sign with a MACK truck in traffic to FREAKING out tonight and walking aimlessly down Sheridan. Step by step and one foot forward. I was in my own little world that seems to be closing all around me. I didn’t care I was barefoot. I was cold physically and emotionally……..WONDERING around until a truck honked and the guy asked me if I was working….WORKING – who me?

walk,walk,WALK as each step takes me further and further away….away from friends, away from God…away from EVERYTHING except my mind.

How can you escape from your mind? I DON'T WANT TO BE ME ANY MORE...........I JUST WANT IT OVER....FINISH...DONE!

Show me yours.....and i'll show you mine

resistance is fetal