Breathing Exersizing

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. " Sleepless in Seatle

1 one-thousand
2 one-thousand
3 one-thousand
4 one-thousand (stop holding your breath)
5 one-thousand
6 one-thousand
7 one-thousand
8 one-thousand
9 one-thousand

This will be a long night. I had to call the big boss and tell him the can of worms I've opened. He was no happy and I don't know how I will react after it all comes out. It is a possblity to took the blame since I asked the question!

FYI

Something tempting --- I so want to escape from my life!!!!!!

If only.....

Just.......

Once I want to do the wrong thing!!!!
Really wrong!!!

(ambien would be wrong)

FAME

sometimes I wonder
where I've been
who I am
do I fit in
make believing
is hard alone
out here on my own

I do want to be ne any more right now. I just don't like who i am. It's not what I am. Pretending to be normal take way too much energy and living a lie is to share with others so the insanity continues to grow. Mind wonders from one place to another where can I go and who would help me. Crying seems to be the only thing I can control. Everything else is in complete calais abd the shame, guilt deserves punishment. Not as good as those around me or I just think mistakes is a form of defeat. Maybe I am unsafebut what do I do about that? If I don't tell then no body will show concern. Now the question is can I hold everything together for the next 5 days?????

Where is the off switch?

Can't stop thinking......good? The bad and the really ugly!

Un-Safe

....my life has become unmanageable... when I start sleeping with the enemy every night.... The very thing I don't want to avoid right now and yet it doesn't bring me comfort or relief...just guilt and shame. Insanity. Out if Control. No accountability. I felt alone in a crowded room full of friends who I would have thought knew there is something very wrong with me and my behavier yet not one...not one.

"I know nothing good lives in me..."

Who am I to judge if I'm safe? How will I know when I've crossed the line?

What Is Safe?

Safe...is when no one can touch you
Safe...is a place where there is protection
Safe...means there isn't immedaite harm
Safe....sAfe...saFe...safE....

Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?

WAITING FOR THE ANSWER! but I haven't heard it yet? so What does that mean?

"Out of control" may (probably) = unsafe.

Well EVERYTHING hit the fan today

Ahhhhhhh

We on a mini break and I get back into the office to find that ALL my personal stuff out of site! My desk is to look non cluttered. NON-Cluttered or in other words I would put in as "no one works here"

Then

I was planning on working late tonight BUT than got a URGENT text that I MUST COME HOME!!! To clean up the kitchen from the dogs making a stinky mess that HE can't stand the smell.

Now that just means I have to go into work early!!!!!!!!

LIFE SUCKS!

Unworthy


I'm jittery and wide awake and not thinking very much about everything. Why can't I just go with the flow and not be so that when something goes wrong I can let it go?

HOW STUPID I FEEL SOMETIMES!

and sooooo afraid to admitt that to anyone! 