Broken record...

Well, I would say I don't repeat things but I feel like I'm on a broken record or a really bad skip and repeating over and over and over everything I've done wrong!!! I so want to hang on to what I know but what I know isn't quite right.

So now what have I done that is so wrong? That's the point I think I'm trying to make myself believe. Believe that I can change...

Grateful? Appreciative? I've been told aren't feelings....but it's so hard to choke out the words. I don't think I'm ready to give up...

Estatic Joy....

maybe...I guess I should hold on to the little things...but I think I finally found the perfect laptop case and I can wait to get it...yes now I have to wait for ground shipping to get to me...but that's just time....it comes in dora blue!!!

Estatic Joy....

maybe...I guess I should hold on to the little things...but I think I finally found the perfect laptop case and I can wait to get it...yes now I have to wait for ground shipping to get to me...but that's just time....it comes in dora blue!!!

Knock cube!!

Anxiety...to the nth degree What was a 180 degree day compared to last Sunday left me in just the same emotional wreck...I'm so exhusted and I haven't done much today. I know it's because I can't sleep well enough. I'm waiting up almost every hour and I just can seem to get that deep sleep feeling when I wake up to get up. This of course sets the day...large group of people...I'm hot one minute and cold the next. Too many people sitting behind me....all I can do to calm myself is breathe...I leave the first service and think I can't do the next...headed home and really just wanted to climb back into bed and hide under the covers even if I can't sleep....but once home...I realize that's not a healthy choice so I make myself go to the 2nd service. Perry...what a christ centered man. A quite intervert preacher....but he words pack a might punch. I don't think he knows what to say to help or what to do when I ask him questions. But I know he's there and I know he is concern for me. 2nd service...less people but still the anxiety exisits...breathe...but I don't make it through the entire service. I leave during the last part of the sermon...I know Perry notices...maybe he'll contact me later this week or actually respond to one of my many emails...thus the walls cave in and I sucome to hiding under the covers for 2 hours before responding to my husband's needs for dinner. My only purpose for the day. It's only 8 and I can't even pray for the meds to take over since they are not as many...I'm getting back to the point where I just want some sleep....but to sleep means I can't function in my world...but how and I to function in this same world without sleep?

Knock, Knock.....

I maybe there (wherever there is) physically....but mentally this morning I can't say for cerntain that I was really there. It was hard just to think let alone speak...and when I did no one seemed to understand me...I kept screaming in my mind..."I'm ok, really, just give me a second or two to adjust to whats going through my body." But I guess outwardly I was not ok and it had to be dealt with by someone other then me...I couldn't control the situation. So it has been a very long day and three doctors later, I sit in front of the tv just veggin on Ladies free skate knowing I don't have the energy to get up and get something to eat I admire all the skaters...and cry when one falls.

Let the Games Begin....

Not really been watching too much of the Olympics...but I'm American and just like a couple of others I'm watching the Ladies Ice Skating. I think when I watch it you always hold your breath at every jump and turn. Just a prayer that they don't fall.

If only life was a twist of jumps and spins but it the turns that have you holding my breath for the next brick to hit. Just hoping it doesn't knock me down.

A "Husband" Free Day

My husband always gives me hard time when I have a school holiday and he still has to go to work. So what does a "husband" free day look like....I can sleep late and not feel guilty...but I decided to get up at 9 and have a small breakfast while I read a book and did some journaling before my 10 o'clock massage appointment....yes, a major pampering and yes it was as good as it sounds. Then in time to go out for lunch -- Cheddar's --- off to do some comparison shopping -- looking for a laptop case and picture frames. Found two cute 4.x6 frames but I really need some 5x7. Home for the afternoon -- the snow is melting and I'm having "fun" driving through the SLUSH whenever I can! Of course had to stop at Quiktrip and get an Ice Tea and a Lottery ticket (to dream)...So what do I do at home...clean my kitchen floor...read that if you have a clean kitchen floor then your house looks cleaner...we will have to wait and see if the husband notices...cleaning floor entailed moving all the rugs, table, & chairs....sweeping, vacuming, and mopping...then putting everything back. At least it smells clean and yes I think you could eat off of it but since I have a dog and cat prints....I'm not going to try! Ha To end my "hubby" free day...off to a Dr. appt....then reality hits back and I have to fix dinner and spend quality time with him in front of the tv.

Have a Nice Day...

A day where I would think a "snow day" and not venture too far out...I get up and go to church. As 3 inches of ice crystals accumulate while in service...I just think I can drive...slowly...but drive in a very icky mess. It's not so much on how I drive but the other idots that are out on the road with me! Do I drive straight home...no...I'm on a mission...not so impossible but just a mission...a bad choice...but just the same. Sliding through the store parking lot. I pick a spot that doens't have any cars around...protect my bumpers no need to park on top of another car. I think about why I'm there. I idle for a few minutes with the heater going full blast...windshield wippers squeaking on a timer...it's time to leave the warmth of my car seat. I cross the icy lot (with heals not sensible shoes) with extreme care. Make it into the store...been there so many times I know exactly where I'm headed...there's hardly anyone in there (duh) and all I hear is the click of my heals on the concret floor as I walk with a purpose down the isle to the specific spot with great inticipation...but wait...what I want isn't there. Destiny...as I turn away from the hanging board and walk back towards my car. Now what...idlng with the heater back on...some how I managed into another parking lot...not happy I have to go in there...or do I. Purpose driven mission...how can I change my mindset....I can hear the voices of everyone one who really knows me and where I'm headed but I'm stubborn...I have the other voice telling me to get out of the car and go in. I tracked again into the store with the same concret floor and the click of the heals....I know where to go in this store as well. Not that I don't like this brand but I have a favorite type...a specific type of head, handle, pounds...I quickly look over the hanging boards and again....major disappointment...why...maybe its a sign...turn and walk away....just turn and walk away...just can't...bingo found what I was looking for on the bottom shelf.

I can't imagine what the cashier is thinking about my purchase in a place where I would be out of place on a normal day but today isn't normal. I pay and she replys with a smile "Have a nice day"...If only she knew the true purpose of being there.

The Ideal Wife

A wife of a noble character...Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than percious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinger him b ut help him all her life.

...she gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household...she is energic and strong, a hard worker...she extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy...she is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and dos not have to bear the consequences of laziness.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly delcare her praise.

I can't match that! Who can be the perfect wife that has pork chops and a clean kitchen floor....I feel like I've lost before I've started....I was reminded again tonight how much it sucks not having children.

Beauty from Ashes

If it's not enough to have 3 blogs -- I've created a new blog called "captivating"...follow the links sometime.....

Simple Logical Math but then again...

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!


I got this as an email and it was interesting...But then I started to think of some other words and wonder:

S-A-L-V-A-T-I-O-N =113%

I-N-C-H-R-I-S-T = 100%

A Perfect World

In a perfect world you could be happy.....in a perfect world...you'd be content with what you do, how you do, and where you do it. In a black and white world there is a right way to do things and then the wrong way....In our world there are expericences that teach us lessons on life each day!

To Dance...

Well, I made it through a very interesting thing last night. I went to a school function last night. It was what they called a sweetheart dance...ok first of all, I haven't been to a high school dance in over 20 years...the music seemed louder, and what the girls were wearing were smaller and more exposing.

Here I'm not really into crowds or loud music...and I go to a dance...why, wanted to be there if one of my students won the queen. (she didn't but that's because she had to compete against the 3 cosmo girls) I'm glad she took the time to run. It was out of her element and I think it was good for her to get all dressed up. Afterwords, I gave her my Braum's card so that she and her sister could go get Ice Cream! Thought that would be a good pick me up! ha

That wasn't all the dance symbolized to me...I think it was the fact that I took the time to get dressed up, make up, wear my contacts (which I still think they are worse then without my glasses)...I guess I looked ok. We'll leave that verdict out until I see the pictures on Monday. It was definitly something different to do on a Friday.

The Color of Blue?

You with the sad eyes don't be discouraged oh I realize it's hard to take
courage in a world full of people you can lose sight of it all and the darkness
inside you can make you fell so small But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors and that's why I love you so don't be afraid to let them
show your true colors true colors are beautiful like a rainbow Show me a smile
then don't be unhappy, can't remember when I last saw you laughing if this world
makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear you call me up because you
know I'll be there And I'll see your true colors shining through I see your true
colors and that's why I love you so don't be afraid to let them show your true
colors true colors are beautiful like a rainbow

It was interesting watching the Super Bowl this year...of course I like watching football but during this game ever commerical is pretty cool too. It's who can top everyone to be the top commerical. Of course I had to laugh at most of the bud commericals...I like the streaking sheep...cute but there was one that I've been thinking about most of the week. It was a dove commercial that was simple and to the point. That every one is beautiful in their own skin. It was nice to hear the chorus of girl scotts singing "True Colors" So I've posted the words because it is such a good song if you can hear the words -- read them is more like it.

One of my favorite colors is blue. It seems so pure and clear like the hope diamond or an iceberg. Half my clothes are blue and I have a blue sapphire as my engagement ring...it's better than a diamond. It's me...my friends call it Dora Blue which is a very specific shade of blue.

Margins...............

I am reading a book that is interesting to a point...margins of life or if you want to call them boundaries...I'm looking at them more as buffers....it's between what I can handle and what is over my limits. "Once we reach our limits, fatigue sets in, followed quickly by exhaustion and collapse..."

How to combat this:
Set realistic expectations
Accept what cannot be changed
Learn to relax ("behavioural aspirin")
Establish boundaries (learn to say no)
Forgive
Take time to play

I'm still reading the middle so maybe there's more to this then meets the eye! I just have to keep repeating positive words.

I say and think...

I SAY............... GOD SAYS
I say: "It's impossible" God says: All things are possible(Luke 18:27)
I say: "I'm too tired" God says: I will give I rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
I say: "Nobody really loves me" God says: I love you(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )
I say: "I can't go on" God says: My grace is sufficient(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
I say: "I can't figure things out" God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I say: "I can't do it" God says: I can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
I say: "I'm not able" God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
I say: "It's not worth it" God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )
I say: "I can't forgive myself" God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
I say: "I can't manage" God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
I say: "I'm afraid" God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
I say: "I'm always worried and frustrated" God says: Cast all your cares on ME (1 Peter 5:7)
I say: "I'm not smart enough" God says: I give I wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
I say: "I feel all alone" God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

a-clide-o-scope of things

My take on IMB:
I've been reading bits and pieces about the International Mission Board (IMB)but to me it will always be the Southern Baptist Foreign Mission Board located in Richmond, VA....oh how I remember the old building it used to be housed in...I know it's long since changed but as a kid it was amazing to think about living in another country while your parents were missionaries. In GA's taught me about mission and writing missionaries. So with that said...I couldnt believe when my parents applied for Cali, Columbia I was in shocked. This took our entire family on a whirlwind for a year of appling. I did't know it would take so long. and be such a long process for someone to volunteer to be a missionary. There were many trips back and forth to VA to meet with different people. Even I had to go and I was just a kid. I thought it would be cool to live in another country. My parents had taken me down with them over the summer to show me where we would live and where I would go to school. I was getting excited for this chance....It was going to be so neat because if we made the selection then at Ridgecrest our family would be intoduced as new missionaries. (I would have already been there because it was a centerifuge for teens that week) BUT....3 weeks before that summer's night they (FMB) decided not to select our family....reasons were given that my brother was a freshman in college, my sister was a junior....and I was about to go into 7th grade-almost too old for admission....I'm sure there were other reasons but they didn't share that much with us kids. So to make a long story short ...I do think about the IMB...I know some missionaries that are still part of the organization. I used to look for a church that believed in the SBCFMB and would go there. But I find now that I don't particiapate as a SBC member although I still have my membership there.

MARGINS
One of the pastors I listen to is doing a book review. Makes me stop and ponder. But I don't know if I have anything to really write about.

Church
Sunday morning and I reliving the night before. So I've got to start early or in the yesterday. Saturday nights I go to a meeting kinda like an AA group but it's christ-centered based. It's not like I have an addiction but I do things that are more in the catagory of obsessive and codepencies not to mention the elephant in the room -- depression. So by the time I got home....I was ready for bed. Took my meds and crawled into bed. But I remember waking up in the middle of the night and craving sugar...I had a glass of orange juice....that wasn't enough I got a piece of b-cake...in the middle of the night. Then I crawled back to sleep only to wake up later for the same craving....so again we hit the kitchen. and again crawled back to the sugar high sleep! ....this leaves the alarm clock ring at 8:30....so about 8:50...I crawled out of bed and when to the 9:00 service. I was late. duh. But I made it into my usual seat. but was I really there? At the last song...I snucked out...really didn't want to talk to anyone especially my sponsor! ugh...then I was hungry...I have an hour before the next service...so I go to IHOP. Which of course made me a little late in the second service...where it all comes together...the matter was the same so I guess I was there to hear now can I take courage into what was said and done. Well, I left during the last song which is the same reason...I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Why is that? I'm afraid of what I'll say and do. I'm so emotional.

Counting 1 through 9

My girlfriend gave me this cool numbers game. You can only use numbers 1 through 9 in squares of 3 to make a larger squares of 9...It satisfied my need to count. It is funny in the sense I have to talk aloud to myself to see which number goes where and not. It's helping get through the thoughts.

Groundhog's Day

It seems people didn't really make that much of a big deal about the groundhog seeing his shadow. I guess here in Oklahoma, we've had a wonderful winter so far..(it was so nice outside today...you could just sit in the sun)

But today isn't just like another day...I was born 39 years ago...gosh how did that seem so long ago and does that mean I'm old? Then I remember my childish ways and have to laugh at myself that I'm really not that old mentally!

As birthdays come and go...today was an ok day...maybe not one for the memory book but it was ok.