Thought

"God provides the power to change"

Interesting thought because that means I have to rely on him and i'm not sure I have enough trust that I'll have an answer. I believe in God but can I know which is the right belief?

ILU

Even after all this time
and all that we've been through
I still have trouble finding ways
to show my love for you

I wish I were the kind of man
who is good at thinking of
romantic little gestures
and poetic words of love

But the plain and simple truth is
I am an ordinary guy
who's happy you still love me
though sometimes I wonder why

Just know I really care for you
in my own quiet way
and in my heart
I give you roses every single day

Please! Please!

I want to go home! Where's the peace? I'm sooooooooooooo done! There isn't enough chocolate to be around rhe in laws

Shutting down

It's over! Done! Finished! Now I just want to sleep forever! No one cares.... No one will know the differance one way or another...... I'm getting sleepy

Disappiontment

I've been shutting down even more and my friends just are too busy to know that. My husband isn't noting much. I've put up my tree just in the last hour but it doesn't mean much.

iPhone entry

the broken of broke

xray's are over rated....esp if you don't want someone to find out your secret.....
i will not go

Customer Service

Who the fuck thought tracking phone calls was good customer service. Do they fucking understand it adds another 5 mins to a call. Plus I don't know EVERYTHING then who do I transfer them and and how do I track that! I think the fucking person who had this brillant idea answer the phone for one week or one day!!!!!

This may pit me at the truth that I can only answer phones and Not be available for special projects.

Again, what do the fuck!!!!! Ugghhggrrrrrrrrr I'm so mad my spinal fluid is boiling!

Vegging Out

▸ noun:  inactivity that is passive and monotonous, comparable to the inactivity of plant life ("Her weekend was spent in restless sleep"

how unworthy does time stand so still and yet passes days into months. One moment! One second! Things just changed! There is no going back. I can only reflect on the should-ofs...the maybes...I'm not perfect and the more I try, the less I become perfect. What's up with guilt and shame and why do I think in these terms? Justice and punishment! Who judges and what punishment?

Understand?

WHAT part of "I don't care" do you NOT understand?

Ode to Joy

Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee,
God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee,
opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;
drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness,
fill us with the light of day

20 hours have been fun, happy

now, I'm empty- like something just such up everything and left me standing. Afraid? A shamed. Alone!

The blues

Multi-shades of blue exsposed to the world...hidden in plain sight. If you pay attention, you can see how series I am! If not, I'm perfectly normal.

Choices

There are always choices: good, bad & stupid

good - breathing
bad - not caring
stupid - opening the safety box!

Dream On.....

Every time I look in the mirror
The past is gone

Sleep doesn't come soon enough and I lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling replaying the events of the day. Some regrets some good but sways analizing the triggers hoping I will control them better tomorrow.

Where am I? Who am I? Why should I care?

Tomorrow brings me to a funeral of someone I've never met. I hate funerals...it's an end. That person is done from this world. Nothing can ever bring him back. Sorrow Sadnees overflows my soul - I do not like this feeling and wish I didn't agree to go. There isn't away to look at this as good.

"Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
 
Dream On, Dream On, Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On, Dream On, Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On, Dream On, Dream On"

Nothing, Zero, Empty

I don't feel anything
I am just I am
numb
carelass

dark
empty
down
hollow shell of what I'm SUPOSED to be

where is God in all of this? When will I find? When will all of this mush be explained?

I'd say God help me but I haven't heard back from him in such a long time ago! I've stopped listening!

Not a Very HAPPY person

Happiness begins when selfishness end

Tears of joy or tears of blah

One minute it's a single tear of joy but then what follows are floods of sobs. Can't I do anything right? Why am I wrong so often? I struggle with being human. It's not easy for me to accept failure or admitt when I know I was wrong! Pride-anger-bitterness; emotional depression. How can I survive on more moment of disapointemnt? How do I let go of the past and worry about the future when it's today & now... Anger; Pride; bitterness

Across a crowded room

I hide myself within because I can!!! I really don't like people even ones I've been around. There must be something wrong with me!!

Fly me to the sky

Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care
My master's gone away

Shut Up: Shut Down. AROUND!!!!!

I'm just tired
I'm done
leave me alone
I don't care anymore

fuck, Fuck, FUCK

Do Not FUCK around with a oujee board!!

FUCK!

lions, tigers & BEARS oh my

Interesting disscussion at CR. Temptations as "we" get too comfortable in recovery and somehow petting a bear seems logical right? Back away from the bear. Slowly. Keeping the bear infront and move diagonally!!!

My bear seems too cuddly to attack! It can't hurt me. I DONT WANT TO LET GO!! I just want to die.

Screw life

I AM SO DONE WITH ALL THE MEDS I TAKE!!!!!! for one moment,I've already turned the world and peolpe off. I'm done I'll let know how tomorrow is :(

People, people who need people ...

I've already turned the world and peolpe off. I'm done I'll let know how tomorrow is

Mental Heath day

right now, right here

my life sucks! and i can't sleep

Life sucks in more ways then i can count

for some reason -- i'm watching the baby channel tonight as punsihment!

...i think, therefore...................

excerpts from a spam email (r.warren)

"Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts" (Proverbs 4:23 GNT)

Long before psychology came around, God said your thoughts determine your feelings and your feelings determine your actions. If you want to change your life, you've got to control the way you think.

Our minds are really an amazing creation. It would take a computer the size of a small city just to carry out the basic functions of your brain. Your brain contains over one hundred billion nerve cells. Each individual cell is connected with ten thousand other neurons.

In addition, you're constantly talking to yourself--all the time. Your mind is talking to you! You're talking to yourself right now. Research indicates that most people speak at a rate of 150 to 200 words per minute, but the mind can listen to about 500-600 words a minute.

In fact, our internal dialogue--the conversation we have with ourselves--is at a rate of 1,300 words per minute. How? Because our mind sees in pictures, and you can see a thought in a nano-second!

The problem is a lot of us are like Job, who says, "Everything I say seems to condemn me" (Job 9:20 GN). He is saying, in effect, "Everything I say puts me down." If you are typical to the human race, you are your own worst critic.

We're always putting ourselves down. We walk into a room smiling, but inside we're thinking, "I’m fat. I'm dumb. I'm ugly. And I'm always late!"

How do you eliminate negative self-talk so you can become a more confident person?

What does SO DONE mean?
• I don’t want any more human contact or stimulus activity
• I’m physically/emotionally exhausted
• I wished I didn’t feel so many responsibilities
• I’m tired of pretending to be what people want me to be
• I hate my life, life sucks, life is so unfair (whine)
• I just want the day to be over
• If it’s over, I can’t hit anymore
• I want to crawl into the closet and hide
• I want to escape into another place
• I can’t stand one more thing to have to fix
• I can’t do anything right and it’s just one more failure
• It’s over, finished, through, desiring an end, waiting for the next hell to begin
• I’ve arrived/concluded failure/defeat
• Where is God in all this?

OFFICE Management 101

Rule Number One:
Never complain about what you permit.


I WANT TO GO HOME AND STAY UNDER THE COVERS FOR 40 YEARS!!!

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

the sound of water drops on my glasses as i try to run from my world -- drowning in the drama --- why is there alwasy drama? it must be me because it follows me like a lost puppy dog......................................i am so done for now!!!!!!!!!

SOOIOOO DONE

I'm hiding under the covers for the next 24 hours

Duck Duck Duck Duck GOOSE!

I'm so stressed out with drama - keeping everyone else's duck in a row while mine are drowning because I don't know Whatelse to do!! Where is God in all this madness?

The topic to night was grace. Somehow it turned into what would the present "me" tell the old/past "me" how God will get you through the rough time. The PAST "me" would be pissed off at the present "me" for the lack of faith? Hope? I could see past me shaking present me by the shoulders saying "wake up! What the hell are you doing!!"

I'm not very greatful about much! I'm tired. Tomorrow is full of more disappointments. The past, reminders of failure. No one understand that but the present "me". What about the future "me"? Is there a future "me"?

so evil and so bad
dissapointment
bitterness
disassocation
mad
angry
rage

i hate this life and i'm ready for the next hell to start -- i want off this roller coaster
a prick from a thorn is better then a cruelity of words that cut to the heart.

Closet Cry

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

i'm dying or wanting to die

you know when your at the ends of the day and yes even staying a home leads to places and things you shouldn't go....i really don't mean everything i say or everything i think -- i just struggle with what is life!

The True Confessions of an intravert in an extrvert body

The SHE CAVE - one's place that's comfortable, safe from the reality of a crewl unjust, unfair world. 10x13 2 windows are optional no windows are preferred (alternative is what some would call a closet)


I'VE DECIDED TO WITHDRAW INTO THIS CAVE FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS - to much conflict and I finally shut down.


It's a beautyful day I think. Maybe it's time to come out and see my shadow.
----------------
iPhone ramblings

Hostility

ANGER
MAD
INSANITY
UNCONTROLABLE
BOILING RAGE

i deserve pain

The family fued

Ok so I think the COOPERS missed on the hatfield & mccoys. They just fight among each other--young or old

ash to ash -- dust to dust

rambling thoughts -- i sometime just wonder where people's minds go sometimes. they ask the same question and i respone with the same answer and then they turn around and ask the same question in other words...which in turn, i answer with the same answer (same words) -- i really don't know why people are stupid. why they cannot comprehend english...now granted it COULD be me because i'm aweful at speaking perfect english -- i don't know. it just is one of those things that i'm on auto mode. it's like answer the phone -- if i know who you are -- i answer it like that BUT if i don't know -- then i have that OTHER voice....even brent can't recognize it --- i'm other person asnwering a stupid question in the MOST polite and sweet manger....BALLHHAHA... what a crock! so the topic should have totally lost most people and no interesting in reading a blog let alone my blog -- so you know, when this life as i know it right now is OVER, i want to just be dust -- turned to ashes and dumped in a hole and a rose bush!!! that's it...that's all i want.....i don't need anything else.....and it's not like i've made anything significant to this world to be notice after death --- yes that's just what i want.....................ash to ash -- then dust to dust! hmmmm to dream and wish for this WORLD TO BE OVER WITH!!!!

meOW

CAN'T I JUST BE LIKE HER!!! AND WHEN I MEOW -- PEOPLE BACK OFF!!!

pull over!!!!

Monday Morning: running late becasue i just didn't like any of the outfits i had put on -- eweee i'm getting soooo fat! UGH! -- texted co-worker that i'm running late....great!!!

get in the car (love my car) and hit the road! can't catch a break and hit almost ever red light there is..............finally pass all major traffic and from 71st to creek turnpike -- smooth sailing....(just a eye on the reveiw to make sure nothing is coming fast behind me.....

one more exit and i'm there --- toll booth (oh no... is that...am i...crap)

pulled over....turned off the radio......and rolled down the window (ok...i rolled down 3 windows trying to figure out which one is the driver's -- God, power everything is still hard to get used to)
"do you know you were going 73 through the toll booth?"
"aajbbbaaaahhmmmmm -- i just got this car....its new to me and uhmmmm"
"well, i'm going to give you a warning, it will be a few minutes"

(GREAT! doesn't he know i'm late enough!)

as much as i can laugh at this now -- i wasn't laughing for a couple of days -- it's also fitting to make the added information that i pull over right under the speed limit sign that said 70.....another 100 feet and i'd only be 3 miles over!!!!

If a malet could talk

One lump or two

dissapointment

So, honestly, I truly hate myself. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate what I think. I hate where I'm heading and i can't seem to stop. I know I expect someone to hold me accountable? But no one came read my mind. No one has picked up on the suttle hints I say. Is this who I've been most of my life? Why should I care so much about what others will think of me? Why do I expect everything to revolve around me. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE MYSELF. it isn't or shouldn't ne a out me. I am old enough to STOP PLAYING these mind games. Mind games - how FAR can I go without going over the edge? How stable am I? Is there or will there be someone else to care? Brent's there but does he get me or does be feel responsible?

THE MORE I TRY TO RATIONALIZE THESE FEELINGS. THE MORE I THINK I HATE MYSELF!

Dissatisfied = [discourage] = bitterness = anger = hate = rage = punishment

I WANT OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER! I SO WANT TO BE DONE AND AGAIN SEE WHAT THE NEXT HELL WILL BRING!

Where Are You God? It's Me! I can't hear or what am I suppose to hear! I'm not sure what I'm to listen for!!!


IPhone rant

moods swings from left to right or right to left

I really hate myself - why is that soooo wrong!!

Who Reigen on my parade!

Of all days. When things are already sad - a friend called me high maintenance.

WOW

When did I become a burden to her? As with most relationships I'm more on the reserved side of my reflections I TRY HARD TO KEEP THAT WHOEVER I AM A GOOD PERSON... so forgive me if I tell you what is really troubling me or how I really feel!!!

Whinne & Cheese

I sooooo want a dead drop sleep that I a) don't dream or can't remember b) not wake up at 2 am and c) that I don't have to deal with people. No interaction!!!

iPhone
surfing 24/7

As a 42 year old female I sometimes regress into that 10 year old who thinks I know everything or pretending to know everything so that I can be liked by all. Liked by All...whoa that is a profound thought. Can't I be liked by everyone -- am I different enough not to be liked? ok I know back then (and maybe now) I was pretty immature and very annoying. What did I get from that -- maybe some attention but I think more I got isolation. What I craved was acceptance.

The joyful child - I look at this figurine and saw myself sitting on the floor with a hundred other kids listening to Jesus talk. He was gentle and kind with words and he was willing to answer all kinds of questions....there's where I sit...on the side with my head turned away from all eye contact...just waiting.....

if he really cared, he'd see me
if he really cared, he'd comfort me
if he really cared, I wouldn't be so lost
if he really cared, life would be more fair!
if he really cared, I’d know

feeling is just an emotion – when emotions control the thought process – is there a way to break that runaway train doomed for failure

scaried cat

reality has me hiding back into my shell --- i just want to go home, i just want to be by myself, i just want things to be fair!

Melt Down

Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrr I'm not sure how to explain all of the emotions I feel. It's borderline anger or crying just it's so intense and so out there I don't know how much more timewise can I take. I want to RUN. I mean leave. Be done! Finished! Out of here! God Help Me Now!!!!

up, up, and away

"to the moon Alice! To the moon!!"

i'm never EVER going to have any say....

i need to just shut up because nothing i'm saying is reaching anything listening....

i'm being selfish because i want a car

i want a $9000 dollar car

i want a manual shift

i want it to be red

i want to.......................................die

Starry Windy Night

last night -- I panicked, anxiety was so high I bail out on my support meeting – too many people and not enough air -- and the afterglow processes....turned off my phone and sat in the darkness......after letting the dogs out, I realized how nice it was last night. A full moon and a light breeze -- rustling of things.....where I guess it was the best idea to get fresh air -- today I’ve paid for my allergies are at their highest........but nothing beats sleeping out under the stars even if it's in the backyard, in Oklahoma, with everything blowing in the wind.......it gives the whole experience of closed in a new meaning.

Stillness

Doesn't always mean quiet or peace

just i am

Things that go BUMP on the DAYLIGHT

Please someone wake me up - I WANT OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So screaming doesn't seem to help especially if people see you in your car == the only escape i'm finding (i need a new car!) I pretend – the one thing I do very well. I can smile and say everything is just fine because that’s what people want to hear! Plus, I’m trying not to be labeled a “drama queen” even though I guess everything seems to be a big deal to me!!! In compare to others events, I guess mine aren’t as important. That statement says it all….

I CANT DO THIS!!!!

I struggle - I'm struggling

Subjective DENIAL!!!! I don't know if I can handle breathing!

Done

So I'm done with today with people and all things of this life!!

Take 2 rx and maybe see tomorrow



Have iPhone - will travel

hello? Hello? HELLo?

So no one seems to be listening to me but they see only what they want to see or what I let them see. It seems WORDS are just another way to ignor what I WISH someone would notice. But it's just me!!!

I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT
WHAT I THINK I WANT - is insane
WHAT I NEED is help
WHAT I FEEL is hopeless

:(

why can't i be like everyone else....why do i have to feel sad?

God spoke to me in a cloud of thunder

I am a good girl...I do what i'm told to do
I'm a good girl becuase he said so
Good girls always do the right thing

How much is good enough?
It never ends.....it follows around me like a shadow - always there but sometimes seen
I hate taking a mundane breath every moment

This is who I am...if I'm not good therefore I must be bad
Life's grays do not matter to me lately

I'm the good girl who does as she's told to do
Whatever happened to happilly ever after

The sooner if or when people understand that, the sooner I'm done

You are the slime on the bottom of pond scum

a perfect world

i could CONTROL and JUSTIFY all CONSCIOUS behaviors but if i was just DISCIPLINE enough to avoid the CONSEQUESNCES of my actions.

Control

Justify

Conscious

Discipline

Consequences

hamster wheel of fun

I feel I’m on the never-ending hamster wheel not getting anywhere but exhausted on top of trying to eat my paw off because it feels better….the whole body swelling thing going on.....................not ever wanting to get out of bed but do it because that’s the human thing to do

I WANT OFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

:(

SO IS EVERY DAY A HAPPY DAY or is there just one hour that should be happy?

counting is fun!!! not insane!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wxHeWaXa_I

panDORA's Box

Fighting for control

So it seems I can tel people I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm in control of my issues. I seem to be very believable...I seem to be normal...I SEEM TO IN CONTOL

there is a 15% chance that I will do what I shouldn't do! And against all logic I choose that thought/idea because I think I can get away with it! The only one stoping me is me! I tell on myself - they call it accountability...I think of it as chickin out and not having the guts to really do something!

up live and in person

it's taken 8 years in the making but we finally got to "see" Jeff Gordon win a race -- it's about time the season tickets were worth the wait!

Meow -- MEOW i said!

Invasion of the body snatchers

So I'm really trying to "take every thought captive" BUT the thoughts are holding me hostage!!

wakeful behavior with amnesia

Give me a word
Give me a sign
Show me where to look
Tell what will I find ( will I find )
Lay me on the ground
Fly me in the sky
Show me where to look
Tell me what will I find ( will I find )

It is FINISHED!

I am done with today, march 11th. Maybe I won't have to face tomorrow! That's still questionable!

Brownies

Okay - ok so i'm not so pissed off -- chocolate does wonders

Attitude leans to bitter, bitter to anger, anger to rage

I'm PISSED that I woke up alone
I'm PISSED thinking I'd do something productive, but didn't
I'm PISSED I had to go to 4 QTs to find a black cherry smoother machine that was working
I'm PISSED that I went early to get things I wanted to do, but got side tracked by others
I'm PISSED for being blamed for the lights screwing up
I'm PISSED at working with the sound guy who I can't tell if he's high or just done too many drugs to function
I'm PISSED at my sponsor just because
I'm PISSED at my husband just because squared
I'm PISSED OFF AT GOD because LIFE SUCKS!

What does HOPE look like

On a dark and cloudy day................life smacks you in the FACE!!!

Space

A black hole sucking every bit of life each passing moment!

The shakes

OMG I'm shaking like I'm coming off drugs which isn't true. My arms are weak and dizzy. I know it's all about what I've ate today! Junk and weried combinations has my insides upside down. Sheet panic sets in that I've got to stop this kind of maddness.

iPhone strikes

Counting abc 123

One potato
Two potato
Three potato
Four potato
Five potato
Six potato
Seven potato


Or. MORE

Face to Face

Mirror, mirror on the wall......
A fact of reality....
Staring at the face looking back a hallow glare. Where did I go? Why am I so disappointment with me and that persons reflection. Suicidal tendancy alure. The trap and an escape from where to there!

One day at a time

6:25 crawl out of bed because I've woken up 3 times already. If I don't get up I won't get up!
6:30 feed dogs and let them outside
6:35 dress and brush hair (hmmm bad hair day - that sucks; nothing to do about it now!)
6:40 grab something for lunch but don't know what - chocolate
6:45 on 169 @ 21st
7:01 arrive in campus
7 to 4 all hell breaks loose
I maybe get a break and issolate in my car - unhealthy
Make/fix/take out dinner
Night consist of reruns I've have memorized
Maybe clean up the kitchen or wait when I feel like (burst of mania)
Luandry most likely needs to be folded from weekend wash (hmmm only in a burst of mania)
Protect cat from dogs
Surf web (good site & some werid or bizzar
Make bed
Turn lights of
Take meds
Lay in bed for a few hours until I wake up at 12:30, 2:22 & 5:00 only to start over

Hell consist of answering over 100 calls, talking to staff - I'm not the only one that should be on prosaz
Outside people questions, enrollment in to night classes
Throw in a few extra assignments
Then and always him! His royal pain in the ass sir Leo (at least today he didn't ask me to do something
Key with him 1) everything is asap (but he won't say; he just checks every 10 min to see if it's done
2) no matter how good whatever I do; he'll make 20 revisions and expect me to have read his mind

I DONT WANT TO EVEN HEAR HIS TALK TO ME!! WHY WOULD I WANT TO THINK THE WAY HE DOES - male ego attention and demanding ASSHOLE!

All from iPhone thoughts

Bloody paws

I know that extra high stress reverts me back to peeling/chewing my nails off until there is a hang nail. I've done so much better when I keep solar nails on! My fingers like it too!! Now they are just open sores. Not very attractive. I have been in meetings most of the day. So I seemed to love pain because that's what I did while listening. Pop the bottom of the cutical and the RIP the nail forward. Pain can be a good thing.

I'm thinking that I have a high tolance but the older I get I just want numbness. But that contridics that a huge part of my brain wants to feel physical pain for emotional pain.

Now I just want to sleep. Tired and looking for the weekend. I've sort if joked that I my not choose to want to live after this week. At times lately that has crept logic resurfaces. I think now it would better if I'd was in a car wreak because the a) I'd be off work & b) maybe get a new car. I love my car but I realize it's really on it's last prayer and nine lives. I've been in denial and didn't want to face that.

Then there is the very BIG ELEPHANT in the room that brent and me don't want to talk about. Money has some roots but there are so many topics like this that I could open a colorful zoo! I hate conflict. I hate justifing everything like I'm a child.

Boy this blog is all over with topics that I an passive agressive! Now I wonder where I get so internetlly angry. Punisment is around the corner!

I started this out into a BLOODY MESS!

(iPhone texting at it's best)

tired

tired, sad, tired, lonely, tired, mad, tired, hiding under the covers - but there is no sleep!

MY ROLL

Yahtzee is a popular dice game. The object of the game is to score the most points by rolling five dice to make certain combinations. The dice can be rolled up to three times in a turn to try to make one of the thirteen possible scoring combinations. A game of Yahtzee consists of thirteen rounds during which the player chooses which scoring combination is to be used in that round. Once a combination has been used in the game, it cannot be used again.

by definition...

A hammer is a tool meant to deliver an impact to an object. The most common uses are for driving nails, fitting parts, and breaking up objects. Hammers are often designed for a specific purpose, and vary widely in their shape and structure. Usual features are a handle and a head, with most of the weight in the head. The basic design is hand-operated, but there are also many mechanically operated models for heavier uses.

The hammer is a basic tool of many professions, and can also be used as a weapon. By analogy, the name hammer has also been used for devices that are designed to deliver blows, e.g. in the cap lock mechanism of firearms.

Can't leave a thought alone!

My arms ache
My eyes weep

My little crisis mode - can't blame hormones
Mothers are the blessed where leaves the rest of us?
Skating on a thin sheet of ice just waiting to fall through into the next warp of hell on this planet.
Nothing should surprise me but it does. Somethings I push through it other times it's a brick wall and ended up banging my head over and over again yelling WHY ME. why is God chosen me? Where is then? I don't want to hear his answers
because it's NOT FAIR. I'm a good person. I AM a good person. Just not good
ENOUGH!

Battered and brusied - more and more time to isolate from my people world
Enternal sleet

7 days 22 hour for 42 year of continous breathing for what?
WHAT FOR?

EIGHT DAYS...

Tic- toc

Tic toc the mouse went the clock
The clock stroke twelve
The mouse ran down
Hickory dickory doc

Parts of time stands still.
In the corners of a room.
In the shadows of the night.
THEY are there. Watching. Watching.
The good and the bad.
The bad seeks where the good heals and comforts.
But on earth there is no peace.
I just wonder making one mistake after another.
Why is this my destinay?
Am I so mentally lost?
How can I beleive there is any hope?

LIFE AS I SEE IS SO UNFAIR!
I hate living in it. Exspectations are perfectism.
Right from wrong.
Good vs evil/bad.
White vs back.

My life is seeing the pitch black and I want to SCREAM.
SLEEP is an enemy. It doesn't come soon enough and when it does, it forms into dreams I've seen before and don't want to dream anymore.

My white dream is so wrong but I don't know why.

Doxology

I grew up in a very traditional southern Baptist church outside of Washington, DC. All with the grandiose column pillars, hardwood pews and of course the stain glass windows. There were 4 cornerstones to my church dating back to the 1950s…when church planning started out in a one room brown building or so I was told every founder’s day. (do church’s still have a founder’s day?) I say this is “MY” church since I grew up and explored pretty much everything there was. I think if the little old ladies knew where all I’ve been there would have been some glares and “tisks”. My favorite place was the sanctuary. I could roam from the balcony to the baptismal. My parents were in other places within the church. They were always involved with something and so we were there when there weren’t people there. That was Tuesday nights. When my sister or brother could watch me…I went with mom & dad to print the church bulletin. This is of course before there was a “copier”…it was a BIG loud printing machine. I remember the smell of ink and the fluid to keep it from drying. Helping fold or stack…(boring) – so I’d use the escape of the bathroom or drink of water to go and venture out into a HUGE building by myself.

I would get lost in time…I loved to sing hymns…at the piano (plucking out the notes), at the pulpit (just like the minister) or in the back pew to see if I could sing loud enough…..it was an experience…hymns always fascinated me because how could people of the past understand the future? Rock of Ages…what is an Ebenezer….it’s hard to pick a favorite but I did have 2…This is my Father’s World and the Doxology. The later for the sheer simplistic of harmony. It sounds so churchy. The tune was actually older then the words.

1541 – the hundredth (tune) – 1673 Thomas Ken wrote the words…but only the last four lines are widely known…this a morning song.

I’m quite a bit older then that girl from the 70s and tonight for some reason, I had this on my mind. I’m 41 and 350 days old. And I have a different look…why do I return to the past? I'm not so sure how to believe in words or have faith in the past...maybe it's my expectations of who God is...

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Blessings? Some but not all – do we deserve all, is it a right to expect?
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Creatures – that’s what I sometimes feel like – a bug, ant, spider – everything else is BIGGER than me
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
So there are angels? Who determines if you are good enough to be an angel in the heavenly choir?
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Praise - to commend the worth of; express approval or admiration of; a praising or being praised; commendation or glorification

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Awake, my soul, and with the sun; Thy daily stage of duty run;
Shake off dull sloth, and joyful rise, To pay thy morning sacrifice.

Thy precious time misspent, redeem, Each present day thy last esteem,
Improve thy talent with due care; For the great day thyself prepare.

By influence of the Light divine; Let thy own light to others shine.
Reflect all Heaven’s propitious ways; In ardent love, and cheerful praise.

In conversation be sincere; Keep conscience as the noontide clear;
Think how all seeing God thy ways; And all thy secret thoughts surveys.

Wake, and lift up thyself, my heart, And with the angels bear thy part,
Who all night long unwearied sing; High praise to the eternal King.

All praise to Thee, who safe has kept; And hast refreshed me while I slept
Grant, Lord, when I from death shall wake; I may of endless light partake.

Heav’n is, dear Lord, where’er Thou art, O never then from me depart;
For to my soul ’tis hell to be; But for one moment void of Thee.

Lord, I my vows to Thee renew; Disperse my sins as morning dew.
Guard my first springs of thought and will, And with Thyself my spirit fill.

Direct, control, suggest, this day, All I design, or do, or say,
That all my powers, with all their might, In Thy sole glory may unite.

I would not wake nor rise again; And Heaven itself I would disdain,
Wert Thou not there to be enjoyed, And I in hymns to be employed.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Self-INflected twisted

oh my god - if there is a god

PRAYING - ok haven't done this in such a while but then this is more of a desperate pleadeee because there isn't anything worse then having to listen to my husband screem at the tv, at bob stoops, at the offensive line, the refees....HE'S NOT HAPPY then no one is happy. Just trying really hard to keep the dogs away from him. Things are just not PRETTY and doesn't seem like its going to happen.

Ode to Anxiety

I myself am my own worse enemy...no one can escape her own mind. Nothing has more power than thoughts. Random or not. Processing the ilogic seems more insane. Where I'd go to defend a friend why will I NOT go to defend myself. Why am I not worthy enough! Why do I feel it's ok to be defeated by my very own mind. I am an empty shell why do people care?

tummy tum tum

ok know this is a gross subject but i'm bored watching my husband play his play station war game (half time for tx & osu) but i'm thinking what's so wrong with me that i can't even keep dinner down....it's like a snowball full of anxiety all rolling down (up) hill. there is the other side effect of having gastric bypass -- i still have both parts of my stomach which means -- when i do get nauseated enough to regurgitate then i get the added juices that weren't meant for the upper gi area -- YUMMY!

if i have to be real, this wouldn't be the first night and i started to think it's been going on a while (you'd think i would have lost weight as many times during a week it happens -- no such luck) and it doesn't always happen to the same meal...i can do it at anytime -- stress from the day but then again there was a lot of stress during the holidays. while i like to say it was a vacation this year, i'd be lying (hence the previous blog entrees)

and there is my car -- MY CAR -- MY POOR, POOR, CAR! i know i should bury it soon but i just can't after giving somewhat a new overhaul this fall -- now it needs a ignition switch....it has needed one since 12/14 and my car guy is just able to get to it -- funny thing happened on the way home to my house -- just kidding

Steve brought/sent Greg who is the expert with electrical stuff -- steve makes the brakes, steering and suspensions, tranies --- greg was a little over eaggered and thought it would be a synch to hot wire my car and by pass the switch --- WRONG -- good to know that even my ford escort gt (1993) has a theft protection switch...go figure

so all in all -- i'm still TRAPPED in this house, in front of a HUGE screen tv with either football, reruns, or CALL OF DUTY war games and this laptop -- MY ESCAPE.....hmmmm an escape plan (of course there is one -- it's what's paying to have my car overhauled -- guess i have to skimp some more before i can put plan A, B, C or D in place)

THE CLOCKS PIMP UP

The is a clock on the hallway as you come - 12:12am
Directly across the frount wall. 12:58am
Flankin to the right conner 1:27
Iphone jammin'. - 1:03

Nightstand towards the bathroom - 1:28Am

LAST CLOCK CEILING 1:08 AM

Iphone ramdlings

THE CLOCK of ALL rooms - my BEDROO

EMbrace the WHAT IFs

Human beings cannot handle too much reality. (me the reality-tv junkie) More like “this is my reality” I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE MY REALITY – that’s where DENIAL fills in the empty spots – my counselor said it more of sticking your head in the sand – but what’s semantics, right?

Reality: do we need to honor it, really? What's so great about it? But if you don't like the truth, should you still honor it? Wouldn't you be better off denying your truth? If you are a superstar with a zillion dollars in the bank and speaking your name out loud alone will make the crowd wild with enthusiasm, sure, honoring your truth is a lot easier. But if you are an average person with an average face, a short frame, an okay-job, and an okay-life, whose only talent seems to be sitting in front of the computer for a prolonged period of time, honoring your truth is not that easy.

I hear that little voice in the background when I’m trying to sleep..............

"What are you looking for?"

"You think there is something better waiting for you out there, but what if there isn't?"

"What if this is as good as it gets?"

"You have a good job. Embrace your life. Embrace your reality!"

"So, this is it? Another ten years of doing the same thing without looking for something else? This is all that my life is supposed to be?"

At this point, (I'M NUTZ HEARING VOICES) I was starting to feel panic rising up in my throat.

What if this is really it? Maybe I should just accept it. Maybe I know in my heart, there is nothing better out there. Maybe I should not search for something better because this is my life and I should accept it and embrace with open arms. But I just could not shake the feeling that if I don't try to find out if there is something else out there for me, I'd live to regret it.

Do you ever wonder if "this is as good as it gets"?
What do you do when you feel restless about life and/or work?

KILLER SHOES!
KICK SOME REALITY BUTT!
(OKAY - that made me feel a little bit better)