"Feeling healthy and being healthy may be two different things"

mentally? physically? what is the norm for being healthy? Is it mind over matter or are we what we feel we are? I struggle thinking about this a lot. On one hand, I'm more healthier today physcially then I was a year ago...having gastric bypass and lose a lot of weight has decrease a lot of acks and pains from the stress of the weight. (mind you I'm not an exerise freak yet and probably not going to happen!) For the first time in my life I was able to lose the weight I wanted to and still feel full. That's the part of dieting that kills you...and then you don't loose that much...how I'm so glad I'm off that yo-yo dieting. Ok...it's not like I have free rein to eat anything I want either...I have limitations on the quanity so I go for quality when I'm choosing to eat. And I guess I'd have to admit that I was a binging person before and sometimes now...but the difference is there are consequences now! Then there's the second part of being healthy -- mentally...how can you define this while taking anti depressants and anti pyschotic drugs. My mind is there...it's just where it tends to wonder isn't very healthy. I can recognize that to a point but actually changing that process is a lot harder to do. Maybe that's why I blogg. I thinking I really don't care who all reads what my thoughts are going through...it's the process of change. As orginal as I think I am...I realize that I'm not unique. Everyone deals with similar problems and cope just fine. Cope -- hmm I like the saying "I've had it up to here" (with my hand rasied above my head)...Cope...can I just make it through another day!

I can’t…He can…I’m gonna let Him!

The first three step of Celebrate Recovery...I've already done 4 & 5 working on six but still struggling with 3...Intellectually I know I can't do it myself...I can't rely on my emotions...I also know he can...but there's the BUT!!! I have to be willing to turn everything over to God. Makes me think a lot about the story in John 19:16-30. The rich young man. He did everything according to the jewish law...but Christ asked him to give up all his riches. Am I hanging on to my "riches" (mind you that isn't just money for me! ha) Why can't I see that God is big enough to handle my affairs...I know there is a plan for me...or a piece of the puzzle where I'm to fit into in this life. But I think (there's that but again) I'm change colors or change shape where I don't fit anymore where I am...I'm not who everyone thinks I am...I think that's my fault! In a few weeks I'm going to take a journey...it's already begun the day I committed to it. In more way then one it is an escape from my reality and I'm hoping a time where I can truly settle everything I'm struggling about God. I worry the what if's...what if it doesn't work...what if my husband is mad...what if my mom is disappointed...what if my parents way of raising me doesn't yeild into the goal "to raise an independent, fully functioning, adult woman who loves Christ with all her heart, soul, and mind."

It was by faith...

As I was wallowing in hopelessness this weekend...I was reminded that it was by faith the men of the old testiment lived. Do I have the faith...if I'm honest I have to have some or life wouldn't be worth all this trouble. Something inside is still fighting to continue on even though I don't see any changes. Can I trust that God will come through for me even when the struggles seems to go on forever? Is that still being selfish? I asked a friend if I'm losing "that something". His response was "that something" has a name: Jesus. hmmm what does that mean? I know the intellect point of view of course but how do I take that to heart. Am I just looking for a feeling or am I searching for that presence of peace & comfort? I have a lot of whys and a lot of buts to justify some of my actions, thought process & false beliefs. What are the roots to these strongholds? Is it something in my past or am I projecting things into the future? I think the polictical correct answers is to have faith and trust in God, the son, and the work of the holy spirit...but can I really do that with a sincere heart--that's probably the $64000 question!

Can you feel it?

How does it feel? empty, lonely but crowded, sad but breathing, crushed, insignificant....why does it feel like that...I'm just tired...tired of no changes...tired of time going so slow...when will this feeling end?

Paranoid

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you
Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

I don't know if it's paranoia or if it's actually true...but do you ever feel the hairs on the back of your neck just standing there. I don't know what's making me so jumpy. But I keep thinking of this song...and looking over my shoulder!

Time keeps on ticking, ticking...into the future....

9:20 am and 30 seconds -- 9:20 am and 35 seconds -- 9:20 and 50 seconds...TIME! WHEN WILL THIS DAY END!

Attempt at Humor...

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

As much as I hate to admitt that I'm whiny...I am! I can't seem to help myself and falling back into the destructive habits that got me where I am today! Stressed...my hands are cool, my head is hot and I just don't care to be around many people. I'm supposed to start looking for the little successes from each day. Hmmm I at least got up and went to work on time! Lets see...I didn't kill one today...hmmm just one day at a time, one moment, can this day go any slower...told you I'm a whiner!

Romanticist....in more ways then one

You scored as Romanticist.

Romanticism encourages society to look backwards to find our solutions. Your rationale is that things were much better a few hundred years ago so we should thus look back to those times and replace them in our modern society. You believe in a simple life and that the complexities of the modern world have turned it upside down.

Romanticist 63%
Fundamentalist 63%
Cultural Creative 63%
Postmodernist 44%
Materialist 38%
Existentialist 38%
Idealist 38%
Modernist 25%

Quiz

Father & Daughter...and clothes

I just read an interesting blog that talked about this very issue. I was thinking the whole time through what my dad would say and do. It happens that I think he'd have a lot of the same philosphy as this blogger. I don't remember if he had too much of a problem with what I wore just about when I wore it. Comfortable verses Formal. I was one who hated wearing dresses -- especailly since my mom made my clothes and you know they were not top fashion...nice but not store bought (that's before the wal-mart years)...so I'd to wear a dress on Sundays but I assure you I wore my sneakers every chance I could when dad was looking! ha I didn't have a problem with it either....comfortable was my moto! I now look back on those wonderful pictures of the 70's & 80's and can't believe I wore what I did...way to shorts and the hair....have to blame that on peer presure I guess! ha Have I learned anything...yes...don't wear a mini shirt while traveling alone in case the car breaks down and you have to walk to the nearest gas station on the highway!

What if it's true?

What if it's true there is no God? What if it's true we are not alone in this galaxy? What if it's true this is all that life is supposed to be? What if it's true the grass is greener on the other side? What if it's true there is going to be WW3? What if it's true the scientists were right and everything was created in a big bang? What if the truth I've learn all my life is false? How many of these questions are false beliefs and strongholds? Don't some things we think relate back to one of these?

What Direction are you Walking?

Well, if you're anything like me...I hate to just walk for walking. I'd rather have a purpose then to just be walking. Most days at my job I'm walking around and around in circles...our campus is hugh and it's just easier to get to point A to point B if you change the scenery. So I'd say I walk enough at work to cover that exercise thingy everyone always harps on. But what direction am I walking emotionally, spiritually? I think it would be the same answer...around and around in circles. Stuggling each day with false beliefs and destructive thoughts...there's got to be an end to all this sometime...only to wake up the next day and start all over. When will I break this cycle? Why isn't there a simple anwser? I simple wish...That I may hit a GROWTH SPURT that takes me to a new level of following God and wanting to feel new life bubbling to the surface...that's the walk I'd like to travel but is the path behind me or in front? I think I'm lost!

Speaking...frankly my dear...

Honesty, integrity...family! When I'm reflecting about the week what I've said and what I've done sometimes isn't so pleasant. I know I should react differently then how I have. But what makes that change or switch? Can it be reprogramed. I've had the opprotunity to go over my life with my sponsor and there I saw specific patterns and what the root basis for some of my false beliefs. In a way it was a peaceful experience but not earth shaking. Now that it's day three, I'm sliding back into those destructive thought patterns. I know I'm not supposed to expect overnight mircles but I do wish sometime it would be faster!