Is it Friday YET?

I know...it's only Monday but I could sure thinking about it being Friday. Acutally, I had a decent weekend. I played EMT on Friday and got to drive the big truck (frieghtliner). Now the other ambulances are easier to drive...ha Sunday I stayed home with my husband and watch a marathon of TV...it was nice to veggie without feeling restless.

Is the sun even up?

Ugh! Woke up at 4 am this morning and just can't seem to go back to sleep. Thought about taking my sleeping pill but then I didn't want to be tired at work! I have my second job tonight too and it's until midnight. Hopefully that will make me sleep longer for tomorrow morning! How much I really hate being up before the sun rises...it's just not right! (not a morning person if you couldn't tell!) Thought I'd do breakfast but do I want eggs....rumiging through the frig I find left over blackberry cobbler...hmmmm that sounds pretty good! ha That's what I need...a ton of sugar to get my day started off right. Will this be a good day? I'm hoping so...

Anxiety versus Panic....

Which is which....does anxiety produce panic or panic produce anxiety? So here's a logical thought...worry produces stress which leads to anxiety when left alone causes a panic reaction...So therefore add in the black & white proccessing and you have complete illrational thoughts going through your mind at a 100 miles a minute (well, maybe not that fast, but I think you get the point!)

My boss threw another curve ball and said that he's a "macro" manager and when he says he wants his files done...he doesn't care how I do it as long as I have rational and it's organized. Ok...I've been over "mirco" managed that my brain isn't as trusting as my boss thinks I can do besides it's a lot hard to just "easy on" by with work when you have an actual say in the work. How can there be no right or wrong way to do files? That's hard for me to judge on how I'm doing. I am so used to having to "find" what is expected and then do it that way. As my pulse races and my breathing is shallow, I'm now wondering if the last 4 hours of work was profitable, did I do it right...what will he say tomorrow, will he even notice? Creating the anxiety -- can I break the cycle?

Everything is Red...

Red tape, red paper, red pen, red ink...oh how much I don't like red right now! Why...it's back to the black and white issues....red just adds color to a black and white picture...it's messy, it's disorganized, it's upsetting, it's alarming, it's anxiety...I even have red toe nails...I'm thinking of taking that off...I just don't want to see red for a while...is that possible in the world? Can I just boycott a color when most of my closet right now is every shade of red, pink, purple...

Afraid of Fear...the unknown

Well, its another typical Sunday and I'm in the veggitated mode...just making it through today and trying not to worry about tomorrow. My anxiety is high but I'm not around anyone to cause it. I'm living in the aftermath of the pass week...how can I just let it go and not dwell. The tension in my neck, shoulders and even jaw are so tight -- if only I could relax. I'm afraid of fear or fear is the controler...I'm afraid of being out of control...constent reminding myself to "talk my way through" the problem/situtation. I'm afraid of turning to God...afraid of punsihment. I do a good job at punishing myself.

Driving the "TRUCK" has been a stress relief. Some would think it would cause more stress...but it's actually pretty fun. I just imagine I'm driving a limo and the comfort of my riders is top priority. Seems to be working well with my partners. But mostly I have to give the credit to my dad for teaching me how to drive in the first place. I think he'd be proud to know I'm driving an ambulance around Oklahoma. It's still a new adventure for me.

I feel....

I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and just singing "la, la, la, la, la" to drown all the noise I'm hearing or thinking. My thoughts are in control...houston we do have a problem!

Now the sane side of me want's to stay in control and not let the other side out....that would be a bad thing! Do I feel sane? Am I in control? Can't I just say I'm being taken over by aliens? That I'm not who I am because of them....ahhhh blame shifting is surfacing....so therefore, am I playing the part of a victum? 911 can't help this situation.

thinking "PINK"

Not that pink was ever a color in my closet growing up…actually very far from that…but as I get older…the “pink” is coming out in me. Is because it makes me feel like a female? I’m I turning into a girly-girl with fluffy pink slippers…hopefully not (but if I admit that, would it be so wrong?) Is “pink” in the gray shadows I’m just starting to realize? Not to repeat myself over and over but I was glad I wore my fuzzy “pink” sweater today…I needed more then anything to feel pink!

Fear is unlocking all the doors that have something out there

Who ever said to open the first door and live in the end or what about the last door? Is there ever a last door or does it go on for eternity?

Fear is the emotional outburst of unbelief..

The Lord is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hind's feet, and will make me to walk (not stand still in terror, but to walk) and makes spiritual progress upon my high places of "trouble, suffering, or responsibility". Habakkuk 3:19

What is my most common day fears? What am I afraid of when I wake up in morning? Fears of rejection, failure, insecurities, financial....life stresses and can I really handle them without losing myself in disappointment.

What is my worse case fear? -- That I'd be left alone, abandon, a failure, and no one would or could love me!

I think I sometimes believe in the worse case fear as if it's already happen. It makes me think I'm so selfish or so I feel that I should be giving to others before expecting things for myself...like waiting in line for your turn. One day it will be my turn?

Diversity….you mean there is others besides me out there?

Ok…work made all the employee’s take this “Work Diversity” online presentation. It was pretty lame but then again there were a few things I just have to comment on…(not me!)

You ended up picking different thought process and then be categorized so that you can see how you relate to others at work. Then they give suggestions for personal growth. Not to mention I’m dominate in one and sub dominant in the exact opposite of the dominant. Go Figure! So that leads me into the personal growth list. These are the things I should do more of:

Sometimes look for the easiest way to accomplish a task
Stop being so hard on yourself
Smile more
Be less fault-finding with ideas of others
Actually enjoy a compliment given to you by a respected associate
Refuse to get depressed over a mistake
Overload on fun
Stop feeding a persecution complex
Check to see if your standards are unrealistic
Really forgive someone who has messed up
See the bigger picture
Take more risks
Concentrate more on people and less on details

If anyone who knows me this list fits me pretty much. I’m sure my counselor and sponsor are just “tickled” by this revelation.


Over reaction..

“Some say that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react”

"So, If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall." 1 Corinthians 10:12

A Couple of Things I hate about my LIFE!

“Life doesn't suck as much as I just hate my life!” is a statement I made a few days ago. What is the distinction you might ask? Well, in light of all the devastation in the Gulf Coast I can at least say my life doesn’t suck. I have nice house, 2 cars, 2 good jobs, healthcare, a dog and a cat. (Husband if he counts!) So on the outside…my life does not suck. It goes back to the black and white thinking…it’s either all or nothing…therefore, I just hate parts of my life which leads me to categorized it as I hate my life from the internal aspects.

It’s hard to put the finger on exactly what I hate about my life…but it’s my life! I know I have stresses at work that I don’t like but it’s not like I hate coming to work…I rather work then stay at home. When at work, it’s not like the work is difficult…maybe not as challenging but there are some perks and if I have to admit, there is some fun involved during the 8 hours each day. At home, there’s nothing that really jumps out except cleaning that I really hate but I do it anyways because it needs to be done. So why do I hate my life. I think I hate the routine. There’s no spontaneity or good rewards…I know, I’m part of the generation that expects rewards for doing something that is expected. Where’s my trophy for cleaning kitchen or doing the tons of laundry? I think I’d give my husband a reward if he did that? (I’d also have to pick myself off the floor first! Ha)

Maybe that’s what it is that I hate about my life…I hate the fact that I am an average middle aged woman that doesn’t seem to have the life I thought I’d have when I was old. So does that make me old yet? Am I trying to achieve some ultimate goal that is untamable? Spontaneity is not in my compulsive organized thought process. I’m a planner and then an executor! If you do A and B you’ll get C. But I don’t always get C…That I hate! Is hate an emotion or is it the fuel to anger? Is taking risks spontaneity or poor planning? Then is hate more internal then external or is it to fight for control?

In my own little world, I’m center stage, concentrated attention…in reality; I’m just a small part that makes up a huge story! I feel lost and I hate feeling lost and I hate feeling of being alone in a crowd of people.

Insanity

The act of doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome....

It's only Tuesday and I'm already insane! Can I bang my head on a brick wall and blame someone else for the headache!

The incoherent babbling patient....

Pain pills are a good thing when you are in pain. They also have a great side effect of leaving you totally incoherent! I've enjoyed the blissful covers tuck all around me for the last 24 hours or so in my warm pj's, I veggied and druelled! What made this weekend so hard....long week at work to begin with and then I had two caring friends hand me their babies to hold for a minute or two. How soft their skin was. How tiny their fingers and toes....ahhh the baby fat around their knees...all smelling like a baby (sometimes good and sometimes bad)...How much holding a baby makes that interenal feelings resurface into the emotional roller coaster. How can and 8 lb baby turn this 200 lb woman into a basket full of tears. What have I done that was soooo wrong?

one by one it all fades away....

the tragic story that no one will remember since it not their story to begin with the day in glorious fashions of sheets...

Social Butterfly?

How is wanting to be around people but not socializing normal? Realistically, it's not totally possible but I very good at it! Today I just really don't want to talk.