A Couple of Things I hate about my LIFE!

“Life doesn't suck as much as I just hate my life!” is a statement I made a few days ago. What is the distinction you might ask? Well, in light of all the devastation in the Gulf Coast I can at least say my life doesn’t suck. I have nice house, 2 cars, 2 good jobs, healthcare, a dog and a cat. (Husband if he counts!) So on the outside…my life does not suck. It goes back to the black and white thinking…it’s either all or nothing…therefore, I just hate parts of my life which leads me to categorized it as I hate my life from the internal aspects.

It’s hard to put the finger on exactly what I hate about my life…but it’s my life! I know I have stresses at work that I don’t like but it’s not like I hate coming to work…I rather work then stay at home. When at work, it’s not like the work is difficult…maybe not as challenging but there are some perks and if I have to admit, there is some fun involved during the 8 hours each day. At home, there’s nothing that really jumps out except cleaning that I really hate but I do it anyways because it needs to be done. So why do I hate my life. I think I hate the routine. There’s no spontaneity or good rewards…I know, I’m part of the generation that expects rewards for doing something that is expected. Where’s my trophy for cleaning kitchen or doing the tons of laundry? I think I’d give my husband a reward if he did that? (I’d also have to pick myself off the floor first! Ha)

Maybe that’s what it is that I hate about my life…I hate the fact that I am an average middle aged woman that doesn’t seem to have the life I thought I’d have when I was old. So does that make me old yet? Am I trying to achieve some ultimate goal that is untamable? Spontaneity is not in my compulsive organized thought process. I’m a planner and then an executor! If you do A and B you’ll get C. But I don’t always get C…That I hate! Is hate an emotion or is it the fuel to anger? Is taking risks spontaneity or poor planning? Then is hate more internal then external or is it to fight for control?

In my own little world, I’m center stage, concentrated attention…in reality; I’m just a small part that makes up a huge story! I feel lost and I hate feeling lost and I hate feeling of being alone in a crowd of people.