Haunting Places

As we flip around the channels we come across a british station on their famous hauntings...but you know it was more hype with no real facts or proof...all subjective. Do I believe in hauntings? I don't think there are ghosts so to say but I wonder about lingering souls. Is that part of thier hell if they didn't make it to heaven? I know from what I read in the bibile, there is a spiritual warfare going on around us we just can't see it. So yes, if I believe in angels then I believe in demons...

Depression: Is that a battlefield and I'm just one of the players? How many angels are on myside...even when I'm so ready to give up. There have been soo many times when I just wanted not be around or exisit...how do you not exist...can that be a choice each day to live or just get through the day. The gray areas are so blah...I still like the black or white maybe that's part of my problem. I don't see what's so wrong about it. I realize it's part of my perception that makes it wrong. What I first believe isn't always the real reality.

Medication: medical or mental -- does one help the other or hinder? Since I've been more supervised over taking my meds correctly...I guess they have helped. At least I can say there are good moments in each day as opposed to the day just sucked!

So that brings me back to my title...hauntings. I think I am haunted by what I thought I was, what I think I should be, and where I'm at now. No matter how many pills or counseling I do will ever fill the emptyness. Is that my reality?

limbo

Have you ever felt like you are suspended in time...on hold...where it's niether good or bad but it's just there? There feels like no purpose or point to the moment. It doesn't matter if you are happy or sad. So I'm challenged is that ok...can that be a place I can live in? Accept it a normal reality. My heart yerns for more to that but my mind is so tired of trying to fufill and achieve that goal. I struggle with the notion of getting up and doing something each day. And as time goes by I wonder if it time for bed so that I can sleep and not think. Then that puts me into limbo...how flexable and bendable can I be and still function in this socitey.

Anywhere, Everywhere..

As I type on my new laptop...I'm free to go anywhere in the house. Wow!!! but that's just the beginning of the saga. The holidays with friends and family well more his family...but that's ok...things are really going pretty well considering where I was a week ago. That's been in my thoughts all week. There are worse places I could be. That were I could be if I'm not careful.

Been down this road before....

you'd think I would know which way to turn!! Counting isn't an option anymore but the desire is there -- just would be a little harder to do in secret. Hitting isn't an option but the release of pressure would be a welcomed sigh of relief. Thoughts of "zoning out" are part of the scenery but because it's the escape I can only do but it's a fantasy -- not real. Do I want it to be real is the question I keep pondering and what are the consequences for those actions that would make it real. So the other question is what are my "real" options?

Thought of the Day

ABANDON:
noun: the trait of lacking restraint or control; freedom from inhibition or worry
noun: a feeling of extreme emotional intensity
verb: give up with the intent of never claiming again
verb: forsake, leave behind
verb: stop maintaining or insisting on; of ideas, claims, etc.
verb: leave someone who needs or counts on you; leave in the lurch

All alone in an sterile environment when you reachout to the outside world...no one is there when you really need them to be. Is that the lesson in life I'm suppose to learn? Maybe its more along the lines of priorities...I think it's all about me while others around me have their own lives with their own struggles to deal with too and just maybe they are too tired of me wanting their attention. A bigger world out there then here with my keyboard.

There's no place like home....

I just spent the worse 24 hours of my life in a place I should never been. How completely alone and isolated from every aspect of what was my life. All I could like of was what if I lost it all and this is what is left? How I prayed that I could just go home that someone would realize this was a big mistake...

Because it's the right thing to do...

it's what is expected...it is normal...I don't feel normal...instead I feel very much on the edge leading one direction or the other. Crying seems to help release the tension but it's so slow. I just want to sleep. Why can't I sleep? What's the magic combination to turn the brain off! I haven't found that on my quests! I think I'll cry some more.

A hop, skip, & a jump!

I would generally say "today sucked" but you know it didn't start out that way...I got up early and got ready and actually felt like wearing color besides black...big improvement! Got to work...boss was ready to head out the door and everything was together going smoothly...got some work done...accomplishment...started on the back burner files....ugh -- cosmo timesheets. I hate doing them. I ALWAYS find errors...this wasn't the exception today. The instructor makes it seem like it's my fault her numbers don't match....it's a game of tennis back and forth....my head just hurts...then the phone calls...when did I become so popular today? Why does everyone want something from me!! It's 7:30 and I feel like I'm reliving this day over and over again. When will this merry-go-round ride end? but the thought is there's another day waiting tomorrow...and I'm afraid to face it! I just want to sleep and turn my brain off for the night.

Water.....

ok...walk up to the edge...one foot in -- instant shock that makes you hold your breath, Next foot in...letting a little time pass as your body adjusted to the water tempeture. The decision of the mind...do it slowing or all at once...I like torture...I pick slowly. Taking baby steps deeper into the calm waters -- very little movement as I desend. Can't feel my feet...but am reminded of the tempeture at the surface. Submerged except my head is above the waters. Deep breaths of air are required...

Even bubble baths now have a downside. As long as I keep it hot...hypethermia as a pose to hypothermia....

Lost...

adjective: perplexed by many conflicting situations or statements; filled with bewilderment

Confused, scared, worried....

Frantic [marked by uncontrolled excitement or emotion] efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment [withdrawing support or help despite allegiance or responsibility]

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization[defense mechanism that splits something you are ambivalent about into two representations--one good and one bad] and devaluation [the reduction of something's value or worth]

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self,

Impulsivity [proceeding from natural feeling or impulse without external stimulus] in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior,
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphasia, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days),

Chronic [being long-lasting and recurrent or characterized by long suffering] feelings of emptiness [lacking reality, substance, meaning, or value]

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights),

Transient [one who stays for only a short time], stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative [a state in which some integrated part of a person's life becomes separated from the rest of the personality and functions independently] symptoms.

Overboard....

An overdose occurs when a chemical substance (i.e. drug) is ingested in quantities and/or concentrations large enough to overwhelm the homeostasis of a living organism, causing severe illness or death. Essentially it is a type of poisoning.

I used to think it was ok to take extra tylenol or two...extra shot of Nightquil...but that isn't where my story starts. One year ago I was given the choice to seek professional psychritatic help with my depression. The thought was there must be a chemical imbalance. Did I buy into it? I did it because I was told to and it would make me think and feel better. I also continue therapy. I guess its been about 2 months ago that I've not taken my meds at the right times or even at all. Didn't notice a difference. Then it lead to counting what pills I had and how many mg there was in the house. I like numbers, I like stats. Not that I would ever use this information I thought - I'm a smart educated person. But I lost control. It was like an experiment to see how far I could push the envelope. I thought I was in control and could control the situation. I even boast about doing something very wrong thinking I really didn't do anything lethal wrong. How far was too far -- I didn't know anymore. I don't know how to stop these thoughts from process to actions. I obsess and I can't release control til I've figured out a plot finish! I'm powerless and can't seem to find any comfort in a greater power.

Crossing the line and not realizing it?

When did it happen? I thought I was in control the whole time. I knew what I was doing was stupid, wrong...but I did it anyways...now I have to face up to it and I'm scared.

Vetable City here I come....

get me ready to be alseep as soon as the pills kick in. I'm done with making one more moment for the night.