Manic Friday

You know it’s one of those days where it doesn’t matter that it is Friday. You look forward to this day coming for the last 4 days….and now it’s here and it’s not all that it is cracked up to be.

don't it make my brown eyes blue

"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not." For she kept saying, If I only touch His garments, I shall be restored..." (Song of Songs 3:1 KJV, Mark 5:28 Amp)

"If only I could touch his garments..."

What was it like for the woman to touch the garments of Christ…her faith in who Jesus was, her belief that he is who he said he was, and the trust that she had when all hope from the doctors was exhausted? The fact that in a crowd, Jesus knew he was touch in the slightest contact …Can that miracle happen today…where is this “garment” to reach out and touch…would anyone notice?

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to
Christ.” 2COR 10:5

“take captive every thought”…It seems that the thoughts have taken me captive. I know it’s the feelings that are there that are driven by the thoughts. I live in the moment on feelings. Outbursts of tears and uncontrollable crying seem an every day occurrence.

"emotional tears" are psychologically caused…The protein concentration of emotional tears was 24% greater than irritant tears. The complex proteins in emotional tears were those involved in the human stress response…tears performed a sort of physical catharsis, expelling toxins from the body.

I used to have the optimism of there is a big world out there and how I can play a part in it…but today I’m afraid of the next moment, afraid of tomorrows to come, dreading what is to come. I would rather stay inside, safe, secured. When I do adventure out, I cry. I feel I am falling out of control, am I loosing my mind? Where do I stand – emotionally drained. I do life out of duty.

"Only those who are fit to live do not fear to die. And none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. Both life and death are parts of the same great adventure." Theodore Roosevelt

The World Wide Web

You are on a journey and in the process of becoming; never a finished product. The gift is to accept and like yourself wherever you are in your journey - and know you can change! NReno

Interesting googling the other day turns into a unique find. How many times do people surf the internet not really know the directions they are going. It’s a big world out there for everyone to explore. So I end up on this website. I question how I ended there but I found some a lot of things to relate to. Nancy Reno sounds like a fascinating person. First impression of this is, it’s one of “those” sites – I mean the ones that aren’t good...another one of those things that the evil uses to get into your mind…until I started reading the pages within her site. Hypnosis – does it work? Is it mess with something you don’t want to do or should do? Interesting is the fact everything I read including other sites, hypnosis is in your control not the hypnotist. I guess I’ve only seen what’s been portrayed in the movies, tv, general media. But aren’t we all hypnotized by commercials, media ads, and that must have thing that is the latest crazes? So what’s the big deal?

WE ARE WHAT WE THINK

Distructive Thought Patterns:

1. Assuming the Worst
2. Unreasonable Demands
3. Fairy Tale Fantasies
4. All or Nothing Impossible Standards
5. Over-generalizing
6. Absolute Labeling
7. Making Feeling Fact
8. Catastrophizing
9. Personalizing
10. Blaming
11. Dwelling on the Negative
12. Rejecting Positives
13. Unfavorable Comparisons

Hypnosis…First of all, is it really safe and is it too much “Out there" (not biblical sound). I guess I don't know what I'm searching...I know not to do the tarot cards, psychic, mediums

I just thought if I was hypnotized then I might be able to change the false beliefs, bad attitude, and the whole faith/God thing. Am I asking too much?

Hypnosis is a relaxation technique and is useful for reducing anxiety. Hasn't proven too effective for "taking every thought captive."
B. McElroy

Noah's Ark Everything I need to know

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float awhile.
10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Sugar, Honey, Ice tea

Well, that's just the polite way of cussing...learned it from "proper” church lady who I don’t think could ever cuss. But that was the phase she always said when she was angry at something. I guess I can say I’m not as proper but I tried not to cuss so much. I get teased at by my co-workers when I say it…it’s at least a good habit. Now I’ve typed that, I not an angel so there are those times…when in fact I do slip. That used not be the case. I used to do it all the time in school. I think of it as my own way of rebelling because my parents didn’t hear me. I can remember my first cuss word was probably not until 3rd grade. That’s about the time when all the kids talked to each other…you know when you got your information about drugs, sex, and cuss words meanings because the rule was…if you didn’t know what it meant then you couldn’t use it….like that applies now…I guess I was kind of naive then and probably some now…I’m pretty sure my mom knew I cussed at school but I remember only once doing it at home…that was enough soap for me to leave it at school only!!

Now that I’ve digressed from my original intent for this blog…I really just wanted to cuss at the top of my lungs. Why? What else? Money…just a mention to my husband about taking money out of the atm and he goes on a tantrum…it’s not that big of a deal…I just know I have some payments out there that haven’t cleared and I’m almost at my buffer – the amount I like to keep at so that there isn’t an “oh sh@t”. Of course if only I could win the lottery…but then that’s another blog. For now, it’s waiting until next week (by Wednesday night)...he gets paid, I get paid plus I get my bonus. I’m sorry I even brought it up. Now he’s pouting in the bedroom and I don’t want to be in there. STRESS

What I really need to do is file for my medical reimbursement…that’s a lot just there. I just haven’t gotten around to faxing that information. I have it compiled up until the beginning of June. I guess I’ll do that tomorrow and I still have to check with my cpa…he said I should of gotten about $400 more from the IRS for last year.

What I really need to do is call my sponsor and stop thinking about the worst case scenarios!!

ps – I can’t forget dealing with Leo for the rest of the week (life or so it seems!)

Dreaming

I had a dream...all is calm...it's twilight with a full moon…I’m outside but it not hot or cold…it’s just there. I feel the small steady drops of rain. soothing…refreshing. I’m in a white summer dress with long sleeves and barefoot…I just feel peace. I don’t know where it is…as I walk, feel the water under my feet but it gradually getting deeper. I don’t think it’s the ocean or river. It doesn’t have mud…it’s concrete. I creep along not really looking where I’m going. The rain is getting harder but tranquil…the water is up to my knees…it seem like a purpose to continue on. Deeper…the water is cloudy…I can’t see my feet as I inch along…there is a current that is getting stronger…I just sink into the flow…not know where it ends…I close my eyes as the rain falls. Soon I’m floating into the darkness. Then it just ends…and I think I’m fine with that.

Just another way to shut down...

A Non Sad Day

Today I had to take off…it was either this Wednesday or next. I had a day’s worth of comp time (that’s time that I should have been paid overtime but they didn’t want to pay that so they gave it as time off but it had to be used before the end of this month. So I did this one because my massage therapist had an early opening. So made plans last week to take off. I had a really big meeting yesterday for Leo. I did the computer work behind it. It was stressful but I wanted to do a really good job for him. I think I did, not that he said in so many words…but does he ever? Anyways, I started looking forward to this day since Sunday.

I got up early (8:45am) and headed out the door with a ton of things carting behind. This was a non-sad day (means no sadness allowed!) I headed to the office barely awake but was looking forward to the massage. Darlene is really good and it felt so good. I really would like for her to give one to my husband but I don’t think he’d go for it. After that my chiropractor (Dr. Tim) adjusted me…it was really easy this time because I was so relaxed. I had debated whether to do a pedicure or not but I went ahead and did it. I’m glad I did. (even though it was all the way across town…) I now have fresh burgundy toe nails and smooth heals….but the day is not over…it’s only 12!

I went to Wal-Mart and got things to pamper myself. I picked up some fruit and chocolate (yeah back on that again but that’s another blog)….now it’s time for lunch. I had picked out what I wanted last week. I don’t always get to this place…it’s usually out of my way. I first stop at the QuikTrip and get a large tea and a bottle of Pepsi…Then on to the deli where I get a tuna melt and potato soup! Yum!!!

On to the last stop, I had gotten a room with a Jacuzzi tub. I was able to check in early and start my soak! (you know when your skin starts to wrinkle….that’s just the beginning!) The jets, the bubbles, and just a pure soak. I used dove soap and my skin felt so clean. I shaved my legs (ok tmi but I don’t care…not many read this). One of the pluses is that the room had wireless internet. (cool or I wouldn’t be doing this blog now!) Moisturized my entire body and it felt so good. So now I’m done with the bathroom and I still have time to reflect before heading home. I still need to curl my hair and stuff like that.

Having my laptop has been really cool and nice…I can be connected to the internet and play cd’s…ok just one cd…Matthew West…

In the HEAT of the night!!

This weekend we went to Dallas for the Indy race. We arrived on Friday pretty late. (didn't leave Tulsa until after 5) By the time we got to the hotel, we were both tired. I checked into our room and really was greeted by a very unfriendly night staff member. When we got into our room (after many times of trying the door but that's another frustration), the room must have been close to 100 degrees....I don't think anyone had been in the room for at least a couple of days. We immediately turned the ac on high...it was cool but it took all night and into the morning before it was comfortable. So that first night was pretty awful to sleep! Neither one of us really got a good night sleep.

The Indy Day
We got to the track around 12:30 for an 8:00pm race. It was getting pretty hot…walking around the hot pavement didn’t help. At least there was a wind – but hot air! lol It was pretty cool to see the race…the cars were low to the ground so when they took the turns, there were lots of sparks. I was cheering for Danicka Patrick but it was pretty cool to see her race even though she didn’t really have a great race.

All I can say is…I don’t want to go to TX in the Summer….June was way too hot for me…but then again….Tulsa can be too!!

Is it FRIDAY yet? Skating on thin ice!

Monday was pretty ugly. Before many were in the office...Leo and I had a pretty good shouting "discussion" with it ending in "do it anyways, I don't care what you think!!'"

Well that really sucked!! All morning, while he was in and out of his office (still on campus passed 9) it was eye contact only! I knew he had gone to the director's office. Shortly after he left, I got pulled in to my office manager's area (closed door) and she wanted to hear myside of the story which all this mess started out last Wednesday. By the time she was done with me it was lunch time...I was really glad because I was about to burst!!! I barely made it out to the car before crying...I don't know why I can't get alone with this guy. I get so frustrated because I seem to not do a lot of things for him right! (he defines the right)....

I went out and sat at a bench in the middle of a field (birds, wind, tall grass, bugs, ticks) crying for the next hour. I did try to call people for support but I only got voice mails.

Surprisingly, I went back to work. I knew there was going to be another meeting either that day or the next...it was at 3:00 on Monday in the director's office. They went over a lot about trusting that I'll so something, communicating what I have done and haven't, and the biggest was: CHANGE THE BAD ATTITUDE. The director also changed my hours from 7:30 to 7:00-4:00 so that Leo and I can have an hour (7-8) to get everything planned out for that day and the week ahead.....I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON and Leo is...he's ready to go when I get there. The rest of this week has actually worked out ok but he was out of the office too and I had some long term tasks to accomplish!

This is the first week of my two week trail period...I think if things aren't any better between Leo and I....I would lose my job!!!

Some might say that would be a good thing...but it would be a scary thing to have happen and to look for another job with benefits....I still have a lot of health issues to face....and without insurance...I would have to stop all meds and dr. appt.

THE WEEKEND!!

I’m told I need to change what I do on the weekends…I have too much time on my hands and thoughts that I like to just “shut down” and be non-existence for the most part….not a pretty scene. So….my husband emails me that he has to work late and on Saturday...that leaves me to myself…so I took someone advice and did something different…I went shopping (something I used to enjoy doing but some how got out of the habit)…I hit my first store before 5 and wouldn’t you know it…found a great buy there….hit the mall and all those stores (places I normally wouldn’t go into because I know I wouldn’t find anything to fit me...) but I tried on lots of different things and sticker shock after trying it on…I guess even if it fits at a normal store I’m still not ready to pay $70 for a shirt!!

Saturday morning I get up and make my dessert for CR because I knew I was going to be out and about…husband working so I didn’t have to stay home. Exciting places I went? Sam’s Club….I know, but I was there for at least an hour…maybe more…who keeps track of time. Of all my purchases…I get 4 dozen rose…I love fresh flowers and roses are my favorite. I headed home and put everything away. I created 3 different vases of roses…white and peach! After doing that, I had a unselfish thought (rare) and decided to take one of the vases to my old boss…I’m a little twisted but anyways. Karin’s birthday is actually on Sunday (wonder if there is any common with the two boss’s being born in the same month and close in date….another blog)

As I remembered where she lived…it’s been a couple of years since I was there but I have talked to her recently. We actually keep in touch which is weird in itself! We visited for a while. That was good for me. As my day was planned…I left there at 3:30 and headed to home and pick up dessert….stopped on my way home to see if a lady wanted a ride to CR that night – she hadn’t called but I thought I would take the initiative (I guess I’m getting braver or at least the ativan is working) Come to find out…she didn’t want to go (I guess her husband and her weren’t getting along – he is in the CR prison ministry)

Off to CR I go….did my part, powerpoint and bring a dessert. I got my 30 day chip….still not sure if I’ve even surrender what I’ve haven’t done for 34 days…I went to small group…just on the outside. It was around 9…and I thought I would go and surprise my husband….he usually goes to the midget races on Saturday nights…I got there just in time for intermission…I know I made brownie points. That actually was a good day.

Sunday, is a day of blogs…time to reflect on things I’ve been wanted to blog about. I went to my little small church. My pastor has made the effort to keep my faith that someone else out there cares about my spiritually well being…I know there are others …it’s just nice to know. I went a little early and met up with Perry. He really is a Godly man even when he’s quite…I think I’ve completely told him the truth today…I think he put all the puzzles I told him together.

The "Party"

It’s Friday morning, and I’m struggling with whether I should just take another day off or face the JOB. As it happened my husband and I got up early (early enough for me to take a shower and enjoy a few minutes back under the covers before getting ready for work)

7:05 am and I’m at my exit but I go on to the next to get my daily large Ice Tea (Thank God for QuikTrips….it’s my Starbucks!) and now chocolate bar (could be a donut or anything sweet….it’s a pick me up to face LEO!)

As I get into my office, I put all my “stuff” on my desk and head into Leo’s office (he likes to have my first attention since he’s here at 6:30am and ready for me when I get in…the question is am I ready to be with him….I NOT A MORNING PERSON! So I take a big breath and head in with my notepad.

COMMUNICATIONS! Is how he starts out again! Because I missed yesterday, he didn’t know what I had done late on Wednesday for a meeting he was to have on Thursday. My director had given me this assignment which Leo knew but he didn’t know if I had completed it…(I finished it at 4:30 Wednesday and gave it to the director….Leo was already gone for the day! How was I supposed to tell him or he didn’t trust that I completed something like that for the director….) Anyways, after being confronted in this manner, just made the hairs on the back of my neck stand and I was on the defense with my answers (sarcastic more then I should)! The tears where there but I was able to push through to find out my next assignment he wanted me to work on…since schools out…I’m 100% his…

Like a said, Leo comes in early and leaves campus around 8:30ish….So I was busy getting people to sign a card and then get them together….as I was getting them together (including the director) he was packing up to leave…he was oblivious to what’s around him….as he walks out his office we all started to sing…I think he was in shock that we even knew it was his birthday on Saturday but the fact that I had been planning this for a couple of days (also got a gift certificate to a guitar place)…best part…the cake was good!!!

After he left I also did frame some photos of black & white pictures of a guitar. (His office is bare…he hardly in it…and he like guitars) When he got back around 3 he actually notice but really didn’t say a whole lot. I sent the rest of the cake home with him (one, because I wanted to let him know that I did this and it was real! and two the fact that he said no one on our campus cares to know him – it would help if he participated but that’s another blog!)

The Passion

So I took a mental heath day on Thursday....not sure how much of a mental health day it was or if it just was a day I wanted to shut down and have a mini "I DON'T CARE" day. Of course this day did involved taking medication for a “headache” , “backache”, “heartache”! I don’t want to say I wallowed the whole day…I did an errand in the morning for of all people, my boss (Leo)….it was his birthday on Saturday and I had to get the cake and card and that’s a whole other blog.

As I settle in my barker-a-lounger chair (mine’s smaller then my husband but still as comfortable with the right blanket and mushy pillow) and a large ice tea, drugs in process and I figured out how to play a dvd on my husband’s baby (HDTV sound system – whatever!) Since see the Di Vinci code…and my struggles of recent…it’s was time to watch the Passion….saw it once on the theatre screen but really wasn’t ready at that time to let it sink in. (not sure if I’m ready now either but it was something I thought I needed to watch)

In fact I watched it twice…I wanted to see it through Mary’s eyes….and to notice how John & the “other” Mary were there as well. Its hard for me to put into words what effects I can say watching it again had. It actually got me to remember of a hymn from my childhood.

O sacred Head, now wounded,
with grief and shame weighed down,
now scornfully surrounded
with thorns, thine only crown:
how pale thou art with anguish,
with sore abuse and scorn!
How does that visage languish
which once was bright as morn!

What thou, my Lord, has suffered
was all for sinners' gain;
mine, mine was the transgression,
but thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior!
'Tis I deserve thy place;
look on me with thy favor,
vouch safe to me thy grace.

What language shall I borrow
to thank thee, dearest friend,
for this thy dying sorrow,
thy pity without end?
make me thine forever;
and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never
outlive my love for thee.

So how can I struggle with today’s problems when my sins have been paid for…what I am waiting for a punishment that is out there for me to fear? I wonder if what it was like to be there the last 7 days of Christ’s life. The gospels tell me what their account was…but I guess I’m in the doubting Thomas syndrome and want to experience it for myself. I’m stuck in the feelings then in the factually belief and faith.