Wandering amlessly into the night...

Picked up Josie and Heidi from the vets today....Josie seemed happy and smelled very good, fresh bows she's ready for the holidays...Heidi on the other hand was meowing and not in her friendly meows...guess she didn't like all the fuss to get her annual check up including her rabies shot. I was at least smart this time and put her in a carry kennnel.
Stopped on my way home and got dinner....yum ah the first ssign are cooming. I just wadering.III foook an avanderung around while fall in the the next peruper haaaa I give in....the meds when.....I can barely funcintons2

Mornings...

seem to get earlier and earlier these days. I wish I could sleep longer but at least I'm able to get to sleep. I fell asleep with my glasses on...it was weird waking up to clear vision...as I crawled out of bed and wandering down the hallway..I've locked Heidi in the computer room all night...oops Not a very happy cat. After the protest of meows she settles in at her bowl to eat her late dinner. All is quiet in the house as I sip my hot tea while wondering what to blog about today. So many thoughts running through my head but most I can't openly write about...too hard, too personal, too real.

One of the realizations I've been pondering is the fact that I'm not taking my meds as I should. I'm afraid that I really do need something...that I'm going to lose control...that I'm going to have to take them forever! My dr reassures me that's not going to happen. Can I really trust his opinion? He see's me for 15 minutes every 6 weeks...how does he know? Will they really help? Oh the doubts, confusion and the irrational beliefs I buy into daily leaves the helpless, hopeless, desporate options available.

HI HO it's off to work I go!

Well, I'm not sure I can call it work...but I actually enjoy what I do part-time. I got to drive the big rig today. Pretty cool. Pulling a 24 hour shift...like to get paid while I sleep! There are some downsides -- think a really nice person died...it was just her time -- nothing I could do about it but make her comfortable. Made an impact on how I would react to each situation.

Thanksgiving Specials

Ok...14 hours with immediate family in one room...leaves me to think the next day of "family" and 3 weeks from now it will be a repeat. Too much food for just about 10 people...and this was supposed to be a simple meal. The day turned out to be a relative quiet one without major incidents...(brothers being brothers)...They actually got together and play some ball but mostly watched it on tv...(yeah...wvu won! Go Mountianeers!) I think everyone read the sales papers about 3 times with everyone commenting on one thing or another and deciding that getting up at 5 or camping out at the stores door wasn't worth the savings...ha Shopping, crowds, doesn't sound appealing to me even if it's Christmas Shopping...maybe if it snowed or just seemed alittle bit more like the holidays (whatever that is) I would enjoy doing that...

Here kitty, kitty...

ok...left the bathroom door ajared after my early morning trip...which I've done so many times before...then she strikes...one curious paw at a time. She likes shining stuff...(what girl doesn't) 9:45 am getting ready for the day...I go into the bathroom to get my rings...my rings....omg...where's my solitare? wedding band but no solitare... Hiedi...what did you do with my ring? she just meows...I start my frantic search of the floor. Check the hallway...living areas, under the furniture....back to the bathroom...it's got to be here, please let me find it. Soon my husband joins in the search all the while grumbling about leaving the door open...oh my solitare...it's got to be here somewhere...laying on the bathroom floor...I find the 1/2 inch crack between the floor tile and the cabinet. Ewwweeee very gross things my finger comes in contact. Oh please let me find it! Yes...it's there I can feel it...ahh as my husband comes down the hallway ready to give up...I open my hand that there it was. My solitare...the tears rolling down in an uncontrolable sob...I found it!

Chocolate...cures all worries

It's been a while but I decided to indulged in some milk chocolate whipped frosting...how intreging one spoonful of fluffy heaven can make you feel all good especially on a Monday. The bright side: tomorrow will be a Friday...no more school for the rest of the week. Holidays, family functions, people...I think I'm going too need some more frosting.

Safety within Numbers

...safe...relative term...safe...how will I know...safe...if I keep typing it maybe I'll believe it...safe...

Sunday Blues

Ahhh it's 5:30 am and I'm awake snuggled next to the dog and inches away from my snoring husband. I watch him breathe, I find my self counting his breaths. Wonder what he thinks when he's asleep? I wonder if he's dreaming good things...not bad? I hate bad dreams. I don't know what they mean. I lay awake thinking about what I dreamed. It's making me anxious. It was just a dream I try to remind myself. Why do I take it so personal. Snap out of it. It's not real. Go back to sleep...close your eyes. Think of good things...good things...there's got to be some good things to ponder! 6:45 am...ok...if I take half a sleeping pill...maybe I can get some more sleep. A hot cup of tea sounds good too. That will relax me into sleep. Realizing taking something will mean I probably won't be up in time for the first service but I'll set my alarm just in case...8:30...the alarm goes off...still groggy I roll over and turn it off and snuggle back down. 10:00 am...I missed the first service. Get up! Second service starts in 30 minutes...there is time. What to wear...black, warm, and what's available on the floor. Hair -- ugh not going to cooperate should of taken a shower...won't sit by anyone too close maybe no one will notice. As I'm driving down the highway...I realize my exit is next...ugh...wake up! Pay attention. Pull into the parking lot. Do I really want to go in...you can do it. One step in front of the other. Make it to my seat without anyone stoping to chit chat! Breathe...this is a good place...the music starts...oh words...don't read the words...you don't live like that...no...Breathe...why did they have to sit behind me. Listen to the music, don't think....breathe. I can't stand it...I have to get out. Too many people. Oh...they are standing up ...now's my chance if I'm going to go. I can slip out with out too much attention. Why did I even try? Home sounds so safe...home...now what?

Saturday leaves

blowing in the cool crisp windy day. Stayed pretty close to my bed. I just can't think so clearly today...it feels like a whole different world.

Friday Night Fever

So by 3 I'm coherent enought to allow myself to go to a football game with ton's of people, by 6...all i have to do is concentrate on the quarterback and each play....nothing eles in my mind to preocupied it! by 12...I think I'm ready for bed ...just a little experment. Reasonably happy...with a little help!

Step by Step...

STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. That our lives had become unmanageable.

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18

unmanageable...that seems to be an understatement. I keep repeating this verse over and over when I'm stuck on doing something wrong...it just reinforces all I believe to be true. No matter how hard I try there's is nothing I can do to make it right. I "feel" so stuck...in the same pattern over and over again like it repeats consistently everyday. No one understands...I just can't communicate what it's like. Verbally it sound lame (even writting it doesn't sound that great either). How am I to change something that I KNOW is illrational, obsessive, and compulsive? I just think I've done this unpardonable sin but when I put it (sin) in to words it really doesn't make sense. The guilt is still there. The shame of feeling it is stronger and feeds into the other thoughts. The anxiety builds until something small sets me off into a panic moment.

Object of my Obsession..

"Obsessions refer to intense thoughts, worries, or images that are experienced as intrusive and unwanted...[it] is an unrealistic or overexaggerated worry or concern about something..."

I don't know why I think the way I do...it's just natural. Unfortunitly it isn't alway healthy! Greatest fear: not being wanted, accepted, valued for who I am. I try so hard to be what people want me to be when I fail it's all my fault. I could of done something different to get the right response I was looking for. Obsessing over every detail until I've driven myself crazy or internalized the anger into rage. What most people see on the outside...someone who doesn't smile...when on the inside raging storm...my most interthoughts imagining the worst case view point. Now the question is "who am I" if I can't answer that...how are others to see me or should that matter. I've recognized the emotions that I'm experiencing are irrational or illogical but at the time...the anxiety and stress are not. They are real fueled by my own thoughts. Gain strength each minute I dwell. The climax ending in a very self distructive behavior generally something that causes pain. The more intense the better the release. Are there other options out? Can I break the cycle...who am I kidding...I just replace one bad habit with another equally as bad that if not change will get out of hand...I am not in control and nobody knows how bad!

No where to go

but to bed...I wish I could just turn off! I'm so tried to thinking!!

Numbers Squared!

Did you know there are about 286 beans in a cup....1716 in a pound...8580 in 5 lbs....and I guess I could go on and on...but I'm losing interest in counting beans. I counted 213 cars I passed on the highway until that got boring...that leads me back to counting the one thing I've been trying to avoid. But you know I don't feel complete unless it's done. And it has to be done a certain way or I have to start all over and recount. Why can't I let it go? Why does it cause such great anxiety before I've even started? I know it's wrong therefore I must be the crazy one...no one normal would do this! I have to know to have any peace...ahhhhh is there such a place?

It's just a numbers game...

one mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi, four mississippi -- it's all about numbers however way you look at things...

I like to count when I'm nervious or bored. Ceiling tiles in the doctors office to random patterns in a rug. Counting calms me...methodical, to the point & with a purpose. I count in a crowd -- how many are wearing blue or there are so many women to men. So now I ask the question, is that compulsive or a game or both? I can remember when I was a kid, riding in the car on long trips doing the alphabet sign game (looking for each letter and you couldn't go on to the next letter until you found it on a sign, license plate, or bumper sticker! ha) Have I grown up to the next level of counting? Does it ever end? no, it doesn't-- I've tried many of times to see how many minutes I could count in a row and I'd get bored after about 500...silly really but that's part of how I think.

Which way the wind blows..

Yesterday it was strong from the south...hot and dry...today it's from the north...damp and cool

kind of like the roller coaster of emotions from contentment to high anxiety...some wise person said in not so many words but that I am in control of that...do I believe him is the question? I realize that I'm different then 6 months ago...definitely for the better. But there are those days of hopelessness just less of them...maybe I am in control but it's just one day at a time.

Smoke Screen

It was a beautiful sunny day! Couldn't ask for better weather...sun screen, lemonade, scanner, and we're set for the nascar races...busch on Saturday, cup on Sunday! Saturday was more fun; I don't know if it's because it's the first day or because the seats are so much better. Sunday was ok...but the people around us. I'm glad it wasn't the "frat" boys but there was still a lot of beer drinking going on. What was just as bad though was the guy in front of us smoking a cigar. Talk about smoke screen...he made that one cigar last (way tooo long) almost the entire race! Second hand smoke was definitely in the picture. I'm really glad I didn't pick up that bad habit younger...tried a few times but just couldn't take the "puff" and the smell! Not something I'd enjoy...I guess along with that was beer...gross! Never could understand what was so great about beer let alone get drunk on it! Wouldn't call that fun! Guess I'm square! Don't get me wrong...I have other addictions that are just as bad...working on those issues one at a time...Guess I have my own "smoke screen" too! It's just not as visible.

Panic

my heart is racing and I'm shaking...how am I supposed to fall asleep...I think I watched too much tv...too much stimuli! Breathing is not an option...I'm afraid of the unknown...

what a real friend should be...

bff or best friends forever...was a term I learned this week. A student wrote it on his contact card and put his best friend's number down. Got me to thinking...over the years I've had a lot of friends...but are they real friends...so what is a real friend? Honest - I know a lot of people who are honest with me. Sincere - truly want to hear about my day and share with me about theirs (ok...that will weed out about 10 people, I guess those are aquintances or causal friends) I-can-telling-them-anything-and-they-won't-be-shocked friend -- ok that leaves about 3; if I'm stranded on the side of the road...3Then there is always the mom/friend thing..but you know...there are things you just don't tell your parents I don't know how old you get! And that's a whole other blog!Along with that -- there's God...how does he play a role as a friend...it's not like you can carry on a conversation (unless talking to yourself is cool; I don't think so!) and I know he answers in other ways...but how are you to depend on "other ways" when you want an answer NOW! ok, I'm side tracked so let's get back to...FRIENDS

I hope I'm a real friend to someone too!

Reflections...

I was thinking as I was reading a bunch of blogs tonight...and some were from men old enough to be my dad. My dad died in 1999 and a part of me still doesn't realize that if that makes sense. But I got to thinking what my dad would do in this blogging world of the internet. He'd probably have a cool computer website and talking about all the latest gagits...but would he blog personally? I'm surprise I blog personally let alone anyone in my family...well my niece would...we're a lot a like...scarey! It's funny that I'd share my blog with the world but I don't tell my family my blog address...too personal, too close for comfort. But back to the subject...IF my dad blogged personal what would he be saying...I think his faith would have a big impact on his site along with our family. I don't know if he'd tell stories but I'm sure there were stories he'd share about my frantic calls home in what I perceived as a crisis! When anything mechanical or for that matter minor things happen...you always called your dad...at least I did. From lights that appeared on the dash of my car to when are you coming out to see me...I have my handyman list ready! (Even after I got married...) Now my father-in-law mostly gives me advice...I hate asking him to do things since he's getting older and doesn't need to be actually messing with things...but he's good to bounce thoughts off of with things to do especailly when it comes to the house things...he's smart but he didn't teach his son what he knows...ha Overall, that's when I miss my dad the most...when something breaks or I need his opinion on what I should do next...I'm thinking about about changing my gas logs back to where I can burn wood...for looks and smell more then heat...I know, I know...fireplaces actually take more heat out of the house then they are worth...but you got to go with the feelings...right?