Sunday Blues

Ahhh it's 5:30 am and I'm awake snuggled next to the dog and inches away from my snoring husband. I watch him breathe, I find my self counting his breaths. Wonder what he thinks when he's asleep? I wonder if he's dreaming good things...not bad? I hate bad dreams. I don't know what they mean. I lay awake thinking about what I dreamed. It's making me anxious. It was just a dream I try to remind myself. Why do I take it so personal. Snap out of it. It's not real. Go back to sleep...close your eyes. Think of good things...good things...there's got to be some good things to ponder! 6:45 am...ok...if I take half a sleeping pill...maybe I can get some more sleep. A hot cup of tea sounds good too. That will relax me into sleep. Realizing taking something will mean I probably won't be up in time for the first service but I'll set my alarm just in case...8:30...the alarm goes off...still groggy I roll over and turn it off and snuggle back down. 10:00 am...I missed the first service. Get up! Second service starts in 30 minutes...there is time. What to wear...black, warm, and what's available on the floor. Hair -- ugh not going to cooperate should of taken a shower...won't sit by anyone too close maybe no one will notice. As I'm driving down the highway...I realize my exit is next...ugh...wake up! Pay attention. Pull into the parking lot. Do I really want to go in...you can do it. One step in front of the other. Make it to my seat without anyone stoping to chit chat! Breathe...this is a good place...the music starts...oh words...don't read the words...you don't live like that...no...Breathe...why did they have to sit behind me. Listen to the music, don't think....breathe. I can't stand it...I have to get out. Too many people. Oh...they are standing up ...now's my chance if I'm going to go. I can slip out with out too much attention. Why did I even try? Home sounds so safe...home...now what?