beep, beep, beep, beep, beep....

oh the horror as I back up out of a parking spot. Sure I looked around...gentley I move back...then bump....OMG...OMG....OMG now what have I hit....OMG...I can't believe I just hit another car....I park my car (in a different spot) go look at what I hit...yes, folks it's a big old truck with very heavy duty bumpers...I didn't even make a scratch....OMG...OMG...OMG...I turn around to look at my car...(tears are forming) and I have a big hole in my bumper. It was the exact spot of a minor crack..#$%^...so I picked up all the pieces....ok...2 major ones and it even goes together....with tears in my eyes I headed back into Lowes and went to the service desk. The store manager was very nice and I told him what happened and what the licence plate number was of the truck...but he wanted to see it first before announcing it. I told him I didn't even scratched the bumper....as we go out...the truck is gone. They never knew I hit their truck (well it wasn't like there was any damage) The store manager thanked me for coming in but he guess the owner did see anything wrong and I didn't have to do anything else....I can't believe how stupid I was for hitting that truck...I had no idea it was behind me. It was a big black truck with an extended bed...oh for the extend bed....I should of check twice...but I was so distracted by what I was doing in the parking lot in the first place and the items I had sitting on the front seat...OMG....What am I going to do now? I tried to calm myself down and not get emotional....I start my car and carefully got out of that parking lot as soon as I could. I didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. He reacted just the way I thought he would. It was all my fault and I shouldn't even be driving....he thinks this happened because to the medications I'm on. Oh how that hurts to think about....even after all this time he still doesn't understand. He just doesn't know how much I really need his concern for me and not for the stupid car and how the way I drive. He had such a bad day (he sat in his chair for the last 15 hours watching tv (yelling at the satelite because of the rain and cloud cover, now he thinks the satelite is broken....so I have to call on that tomorrow...I really think its the cloud cover) And when he got upset with the tv he decided to play his playstation game...which only made him madder because he keep being killed in the same place in the game....oh I don't know what to do....I let him go to bed...I didn't want to be in the same room with him. Plus if I took my meds he would roll his eyes and that just confirms his point. So now it 's too late to take my meds....I'd never wake up....and all I can do is cry which that won't do if I go to bed now because if I wake him up, he'll be even madder! Right now I feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do to make things right. It's going to cost something to get my car fix...and even if I get it fixed...my car really isn't worth a whole lot even in good condition. My car! My poor car....I just can't take care of anything!!

On a Cloudly day...

when all you want to do is stay all nuggled up in bed and let the steady pitter patter of the rain make you feel comfortable....ok that lasted about 10 am this morning. I how I hate mornings - I'm not really a morning person...I've just learned to comform to the outside world because there is not a job that I can get doing what I do that starts in the afternoon.

So what's my plan for the day....my husband suggested a movie....we went last night and saw Flight 93...it was emotional and I think I relived the same feelings I had that day. It just makes you think more about that day. Ok...side tracked...my dog broke her collar this morning when she came back in and shaking off the water....it's at least 3 years old...I can't remember when Josie wandered into our lives....she just seems like she's been here forever.....ok....side track 2.

I had to go Pet Smart to get a new collar. Of course they didn't have the same one that I bought so long ago. So I found on that was colorful on black and it looks ok. I think I can still use the lease I got. (yes, I'm one of those who matches collars and leases!!)

Next, Sam's...I was just going to run in there and get pickles and olives....but ended up staying there for about an hour.....I got laundry stuff, two rose bushes, drinks, shampoo, pickles and olives -- dessert for tonights meeting (apple cobbler). I think I was all over the store...I also looked at vacumn cleaners...and one I almost got.

A new vacumn cleaner was my main mission for today. My old one doesn't suck anything and I've tried cleaning it and replacing filters with no luck. I think it's terminal. Well, what should I expect. Almost every year I have to get another vacumn cleaner which I usually get it from Walmart of Kmart. So it's usually not a real expensive one. So I thought this is a good time to really invest in a cleaner that I don't have to replace every other year.

So next on my list, Sears...I had looked online and they seemed to have better prices then Lowes' & homedepot. There was actually a sales rep there to ask all kinds of questions. I looked at 2 models. So she let me try both out on the rug. That pretty much made up my mine which one I wanted....now I should make it pretty clear....I really don't vacumn very much. I have a cleaning lady that does that once a month. Occassionally when there is a mess on the floor, I'd use it. The biggest example of when I use it, is around the litter box. Heidi doesn't always keep her litter in her box!

Excitment of opening the box and taking each part out. The new clean smell. I had to play with all the parts to make sure I knew how to use each thing. After reading the manual (yes, I always read the manual!) I had to play with it so I pluged it in and vacumned the kitty litter area and the back door rug. Boy, it really does work and emypting the canister was really easy. So, maybe I made a good decision. I'm going to be paying for it for the next six months. Now I just hope my cleaning lady likes it! ha

A+, A, B/C and unsatisfactory

Well the big day arrived and I thought I was prepared for this review meeting. It did take me by surprise. There were alot of mobo jumbo corporate phases that were hard to tell what they ment or were asking. Overall, I guess I had an A (93% ranking) for the year. It's werid to be 39 and be on a grading scale for performance review. I had 2 A+, about 10 A's, and 4 B/C. They didn't distingushied which was a B and which was a C. The only thing I was marked down for was attitude. It wasn't totally unsatisfactory but it was basically saying I wasn't a very positive attitude in dealing with my co-workers, students, & customers.

Attitude: a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways

I think mental status had a lot to do with everything and emotional reactions to certian things wasn't as professional as it should have been.

Even though it was a positive outcome, I still feel like I really was that good in my performance this year. Since I wasn't "critisied" I just feel like I should be. I know I'm being harder on myself but I still think some of it should of had a consequences. Like there should of been more B/C's then A's. I know that's the self punishing side of my black and white thinking showing through. Now I just have to deal with it so that I don't act on my impulsive thoughts.

Is it Personal?

You know when your day starts out being late...things are just going downhill from there. Here it's Thursday and it all started on Monday...at work I just couldn't do anything right or people pointed out things that I did wrong...I don't know which is which. Maybe I'm a little bit paranoid. Here it's "Secretaries" week but I don't really think I'm really one of them. They say I am but it doesn't look like it. Of all weeks this week is evaluation yearly reviews. So everyday there have been questions asked to prepare for my meeting on Friday afternoon...why Friday afternoon? Great...not only have I build up anxiety for the whole week but afterwards I get the whole weekend to relive the moment. Ok...so am I taking things too personally? Most definitely.

But I say: I've prepare my "portfolio" of everything I've done and what's in my job description that I've acheive and I just hope that's enough when the lights are turned out and the doors are closed!

So that's what's on the outside? Calm, cool and collected...

Whipped Fluffy White Frosting

So what's the difference in frosting and icing? I think one is cooked over heat but it's been a while from home mak...Ok...so does white have a specific flavor? I once thought it was vannilla but no it's definitely not vanillia. Ok...it is all in the descrition....fluffy and whipped...and sugar...did I mention the sugar!!! It's a breakfast of champions and a night cap to finish a LONG day! It's the end between times when you need a pick-me up. Ok all you drooling fans out there....it's not like I can eat a whole tub but I can slam back at least 3 spoonfuls before it has to be put away.

The Crashing of Waves

Waves of sounds, Waves of words, Waves of guilt, Wave of shame, Waves of anger, waves of sin, waves of thoughts....I feel so seasick. The little dingy is just big enough for me to sit but the water keeps coming in as I try to bail it out. The rage is all around. I don't know whats right or whats wrong. what I believe, I question. Ahhhhh all I need is some sugar....that calms me down...or does it just put me in a comatosed state where I don't care anymore. Do I care? I must or I wouldn't be here.

At this time is the point where, it is better for me to just go to bed and try not to deal with this imagination of distructive thoughts...but do I carry them into my dreams...yes. There just seems like not where to turn. I've exhusted all the support around that if I crack agian...I just don't know what will happen.

Is it possible to put it all back together again? To really be normal?

Blogger's Block

It's been so long since I last blogged. I really don't know why. It just seems that I haven't been able to decide what to blog about. I would think through the day how that thought would be a good blog but by the time I got to my laptop...it would be gone. I think things are going well but is that just on the outside or am I truely changing. I think one minute I am as stronger person then a year ago....and in the next moment I feel like I want to die. I know it's just the ups and downs of life. But sometimes I get stuck in the low times...

Jewelry - Earrings

You know some women wear multiple rings, bracelets, and earrings. Now days it is not uncommon to see 4 or 5 ear piercing. I just can’t imagine and more then the hole I got now. Of course, I was 12 when I begged my mom to allow me to get my ears pierced. I don’t think my dad was too excited about it and definitely not my older sister, only because she had to wait until she was 16…cost for being the oldest and me being the baby! I remember the day so well. I was so excited. My mom took me to the mall as soon as I got home. Back then there wasn’t as many places to choose from so I got my ears pierced in a store called Spenser’s (I think now they still have it but it was a lot different back in the 70’s) The girl who did my ears used a marker to put a dot on both ears and made sure it looked right. Now the big choice of either gold studs or silver studs….that was it…I went with the silver! Whoever said it doesn’t hurt was wrong but I made it through. Weeks to come I heard I told you so from both my parents as my ears got infected and healed and infected and healed until I got used to having metal in my ears. It wasn’t like I had a lot of earrings to wear either. I kept my studs in for a long time. I really don’t remember buying the second pair or any pairs after that…but I know which earrings I’ve gotten for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. Wearing earrings now is an option not a must. It’s that little bit of yes I think I will take the time to pick out a pair of earrings that goes with what I’m wearing. Maybe that’s the little girl coming out in this age but it’s the little things that make me smile!

Denial

You know if you’ve read any of my pervious blogs that I have faced some of my denial but you know it’s still there. I feel like I’m trying to balance reality with my own reality. See Sawing back and forth from one extreme to another. I think I’m getting better. I don’t think I’m as hopeless as I could be. I’m more into living out what’s given. I still want to hide and not face reality. I don’t want the responsibility that sometimes comes with being a grown adult. My black and white thinking is still around. I hold so much to either good or bad and if it’s not one or the other then it’s automatically bad. My co-workers have been telling me about how I’ve been the last 3 months and comparing it to the last 6 weeks. They have seen a big change but I’m not sure what I’ve changed. I slowing think the fog is lifting. I’m just afraid of slipping…and if I’m in denial that I am!