Record breaking

Vocabulary under 250 words

very depressing I'm at a lost for words

Understandable?

I feel myself giving up and no ones there to listen. I gave my husband what he really wanted fir christmas - a wife who will stay home

I don't know when it will happen but one day I will no longer be what I've become today.

iPhone rant

help me

I don't want to
Why do I have to
I won't do it
You can't make me
You can't make me
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME

I HATE YOU
I REALLY HATE YOU

my brain is working overtime
MAKE IT STOP!!!!
I want it to stop
STOP IT!

insanity vs sanity
doing the SAME thing over and over and over EXPECTING a different outcome

which the outcome IS NOT WHAT I WANT
I want it MY WAY!
ME ME ME
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (myself and I) the others are in their somewhere watch out!

Aimlessness

You know when it gets bad enough that I come home and eat my big Mac, take excedrin-benydral and lie in bed playing a stupid iPhone game all a while my arm is killing me still, I crave for physical pain!

I wish for the endless sleep where hopes, fears, and disappointments don't send me in a tailspin.

The worst part, I can't even tell anyone the whole truth. It's all about me and my mind isn't strong enough to just STOP thinking. I always have a thought to process.

"take every thought captive..." how does that work or how can I really have that work.

I hate living!!!

prayer

while something simple as to whisper under your breath but i found this pretty funny which means i guess i need to pray every minute of the day or else i'd kill someone or myself.

fine

"Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional"

I wished....

I wished....I believe what I say
I wished....people would know what I really mean but don't tell
I wished....I didn't think it's SOOOO about me ALL THE FREKIN TIME

In a room full of people:
I want to run
I want to SCREAM
I want to hide

In a room full of people: I smile because everything is fine and my world is perfect. I do not stress. I do not worry. I do not hit.

There is not enough meds to keep me sane 100% of the time. 85% I do well to get by. 15% I make bad choices from negative thoughts that rule my emotions.

THEN AGAIN, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!! and I can't keep my mouth shut!!! My opinion isn't necessary all the time. No one wants to hear me go on & on.

Shouting from the mountain top

F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F#$&
F U C K Y O U!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't wanna

I'm tired. I just want to sleep. I don't want to wake up anymore. Just sleep. No interaction. No responsibility. No pretending. No demands.

Let's just "move on" to the next living hell! I'm figuring it's probably ten times fold as the unfair life. Too bad I don't believe inrecarnation - would have liked to be a very loved pet (my fur children are spoiled!!!)

Finally the meds are kicking in and I'm off to sleep.

Swing Batter

"Swing away"

You'd of thought that phase would just be tied to a baseball game but when I hear it, I have two thoughts: a) a movie about aliens - signs & b) the cracking noise a hammer make. Similar to a bat and a ball.

So here we are full circle. SWING BATTER BATTER SWING AWAY

Deep Aches

Tonight I felt constantly reminded that I will never be a mom. Have a daughter to share a common bond. To watch her grow and become an individual That will never be a part of me I so long for and resent what others have and what I can't have. My heart just breaks into tiny pieces that pierce the inner soul. I hate God!

In the stillness

Escape to my car. The quietness a welcome friend. Not peaceful but a retreat all the same. It also comes with one huge bad choice but temporary relief is a goal. Long term means a plan.

I want to just stop thinking - my brain is over active and is pounding!

morning has broken

Wake Up
Wake Up
it's a freaking nightmare!
I just want to sleep and not be bothered
I hate myself!

bro·ken·heart·ed [broh-kuh n-hahr-tid]
-adjective
1. burdened with great sorrow, grief, or disappointment.

Pounding

My ears are still pounding. I thought I was ok but I'm not. Sitting in front of the subwoofer was Loud to the max!!

Sad

I understand & I feel sad that he didn't want to live. I don't blame him. I just wished he would have said how bad his life was. I think I'm just going to cry to go to sleep!!!

------------------
Sense 1:
sad (vs. glad)
bittersweet
doleful, mournful
heavyhearted
melancholy, melancholic
pensive, wistful
tragic, tragical
tragicomic, tragicomical

Sense 2:
sad
sorrowful (vs. joyful)

Sense 3:
deplorable, distressing, lamentable, pitiful, sad, sorry
bad (vs. good)

Frustration

It's almost 2 am and I'm trying to fall asleep. My brain won't turn off. I think of something to do which leads to another thing that drives me INSANE! please mr sandman bring on the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs

SPAM TEXTING

A friend texted a general statement and I just have to play a smart ass! It goes like this:

God gave us life,. Jesus gave us life after death,. Holy Spirit gives us direction in life, . . . . . . . . Any questions?

and when life sucks????
You asked for questions. :)

Pray :)

and if I don't like the answer?

Pray 4 the right 1 :)

Who's right (God? Me?)and what's wrong (good, bad & ugly)

I'm being obnoxious and asking the SO WHY and JUST BECAUSE isn't an Answer

Where in the world

If I could go anywhere....

10: hawaii
9: Alaska
8: cancun
7: niagara falls
6: tuscany
5: London
4: Colorado
3: north Dakota
2: montana
1: Salem OR

I want to fly like an eagle to the sea
Fly like an eagle let my spirit carry me


I want to just give
Dreams are only that - Dreams

Lost

Painfully I don't care!

Counting blessings??

One potato
Two potatoes
Three potatoes
Four!

Five potatoes
Six potatoes
Seven potatoes
More!

I'm seriously wondering if there are any blessing. The mundane tasks drive med down down down

Mirror Mirror on the wall

"every time I look in the mirror...the past is gone..."

My past keeps finding me in small thing and turns to hugh issues. I'm not handling it very well.

The Dog labeled as EVIL

She tends to piss her father off as much as possible. HE doesn't really watch her. And I'm being accused of defending her all the time. Does he want me to get rid of her? Is that what I should do! I just want to cry! Hide. And try to drown out the voices that follow me. I HATE FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO CHOOSE AND LOOSE EVERYTHING!

i'll cry if i want to

waiting

i seem to be just waiting for something to happen. life always happens....not really exicited about change my psychitrist. The one I've had for the last 8 months left and i guess i trusted him becasue he didn't put up with my bull shit...kind of like my counselor does too. I guess i should take some responsibility for the first dr i saw. He was easy to push over becasue i think i knew more then he did! (I think was the key in that sentence). but now, i'm supposed to just pick and feel comfortable. I went with my counselor's recommendation but i didn't like her. I guess i expect her to at least read my file instead of me hitting the highlights....it was tempting to see if she would allow me back on the meds that made me a zombie....all the good old days! NOT! I'm not really motivated to see another....i have 2 more refills before i have to see someone. is that the start of a new game???? do i really want to play? do i really want the results of the outcome?

Pain

Is it emotional or physical? Mental or conic? Whatever it is...it hurts and I hate taking something for it I rather save them for if I want to vegg! I know the really wrong answer!

Sadness

The feeling of not caring. The feeling of not really caring. It's been a long time since I don't want to care.

The return of that missing emptiness. But who can I tell? It would just be a disappointment. Starting to lose.

Sanity

I feel like banging my head against the wall. Just maybe not some sense into my stubborness. I am struggling.

LOST

Longing to feel maybe I belong somewhere
Outside of the inner circle
Situation and dinamics of the group/crowd
Too emotional to keep trying

the EPIC SAGA......................

Well, we just don’t talk enough………………….

Went home to MD for my nephew’s wedding…getting home and people were all weird including my mom…..spent time with steph (duh) and I think everyone was mad for us playing cards

Then my sister-in-law stated to me that “it was ok if I go to the rehearsal dinner” like I wasn’t invited after flying….then she was upset because I didn’t RSVP --- ok they knew I was flying in!!!!!! isn’t that enough notice?

Ok so I’m ready to go home before the wedding…………………………the wedding was ok but hot. They got married on the farm and had a tent setup BUT they ran out of food (too big of plates and people pigged out) soooooo that was interesting. Then comes the family pictures as an afterthought about 9:30pm (wedding was at 5) and most people left (because of the food and the pace was slow -- I think the cake should have been done after they realized no more food etc)

Sunday and Monday, mom and I finally could talk without her being weird so that was good. I went to steph’s volleyball game on Tuesday

And she said “come play with us” -- right there I should have known better you’d think…..YEP klutz me, before I even touched the ball, I tore my calf muscle (this guy was trying to convince me it was just a Charlie horse)………..I hobbled home and iced it because I was really flying home Wednesday……………..I was going by subway but because of my leg mom took me to the airport (love mom)

Got to the gate early and the plane was late…..finally boarded and on the tarmac and the pilot came on saying we were going back to a gate -- a light on the cargo door saying it’s not locked…………….that’s comforting. Needless to say we were about and 1 ½ late into Memphis and I watch my plane take off as we were taxing to the gate. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, I’m stuck in Memphis hop-along…..and they put us up in a holiday inn but with no bags……….they gave out a pouch containing, a t-shirt, toothbrush and razor plus 2 food vouchers……….had a great dinner and chocolate cake……yummy

took a shower but forgot I didn't have my straighter iron....ugh bad frizzy hair. Great! was supposed to be in a meeting at work on Thursday where they moved it to 3pm...my flight into Tulsa got me in at 11 and April (Brent’s niece) picked me up because Brent had a major project going on............she didn't have to work until later so it was a win-win I guess!

NOT!!!!!!

As a hop along, I waited to get my bag (that I hadn't seen for 2 days) yes it made it off the plane in the right city....I had enough time to go home change clothes -- fix the frizzy bad hair and make it to work...........or that was the plan.

So I’m still a gimp with my leg but as we were coming off 11th street and Garnett, we hear a horn honking. I can't see much in April’s car the seat is so low....then BOOOMMM! yep a lady hit us from behind.....I don't know why my first reaction was to call work and say I was in an accident and I don't think I’ll be in.....but I don't remember much. The lady was honking because she didn’t have any brakes and knew she was going to hit us if we didn’t move……bad brakes???? And you know that???? And you still drive the car??? REALLY???

all said and done,, I was loaded in emsa and off to st Francis I go. I do remember that A) the back board the firefighters put me on -- wasn't secured. I was moving everywhere and I knew my shoulder in the back was in pain. B) the paramedic took one look at my meds and wrote me off. I guess emsa stopped running lights on non-emergency calls or what....but the EMT did find every pothole he could hit or so it seemed. C) the paramedic didn't talk to me or offer any comfort considering I’m strapped down and confined, in pain, panic and condescending that I’m hyperventing when I said my arm was tingling.....

so, the trip to the er was non eventful as expected. finally, got the backboard off and the er doc was nice and sent me to xrays --- meanwhile, April called her dad and he told her to go ahead and get checked out at stf too...and that he'd be there in a while. after getting back from xray - Brian (April’s dad) was there and let me know about April and glen were there. then Brent came in and he's actually working in the children's building on that project so he was in and out of the er......granted I’ve finally been given something for the pain (it's wasn't that great) and the xray came back with a broken rib...YEP broke the 11th rib in the back and stress on the 12th (not sure if it was broken but could be) --- also because the leg had nothing to do with the accident....everyone forgot about it including me....

finally after 6 hours in the er, we get home and I still have not been in my bags and Brent was going to Texas for the races on Friday....so had to dump all in a basket so he could use that suitcase.............then I crashed.....percuset was ok but I don't like it as much as hydrocodine. I had given Brent my work's number to call me in sick -- I didn't want to deal with them over me not being there! like the accident was my fault....anyway....

when I woke up I realized Brent was still home and he decided not to go because he wanted to be home if I needed something.....and the er dr did say someone should check on me in case the rib punctures the lung....like I didn’t know what to do and what would Brent do about that anyways........but it was nice that he decided to stay...I hadn’t seen him for a week!! kind of missed him too (and the girls/stewie)

so get through the weekend but my leg is definitely worse for wear...when I get to work -- it's like I have the plagued and that I get the looks that I’m stupid or something.....my supervisor keeps asking me why I didn’t' come in on Friday and I kept telling her I broke a rib in the accident and my leg was swollen (now very black and blue). I had made an appt on Wed to see Thomas because I already had an appt for the new psych that I have to see (another story again) but as I get through Monday mornings emails and stacks of paper on my desk – I get an email from my supervisor telling me that I have to be here all week because they are counting on me to do my job. Like I didn’t want to do my job???? REALLY give me a break but she was so serious. Then I emailed about my dr on Wednesday and bowden on Thursday and she emailed back that I really was needed at my station (???) and I should consult her before making any dr appt in the future….REALLY!

SO you know me, did the knee jerk and cancelled everything. Sucked up and did only what HAD to be done and kept to myself. When I called Bowden’s office and told Brenda to cancel me appt she kind of knows me when I’m upset and what did she do----transferred me into bowden (ummm) like I was ready to talk to him…..so of course he want’s to see me…duh…no brainer considering I’m slight basket case as if he didn’t already know from my emails and blogging. Hmm let’s see my issues can range from: Brent, mom, sister-in-law, people staying at my moms and me sleeping on a board, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, sister, neighbor, mom being weird….and let’s not mention past haunts that I so thought I would have time to deal with. And that’s just Maryland…..then back to Tulsa – plane travel/stuck in Memphis, WORK, Brent, accident, emsa-paramedic after realizing my “meds”…..WORK, no food in the house, back, leg, rib, leg…..

Whine, whine, and whine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t realize how pathetic this is rambling on but hopefully you get my sarcasms and misspellings and misuse of vocabulary. Ha

So here it is FRIDAY and I’ve been saving this email since Monday trying to complete it while I’m at my “STATION” and not desk….whatEVER.

I did get to go to Thomas PA late Tuesday afternoon and she did give me a shot in the muscle around the rib and that did help with the pain. Got more drugs or at least pain meds that work for me. And didn’t realize how seriously my leg was – torn calf muscle but since I flew the odds are greater for blood clots…..ok, I can’t take it anymore!!!!! So had to do an ultrasound. Since I haven’t heard back from Carmen I guess it wasn’t a blood clot….I just have a pretty bruise (and milking it at all cost as a martyr at work only because it really looks bad!!!)

So I’ve been at work (early) to prove a point I guess and stayed in my seat as much as possible……………..so now I’m working on how to work through the insurance claim and police report, emsa report, er visit/billing, etc……………………..yeah so much fun!

Ok – NOW HOW IS YOUR LIFE GOING???? You can tell me anything and I’ll believe it!!!!! or you can tell me I’m pathetic!! Ha either way – its all good!

FRIENDS?

back to the future

Yesterday - is a wind at your back
Today - is a gift
Tomorrow - is a promise of hope

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compare to what lies within us

Spirit

Truer than true; faster than fast; do it with GRACE...

Neither here or there...

Lost within my mind. I came back to MD yesterday and spent most of the time with her but now I'm on my own and the past is screaming in my head. I know, take captive of every thought. But my thoughts seem to be controled by my emotions. Emotions are on edge.

I miss my closet. I miss feeling safe. Emotionally...I really hope I can keep it together. Being here isn't about me. This weekend isn't about family. It's all about what looks right!

Home??

..."you only have one home...right? And even when you move away, it's where you think of when you think if where you belong."

So torn:
Mayland
West Virginia
Oklahoma

But where do I belong?

Milestone

As I leave one place behind I'm at lost at how to grieve. A buliding. A room. Looking for a glimice of hope. Contining to learn why I want to live in an unfair world. Where right from wrong has different degrees of crossing over that gray fuzzy line. Where my normal isn't reality. When all collided. My world suffocates me. Where breathing becomes optional and a choice I must choose to exist...where is GOD in all of this? Where is that faith that all will work out for the good. Milestone: I wouldn't be here if it weren't for two completely different people. A Christian counselor & a recovering addict sponsor

I am always left to my thoughts of 'what if I never met either one?

Winds of CHANGE!

i can't seem to handle too much change in my life right now. my house is a disaster zone....i’m so ready for school to be over but then again….that just means no students…I still have to work 7 to 4 every weekday…..escape, why?

WHY NOT!

life:

Living Is For Everyone...............

▸ noun:
the organic phenomenon that distinguishes living organisms from non-living ones

▸ noun: a characteristic state or mode of living ("Social life")
▸ noun: the course of existence of an individual
▸ noun: a motive for living

▸ noun: the period during which something is functional
▸ noun: the period between birth and the present time
▸ noun: an account of the series of events making up a person's life
▸ noun: the experience of living; the course of human events and activities

THERE HAS TO BE AN EXCEPTION!
LIFE sucks......God sucks....

I hate mother's day -- yes, i'm a daughter but i'm not a mom! what i always wanted to be when i grow up.

Bubbles

Escape in a tub full of bubbled

Darkness

Some would say I'm living in the dark...but how can they judge me?

Sometimes for me, the dark hides. I don't want to be found. I can't live in the light all the time. It's too much pressure/stress/anxiety. I just want to be left alone for a while and escape.

I woke I'm my closet with all my extremies tingling from the cacoon I created. Safe - darkness means safe. Darkness hides the bruises.

I'm tired.

WHY do things have to be done RIGHT now and HIS WAY only!!!!!!!

Can't physically COPE

everything is F.I.N.E!!!!!!

Lost but not found

Can't find my debit card and the money I took out. Ugh cancelled card just to be safe. Later this morning I'll move most of tbe money out of that Acct.

HOW STUPID AM I!!!!!!!!!

Fade into black

It's been a werid week and all started with one phone call. One call from someone I haven't heard in over 8 months.

Life seems to have it's little jokes. On every moment is surreal to drama. Emotional drama is what I see as my struggle with right now. Not to be absorbed into drama that isn't really mine. I took a step back and found safety in my closet. Curled up like a cat in a ball. Comfort Safe. Protected.

Hitting and tracking - tracking with hitting. Everything has a reason to hit. Me and
My environment. My thoughts. My life. My hope. My weakness. My non ability to avoid emotional drain.

DRAMA - even if I'm not creating it - I still find it and let it have it's way.

Why do I have to deal with how everyone interacts. Sometimes I wonder if I really a Good person??? Or am I just a sinner and no hope!

The closet calls!!!!!!!

Awake

Sanity is over rated

Food

Eatting everything for the wrong reasons!!!!

lalalalalalala

I AM SO PISSED OFF AT 3 teachers!!!!!!!
I hate their excuse for not fillout paperwork to leave campus during class hours. GRRRRRRR! I feel the anger building up to RAGE!

This is a time to put abba on my iPod and let it go before I start want to hit!!!!!

It Just REALLY PISSES ME OFF!

Brownie mix

Who cares whether it's baked. Batter is just as good or even better. Comfort chocolate!!!!!!!

Amazing

It shouldn't surprise me but yet again it still does. With a few words under a 100 for the last 24 hours my husband would turn the tv, turn the small fan off and the ceiling fan and then the light and left in the dark as I watch in my chair and without one word. I knew it was time for bed and the end of another day!

He talks more to the animals then me!

To be 12 again!!!

I've taken a friend's daughter with me on springbreak. She's the bomb!!! My knees are sore from walking, shopping and just farting around!

Ahhh what I would kill for a younger body. If I get to pick I want one that is forever thin!!

Life

After 4 days of being sick, I've step back into my world. And I see it spining! Am I ok? How do I feel? If my world isn't in caos, then what? Do I create a doomsday event? I'm puzzled at where am I? Limbo?

I saw twin baby girls today and that welp feel in my stomach just cried. I couldn't even tell my counselor. I more or less rambled today.

To important things: I "missed" med doses and took ambien. I have a hammer in my purse!!!

The Procedure

So how do you fail a colonoscopy? Did I start the prep too soon? Too late? Eat the wrong foods? Didn't mix the massave jug right? Missed the first night of lamictal 500mg seroquel 900mg. Welbutrin-googdy anti-depreashing. So for the next 12 hours I'm planng an experiment

Let seee HELLOOOOOOOOO
Sleep!!!!!!!

Breathing Exersizing

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. " Sleepless in Seatle

1 one-thousand
2 one-thousand
3 one-thousand
4 one-thousand (stop holding your breath)
5 one-thousand
6 one-thousand
7 one-thousand
8 one-thousand
9 one-thousand

This will be a long night. I had to call the big boss and tell him the can of worms I've opened. He was no happy and I don't know how I will react after it all comes out. It is a possblity to took the blame since I asked the question!

FYI

Something tempting --- I so want to escape from my life!!!!!!

If only.....

Just.......

Once I want to do the wrong thing!!!!
Really wrong!!!

(ambien would be wrong)

FAME

sometimes I wonder
where I've been
who I am
do I fit in
make believing
is hard alone
out here on my own

I do want to be ne any more right now. I just don't like who i am. It's not what I am. Pretending to be normal take way too much energy and living a lie is to share with others so the insanity continues to grow. Mind wonders from one place to another where can I go and who would help me. Crying seems to be the only thing I can control. Everything else is in complete calais abd the shame, guilt deserves punishment. Not as good as those around me or I just think mistakes is a form of defeat. Maybe I am unsafebut what do I do about that? If I don't tell then no body will show concern. Now the question is can I hold everything together for the next 5 days?????

Where is the off switch?

Can't stop thinking......good? The bad and the really ugly!

Un-Safe

....my life has become unmanageable... when I start sleeping with the enemy every night.... The very thing I don't want to avoid right now and yet it doesn't bring me comfort or relief...just guilt and shame. Insanity. Out if Control. No accountability. I felt alone in a crowded room full of friends who I would have thought knew there is something very wrong with me and my behavier yet not one...not one.

"I know nothing good lives in me..."

Who am I to judge if I'm safe? How will I know when I've crossed the line?

What Is Safe?

Safe...is when no one can touch you
Safe...is a place where there is protection
Safe...means there isn't immedaite harm
Safe....sAfe...saFe...safE....

Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?
Are You Safe? Am I Safe?

WAITING FOR THE ANSWER! but I haven't heard it yet? so What does that mean?

"Out of control" may (probably) = unsafe.

Well EVERYTHING hit the fan today

Ahhhhhhh

We on a mini break and I get back into the office to find that ALL my personal stuff out of site! My desk is to look non cluttered. NON-Cluttered or in other words I would put in as "no one works here"

Then

I was planning on working late tonight BUT than got a URGENT text that I MUST COME HOME!!! To clean up the kitchen from the dogs making a stinky mess that HE can't stand the smell.

Now that just means I have to go into work early!!!!!!!!

LIFE SUCKS!

Unworthy


I'm jittery and wide awake and not thinking very much about everything. Why can't I just go with the flow and not be so that when something goes wrong I can let it go?

HOW STUPID I FEEL SOMETIMES!

and sooooo afraid to admitt that to anyone! 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!

ARound & aRound

My world keeps spinning around everything is getting musher together where I can't seem to seporate one emotion from another. Than the feels go with my behavior - some logical, some distrubing!!! I want to get off but there isn't time! Where is my lifeline? Can't I just sink into nothingness? Right now I'm nor so sure I can make good choices! I DONT CARE!!!!!!!

Emotional Wreack

If it's just one thing I can handle.
If it's only two things, I can deal with it
If it's three thing, I can multi-task.
When it comes to over five, I cry at any thought of what to do first.

I wanted to OD on two dozen donuts but my co-workers wouldn't let me.

SORE

"Oh My Achening Dick"
In colleage we would say this when we were too tired to do just one more thing. I'd liked to use it now becase. My body hurts all over and if I had a dick it would hurt too!!!!!!!!

"so I walk up high
and I step to the edge
to see my world below
and I laugh at myself
while the tears roll down
cause it’s the
world I know"

life is dimmed

life is small

life is happy or sad

life is fair and unfair

life isn't lived on the sidelines

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. "

OMG

Oh how I hate funeral home "family" hour(s). And being stuck in a small space with in-laws and a dead body! Oh what joy!

Then tomorrow will be the funeral and it all starts over! There is not enough "anything" to get throuh this but time! I just want to sleep and by pass everything and everyone.

Sleep

Sleeping all day and into the night is over rated!! Becomes invisable!

Sinfullness

"the sinfullness of human nature, man's (my) deepest spiritual disorder, involves a quarrel with God"

A QUARREL W/ GOD! I would say that's true. I struggle w/ the way it seems my life is heading. Is that GOD's fault or mine? I've asked this forever and really haven't been given an answer to believe, hold on to...where IS GOD in all of this internal turnmorl?