Pickled okra & olives

What a combo...I never will understand how you can pickled anything and eat it. But living in Oklahoma, there is about anything possible. Sooooo HOw's today going? No floods of tears. So I guess this just a day.

Was able to go to church this morning. The only thing different about this morning is the fact that I went foward for prayer. If the meds aren't working something else has to. My sister wants me to go to West Virginia so I could experience the "healing room". I'm not sure I'm ready for that or even comfortable doing something like that. It took a lot of courage to walk up front. I did it last night at cr which was even harder. Getting up in front of people is just not high on my list. The anxiety is so strong. I just feel like I'm in a fish bowl. Ugh....that reminds me I have to go to work tomorrow.

Silence is Golden?

I don't know about that phase. It's been 24 hours with about 10 words spoken and about 5000 more words in mind that I should say. We went to the movies this morning. It was a sad story and it reminds me of a true story. "The end of the Spear" It wasn't a gory or scary movie which we tend to watch. But all emotions were there as a boy explained why he was back to the jungle he once lived. I like one of the last lines..."I took your father with my spear....and the son said "my father gave his life.." Makes the gift a willing participant. These 5 men knew they were going into a jungle with tribes that would kill them before knowing why. But 2 generations later, the families are one and open to trust.

I'm deafened by the silence. I could of grew up in silence but I was too much of an extervert. I love noise for the sake of noise. Maybe that's why it is so hard to understand how 10 words is communication. Last weekend, I went to Dallas to watch my sister get her education hood for her honors master's degree. (she was always the smart one in our family) I got to spend time with my mom (of course you can't hide things from your mother) There was nosie. There was lots of verbal communication.

After all that was said; My mom emailed me back on Monday with it was a great weekend but she got to see the small side of me when I'm realy out of it...she wrote in her email "I just want my little girl back" So it goes back to the silence...is it drug induced or just trying to keep everything together. I have to be strong. I have to believe I can do this. That's a whole other blog.

Is it bedtime yet...

This evening didn't go as planned. I don't know what's wrong but something is wrong with our ATM cards...we tried them and they didn't work. Rest assure there is money in the accounts...I just don't know why...and guess I won't find out until 9:00 am tomorrow morning when I go to the bank. So that leaves me with a very "unhappy" husband who's already turned in for bed. He doesn't care one way or another what I do I think. Taking a bubble bath helped me but then it's only 8:30 pm and so tempting to go ahead take my meds and let me sleep...but the biggest question is when will I wake up!! I've got to be strong, can't show weakness. I can do this. I can.

Good Friday

Well, it's amazing what 24 hours can do for the body. Although I don't think I'm 100 percent. I still don't think the Doctors are correct about it being cause by my gastric bypass. Something else is at work and I think it's some of the medications that I'm on.

I did lunch pretty well. Had lunch with a friend from church. She and I talked about everything and it was good to get out and see different people. I need to make it a habit of going to church there more often. I really like the pastor too.

My husband and I are planning to go to the movies tonight. That sounds like a nice "date" since he's been mad at me over yesterday. I still don't understand how he blames himself of my medical problems. Then it's off to dinner, being that he's back on the high protien diet, were going to the waffle house. It's ok...but I don't think I could work there and still eat there. It's not the cleanest place around. haha

A flood of Drought...

on the outside it's dry and hot but on the inside it's drenched and pruened...when will this ever end. Is it tijme enough or late enough to take my meds and just go to sleep. That's all I want to do...is sleep but then is that really a good option. When I am asleep it's not the greatest thing either. Weird dreams...have I lost myself. The hopelessness is so emptyness. How are you supposed to fill the wholes? There's no book or class that answers all the questions. Living for the next dose so that I have to play by their rules or else..

Ruby Tuesday

Second day in a fish bowl...and I'm keeping it together or am I. All I really want to do is cry. I'm not sure why or about what but I just want to sit down and cry. After coming home...early, I just cuddled in bed with Josie & Heidi until my husband got home then I had to fix dinner (well take out should be considered "fixing dinner") My husband doesn't understand the crying...it makes him feel bad too. So I have to try and hold it in just because...I feel like I'm so much on the edge and ready to jump again...and it's only been two weeks since the last plunge...I can't afford to do that again but that's the only thing stopping me.

Seeing the shrink last night didn't help...he changed my drugs a little bit...but didn't help with the tears...they come and go in waves and I wonder if I'm just creating a ocean of my own. And I'm all by myself -- I don't understand how do I expect others to understand. My sponsor thinks I'm just needing to trust God just a little bit harder, my accountability partner is continuely praying for me...not sure if that's a help! Then there is my counselor who I didn't get to see this week. I know he'd say hang in there...

They say tears are made up of different chemicals for each specific tear. Sad tears are different then painful tears - all I know is my tears are salty and my eye lids are so sore. I must make a perfect sight. Thank goodness I wear glasses so I can hide some of the puffyness.

Did you miss me...

is a question I asked my dog, cat and husband. I'm not sure about any of thier response. As I would classified this weekend as a good weekend. I got to spend time with my mom and sister. We went shopping, went out to eat and had the "heart to heart" talk before bedtime...Not sure my mom knows everything (not that I want her to know everything I think...I just would feel like I've disappointed her) But I was honest with what questions she asked. Today started off with saying goodbye to my mom. I already miss her and I didn't really spend that much time (maybe 48 hours) Plus I think my meds didn't really settle really well this morning. I was tired and slept mostly on the plane. My husband met me at the airport and was great to see him but with me being gone from the house I'm afraid he's becoming less and less dependent on me to do stuff. He now can do laundry and feed himself. I think he even went to the grocery store. How amazing. Ok so back to the question "Did you miss me?" Dog - yes Josie snuggled down with me in the afternoon when I took the forbidden nap (I was still tired from this weekend) The Cat - Heidi has been cuddling in my lap all day which is really unusal for her. I like it. I'm glad she's there! I've actually takened pictures just to prove later on that she isn't as independent as I think! ha The Husband - Brent...he's content to watching a marathon of tv while I was underneath a mound of covers. We're trying to watch a football game but you really couldn't call it a game...Seattle is just kicking Carolina's ass...Learned today only about 3 weeks before the Nascar Season Starts all over...

Now the real question I have to answer is "who is me" for them to miss? I start back to work tomorrow and how is that going to go? I see my dr tomorrow night to do a med check...on top of all that, we're refiniancing our house payment. Then it's off to Tuesday with a visit to my counselor...can I keep it real until then? What is real? or what makes sense?

Out of Control

Well, it's been a while since I could blog. A part of me is anxious about readjusting into my life again. I've been at rest (sort of) for the last 10 days. This was a different experience. I actually had other people who didn't know me actually care about me and what I was thinking. I didn't feel like I was 38 anymore but I didn't know what age I was. I had time to reflect on who I am. I was journalling about what was going on each day almost like a daily diary which I've never done that before. Maybe I'll type it out and turn it into a blog-a-thon...but that's for another time and another place (blog)!!

So who is in control? what is control...right now...I'm in control...I'm anxious about this weekend. I'm going to my sister's graduation and I haven't seen my family for about 3 years. First of all, they haven't seen me since I've lost so much weight. Secondly, I'm still alot emotional that I'm afraid I'm not going to keep it together for long. The last 10 days showed me how much I am fragile. I cry and probably always will cry. To top of the weekend my brother-in-law surprised me that he wanted to pay for me to fly to Dallas instead of me driving. He doesn't know how difficult this weeks have been and I guess I appreciate it. That's pretty hard for me because I really don't get along with my bil. He really makes fun of me and it does hurt my feelings so how I'm supposed to take him this weekend is going to be interesting. I thought I might be up front and say...I can't take it but then I'd have to explain or maybe I don't. Only time will tell.

The 4 white walls....

actually there was one wall that was a dark aqua/green for accent but for all purpose and intent it was a basic room. Desk, dresser and bed, window and drapes. This has been my prison for the last 7 days. Some days being locked out of it for 10 hours and some days open where I could curl up into a ball on my bed. It was a safe place or the safest place I have ever been in my life! So hard to imagined that I just took 8 days out of my life to be in a safe place where there was no hard core decisions or life or death aftermaths to deal with.

ten reasons for a bloody mess

1. 
   Right index fingernail – lost it during the TX/USC game. I don’t know why I was so anxious about a game. I guess I just didn’t want to see USC win AGAIN!
   Right middle fingernail – Work. Just playing it with my teeth and snap…there goes that nail.
   Right ring fingernail – on a roll why stop
   Pinky fingernail – ouch! It’s really attached to the bed of my nails…that one is going to have to heal for at least a week before I can get a new set.
   I still have my right thumb nail. I don’t have the desire to chew that nail. It’s just there. The other 4 are painful enough all by themselves but together, puts on a whole new wave of torture.
   Can I keep my left nails safe? Or should I just continue the self destructive pattern and be done with the whole topic.
   There is always the option of soaking the acrylic off and “gently” cut the nail down to a reasonable length (not bleeding)
   I still pick at the acrylic left on the nail beds of the 4 decapitated nails.
   Such a pretty sight.
   Now I just need that acetone to rub into the open wounds for a 3rd degree level of pain!

Personal Crisis

or is it a personality crisis? I don't know the difference any more. I'm doing all the right things but they all seem so wrong. I'm jittery this afternoon. Still taken care of a sick husband (has the flu and thinks he's dying) to doing 3 loads of laundry, dishes in the sink...and gerenal house cleaning stuff (I stopped at vacumning!) And I still need to clean out the kitty litter...ewwwweee.

"I'm doing all the right things...and it seems so wrong" where does that logic come into play? Where does that leave me? "I'm doing all the right things" how do I know they are the "right" things in the first place? Do I deserve to be out among others? I'm I just crazy in my head and outward appearances are projecting a better imagine that I can't live up to? Why then does "it seem so wrong" to be doing what people tell me is right?

You know there is one thing I know is still wrong....I haven't really had anything to laugh about. I mean I really miss the chance to laugh without thinking about it. I actually have a very unique laugh but I haven't heard it in so long...is it still there?

I know it's just the afternoon but I'm trying to decide whether or not to go out tonight. I'm still in my pj's. I need to go to the store and get some more soup for my husband....and will he want me to be gone from him if I do go to this meeting.

Why do I dread the meeting? I know I'm not any better then some that are there...but I just don't think anyone gets me there. They don't know how bad I really am...I may seem to have it all together....but I don't. It goes back to personal crisis. Can I just hold on to one more day?

Deal or No Deal

It's a funny show of the remake Let's make a deal...one person gets a chance to win 1 million dollars...step by step each level you open a case with a dollar amount Isn't that what each day brings us. Deal or no Deal! Do you give in to the sure thing or wait for something better to come along which might be better then settling or it could be worse. Which one is life? Which one is living? No Deal....I say that again....NO DEAL!!!!!

To Be...

The first day back to work in a new year...seems like I've never left. Nothing exciting to report happening but it was still stressfull. Why do I make such simple tasks so stressfull? Lunch was more of a liquid diet...couldn't seem to keep anything in my small stomach...it just didn't like anything I presented. Had to shoot for some sugar around 2...noticed a difference. After work, my husband requested itailian food so I stopped off at Zio's ....yum I found something I could eat. Now my anxiety is running high. It's football game...the one game I really don't care who wins well I don't want to see usc...so I have to cheer for TX. The sweaty palms, the clinch jaw...who's going to win. (I know, I know this is JUST a game!) Trying really hard not to chew on my other nails. I still have one that's pretty bloody -- can't put a new nail on until I let it heal. Can't let it heal if I keep picking at it.

Resolutions

So do you set resolutions while in depression? If it would be just that simple...I resolved not to be depressed!!! Ok that's solved move on to the next thing. Isn't there always a new thing to replace what was there before. Can I resolve to live in the present, accepting things as they are and not overact to others and how they relate to me? Maybe not be so selfish, that its all about me syndrome...my life, my story, my perceiption.