One, Two...tie my shoe...

Well, I did a stupid thing last night...wanting not to stay home, I decided that being out in the heat was so much better (wasn't thinking clearly to begin with) So I went to a church softball game. I was good in the sense I brought a drink, wore light clothes, etc...but as I got out of my car with everything in hand and the promptly shut my locked door that I realized I had forgotten to take my keys out of the ignition. OMG!! I guess I wasn't a complete moran...I had my cell phone and had to call my hubby and ask him to bring me the spare set...needless to say, he wasn't a happy camper about it!

Today is the last day for instructors to be on campus. So everyone is busy getting checked out. It will sure be quite once most people are gone. Then came the real truth...I just couldn't do something that I felt was wrong...so I've spilled the beans about going to Colorado. (actually not everyone knows it in Colorado but that infor or selective info for some. The less details the less questions. So it's now unoffically out there (offically when I get my paperwork all done and turned in!)

Telephone Etiquette...

"Hello, may I assist you?" "How may I help you" "Would you like for me to transfer you to that person?" "I'm sorry I don't know that answer, Can I take a message and have someone call you back who knows that information?"

AAAAhhhhhhhh I'm at the switchboard answering phones in a polite and helpful manner. (well, when it's ringing...I guess I should be thankful it's not ringing that much or did I just jenks myself!)

Productive Member of society...

Ok...lately I'm not much of a tv watcher but I've got just a few shows that entice me to watch. One is The 4400. I don't know if it's the science fiction or if it could be possible...it just means we were all created for a purpose. My purpose from the government standard would mean I am the perfect productive member of society...I work, I pay taxes, I spend money (most of the time too much), and I my own (mortaged) home. Even on the personal/emotional side I guess I'm functioning at least at average or better...(means I'm not sitting by the window drooling but doesn't mean I don't want to do that sometimes!) Physically...I could exercise more and loss a few more pounds but for the most part...I'm health...don't get me wrong...I have the usually aches and pains and sometimes then some...I also have the distructive side but that's for another time and another place...with co-dependant tendancies...I sometimes wonder what is the society I'm trying to be a productive memeber of? Do I really want to fit in and not be notice? Am I just living on the sidelines or visitor's stands just watching life play out? When did I decide to give up playing? Do I want to play? All these thoughts from a tv show with little reality bases and me trying to personalize it to fit into what I perceive my little world could/might/should be. How bizzar!

Keeping it real...

I'm struggling with keeping things real and simple. I let too many little things turn in to mountains. If only I could stay on course and really keep going...I guess I do keep going by each moment that passes. By Saturday I had worked myself into a big panic...just didn't want to be in my own skin...didn't want to be around people...thought about going to the batting cages but that's around people...so the next best thing (or new thing) I went to the park in my neighborhood. It was quite...it was relatively free of people...and there was a swing set...I think I rocked back and forth for about an hour until I was calm enough to go home...but not as calm as I should have been before I went home...

Butterflies and kisses...

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Just living is not enough...one must have sunshine, freedom and a little
flower.

Butterflies go through a period of ugliness and awkwardness. Likewise, it's very
awkward to go through life with extra baggage. The bodies of caterpillars appear
very awkward with the extra legs and body sections they carry. Their bodies
almost look like extra cars on a train. However, after a period of time, and
intense solitude and construction, a beautiful work of art emerges. If someone
would intricately view a caterpillar, we would never guess that eventually it
would become a butterfly. Also, on the otherhand, looking at a butterfly, you
would never guess it¹s previous state of ugliness.

I'm planning a trip to Colorado the end of July and I've been looking for things to do when I'm not working on issues. So I came across a place in Denver called the Butterfly Pivilion where there are over 1000 butterflies flying around free throughout the year. I think it would be cool to see. So I found some inspirations by googling and wanted to share what structed me as amazing. Now I can't wait for the moment of seeing this site. I know right now I don't feel much like a butterfly...maybe a moth but maybe I'm still in that awkward stage (again) and change is good and just around the other side.

Things that go bump....

Well, yesterday was a pretty good day even being around a lot of people. As I was making my way home in what so many people call traffic (I'm from Maryland...Tulsa doesn't have traffic! ha) I had to stop at the Walgreen and get medication then go by Albertson's for dinner. Well, I guess I got ahead of myself. As I was merging off 169 onto 31st...I was watching traffic coming from the west and my car rolled into the truck in front of me....BAM! #$@$$ I just couldn't believe I hit the truck in front of me. He motioned me to following into the parking lot. (of course as soon as we turned he stop in the middle and I almost hit him again!) All I could think is I know this is my fault and know how much it will cost to fix my bumper.....oh the fretting...I get out of my car and look at my bumper and I didn't see any damage...hmmm I know it was a good BAM so I looked again...but I couldn't find any damage...The guy was getting back into his truck and he didn't have any damage to his truck...he said he was ok and then he left. Me still shaking after the incident...was left standing in the parking lot really confused. I then again rechecked my front bumper.....same as before. I guess God was taking care of even my bumper yesterday because that was the last thing I needed to deal with. You know the funny thing is I haven't told anyone about it but thought I would blogg it. Go figure. If I tell my husband, it will give him the anmo to tell me not to be so aggressive when I drive (again...I learned to drive in Maryland-- He thinks driving at 60 in 65 zone is better! ha) After all this, I keep remembering a dream I had earlier this week...and it was about a car accident (but not my fault) so I hope that doesn't come true!

Girlie Girl....

Ok...wouldn't describe myself as a girlie girl...I don't get into makeup...I don't have to have the latest fashion...I'm not hip on all the terms (I still used what I used in like in high school -- dating myself!) Yesterday one of my Wal-mart runs, I discover some really cute sandals...ok flip flops or what ever the new term it is for them! Cheap, right size, right color (black). Got back from lunch and had to wear them...(taking off my socks and bagging up the other shoes I was wearing to take home) I can believe such a little thing like finding cute shoes could make me happy...but I'll admit it...it did. Well, that's not the end of this story by far....so hang on.

I went to my step study group and since no one else did their homework for the week, it was decided that we all go over to a b-day party/cookout for a 3 year old....ok crashing a 3 year old's birthday party wasn't my idea but I thought hey, I'm out for the night might as well join some friends (it's not like I get this chance often!). Well, there where kids, dogs, adults and you name it over at this house. In the mist of it all was a very happy 3 year old girl being the princess of the party! After things were winding down, the little girl started to really look at all the "STUFF" she had gotten...low and behold there was a package of shoes...I mean there must have been 12 pairs of little girl dress up shoes with heels. Pink ones with fuzzy, blue ones with flowers, purple ones with ribbons..etc you get the picture. So this b-day girl and one of her friends had to try on all of these shoes and walk and jump and see how much noise they make on the tile...this were definitely girlie girls....or soon to be! The joy on their faces and the excement of have so many to choose was the best thing for me to watch. Because in my own way...I know what they were experiencing was the same feeling I had just that afternoon. But I didn't know that until I was watching these girls play. I forgot what joy feels like. I'm glad I was reminded.

The Tulsa Zoo....

Well, last Saturday my girlfriend and I decided we were going to spend time with each other and we picked the Zoo as a location. We don't always get a chance to get out together (husbands) but when we do it's like we've been in touch with each other every day. I miss talking to her lately. Anyways....the Zoo....we went there for the purpose of seeing the Koalas but were more entertained by the polar bear and lions. The polar bear with first on our site seeking tour...and was the funniest thing you see. He was playing with a ball and jumping on top of it...it really was cute and funny but you'd have to been there to enjoy it. The other interesting thing was the lions. The female lion was playing in the pond and caught a fish which tumbled down from the pond on to the concret. (not a happy fish) The lion went down to see this fish. She would try to pick it up but the fish was flipping all around. I think in one of her attempts to eat it she got that fishy taste because the next thing you saw was her trying to hack up a fur ball.....BIG FUR BALL! ewwwwww But it was cute and interesting. We saw the usually anmials and even chuckled at the fact there was anmials in captivity that we see every day....(black snake, crickets, etc) Overall it was a great day. We sat down in the middle of the park and had a good heart to heart honest discussion. It was good for both of us and reminded me why I want to keep this friendship.

Pruing....

Well, trying to find something to do other then watching tv...I sat out on my back porch and low and behold my rose bush was calling to me to prue off the spring blossoms that have so faded so long ago...well, it got a hair cut and then some...I might have prue a little too much but in the long run it will do well the second part of the summer. It smelled so good cutting the stems. Just like it was a blossom...I've always wonder why I can still smell it even though I've already been in side for a while. Ok...now here's when the lightening bolt woke me up...God's still pruing in me and ouch when it comes too close to reality. A friend wrote in her email to me something that is so true for me as well about counseling. She said "I would usually leave there a bit bummed that my "bubble" of my perception had been popped by the intrusion of reality! " Is reality in itself the shears or is that just the direction and we cause the severing? Just maybe what has been pruned away from my life will still leave a fresh new beginning and something to hold on to for the future.

Boundaries....

Where does boundaries start? and how to keep them once they've been set? I don't have a lot of boundaries...I like to think I consider others when making my decisions and how that decision will effect them. I think setting boundaries is like making the statement "it's all about me and this is what I exspect". I know I need to do this sometimes...I just don't do it all the time. I set boundaries with my co-workers. There are some I don't want to be around but I'm a team player...I just wouldn't choose them for a best friend. I really don't think I have a really close friend at work but I do have one I don't mind sharing some personal stuff with. I guess that's good. I guess I really don't have a clear understanding of what I should and shouldn't set as a boundary. That leaves me open to be used. I don't think people do it on purpose...well some do...but I guess I'm a giver and I just don't know when to stop and say enough is enough. Therefore I'm mad at myself most of time when I don't convey a boundary that should of be set. I should be a stronger person then what I am. I just want to be accepted and I fear rejection. There it is....that's my boundary....fear of rejection. I'll do anything as long as you don't reject me. Now's the part where I have to get over that fear...but how?

Lemmings....

Ok...back in the early 90s my husband had a super intendo which I bought games for and have since took over that machine since the creation of playstation 2.....well, I dug out a very old game call Lemmings....what are lemmings?

Lemming suicide is fiction. Contrary to popular belief, lemmings do not
periodically hurl themselves off of cliffs and into the sea. Cyclical explosions
in population do occasionally induce lemmings to attempt to migrate to areas of
lesser population density. When such a migration occurs, some lemmings die by
falling over cliffs or drowning in lakes or rivers. These deaths are not
deliberate "suicide" attempts, however, but accidental deaths resulting from the
lemmings' venturing into unfamiliar territories and being crowded and pushed
over dangerous ledges. In fact, when the competition for food, space, or mates
becomes too intense, lemmings are much more likely to kill each other than to
kill themselves.

The object to the game is to save as many lemmings as you can before the committ "suicide" in other words they are to stupid not to jump off a cliff after someone else just did! hmmm that trait sounds fimilar. Besides it's just nice to know I can nuke them all and start over! the power! the CONTROL and it's all about control with me!

Knot Funny....

Ok...a little sense of humor is coming back...but I've been reliving my crafting days of tieing knots making friendship bracelets or bookmarkers....have to keep my hands busy or else I start to fidget...fidgeting makes me more anxious. I do find I am grinding my teeth more and more this days but I have a night guard I were to bed. I know what does that have to do with knots.

Knots are actually pretty in their own little way. It's two knots per string and I've been doing about 2 bracelets a day. (really bored). So I think I'm getting away from the knitting and doing the knotting...what will be next to tidy over my mindless work.

Cottage Cheese and strawberries...

doesn't sound so good but it sure taste good. Guess I can be glad I haven't lost the love of food....haha Not to mention I had my quota for bananas already. Guess that's eatting healthy somewhat...(have to get some chocolate every now and then!)

Good things that happen today: I did some filing that took up most of my morning and then I was in an outlook class (boring) that took up most of the afternoon. I still haven't met my boss but he's promising to come in tomorrow and I guess will start there. Showed my new mounting with my wedding set. Since I've lost so much weight I had to get my rings resized. I went from a 11 to a 7 1/2. It is one of those things that I've been meaning to do and saved to do I just never got around to doing it. So for some reason I just had to do it last Saturday and I got my ring back this past Saturday. I really like it. I'm glad I did it even though it was a spontanous decision.

Not so good things: I kind of had an anxiety fit while sitting in class today. Had to get up and leave and come back I was better but it was a lot to take especially since it was so boring. (I think I knew more about outlook then the instructor!) Even though I'm having much better days I'm still doing something very very wrong and out of control. I can't seem to get it back under control no matter what I do...(well that's not true...I could give something up that would make it less convienient but I've even found a way around that too!) Does that mean I can't stop? Does that mean I don't want to stop? What is my real motive for continuing to do this? Do I really belong around people? Do I really belong anywhere/somewhere? I feel so lost but I'm not sure I want to be found or what I'll find is any better! I'm thinking I'm going to go hide in my closet with the door closed...

Reality Check...

hmmm what is my reality? Is it emotions...because I'm stressed, anxious, and worried most of the time...do I cause my own reality to be distorted? Yes, it goes back to that all or nothing. God, that phrase is in my head and bouncing around... landing on way too many situtation that fix the mombo jobo and makes me have to think a little harder to be so witty.

[Editor choice to change my mind in the wrong direction. I should of done this before I took my meds]!

Red Lights...

As I was driving home from work and then the bank/resturant...I ran at least 3 red lights. Mind you I didn't do it on purpose, I just was going too fast in time to stop. OK two were pink but one was definitely red. As I look back in my rear view mirror to see if I'd been caught by a police car, I thanked God that I made it through. I then ventured out one more time to do a strawberry run (for short cake desserts) at 9:00pm. This time I came through the intersection where I really ran the red light and there was a major accident involving at least 3 cars. It was bad. If someone a passenger in one of the cars I seriously doubt they made it just by looking at the damage car. That could of been me. I was being so wreckless earlier, it hit me that I could have cause something this bad by just running a red light. How I thought at that moment was if it was me, I hoped it would of killed me because I wouldn't want to see how bad I hurt other people with my carelessness. Now I'm doing the what if senarios and I just needed to remind myself that it didn't happened like that; that everything was ok and that God for some reason was watching out for me. Watching out for me. You mean I'm not an exception to his love? It goes back to my previous posting...all or nothing. God loves all and sometimes I feel like a nothing.

thoughts bouncing around my head...

Had a wise old man (well he is not that old but wisdom sounds better when you say old man) shared a bit of information with me yesterday that I've been thinking about all night.

Distorted thinking:

1. awfulism
2. all or none

Visual aids:

1. In every situtation lately that I've had I'm looking and dwelling on the worse case outcome. It takes me longer to figure out that it's not as bad as I imagined it to be or there are things happening that are good.

2. I'm still struggling with this concept because I don't see the gray shades of things. Shouldn't it be either black or white. So I'm still pondering this part. [edit addition] After thinking about this and all...I do see all my life I've had the all or nothing attitude. With singing, if it didn't feel right, I didn't sing (all or nothing); if it were sports, I wasn't good enough, I managed; My mom sewing, too hard to compete with her so I didn't want to learn to sew; If people didn't like me, I tried all I could to get them to like me...failing in the end! Now I'm doing it was counseling...it's all or nothing is going to work...I don' t see true progress so why should I keep trying? Will I ever be resonably happy again? It's all or nothing. How do you get to the point where you can see the shades of gray in every situtation? Is the glass half empty or half full?

Following up with WHO'S MAD AT ME!

IN-LAWS...I've managed to piss at least 5 people of within a matter off an hour last night.

1. My mother-in-law: trying to get her to understand that the "boys" were wanting to do something for her & dad's 50th anniversary. I thought she should have some say and for it not to be a surprise since she really doesn't feel all that great -- actually neither does my father-in-law.
2. my sister-in-law (married to the second oldest son): Calling her last night after talking to my mother-in-law and conveying her wishes...my sister-in-law informed me that she doesn't want to be a part of the planning after she had talked to the third oldest brother.
3. my brother-in-law (the third oldest son): wanted to know why I was chewing him out for not being serious about having a party for his parents. Not to mention he had me on speaker phone was a real trip. I'm sure his wife was listening to it too. So I told him about my mother-in-law's wishes and that he would need to get along with his other 3 brothers to work on this. He asked why I thought they didn't get along...to long of many situtations that always happen at family function where one of the brothers leaves upset.
4. my brother-in-law (the oldest son): Called him and was talking to him about what my mother-in-law had suggested especially waiting until after they got back from their vacation (some time in August). While I was talking to him...here come's my husband (youngest son) and he's talking under his breath why I'm making all these calls and why I thought it was my place to bitch them out for not being serious. He then went on to make some generally mean comments.
5. my husband (the youngest son): who was the first to realize that this would be their parents 50th and thought everyone should do something. Now he regrets ever starting any of this...we had a huge fight...and went to bed without really talking about it!

So stress, IN-LAW's, what's a girl to do. Why does it always have to be so complicated? I'm so close to the edge I just wished a strong wind would blow hard enough to push me over!

Who am I now mad at?

Now, ok, this is starting to sound like one of my journal entries...why would I want to share it with a bunch of strangers...because no one around seems to want to hear it from me AGAIN! So let’s get back to the question; WHO AM I MAD AT?

a church acquaintance - she's busy with her family...I do kind of envey. She's
try to reach out these past few weeks but I just can't seem to open up to her as
much as I did. Maybe I'm afraid if I tell her everything then she will not like
me. (I really know that's not true)

my pastor church #1 - he's too quiet and surreal to even know how I'm
thinking...he doesn't like all the therapy and drugs and the thought of me going
to a treatment center -- he just thinks it's a bad idea. I mad at him because I
do value his judgment. (it's not like I can rely on my own judgment) I was
hoping for more support from him. Of course I've emailed him too but I know he
is computer ill-literate! I'm not holding my breath with a response from
him!

my pastor church #2 - poured out to him what I'm trying to seek about God and
he's a godly man which makes me mad that he doesn't have all the answers to my
questions! Besides I think he's a little werid out by me so he really doesn't
find me to talk to me...it's not like I try to talk to him either!

my accountability partner - she's on vacation and hasn't really read any emails.
I've actually haven't met her yet in person. I've tried to stay after the early service a
couple of time but I hear she's not really an on time person. But that's ok I
have gotten to know her through the internet. At time she makes me mad about how the way she talks about prayer. I just don't have that connection with God
that she seems to have...it's a struggle...like I've said in the past
sometimes...the more I prayed the angrier I got.

my sponsor - she took my drugs thinking I'd do something really stupid; she
hasn't emailed me (and I've emailed at least 2 times); and she hasn't called me
back after I left her a vm. Ok...if she was really worried about the drugs...I
thought she would check up on me a little more then 3 days later. It really
feeds the false belief that I'm really not worth other people’s time. That I
need to be activity perusing them; am I just a pest that no one wants to be
around?

my counselor - he just doesn't seem to get what is going through my head; I
can't seem to put the right words together for it to even come out to where I
understand. It makes me mad that he can't read my mind (I know I can't control
this -- but it still makes me mad) He hasn't updated his blog yet. I'm tired of
reading the others entries...I read them way to often but I like his dry sense of humor!
At least I can laugh at him! I want to email him more then I do but he keeps all
my emails in my file...it's getting too thick! I now have to censor what I
absolutely have to email him the rest I just try to get through
it.

my husband - he just doesn't get me either. All I really want from him is a hug
and tell me everything is going to be ok...(break river of tears flowing and
can't type at the same time) That I don't have to do everything myself; that
we're in this together and that he loves me still even with the flood of tears!
I think I know the man feels this way but could he just needs to verbalize it almost
every day! I really need to hear it!

God - he seems so far away and I can only blame myself because it's not God
keeping me away from him it's me! I'm still pretty upset that he doesn't think
I'd be a good mother. that must be the reason I can't carry a child. ok upset is
a mild term....I'm more like ticked off if I can say that about God without
getting hit by a lighting bolt!

Then of course that brings me back to the last person I'm the most angry at; MYSELF! I hate the way I feel (emotionally). I hate the way I look (even though I've lost all this weight I still see that I'm a fat woman -- just not as fat); I'm mad at the way I treat people - I have no patience especially if it isn't done the way I think is right. Why does it matter if its done right or just done...I guess I only see it as right or it's wrong! I think I have no self control and my counselor told me I had a great amount of self control because of one of my destructive coping skill. I can do it with control til well after it hurts/pain. It's like my badge of shame I put on to keep reminding myself how mad I really am at other, God, and myself.

Monkey Shine....

seems to be the saying on campus these days...not quite sure where it came from but it's at least making life just a little more bareable...

Monkey Shine is a whimsical little beast, who loves to play games, but
sometimes has trouble staying focused on the task at hand. He is very
inquisitive and may bug you to death at times with his questions!
Monkey Shine is the silly little guy you may catch standing in on someone
else's group photo. He has no clue who the people are, but sees
everyone smiling and figures that's the place to be. Not really a
party animal, he's just drawn to the laughter.

we're just going to denie yesterday ever exsisted and be done with that mood!

Freaky Monday

Ok its been one of those 24 hours…and stretching into another. I guess my sponsor didn’t like the thought processes I was having last night. She came over to my house and got all my medication bottles and left me with just a week supply! How do I feel about that? Well, at least she didn’t take my mallet! (censored -- sorry too much information)

So why did I allow my sponsor to take my medications? One to show her trust; Two it made her feel better about the situation; Three, is another story.

Two thoughts in one day...

hmm had another thougth that just wanted me to type right in. I was thinking of the two sermans I heard today (I know you think 2 sermans -- I'm searching so I'm participating well going to 2 completely different churches...) But anyways...the themes were similar but yet different on how it was presented. (go figure - 2 completely different people!) I as sat in the second serman...I started to think about a complex question. What if God really spoke to me and what would I want him to say directly to me? And if I could ask one acheivement for him to grant me what would that be as long as it glorified him? Let's just break these three questions down!

What if God really spoke to me directly?

Oh my God...I must be in really trouble! ha I don't know that he doesn't speak
to each person in different ways. Mostly through others but also through his
word (guess I really need to read a little more!) I think I would be shocked that he'd actually take his time to bother with me. I don't mean I'm a bother but you know there are other people out there that really need his attention! I don't think I'm a lightening bolt away! Maybe it would get my attention and bring me out of this gloom I've been living in for so long it seems.

What would I want him to say directly to me?

Tell me where the way out of this life is going to be. Or that his plan is this and to get there to this. I him to be precise and to the point. I don't want to have a lot of choices. I want to know the expectations and how to accomplish what he wants out of me. I want to know that I matter to him that he really truly loves me for me who I am even now as I question him and my being!

And if I could ask for one acheivement for him to grant; what would that be as long as it glorified him?

Ok...this one is a little be of a fanatasy or dreaming (wild imagination). I used to think when I was a kid wouldn't it be cool to get a chance to be in the oymplics (mind you I'm not good at any sport) but I know all things are possible through God...so therefore that's where this question rest...ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH GOD (but I do know not all things are permissable -- but let me dream once in a while) I thought about be a great gyminist, ice skater, movie star and mother teresa...yeah that's a stretch! But you know one passion (if you call it that these days) would be the first NASCAR women to make it in the field. God could do that...I could be a great example of allowing God to rework me...maybe I'd actually like going to work every day! I like to go fast! I like to drive...I could do it 500 laps or miles...no problem! I've even thought of the potential sponsors I could get...churches from around the nation, christian organizations, relief groups...charities that don't get much recognition...and yet not charge for it because I would be winning enough to pay for what I only need. I don't think I want the money (it would be nice but I don't have to have money), I would need an accountability team to keep me grounded in the glory to God so that my pride wouldn't take over. Yes, I can see it now...Look out Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart...I'm coming through and I've got God on my side as my crew chief!

Perseverance...

I something feel like giving up the struggles. I try to work it out on my own; which usually leads me to fail once again. It's like "Simon saids" game -- two steps forward; one huge stumble backwards. I condemn myself for failing and fear that even God may give up on me. At times there are so many difficulties, so many issues to work through, so many patterns in my life that have to be changed, that I begin to feel as if I'm going crazy! What first; when; where; and how do I start? I recognized my sins of rebellion but actively changing that I haven't began. Is because I think I can't do it? I don't think so. Is it because I don't think God can do it? Partly Is it because it's going to be hard? Yes...Why does everything have to be so hard in life? I can only express that the harder it is for me the better I learn not to do it again. I think I've harden my heart towards the love of God...Not because I don't want to experience his love but because it only seems like love causes pain. I don't find the joy that used to come with love. Opening my heart exposes it to all kinds of evil that allowing access generates more pain then I think I can bare. Maybe that's why my prayer life isn't much of a life now like it used to be. Sometime the more I prayed the more angrier I got. I know that's not how prayer is supposed to be. What in the world am I thinking that makes me so angry with God to where I'm separating myself away from God? Is it ok to be angry at God? And is my reasoning truly pure and honest with anger? I recognized that I'm human and therefore I can't be honest and truly pure....Only through Christ can I be acceptable to God...But do I live that thought? not always...

Dizzy...but calm...

Had already 2 incidents where I've almost passed out in the stores....It's such a weird feeling like a tunneling into pitch blackness and not being able to hear....oh I don't know if it was the heat today (it was warm especially in long sleaves) or because I was standing on my feet too long. Might be the new medication that was added but I really haven't had any symptoms until today and I start that on Thursday. Oh well. Looking forward to the concert tonight just hoping I don't land on the floor. ha

A little ray of sunshine...

As my world is turned upside down one more time...I struggle to see the positive side of this new situation. Work as I see it, is no longer in the classroom with students but back behind an office cubical in the middle of everywhere! Maybe it will be the challenge I need. Maybe this is one of my strenghts...it's growing on me or at least the anxiety medication is working! As a treat or maybe a visual reminder of things that are pretty, I bought 24 yellow roses at sam's to brighten up my desk corner. Something to stare at instead of staring out to space and possible freaking out my new fellow co-workers.

Yellow roses signify strong feelings of pure joy, gladness, happiness and
friendship. Friendship is the main meaning of the yellow rose but it also
signifies familiar love and domestic happiness. Yellow roses also symbolize fun
and freedom. Today, the yellow rose is used to embrace a new beginning...Yellow roses are appropriate for marking the beginning of a new life
together or for starting all over again...

So in the middle of being close to 40...I'm starting over or come full circle into what I used to do. Will this make me more content with my life? As I stare at the soft silkly petals of each rose...I'm thankfull that God made such beauty for all to enjoy...even they have their torns but perserve through....then I guess so can I.

When you wish upon a STAR...

hmmmm I was asked if I could have two wishs, what would they be and why? First of all, I want to have children of my own. To feel a baby moving within me and to care for that child the first day of life. Secondly, I would want to have finanacial freedom from living paycheck to paycheck. Mind you I don't want money to just spend unwisely...just so that I don't have to worry about how to pay the plumber or that I need to pay off the credit cards.

Ok...I know what you're thinking those are pretty selfish wishes...maybe I'd be better off wishing for world peace or to end hunger around the world...I don't know...it seems so easy to imagine the world would come up with new problems that would be greater then before. It would be a whole new place of situations. I'm proud to live in the United States and I like how our country is founded.