Perseverance...

I something feel like giving up the struggles. I try to work it out on my own; which usually leads me to fail once again. It's like "Simon saids" game -- two steps forward; one huge stumble backwards. I condemn myself for failing and fear that even God may give up on me. At times there are so many difficulties, so many issues to work through, so many patterns in my life that have to be changed, that I begin to feel as if I'm going crazy! What first; when; where; and how do I start? I recognized my sins of rebellion but actively changing that I haven't began. Is because I think I can't do it? I don't think so. Is it because I don't think God can do it? Partly Is it because it's going to be hard? Yes...Why does everything have to be so hard in life? I can only express that the harder it is for me the better I learn not to do it again. I think I've harden my heart towards the love of God...Not because I don't want to experience his love but because it only seems like love causes pain. I don't find the joy that used to come with love. Opening my heart exposes it to all kinds of evil that allowing access generates more pain then I think I can bare. Maybe that's why my prayer life isn't much of a life now like it used to be. Sometime the more I prayed the more angrier I got. I know that's not how prayer is supposed to be. What in the world am I thinking that makes me so angry with God to where I'm separating myself away from God? Is it ok to be angry at God? And is my reasoning truly pure and honest with anger? I recognized that I'm human and therefore I can't be honest and truly pure....Only through Christ can I be acceptable to God...But do I live that thought? not always...