Now, ok, this is starting to sound like one of my journal entries...why would I want to share it with a bunch of strangers...because no one around seems to want to hear it from me AGAIN! So let’s get back to the question; WHO AM I MAD AT?
a church acquaintance - she's busy with her family...I do kind of envey. She's
try to reach out these past few weeks but I just can't seem to open up to her as
much as I did. Maybe I'm afraid if I tell her everything then she will not like
me. (I really know that's not true)
my pastor church #1 - he's too quiet and surreal to even know how I'm
thinking...he doesn't like all the therapy and drugs and the thought of me going
to a treatment center -- he just thinks it's a bad idea. I mad at him because I
do value his judgment. (it's not like I can rely on my own judgment) I was
hoping for more support from him. Of course I've emailed him too but I know he
is computer ill-literate! I'm not holding my breath with a response from
him!
my pastor church #2 - poured out to him what I'm trying to seek about God and
he's a godly man which makes me mad that he doesn't have all the answers to my
questions! Besides I think he's a little werid out by me so he really doesn't
find me to talk to me...it's not like I try to talk to him either!
my accountability partner - she's on vacation and hasn't really read any emails.
I've actually haven't met her yet in person. I've tried to stay after the early service a
couple of time but I hear she's not really an on time person. But that's ok I
have gotten to know her through the internet. At time she makes me mad about how the way she talks about prayer. I just don't have that connection with God
that she seems to have...it's a struggle...like I've said in the past
sometimes...the more I prayed the angrier I got.
my sponsor - she took my drugs thinking I'd do something really stupid; she
hasn't emailed me (and I've emailed at least 2 times); and she hasn't called me
back after I left her a vm. Ok...if she was really worried about the drugs...I
thought she would check up on me a little more then 3 days later. It really
feeds the false belief that I'm really not worth other people’s time. That I
need to be activity perusing them; am I just a pest that no one wants to be
around?
my counselor - he just doesn't seem to get what is going through my head; I
can't seem to put the right words together for it to even come out to where I
understand. It makes me mad that he can't read my mind (I know I can't control
this -- but it still makes me mad) He hasn't updated his blog yet. I'm tired of
reading the others entries...I read them way to often but I like his dry sense of humor!
At least I can laugh at him! I want to email him more then I do but he keeps all
my emails in my file...it's getting too thick! I now have to censor what I
absolutely have to email him the rest I just try to get through
it.
my husband - he just doesn't get me either. All I really want from him is a hug
and tell me everything is going to be ok...(break river of tears flowing and
can't type at the same time) That I don't have to do everything myself; that
we're in this together and that he loves me still even with the flood of tears!
I think I know the man feels this way but could he just needs to verbalize it almost
every day! I really need to hear it!
God - he seems so far away and I can only blame myself because it's not God
keeping me away from him it's me! I'm still pretty upset that he doesn't think
I'd be a good mother. that must be the reason I can't carry a child. ok upset is
a mild term....I'm more like ticked off if I can say that about God without
getting hit by a lighting bolt!
Then of course that brings me back to the last person I'm the most angry at; MYSELF! I hate the way I feel (emotionally). I hate the way I look (even though I've lost all this weight I still see that I'm a fat woman -- just not as fat); I'm mad at the way I treat people - I have no patience especially if it isn't done the way I think is right. Why does it matter if its done right or just done...I guess I only see it as right or it's wrong! I think I have no self control and my counselor told me I had a great amount of self control because of one of my destructive coping skill. I can do it with control til well after it hurts/pain. It's like my badge of shame I put on to keep reminding myself how mad I really am at other, God, and myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment