Am I a Christian?

When I say..."I am a Christian" I'm not shouting, "I am saved" I'm whispering, "I was lost" That is why I chose this way. When I say..."I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble And need someone to be my guide. When I say..."I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak And pray for strength to carry on. When I say..."I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed And cannot ever pay the debt. When I say..."I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are all too visible, But God believes I'm worth it. When I say..."I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain I have my share of heartaches Which is why I speak His name. When I say..."I am a Christian" I do not wish to judge. I have no authority. I only know I'm loved. Carol S. Wimmer

Panic Button...

Is there ever a time in your life when you feel like someone else is hitting your panic button all the time? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wouldn't it be interesting to think there is some one else controling your destiny? What is my destiny? What is my purpose? Where am I heading? Which direction should I go? Why am I so full of questions I can't answer off the top of my head?

Submerged...

Took another bubble bath tonight because I can...submerge and blow lots of bubbles...good stress release but almost hyperventated til my hubby interupted the air with looking for the cat...Heidi is her name and very be fitting...can never find her at times. Had to twick the bubble symphanie and look for the little kitty with a meow, meow...and out she comes from her faviortiy spot meow, meow

Self Worth

"Isn't self-worth about touching souls, wisdom, sense of humor, compassion, bright sparkling eyes?" What is self worth? What is it that will make us happy? Where are we to turn to if we can't talk to one another?

Psalm 139:13-16 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Matthew 5:5-6 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That is the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat."

Scar Tissue

Talked to my sponsor today and went over my step 4 inventory sheets...very painful and uncomfortable. Hated to see where I've been and account for everything in my life up until now. It's funny how some 20 years ago scars still bring back feelings and emotions of hurt. I guess that's part of the denial process to uncover.

Frozen Razzberries...

Ok...it's offical...I've moved from bananas to frozen razzberries...yum...maybe it's a sign of spring, or just I'm sick of bananas ha but who knows. I can eat them as much except too much cold berries doesn't settle right so I have to get them on the verge of thawing. Timing is everything. ha

Quick rapid pulse...

heavy breathing......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ok now I feel so much better. Nothing like a good panic attack to get the blood flowing. Breathing is a good thing. I just have to keep reminding myself that. Maybe one day I won't have to think so hard...

It's the race til midnight

and I'm still up...actually I just got home. I had step study tonight and then we went out to eat afterwards. I ate sensible and reasonable. It was nice for a change. Although the topics were randomly pick...at least mine only came up once or twice...and I was able to shift the conversation away from me. I don't want to talk about me. All through the dinner I thought about me...clinically depressed me. How did I ever let it get this far? How am I going to change this? How can I explain to people...people in general, friends, family members...it's too stressful to think. If I just could ignor it ..then it would go away right?

Once upon a time...

so the fairytale begins...it's too early to go to bed and I'm tired of watching tv for the day so what can I do to occupy my time. Is that using my time wisely? Took a bubble bath and that felt pretty nice. I like bubble baths with really hot water and letting it cool down. I'm zoning. My wrist really hurts and I'm not sure what I want to do about it. I'm also working on my next step...The dreaded Inventory List. Hate bring up past failures and things that happened. I have regrets over my actions and consequences.

Crushing Sensation...

I feel my heart is squeezing every ounce of blood. Anxiety or panic...over what is the next question. But for now I'll live in this moment. I just wish I could fast forward and get to the point where I don't have anxiety or panic feelings. I'm glad it's the beginning of Spring Break but I really don't have big plans so that's a little disappointing. I know I have to stop something but I don't want to until it's damaged. I really ready for it to be crushed or broken and get on. Mental that's what I've done in the past to get through it and stop for at least a while. But I also know that is so wrong in thinking and will it really stop or will I start somewhere/something else.

Hibernation

Wouldn't it be great if we could sleep for 6 months out of the year and just veg! I don't think I can sleep for 6 hours straight but it would sound nice. I could just see...6 month hotels or condo beds and everyone would rotate so that those sleeping would have those working and flip in the spring/summer. But then you'd have to pick which seasons you like...me I like the fall so I'd want to be awake during that time...I'm sure some like the summer with all the heat...me I'd rather sleep in a cool environment and not be hot! haha Just something to ponder, wonder, and reflect on. In my own little ways, I create little hibernations that last a few hours here and there. I hope that's acceptable!

Blah, blah, blah, BLAH

That's about all I heard after...what you read about your blood test was right. So it IS the worse case senioro that I've been dreading to hear for the last 10 days. There is a one percent chance of even conceiving let alone the chance of carrying full term. Even with IVF I only increase to 5%. So it looks like it's going to be my husband, the dog, the cat, and I for a while! Am I ok with that? That's one of the questions I keep asking myself but I think right now I'm numb. I don't know whether to be mad, sad or glad! I just wish...no I just wanted so much and I don't think it's fair!

Shake, rattle, & rolling

It's late, I'm cold, and can't seem to stop shaking. I think I did pretty good eating so it's not a sugar rushing shakes...it's more of muscle shake. My left hand is swollen enough that I had to take my new wedding band off. That kind of makes me feel a bit guilty in more ways then one. OH I just don't know what to do with myself as if you all could tell me. ha It's probably what I hear from friends and professionals all the time. I may be hear it but can't seem to put it into practice. Not to mention the fact that no one around me emails as much as I do and I really could use some email bunnies...The meds are taking the effects of moving around at least staying in the some sentences.

Stuffed cheeze tomatoes...

Have you ever wonder why we eat the things we eat. I looked at my lunch today and had stuffed cheese tomatoes...they looked really good with cheese, seasons, and a little bit of sauage. Although once I took a bite, I realized that tomatoes are not in season and these were mushy. It's that with life...seasons come and go and when it's out of season it's mushy. Better to wait until the fruit/vegtables are in season then to try and eat them. It is funny how much things we take for granted. I take a lot for granted...my house, my mom, my husband, my dog & cat, my in-laws. To end the story...I ate the cheese & stuffing but left the tomato!

Shutting Down...

would it be nice to just say "shutting down" like my cpu wants to do (getting old and slow). I wish Bill Gates could program my brain to do a shut down when too much information or not the right information is inputted. Mentally, I've had it. I can't take it anymore. My mind hurts, my eyes hurt, my ears hurt...I'm on sensory overload. I just can't do it anymore. I feel like a complete failure. I can't seem to get anything right. How can I just get out? I want to be done. How do I get off?

Reality check is...I have to stay in. I have to endure on...everyone else does it too. One day at a time...day zero

Spinning out of control

one one-thousand, two one-thousand, breath, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand, breathe, six one-thousand, seven one-thousand, move jaw, breathe, eight one-thousand, nine one-thousand, control, breathe in & out, control, ten one-thousand. Back to square one...eleven one-thousand, twelve one-thousand, thirteen one-thousand, breathe, you can do it...fourteen one-thousand, fifteen one-thousand, sixteen one-thousand, seventeen one-thousand, eighteen one-thousand, nineteen one-thousand, breath, breathe, twenty one-thousand....one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, breathe!

"Putting into words that actions...

will come oozing out in other ways!" Oh, how simple that phrase is but the impact of it is huge! I try to fix one area...concentrating on one and I just substitute the desire for another. I'm thinking what is the lesser of two evils? Is it bad to subcomb to the lesser..for me my lesser is food. It would be better to indulge in sugar then to phyically want to feel pain. The overwhelming need to feel pain. I don't know how food fills that pain except since I've had surgery...sugar goes right through me or doesn't stick around in my stomach for very long. Not to mention my heart rate races so it's almost like a natural high. Oh what is wrong with the lesser of two evils.......I assume people looking on the outside in wouldn't think it was a no brainer decision. But it's not that easy. Sin is still sin and the cause of the action.

invasiveness of pride

I guess that's some of the roots of my depression. Pastor Brett's writings moved me enough to think about this. When I do look for other's approval am I looking for the recognition and attention that I think I deserve? yucky is a good description sometimes of how I feel but I can't pinpoint exactly what it is...is it pride? Probably so.

Parenting...hmmm

Makes me wonder what kind of parent I would be. I hoped to have the same relationship that I have with my mom but then again...she doesn't know everything that's going on in my life. That would be a bad thing. I think she would be disappointed. I had someone ask me today if I thought I could be a parent. I think wanting a child so bad I'd do anything lets me know how much love I would have to give...but and there's always a but...am I ready to have a child...not tomorrow if I'm honest. I would want to have a health environment to rasie a child. That isn't saying I'm in a bad environment but it's recognizing that things could be better. I have more of a hang up the fact that there are so many young adults (teenagers) having babies and I can't. It's just not fair and I really wished God would change it. There I said what I've been saying over and over in my head for the last 5 years. People don't realize how hard Mother's Day is for me. It's hard not to think one day I would have a child. It's part of the fairytale fantasy that hasn't materialized. It's just not fair. DAY SEVEN but tempted.

What is Anger?

I think about this a lot because I'm angry internally more then I should be. I just keep it to myself. McElroy blogged that "Anger is a thought process. One way to conceptualize anger is to see it as a distancing mechanism. Anger keeps at a distance perceived threats. No one wants to be around an angry person." The clue for me is what do I see as my "perceived threats" and is my thought process in reality or is my misbeliefs eschewing what I believe to be the threat. I have the hardest time anylizing what I think is right when it's really wrong. I know anger makes me feel sad about life, about myself, about how I interact with others. I know the bible says to "put of anger" but it's hard to get that emotion out. I haven't had a healthy mechanism to release when I do feel such angry. I'm angry now but I don't know at what or at who. DAY SIX

Clinching of teeth

Well, I've made it through another day but today wasn't as good as yesterday...tense and clinching of teeth trying not to say anything sarcastic was hard. I guess my attitude to day sucked. I got really tired of doing grades and redoing grades with one teacher. You can only manipulate raw data a few ways...oh well, I guess I would do the same if I had to sign off on a student with below average grade as passing. It was just annoying after about 3 hours of it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Different teacher. ha DAY FIVE

Comments

maybe I feel brave today or bold...that's a new word for me but maybe it's a need to see who's reading what...so therefore, I've turned back the comments...doesn't mean I'll let you all comment every time either. Spicing up life as I know it...STILL DAY FOUR

Taking care of business...

Well, it's back to the old grind and I'm back at work. Today hasn't be so awful but I am already tired from walking so much around the campus construction zones! Half way through the day and I'm already back into the swing of things like I was never gone for the last 2 months. Glad to see my mailbox wasn't as full and not a lot of priority things to take care of right away. Grades are due this week so I'm going around and helping the teachers get them done. I can handle that for this week. Have step study tonight -- actually did my reading but I should refresh since it's been a week. ha Guess today is a good day or better then yesterday; at least I'm keeping busy and not having to be alone with my thoughts! DAY FOUR

What is the WISE choice?

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1)

I'm struggling today with wanting to live...it seems hopeless and helpless but I know that is not true or the truth. I have to consciously make the decision to turn my will over to God. I have to be the obedient child and let God's plan for my life work it way through. Some have told me that all hurts and problems are for a reason and that God will use them in my life to encourage others. I guess I'm just hoping to get through this moment and move on to the next. DAY THREE

Is My God Big Enough....

to change my marriage...to change my life...to change the way I think...Do I really think that God of all powerful and mighty would be willing to take on me, myself and I? Hard questions that I should know the answer but only I know what is supposed to be said but do I believe it. That's part of changing the thought process. Oh but how much I wish I could just turn off my brain sometimes. It's so hard to concentrate when you have a lot going on in the noodle that is meaningless. I guess I'm distracted easily there for I don't center on what I know is truth. The hardest thing right now is knowing my test results scores and realizing they are not good numbers and the implications they mean I can already forecast before I get the official results. That scares me. DAY TWO

11:00 pm and God showed me stuff tonight that he has a way of knocking me off my high horse. I listened to my sponsor's testimony and I could really relate to it even though we are opposites of the streets direction wise. I think my mind is on its way of the door -- Alicia plan the game. I got OBEDIENCE.......how do you all get down to his full obedience because what I do most of the time it figured out what I need to do to fix and and how can I fix obedience with out codependency trends.

Avoidance

Avoidance is something I guess I have been living with daily this last year. I hate confrontation. I much would rather go the opposite direction and not have to deal with the real issue. Why? Because I hate to argue...no not when I'm right but because I don't want to be hurt with angry words that shouldn't of be said but were said because that person was anger at me. Granted, I know, I must be annoy sometimes...and I shouldn't take it so personal when someone is angry at me...they may have a good reason to be with me. I guess I do take anger and disappointment actions very personal and I just need to let that go. DAY ONE!

Same old, same old...

The hours melt into days...again I layed in bed way longer then I should...but then what do I have to do today that was so motivating to get up.

Hammer, hammer...and more hammering

Ode to the noise of replacing my roof. I know I should of left the house as you thinking to yourself but...I'm glutton for punishment. Besides I only just crawled out of bed for the 14th time a few minutes ago...ergo sleep hygene for today. Figured if I hide beneath the covers then the noise will be ok. It makes me anxious about what I hear and are they coming through my roof not to mention the mess all around my yard! I know I'm creating the stress I cannot control but it's still about of me and my heart races. It's probably a good thing I'm not around people today...will have to put up a front tonight but at least for now I can be who I am today in front of the dog and cat. (they're just as spooked about the noise as me! haha) Hammering isn't help me cope today...haven't been able to stop but have been able to structure...at least that's a positive. hopeful or hopeless today but not helpless yet!