Elevators...1, 2,3, 4, 5, 6 -- ding

Have you ever notice if you get into an elevator with other people, you don’t make eye contact but stare at the floor numbers above the elevator doors like you don’t know that after 2 comes 3 or 7 into 6…

I had just come from my counseling session. As I got into the elevator, there was someone already in there…a woman fumbling around with files and the floor 2 button lit. There are a lot of different types of business that use that building…I always wonder when I get off or on at the 5th floor, that they are thinking – oh, she’s from the psyche floor! But I guess I’m thinking I’m the center of the world from my persective...which is more the reality?

Elevators are very simple, it’s either up or down. From floors 1 to 7….is that how life can play? I am continuously told how I think is very “black or white”. Since I get off on the 5th floor – to what degree am I stepping out of?

Today is that of a mundane, morbid experience. A funeral. My husband’s grandmother pasted away on Christmas evening. This week has been all about death. Death. I’ve imagined a lot about death the last 8 months. It sometimes is all I can think about and googled. Grandma died at a nursing home (a dismal place to live the last days of ones life), the entire family went to the home to see a dead body. Rigamortus had already set in…(they called to say she was dead around 6:30 pm, but I think it was very much earlier. She was cold and in an awful position. We got there within 15 minutes of the call.) Grandma’s face was waxy and had her mouth open in that scary way. It didn’t help the picture that the staff had stuck her teeth in – I thought that was a little weird.

It reminded me of the movie “scream” with that mask or the painting by Edward Munch of a face with it’s mouth open.

As this week transpired into a 7 hours ordeal of a “viewing” (my mother-in-law wouldn’t go home because she was afraid she was going to miss someone or wanted to see who sent flowers and if she thought they were good or bad taste - Weird #2) The viewing of course was an open casket in a very small room that was like a hot house and stinky flowers – why do people send stinky flowers? My only thought has to be that they are cheap because they know they are going to a grave. I got to the funeral home after my appointment, and I was ready to leave within an hour…how can people stare at a body and say “oh, doesn’t she look like she is sleeping.” or “she looks so much like her younger self – what miracles make-up can do…” Don’t get me wrong – she looked ten times better then at the nursing home - dead.

Which leads to the funeral this afternoon. Started out a semi-cloudy day and the temperature wasn’t that cold. Brent & I arrived at the church for the family lunch – he goes with his brothers, I see my ex-sister-in-law and hung out with her…I missed our outsider’s comments about the Cooper Clan. For a funeral…it was nothing out of the ordinary…grandma was well loved by her family and friends. She lived almost to her 92nd birthday (12/31) shy of 6 days…91 years seems like forever….3 children, 7 grandchildren, 9 ½ great-grandchildren. At the burial site, it was Oklahoma cold wind with the feeling of rain in the air -- how appropreate.

Family. Death. How is it not better for grandma to die so old? I look and I will never have children, no grandchildren, no great-grandchildren. Who will be there when I am 91 years old?

Why would anyone want to live that long with no one? I know it is selfish...but I feel like everything, everyone would be better off without me....

Double Trouble (Predestination)

God created sin so that we would know mercy…(TV show “Friday Night Lights)

Double predestination is the belief that God creates some people who's purpose in existence is to be sent to hell. Is this concept Biblical?

Romans has two predominate themes throughout it. The first theme is the righteousness of God.

The other theme is that of wrath. God's wrath has been revealed against all sinful actions. Mankind knows about God, but rejects God in their thinking and in their actions. The wrath of God, therefore, is the giving of man to live his life as he pleases, which apart from God leads to destruction. Man rejects the God of the universe and God, in turn, forsakes man. Only a personal intervention from God can alter the destructive path that man finds himself while he hardens himself in sin

It is not unfeasible for someone to be whole-heartedly devoted to God for a majority of their lifetime and when suddenly snap and turn totally against God in his heart. For example, suppose Billy Graham were to all of a sudden denounce God and start worshiping Satan. Calvinists would suggest that Billy Graham must not have ever have been saved whereas any other rational person would say that he once was a great man of faith whose heart was totally devoted to God but then suddenly snapped.

Yes, God is omnipotent and omniscient. He knows what will happen before it will happen. But foreknowledge does not imply predestination. Our problem is that we cannot fathom time the way God knows it. We see time as a constant stream from point A to point B. This is why we cannot fathom that there is no beginning to God and no end to God. God is infinity. God is 1/X as X approaches 0 (hopefully from the positive direction!). God understands time; he is all things at all times. God simply is.

Many events throughout the Bible have been predestined. Jesus' birth was predestined. Jesus' death was predestined. Jesus' resurrection was predestined. Many things in our own lives could very well be predestined. But God certainly does not predestine people to go to heaven or go to hell. It is man's choice to either accept God's path or reject it (Ben Perry)

Brief Definitions
determinism
The view that every event has a cause and that everything in the universe is absolutely dependent on and governed by causal laws. Since determinists believe that all events, including human actions, are predetermined, determinism is typically thought to be incompatible with free will.

fatalism
The belief that "what will be will be," since all past, present, and future events have already been predetermined by God or another all-powerful force. In religion, this view may be called predestination; it holds that whether our souls go to Heaven or Hell is determined before we are born and is independent of our good deeds.

free will
The theory that human beings have freedom of choice or self-determination; that is, that given a situation, a person could have done other than what he did. Philosophers have argued that free will is incompatible with determinism. See also indeterminism.

indeterminism
The view that there are events that do not have any cause; many proponents of free will believe that acts of choice are capable of not being determined by any physiological or psychological cause.

So in googling on the quote from a very racey show about fictional high school football player's lives...the double blind is if a guy sleeps around he's a stud, but if a girl gives in to the guy, she then is labeled a slutt....

The question I wanted answers to -- Was she predestined to sin? Is the judgement of peers their sin? How do we know that we aren't predestined to our future? The comment on if Billy Graham....hits true to my life....I hope I was sincere when I accepted Christ as a child...I believed in serving through most of my life -- was that my "free will"? I was taught that ALL ACTIONS have a consequence...good(rewards) & bad (condemnation), it IS our choice which consequence happens. So can you blame God? Because you think that you might not have a choice, that the God I was raised to believe condemned the world... sin...Adam & Eve.

An analogy that I shared with a friend the other day....just came into my memory and I remember the day I heard it as a teenager...for some reason something was triggered to that memory.

Lets say you & God are in a brand new car with many "gadgets, navigation buttons" -- you have your learners permit for only the last 24hrs...ROAD TRIP! God hands you the keys and tells you to drive...you need experiences...as you drive, you hit curbs and make wrong turns and the choices of which streets to go one day makes you decided that you don't know how to control this vehicle. You tell God, that you would rather he drive because he knows the right way to get to our destination and things are better, smother with very good shocks so you don't feel the pot hole and speed bump not to mention CONSTRUTION/DETURES on the road as what happened when you were in control -- and there are bumps but not curbs, and unfinished roads. After all, God knows the way...but later on you during the trip you decide that God makes it look easy...your confidences builds and that you can drive just as well if not better then God only forgetting the past. So you back the control of the steering wheel and direction -- my question now is, did you kick God out of the car (car jacking) or put him in the trunk (mob style)?

Double Bind

Stagnation is staying stuck in the middle of a double bind. Resolving double binds is the key for change... Staying stuck in the middle of a lose/lose situation produces feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and fear. These are the very emotions that coping behaviors anesthetize...
(The Genesis Process wkbk, pg 45)

So what I "believe" that no matter which choice I make; I’ve already failed. No matter how hard I try to please others, I’ve failed. No matter how others see me, in my mind I am not worth the trouble to get to know me…BUT

There is always a BUT…what I call crisis and drama along with stress, anxiety, panic attacks etc…I’m told I’m “oversensitive” emotionally. I can’t see that it is a good thing but some (who are really really smart) tell me that it is a spiritual gift – empathy.

… the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner…

My brother used to say I was a crybaby…whatever I was stimulated with, a book, movie, tv show or just a commercial (hallmark one especially) – it would make me cry – I could imagine the experience and emotions that I would take that on…so I guess I created my own stress and reality…sometimes it was fiction or other times it was real. I remember in junior high, I would go over to a girlfriends house. She was actually a year behind me. She lived in “the pink house” (everyone wondered why the painted the house pink – I mean close to bubble gum pink). They were the only black family in the neighborhood. She had to much older brothers and one 5. We would have the 5 y/o with us most of the time…he actually was pretty good for his age. Her mom worked (all the time) and wasn’t home much…the older boys were out too. But the dad was home – I thought that was different but I didn’t know at the time that he didn’t really have a job…he would be in the living room and just sit there, in his underwear…didn’t really say much. Playing a Kelly’s house was always interesting…we would start playing and end up “playing” house…which means we cleaned…I don’t think it was a chore for Kelly…I just think it was her way of coping living in that house. Most of the time was cleaning the very small kitchen. I not sure who cooked…most of the dishes had burnt food so there was a little elbow grease to get the food off. Many of times I would go home and ask mom for some cleaning supplies. Sometimes she would give me cans of food and mac & cheese to take back. After cleaning we would make “dinner” and a dessert…that’s how I learned to bake….there was plenty of flour and eggs to make it from scratch…dinner consisted usually of can something – soups, raviolis. I always wished I could do more but my mom didn’t have a lot to feed us either. I think about Kelly every once in a while and wonder how her life turned out…she moved about a year later and I didn’t know where….

I know I need to be thankful of what I have…I know I have more then most…but I sometimes think “everyone around me” would be better without me – that the selfish side of not wanting to participate in life.

$2.09 a gallon

OUT OF GAS! for the second time in my life in Tulsa. It could have been a funny story to tell around the table...."oh, guess what happen to me on my way from work to my across town counseling session...." A half a block away....close to the middle of the road on at rush hour (sorry tulsa rush hour is moving at 45 mph) -- My shinning knight came in form of a police detective who didn't really know the area he was in or the closest gas station...20 min later he comes in his white charriot to pour a gallon of gas in my tank...30 min late to my session....(i only get 50 min altogether -- he's a busy man and has more then just me to listen to) I was a bit sarcastic instead of being an emotional puddle (he's had to see that before too) I know, prozac is the answer....but unfortunitily I've got the stronger drugs.

cosmic okie-dokie

happiness -- is it possible on this planet?

We all want to know that we’ve arrived, that we’ve achieved some sort of success in the game of life. Each of us is born with a hunger and a thirst to know that something about our lives has mattered. That appetite for significance can drive us to measure our lives by how much property we accumulate, how many sex partners we’ve had, how much knowledge we pile up. The possibilities are endless. And it should be said that there is nothing wrong with trying to achieve things in life. God gives us talents and abilities. And it is a sin not to use the abilities that God gives to us in the ways God leads us to use them. But...nothing that you and I can achieve through the use of our talents can ever truly satisfy the hunger we all have to know that our lives matter, that we are valued, that our existences count for something.

interesting concept....

Jesus says: “Blessed, happy, fortunate are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” The happy people are those who hunger for righteousness; they’re the ones who get the cosmic okie-dokie. But what is righteousness exactly? Righteous people are people who are right with God. They’re not perfect. They’re forgiven. They’re reconciled to God. They’re empowered to live the best versions of their lives possible. They live in confident anticipation of eternity.

The Happiness Project: The Diet That Will Make You Happy

"Sleepy...You're Getting very Sleepy..."

(scat “bung, bung, bung, bung..........)

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream (bung, bung, bung, bung)

Make him the cutest that I've ever seen (bung, bung, bung, bung)

Give him two lips like roses and clover (bung, bung, bung, bung)

Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over.

Sandman, I'm so alone

Don't have nobody to call my own

Please turn on your magic beam

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.(scat “bung, bung, bung, bung.….)

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

Make him the cutest that I've ever seen

Give him the word that I'm not a rover

Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over.

Sandman, I'm so alone

Don't have nobody to call my own

Please turn on your magic beam

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.(scat “bung, bung, bung, bung)

Mr. Sandman (male voice: “Yesss?) bring us a dream

Give him a pair of eyes with a “come-hither” gleam

Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci

And lots of wavy hair like Liberace

Mr Sandman, someone to hold (someone to hold)

Would be so peachy before we're too old

So please turn on your magic beam

Mr Sandman, bring us, please, please, please

Mr Sandman, bring us a dream.(scat “bung, bung, bung, bung….)

Trick or Treat

What a perfect ending to a very trick deal....i had to finish packing my desk up for the next person...the desk I am being moved into won't be available until December 1st....I found out this afternoon that ALL, EVERYTHING must be out of my office TODAY...including all my files...pens, pencils, etc The ending to a perfect day?....as i'm carting out 6 boxes...the "penny" jar slipped off breaking into a thousand miserines...and about 20 dollars of pennys throughout the jagged glass...i had a prince in training come to my rescue...i don't think i could of handle it all by myself without losing it completely. He was a adult student waiting on a ride....

Life Sucks so __________!!!!!!!

Party Girl?

As I somehow got stuck in my past when I was in college...i don't maybe it was a dream...but college is more than 15 years ago...Was I a party girl? No, not really...I was the one who took care of the party girls (boys too!) Nothing like holding someone's hair while they puke...while I wanted to puke myself it had nothing to do with alcohol. But every once in a while...we would have a "floor" party and bring your own drinks....(that's when alcohol was allowed in the dorms and it was only 18 to buy - dark ages...lol This is where I shined the most...knew I wasn't going to be driving or any of my friends...That was always my first concern. As I say that...I have only been drunk twice and I think twice too many times...and still to this day I can't even smell beer without remembering those experiences...

So what was my drink of choice....kamikaze shots!!! And when we run out of mix...tequila shot with the winner taking the worm....I always wonder why that was the prize...needless to say I only ate one once but won more then I think I should admit! One thing I learned...beer I have a very low tolerance...in other words...it only takes a few beers to make me sick...hence another reason not to drink beer. So like any good "floor" party, there were always drinking games...and you were elimiated if you could take another drink!!! The "barbie" girls were usually out in the first and second rounds....then the skinny boys dropped out (nerds), usually all that were left were "football" type and 2 girls -- the other girl was very WV cowgirl...she could also hold her alcohol!!! I usually came down to three of us...and I think the guy got tired of losing to girls! lol

But as I thought back on this all weekend...out of the blue...I felt like I could sure go for one...so while waiting for take-out...I order a kamikaze....oh my god!!! it was really good...and not sweet like a limeade...mind you I only had one...know it's not a great thing to do on meds...but no side effect...just the taste was pleasing. So much, I had another on the way home tonight....now, I don't think I'll make it a habit....at least I hope not but I don't think my support system will allow that to happen...my husband would have a cow!!!

I think all this came about...what was it like to be happy....most of college was fun -- not the study part, but living and working in the dorm!! I think my junior year was the hardest and propably the first time I was really depressed that I remembered...that someone actually told me I should see someone....but I put that thought away and got involved with CCC on campus!!!

Gone with the Blog

Well, it's funny that I haven't had the feelings to really blog...well, that's not true; I have had the feelings I just didn't want to.

So, I have a second chance, I get to switch jobs at work....NO MORE LEO!!! but......

you'd think that would make me happier or at least thankful..because it was almost a miricle. I didn't think there was ever a chance to get away from LEO without leave the school --

OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG

The day events have built on top of each other that I'm very tense, stressed, to the point I feel the walls are closing in and I can't breathe. I know it's anxiety and I'm the caused.

pluck by pluck

snip, pluck, and file......the adventures of doing "girlie" things....had to get my nails filled (over 3 weeks...), can't stand "chin" hair even it's can't be seen as a beird...I can still feel it, and the ultmate "bad" hair day/weeks....I've just not cared to do any of these simple "self care" maintenance lately until I couldn't stand hair in the face, nails 2" long, and "chin" hair.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

3 out of 4 today isn't bad...the last is that creepy gray that now shows from shorter hair...


other than that, today has been good on the 7ish scale out of 10. I could use a few more like these then the ones "I don't care" attitude.

VOICE mail recordings

1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall.Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first twenty-five words and $.59 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. ( The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in -duh-viduals did this over and over).

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. I've run away to join a different circus.

9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Martha' instead of 'Marvin.'

The Time of Innocence

It takes time to process. Realizing most of us will never forget where we were on 9/11/01...there is time to remember but how much emotions come back as if it were today. The surreal feelings. Shock and lack of understanding why. Even in OK, it felt like it was in our backyard. The day when terroism struck our personal space...it's one thing to see in another country...it's another to see in America.

Links: Broken chains

It's been a while since I posted last...I've had a lot of questions asked the last month and sometimes I don't know the answer or I don't want to know the real answer.

SOS
Self-Care?
A Love Letter
Fear

A Little MISUNDERSTANDING!

Friday start out with wishing I could just continue to sleep under the covers…but I made myself get up…had to. There was so much going at work that I needed to be at my desk for office coverage. It really didn’t start out that bad. Had the normal “chat” with Leo about what he schedule was and what he needed me to do for him today and heads up for next week. That seems to work better for us.

9:30 – (I’m only half way through attendance) LEO went out to the share drive and was upset that he couldn’t find a file (the file didn’t exists but that’s beside the point). After all the work I did on organizing this drive…he complained that there was soooo many empty folders – he didn’t think the instructors would be able to find stuff especially when there wasn’t any files in folders (I just set it up…I was going to move them into the correct folder as we updated the file from last year)

He said not to take this personal. PERSONAL? It was personal…I can’t believe he just looked at the setup and didn’t like it. Not only did he approve it last May but I rolled it out to the instructors in August!! But fine, he’s the person I support (I don’t know what to call him…I just support him as an assistant/secretary. I report to the office manager not him. PERSONAL – as he continued to talk how and why he didn’t like it but he would tell me what I needed to do (basically start all over). I kept telling myself, “DON’T OPEN YOUR MOUTH…KEEP IT INSIDE…DON’T TELL HIM WHAT YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT!!) The harder I tried not to tear up the more that became very evident. As soon as he finally explained his point of view…I just kept saying “OK”. Finally, he let me out of his office…I had to get out…luckily my co-worker was in the office to cover it. I went into the conference room and had a hard cry…I wanted to crawl under the table and hide…how small can I become. I even used my cell phone to my co-worker to see if he had left the office yet!! After about 15 minutes I knew I had to go back to my desk. Oh how much my eyes hurt from crying. I tried to be cordially and act like nothing happened. My co-worker didn’t say anything – I’m not sure if she knew what to say….Leo finally left about 15 minutes later and I finished attendance trying not to make eye contact with as few people as possible. 30 minutes til lunch!!

Took forever but my lunch hour finally was there…I don’t’ think I ever got out that building so fast. Went to Quiktrip and got a tea and sandwich but I knew I wasn’t going to eat it…the tears were already flowing. Went to the church land and sat under a tree and had another hard cry…with no one around the sobs where pretty loud. The next 45 minutes I just completely lost it. I had to go back to work…coverage thing again…it was a HAD. I don’t know how well I pretended…but I did it and left as fast as 4:00 o’clock came!

After looking for pictures for a PowerPoint presentation…I found this cartoon that said it ALL!!

Fruit Loops

so is it ok to be fruity and sweet.... but not innocent?

How far and fast can you go on 2 wheels?

How HIGH is high enough?

Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles

Drowning my tention into a warm tub of bubbles

Conquer yourself before you Conquer the World

So how do you conquer yourself…I saw this on a church marquee. It’s an interesting statement. But is it the subconscious that conquers the conscious reality? Then again does it matter….tomorrow starts a new school year which attendance will thrive with absent or tardy students.

The Wait of the World

As Thursday turns in to the night, reflections of the days activities repeats slowly in my mind. I spent waiting on my computer for most of this week with IT saying they can’t find anything wrong. I wait for the ticking of the clock praying for the 4 o’clock hour to get here sooner then later. I’m still functional but not very productive. One thing at a time and forget the multi tasking. As I breathe with hesitation, I think into the near future when school stars.

Mother knows best

If things aren't crazy as it is without more complications….I know maybe it a good thing but having my mom just show up was a little unsettling. Millions of questions and emotions are surrounding me. I don’t want to tell her what she should hear from me. I still think in the back of my mind that my husband had called her. But I only have one more day with her and most of that time I’m spending it at work. I can’t think very clearly and how to approach the subject.

Flying: Gravity Prevails

9:00am I get to school on a bright Saturday to participate in the carpool. I didn't want to drive so my husband dropped me off. I blended into the crowd debating if I really wanted to there or under my covers back home. It was an unsettling scene and all I wanted to do is run but I sat in my pew just like everyone else. After a few hours we all returned to the school. A friend drove me home. I don’t remember much that mid morning….it’s a little foggy.

5:00pm I again have my husband drive me to my meeting. I still didn’t want to drive or I knew I wasn’t capable of driving. I wasn’t capable of doing a lot. From here on is what people told me what happened…I was slow and blank stares…I did get my laptop up and running but had trouble remembering how to do PowerPoint. Someone came up and wanted to help but eventually I kind of took possessive actions. That’s when my sponsor took over and got me outside before anyone else knew. Phase two….the ride….all I could hear was “Keep swallowing” Phase Three….bright lights….and more stuff to swallow. Hours later I hear “get dressed your chariot awaits…where am I? Is this a dream? I felt so numb…I don’t remember moving but I must have because I entered into Phase 4 – That’s when the subconscious turns into conscious and I hear my husband yelling at me…he was very angry….I just wanted him to stop…I just wanted to sleep but I have questions to answer…I don’t know the answer….I don’t want to know the answer. Finally as phase 4 turns into dawn…I get some peace…I felt weird sleeping in my clothes but I didn’t care…

The morning after…I get woken up early and told I can’t be in my room….so I take my blanket out to the common area….just laying on the couch with a blank stare…what do I do now…I just wanted to cover up in the blanket. It was so cold or I was so cold. Reality hit and I was at rock bottom AGAIN!!

Sleepy

One of the loveable character from Snow White…SLEEPY:Sleepy sneaks in his Z's anytime and anywhere he can, but none of the other dwarfs ever complains. Maybe that's because he works just as hard in their diamond mine as the others, albeit in a more relaxed fashion. In fact, he's so relaxed, and yawns so widely, that the resident housefly keeps buzzing into his mouth in hopes of finding a nice warm home. But even on the perpetual verge of a nap, Sleepy turns out to be twice as observant as his fellows when it most matters. Strangely goaded and prodded by the forest animals outside their mine, none of the dwarfs can figure out what's going on until Sleepy yawns, "Maybe the old Queen's got Snow White." Thanks to Sleepy, the dwarfs are soon off to the rescue.

Oh to sleep…a deep sleep…sometimes you just don’t want to wake up to the alarm….sleep, that’s all I want to do!!

Not Just another Day

It all started at 11:30 pm on Friday. Brent & I were getting snuggled into bed when th phone rang...not a good sign. I answer it and it was Steve. He wanted to call me to let me know that Greg's son drowned that night and he didn't know anyone eles to call. Both of these guys are instructors I work with...I remembered when Greg's son was born.

Tomorrow is the funeral...I can't really sleep (even with the meds and my eyes are really red and hurt all over11) I'm not sure if I can make it through this service.

So sad....just don't understand....on Saturday, in group, a girl (I call her a girl...she is still under 20 and has 3 kids already and found out this week she expect a 4th...she bitter towards it...on and on she went about how it's going to effect her relationships with her current boyfriend and her oldest daughter (8 y/o) I bawled listening to her talk...it was so hard not to want to get up cross the room and shake her into what a blessing it is and be thankful. I just don't understand...

Now it goes back to the furnerl...the boy was barely 2 (his birthday was this month)...to have a child and then have it taken away so soon and so sudden...my heart feels what she must be going through...I hope it's a closed casket....




Sad eyes, you knew there'd come a day
When we would have to say 'goodbye'
Sad eyes, turn the other way (turn the other way)
I don't wanna see you cry (cry, cry, cry)
Sad eyes, you knew there'd come a day (he-e-e-ey)
When we would have to say 'goodbye'
Sad eyes

Just another Day

unusally normal

Cleansing Showers?

As a steady rain passes over my world…I just sit in the middle of it…

in the middle of the night…anesthetized

Ground ZERO

OK...SO IT'S OK FOR AN ADULT TO HAVE A TANTRUM.....I'M PLAYING MY CARD!


Just is there anyone out there to care?

Whispers

Hopeless - adjective: without hope because there seems to be no possibility of comfort or success

Ruminating - to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly

Avoidance - dismissing or a quitting; removal; withdrawal

escape - an inclination to retreat from unpleasant realities through diversion or fantasy

worse - something inferior in quality or condition or effect

Togetherness

If we all could just get along...but then again...how do you get to become a dog/cat...such a rough life - eatting, sleeping and cuddling with people who love you! I'm mean really love you!

Picture squared

A Princess in the making is about all you can say about Josie! (Josephine Elizabeth Cooper)…she was the little miracle that entered into our lives. I can remember that June/July day. I got home from work and my husband was already home. I knew I had to get dinner started because I had a class to teach that night. He came into the kitchen. I really don’t remember exactly what he said but he told me to go out to the backyard, he had a surprise for me…. (a dog was not even on my radar!) I barely got out the door and was greeted with a tongue and a wagging tail. She was so cute…but I looked at my husband because in March I had just put my dog to sleep – he was 11 years old and his hips were degenerating and he was in pain. It was then that we decide to wait for a while before getting another dog. (in other words, I wasn’t supposed to bring home a stray – I’m usually the sucker between the two of us – or so I thought.) Brent told me that she just wondered into the warehouse and sat in front of his desk. He put some water out for her and she just laid yed down not to be in the way of other workers. When Brent would get up – she followed. The guys were giving him a hard time that she picked him. She was friendly to others but she didn’t let Brent out of her sight. I would say she won his heart when she first sat at his desk, but after a couple hours, she was his! He took her home and put her in the back yard with water.

I can’t imagine where she came from. The warehouse is in an industrial park and there aren’t really any homes/apartments near by. It was as if someone just dropped her off. (I hope not) She looked like she had been out for about 2 to 3 weeks. Her hair was matted and I don’t think it had ever been really cut.

For getting dinner, I immediately brought her in to the kitchen and gave her a really good bath (I didn’t see bugs…but you know she had to have some)…I used the blow dryer on her (she actually liked it) and was able to comb out most of the mattes. I left her with Brent as I went to class. She didn’t have a name yet…we were just calling her girl. By the time I got home…I had a name….Josephine Elizabeth Cooper, Josie for short! It is funny how I came to that name. I had a student in my day class and my night class and an example with it as well. It was if it would jump at you…when I got home, I asked Brent if he had any suggestions for a name. He looked at me and really hadn’t thought about a name (as she was in his lap cuddling) So I told him “I think her name is Josephine…Josie for short and her middle name with be Elizabeth because she is definitely princess quality.” I think he laughed at me but he started calling her Josie and she would answer to it as if it was her really name.

Josie is a carin/schnauzer terrier. No bunny rabbit or squirrel or bird was ever safe in our back yard ever again! Josie was an only child for the next 2 years. Then her sister appeared. Cautious of their interaction was interesting – I mean, Josie had caught rabbits bigger then Heidi….but they get along pretty much from the beginning. They both sleep with us in our bed. I love cuddling with both!

A Picture says a thousand words....

Here is the tiger of my life....she wondered into my mother-in-law's porch. She was so small but she love to come out of her hiding place as soon as you sat on the bench. I don't think I've ever heard her purrr but she has a small meow (it's a little bit louder now)

She would play with her sock toy (we still have) for as long as you were there. As soon as you would get up from the bench she would disappear.

My father-in-law wasn't too excited about the little critter my mil had started feeding. Brent's neice and I would carry her inside (which thrilled him even more) and she would stay pretty still. She wasn't too sure about the dog, Bandit. Eventually, I would have to leave and so back she went out to the front porch.

About a month that she had been around my fil had gotten really sick and my mil was staying at the hospital with him. But she was really concerned about this cat. So I went to their house and made sure she had water and food a couple of times...it's pretty funny for me to do this because I'm NOT a cat person. Well, she became part of our family one day (my husband told me to bring her home)

So that started the ball rolling...had to give her a bath every day for a week with flee shampoo...I scheduled her vet visit for a check up/spayed/ and de-clawed!! She has been the best cat I have ever been around. If she had been anything like what I have seen in the past....I would have been the first to take her to the pound.

No one had really given her a name but called her kitty....My neice and I had already named her Heidi because of the way she would hide and wouldn't come out until you sat on the bench. Each day she suprises me.

The Unknown

where does that lead? Am I skeptical? Pessimistic? the unknown factor - paranoid!

How do you feel today?

I guess I'm out of the norm because I guess I ask that question more then a couple times a day...in most cases, just thinking about that question...leaves me disappointed so therefore I don't feel good about the day.... but what if it was just a regular ordinary day with no bells or whistles...isn't that a good day.

"At the heart of every problem is a problem of the heart."

So I’m stuck and I guess I choose to stay stuck because I can’t see it getting any better but it can…if I really trust in God…but that’s where the line has been broken…people ask me what do I think I’ve done to be the one exception to God’s grace?....I don’t know how to answer that…it just doesn’t feel right.

Snap, crakle, POP

We went up to my mother-in-law’s house and watched tv there. I had brought some more morning glories but I didn’t light them there…after 4 or 6 hours, Brent took me to see the Oologha Dam fireworks…it really lasted a long time (for such a small town). There were some to ooo and awe about. What was really neat to see the fireworks going off as we drove into Tulsa (including Tulsa)

Happy Birthday America!!

Morning Glories

The Cooper Clan celebrated tonight with all the fireball power that possess 40 something old men (brothers) to regress back to their teenage years. Luckly, no major burns, no roofs set on fire...or the next door neighbors field. There was a pretty good bon fire...but I would be afraid to stick a marshmellow in that snap, craken flame.

It's ok for all the "big fireworks" but I'm easy...and cheap...I like morning glories (I used to like sparklers until I got a morning glory) They start out with a red glare....merging into a yellow and into the sparkley stage that I like to surround myself and feel the little sparks....then to a hot green and it's over. I take my time with each one I do....maybe it's that little girl inside creaping out...

Sunday Drive

It's hot...it's summer....it's July in Oklahoma...as I roll down the windows (manually - no power locks or windows - what can I say...it's an escort!) The wind blows in to the car...hot air...every little piece of paper (trash) floats around the inside…(I really need to clean my car again!!) I breathe in deeply as the heat passes through my nose and deep into my lungs. My brain is telling me – screaming at me to roll up the windows and turn the AC on – full blast. What seem like an eternity turned into about 5 minutes before I came to my senses and turned the ac on and settled into a cooler bliss. For some reasons, I look at no ac as a physical punishment I can endure…I deserve it. Then I pull into the parking lot…turn off the ac and got out of the car and headed into the church.

Manic Friday

You know it’s one of those days where it doesn’t matter that it is Friday. You look forward to this day coming for the last 4 days….and now it’s here and it’s not all that it is cracked up to be.

don't it make my brown eyes blue

"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not." For she kept saying, If I only touch His garments, I shall be restored..." (Song of Songs 3:1 KJV, Mark 5:28 Amp)

"If only I could touch his garments..."

What was it like for the woman to touch the garments of Christ…her faith in who Jesus was, her belief that he is who he said he was, and the trust that she had when all hope from the doctors was exhausted? The fact that in a crowd, Jesus knew he was touch in the slightest contact …Can that miracle happen today…where is this “garment” to reach out and touch…would anyone notice?

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to
Christ.” 2COR 10:5

“take captive every thought”…It seems that the thoughts have taken me captive. I know it’s the feelings that are there that are driven by the thoughts. I live in the moment on feelings. Outbursts of tears and uncontrollable crying seem an every day occurrence.

"emotional tears" are psychologically caused…The protein concentration of emotional tears was 24% greater than irritant tears. The complex proteins in emotional tears were those involved in the human stress response…tears performed a sort of physical catharsis, expelling toxins from the body.

I used to have the optimism of there is a big world out there and how I can play a part in it…but today I’m afraid of the next moment, afraid of tomorrows to come, dreading what is to come. I would rather stay inside, safe, secured. When I do adventure out, I cry. I feel I am falling out of control, am I loosing my mind? Where do I stand – emotionally drained. I do life out of duty.

"Only those who are fit to live do not fear to die. And none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. Both life and death are parts of the same great adventure." Theodore Roosevelt

The World Wide Web

You are on a journey and in the process of becoming; never a finished product. The gift is to accept and like yourself wherever you are in your journey - and know you can change! NReno

Interesting googling the other day turns into a unique find. How many times do people surf the internet not really know the directions they are going. It’s a big world out there for everyone to explore. So I end up on this website. I question how I ended there but I found some a lot of things to relate to. Nancy Reno sounds like a fascinating person. First impression of this is, it’s one of “those” sites – I mean the ones that aren’t good...another one of those things that the evil uses to get into your mind…until I started reading the pages within her site. Hypnosis – does it work? Is it mess with something you don’t want to do or should do? Interesting is the fact everything I read including other sites, hypnosis is in your control not the hypnotist. I guess I’ve only seen what’s been portrayed in the movies, tv, general media. But aren’t we all hypnotized by commercials, media ads, and that must have thing that is the latest crazes? So what’s the big deal?

WE ARE WHAT WE THINK

Distructive Thought Patterns:

1. Assuming the Worst
2. Unreasonable Demands
3. Fairy Tale Fantasies
4. All or Nothing Impossible Standards
5. Over-generalizing
6. Absolute Labeling
7. Making Feeling Fact
8. Catastrophizing
9. Personalizing
10. Blaming
11. Dwelling on the Negative
12. Rejecting Positives
13. Unfavorable Comparisons

Hypnosis…First of all, is it really safe and is it too much “Out there" (not biblical sound). I guess I don't know what I'm searching...I know not to do the tarot cards, psychic, mediums

I just thought if I was hypnotized then I might be able to change the false beliefs, bad attitude, and the whole faith/God thing. Am I asking too much?

Hypnosis is a relaxation technique and is useful for reducing anxiety. Hasn't proven too effective for "taking every thought captive."
B. McElroy

Noah's Ark Everything I need to know

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float awhile.
10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Sugar, Honey, Ice tea

Well, that's just the polite way of cussing...learned it from "proper” church lady who I don’t think could ever cuss. But that was the phase she always said when she was angry at something. I guess I can say I’m not as proper but I tried not to cuss so much. I get teased at by my co-workers when I say it…it’s at least a good habit. Now I’ve typed that, I not an angel so there are those times…when in fact I do slip. That used not be the case. I used to do it all the time in school. I think of it as my own way of rebelling because my parents didn’t hear me. I can remember my first cuss word was probably not until 3rd grade. That’s about the time when all the kids talked to each other…you know when you got your information about drugs, sex, and cuss words meanings because the rule was…if you didn’t know what it meant then you couldn’t use it….like that applies now…I guess I was kind of naive then and probably some now…I’m pretty sure my mom knew I cussed at school but I remember only once doing it at home…that was enough soap for me to leave it at school only!!

Now that I’ve digressed from my original intent for this blog…I really just wanted to cuss at the top of my lungs. Why? What else? Money…just a mention to my husband about taking money out of the atm and he goes on a tantrum…it’s not that big of a deal…I just know I have some payments out there that haven’t cleared and I’m almost at my buffer – the amount I like to keep at so that there isn’t an “oh sh@t”. Of course if only I could win the lottery…but then that’s another blog. For now, it’s waiting until next week (by Wednesday night)...he gets paid, I get paid plus I get my bonus. I’m sorry I even brought it up. Now he’s pouting in the bedroom and I don’t want to be in there. STRESS

What I really need to do is file for my medical reimbursement…that’s a lot just there. I just haven’t gotten around to faxing that information. I have it compiled up until the beginning of June. I guess I’ll do that tomorrow and I still have to check with my cpa…he said I should of gotten about $400 more from the IRS for last year.

What I really need to do is call my sponsor and stop thinking about the worst case scenarios!!

ps – I can’t forget dealing with Leo for the rest of the week (life or so it seems!)

Dreaming

I had a dream...all is calm...it's twilight with a full moon…I’m outside but it not hot or cold…it’s just there. I feel the small steady drops of rain. soothing…refreshing. I’m in a white summer dress with long sleeves and barefoot…I just feel peace. I don’t know where it is…as I walk, feel the water under my feet but it gradually getting deeper. I don’t think it’s the ocean or river. It doesn’t have mud…it’s concrete. I creep along not really looking where I’m going. The rain is getting harder but tranquil…the water is up to my knees…it seem like a purpose to continue on. Deeper…the water is cloudy…I can’t see my feet as I inch along…there is a current that is getting stronger…I just sink into the flow…not know where it ends…I close my eyes as the rain falls. Soon I’m floating into the darkness. Then it just ends…and I think I’m fine with that.

Just another way to shut down...

A Non Sad Day

Today I had to take off…it was either this Wednesday or next. I had a day’s worth of comp time (that’s time that I should have been paid overtime but they didn’t want to pay that so they gave it as time off but it had to be used before the end of this month. So I did this one because my massage therapist had an early opening. So made plans last week to take off. I had a really big meeting yesterday for Leo. I did the computer work behind it. It was stressful but I wanted to do a really good job for him. I think I did, not that he said in so many words…but does he ever? Anyways, I started looking forward to this day since Sunday.

I got up early (8:45am) and headed out the door with a ton of things carting behind. This was a non-sad day (means no sadness allowed!) I headed to the office barely awake but was looking forward to the massage. Darlene is really good and it felt so good. I really would like for her to give one to my husband but I don’t think he’d go for it. After that my chiropractor (Dr. Tim) adjusted me…it was really easy this time because I was so relaxed. I had debated whether to do a pedicure or not but I went ahead and did it. I’m glad I did. (even though it was all the way across town…) I now have fresh burgundy toe nails and smooth heals….but the day is not over…it’s only 12!

I went to Wal-Mart and got things to pamper myself. I picked up some fruit and chocolate (yeah back on that again but that’s another blog)….now it’s time for lunch. I had picked out what I wanted last week. I don’t always get to this place…it’s usually out of my way. I first stop at the QuikTrip and get a large tea and a bottle of Pepsi…Then on to the deli where I get a tuna melt and potato soup! Yum!!!

On to the last stop, I had gotten a room with a Jacuzzi tub. I was able to check in early and start my soak! (you know when your skin starts to wrinkle….that’s just the beginning!) The jets, the bubbles, and just a pure soak. I used dove soap and my skin felt so clean. I shaved my legs (ok tmi but I don’t care…not many read this). One of the pluses is that the room had wireless internet. (cool or I wouldn’t be doing this blog now!) Moisturized my entire body and it felt so good. So now I’m done with the bathroom and I still have time to reflect before heading home. I still need to curl my hair and stuff like that.

Having my laptop has been really cool and nice…I can be connected to the internet and play cd’s…ok just one cd…Matthew West…

In the HEAT of the night!!

This weekend we went to Dallas for the Indy race. We arrived on Friday pretty late. (didn't leave Tulsa until after 5) By the time we got to the hotel, we were both tired. I checked into our room and really was greeted by a very unfriendly night staff member. When we got into our room (after many times of trying the door but that's another frustration), the room must have been close to 100 degrees....I don't think anyone had been in the room for at least a couple of days. We immediately turned the ac on high...it was cool but it took all night and into the morning before it was comfortable. So that first night was pretty awful to sleep! Neither one of us really got a good night sleep.

The Indy Day
We got to the track around 12:30 for an 8:00pm race. It was getting pretty hot…walking around the hot pavement didn’t help. At least there was a wind – but hot air! lol It was pretty cool to see the race…the cars were low to the ground so when they took the turns, there were lots of sparks. I was cheering for Danicka Patrick but it was pretty cool to see her race even though she didn’t really have a great race.

All I can say is…I don’t want to go to TX in the Summer….June was way too hot for me…but then again….Tulsa can be too!!

Is it FRIDAY yet? Skating on thin ice!

Monday was pretty ugly. Before many were in the office...Leo and I had a pretty good shouting "discussion" with it ending in "do it anyways, I don't care what you think!!'"

Well that really sucked!! All morning, while he was in and out of his office (still on campus passed 9) it was eye contact only! I knew he had gone to the director's office. Shortly after he left, I got pulled in to my office manager's area (closed door) and she wanted to hear myside of the story which all this mess started out last Wednesday. By the time she was done with me it was lunch time...I was really glad because I was about to burst!!! I barely made it out to the car before crying...I don't know why I can't get alone with this guy. I get so frustrated because I seem to not do a lot of things for him right! (he defines the right)....

I went out and sat at a bench in the middle of a field (birds, wind, tall grass, bugs, ticks) crying for the next hour. I did try to call people for support but I only got voice mails.

Surprisingly, I went back to work. I knew there was going to be another meeting either that day or the next...it was at 3:00 on Monday in the director's office. They went over a lot about trusting that I'll so something, communicating what I have done and haven't, and the biggest was: CHANGE THE BAD ATTITUDE. The director also changed my hours from 7:30 to 7:00-4:00 so that Leo and I can have an hour (7-8) to get everything planned out for that day and the week ahead.....I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON and Leo is...he's ready to go when I get there. The rest of this week has actually worked out ok but he was out of the office too and I had some long term tasks to accomplish!

This is the first week of my two week trail period...I think if things aren't any better between Leo and I....I would lose my job!!!

Some might say that would be a good thing...but it would be a scary thing to have happen and to look for another job with benefits....I still have a lot of health issues to face....and without insurance...I would have to stop all meds and dr. appt.

THE WEEKEND!!

I’m told I need to change what I do on the weekends…I have too much time on my hands and thoughts that I like to just “shut down” and be non-existence for the most part….not a pretty scene. So….my husband emails me that he has to work late and on Saturday...that leaves me to myself…so I took someone advice and did something different…I went shopping (something I used to enjoy doing but some how got out of the habit)…I hit my first store before 5 and wouldn’t you know it…found a great buy there….hit the mall and all those stores (places I normally wouldn’t go into because I know I wouldn’t find anything to fit me...) but I tried on lots of different things and sticker shock after trying it on…I guess even if it fits at a normal store I’m still not ready to pay $70 for a shirt!!

Saturday morning I get up and make my dessert for CR because I knew I was going to be out and about…husband working so I didn’t have to stay home. Exciting places I went? Sam’s Club….I know, but I was there for at least an hour…maybe more…who keeps track of time. Of all my purchases…I get 4 dozen rose…I love fresh flowers and roses are my favorite. I headed home and put everything away. I created 3 different vases of roses…white and peach! After doing that, I had a unselfish thought (rare) and decided to take one of the vases to my old boss…I’m a little twisted but anyways. Karin’s birthday is actually on Sunday (wonder if there is any common with the two boss’s being born in the same month and close in date….another blog)

As I remembered where she lived…it’s been a couple of years since I was there but I have talked to her recently. We actually keep in touch which is weird in itself! We visited for a while. That was good for me. As my day was planned…I left there at 3:30 and headed to home and pick up dessert….stopped on my way home to see if a lady wanted a ride to CR that night – she hadn’t called but I thought I would take the initiative (I guess I’m getting braver or at least the ativan is working) Come to find out…she didn’t want to go (I guess her husband and her weren’t getting along – he is in the CR prison ministry)

Off to CR I go….did my part, powerpoint and bring a dessert. I got my 30 day chip….still not sure if I’ve even surrender what I’ve haven’t done for 34 days…I went to small group…just on the outside. It was around 9…and I thought I would go and surprise my husband….he usually goes to the midget races on Saturday nights…I got there just in time for intermission…I know I made brownie points. That actually was a good day.

Sunday, is a day of blogs…time to reflect on things I’ve been wanted to blog about. I went to my little small church. My pastor has made the effort to keep my faith that someone else out there cares about my spiritually well being…I know there are others …it’s just nice to know. I went a little early and met up with Perry. He really is a Godly man even when he’s quite…I think I’ve completely told him the truth today…I think he put all the puzzles I told him together.

The "Party"

It’s Friday morning, and I’m struggling with whether I should just take another day off or face the JOB. As it happened my husband and I got up early (early enough for me to take a shower and enjoy a few minutes back under the covers before getting ready for work)

7:05 am and I’m at my exit but I go on to the next to get my daily large Ice Tea (Thank God for QuikTrips….it’s my Starbucks!) and now chocolate bar (could be a donut or anything sweet….it’s a pick me up to face LEO!)

As I get into my office, I put all my “stuff” on my desk and head into Leo’s office (he likes to have my first attention since he’s here at 6:30am and ready for me when I get in…the question is am I ready to be with him….I NOT A MORNING PERSON! So I take a big breath and head in with my notepad.

COMMUNICATIONS! Is how he starts out again! Because I missed yesterday, he didn’t know what I had done late on Wednesday for a meeting he was to have on Thursday. My director had given me this assignment which Leo knew but he didn’t know if I had completed it…(I finished it at 4:30 Wednesday and gave it to the director….Leo was already gone for the day! How was I supposed to tell him or he didn’t trust that I completed something like that for the director….) Anyways, after being confronted in this manner, just made the hairs on the back of my neck stand and I was on the defense with my answers (sarcastic more then I should)! The tears where there but I was able to push through to find out my next assignment he wanted me to work on…since schools out…I’m 100% his…

Like a said, Leo comes in early and leaves campus around 8:30ish….So I was busy getting people to sign a card and then get them together….as I was getting them together (including the director) he was packing up to leave…he was oblivious to what’s around him….as he walks out his office we all started to sing…I think he was in shock that we even knew it was his birthday on Saturday but the fact that I had been planning this for a couple of days (also got a gift certificate to a guitar place)…best part…the cake was good!!!

After he left I also did frame some photos of black & white pictures of a guitar. (His office is bare…he hardly in it…and he like guitars) When he got back around 3 he actually notice but really didn’t say a whole lot. I sent the rest of the cake home with him (one, because I wanted to let him know that I did this and it was real! and two the fact that he said no one on our campus cares to know him – it would help if he participated but that’s another blog!)

The Passion

So I took a mental heath day on Thursday....not sure how much of a mental health day it was or if it just was a day I wanted to shut down and have a mini "I DON'T CARE" day. Of course this day did involved taking medication for a “headache” , “backache”, “heartache”! I don’t want to say I wallowed the whole day…I did an errand in the morning for of all people, my boss (Leo)….it was his birthday on Saturday and I had to get the cake and card and that’s a whole other blog.

As I settle in my barker-a-lounger chair (mine’s smaller then my husband but still as comfortable with the right blanket and mushy pillow) and a large ice tea, drugs in process and I figured out how to play a dvd on my husband’s baby (HDTV sound system – whatever!) Since see the Di Vinci code…and my struggles of recent…it’s was time to watch the Passion….saw it once on the theatre screen but really wasn’t ready at that time to let it sink in. (not sure if I’m ready now either but it was something I thought I needed to watch)

In fact I watched it twice…I wanted to see it through Mary’s eyes….and to notice how John & the “other” Mary were there as well. Its hard for me to put into words what effects I can say watching it again had. It actually got me to remember of a hymn from my childhood.

O sacred Head, now wounded,
with grief and shame weighed down,
now scornfully surrounded
with thorns, thine only crown:
how pale thou art with anguish,
with sore abuse and scorn!
How does that visage languish
which once was bright as morn!

What thou, my Lord, has suffered
was all for sinners' gain;
mine, mine was the transgression,
but thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior!
'Tis I deserve thy place;
look on me with thy favor,
vouch safe to me thy grace.

What language shall I borrow
to thank thee, dearest friend,
for this thy dying sorrow,
thy pity without end?
make me thine forever;
and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never
outlive my love for thee.

So how can I struggle with today’s problems when my sins have been paid for…what I am waiting for a punishment that is out there for me to fear? I wonder if what it was like to be there the last 7 days of Christ’s life. The gospels tell me what their account was…but I guess I’m in the doubting Thomas syndrome and want to experience it for myself. I’m stuck in the feelings then in the factually belief and faith.

The WHOLE Truth?

"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

In this day in age, how do you know someone is telling you the whole truth? Even I have to admit that it is easier to tell a half truth then the whole truth and nobody is the wiser. What if you had to do a lie detector if someone didn’t believe what you were saying and how reliable is that?

“The courts have long favored the Christian book of faith as the ultimate symbol of truth. For a Christian, to swear on it means that to tell anything other than the truth in testimony is a blasphemy and a sin before God that will be taken into account on Judgment Day. "

Of course, telling the truth is not the easiest course of action to follow. On the contrary, telling the truth is often difficult, and frequently places us in circumstances that are quite unpleasant.

From working with co workers to your boss…how far does it go? Keeping secrets (half truths) from your spouse. But sometimes I feel like I’m protecting my husband from what is REALLY going on in my mind. Because the TRUTH sometimes scared me. I real find I just want to go back to being innocent or naive…but now my eyes have been opened and I can’t seem to turn off the switch to forget what I don’t want to face!

Examples are easy to find!

Take Out vs Leftovers

You know it's getting bad when you open your frig and you have lots of take out boxes and leftovers (some are growing...I don't open them...I just throw it out) So when I do cook...I don't know how much to fix. It's just my husband and me but I think I cook for at least 4 people. (I only eat about half a single portion... Ok...I know it's part of my co dependent needs and that you feed your man until he's happy. If you look at my husband, I've fed him too much. I know I'm partly to blame.

So every night on my way home from work...I call "What do you want for dinner?" Tonight was tamales...

Pretending to be....

Ok...Today is just another Saturday or is it....I physically feel just fine. I don't like that it's hot outside but that's not something within my control. The morining I was asked to do a favor....pick someone up for tonights meeting. That would imply that I'm going, I have to be there ontime...I have to socialized (even if it's only in the car....) and I have to stay until it's over (so I can take her home....this means I can't skip out of small group.) The only bright concept is I don't have to sit downstairs...I'll still do the powerpoint from the balconey.

So am I pretending or it everything really ok...I guess I'm confused or is this just normal?

Miscellaneous

10 “New” Nails
Oh the fresh new set of 10 nails. All clear, shinny and white….not the yellowing. Within the last 5 days I lost 3 nails so I had to get a new set…but it’s about time because I’ve had this set since the end of January.

Boom Box
Ok…I stopped in the local QuikTrip to get my addicted ice tea. When I pull into the parking lot, there were just a few cars…ok I’ll admit, I usually just take my keys in and just enough money leaving my purse in the car. I know, one of these days I’m just asking for more trouble….but that’s beside this point and another bloget…when I got out of the store, there in front of the store was a car (not even a muscle car/sports) that had all its windows down and some thumping rap music with nobody inside….the person had gone into the store not only leaving it open but leaving the keys in with the radio blasting…how is that not taking such a big chance or am I just thinking Tulsa isn’t ready for a small crime like stealing a car out of a QuikTrip but what do I know?

Gossip Girls
I’ve actually watched a little bit about the news these days…an interesting expose was about teenage books for girls….As a teenager, I actually loved to read this young adult stuff. Back in my days it was the Judy Bloom series that was the “no-no” on the shelf. (especially the book “Forever”) We used to pass the books around without adults knowing it…just banning it made us want to read it more.

You expect to see adult themed books in the adult section of your
library or bookstore., but a series of books about the lives of young adults---filled with money, sex and drugs, are specifically being written and marketed to teens and pre-teens. They're called "The Gossip Girls". And they're far from the innocent Nancy Drew books that kids read years ago.

The characters in "The Gossip Girls" lead, what some psychologists say, are unhealthy lifestyles without moral consequence. However, one expert says these stories are not far from today's pop culture, even though they're doing more harm than good.

So what is the draw….I think it’s really like the last sentence “…these stories are not far from today's pop culture…” How do you stop your daughter from reading it? I’m not sure you can! Even I admit I read things that I know my parents wouldn’t approve….but as a almost 40 year old I’m tempted to see what these books are about and why are they really being marketed to younger girls. Boy has times change...but I think if your a parent, you should openly talk to your pre-teen, teen about it in the open. Even if they roll thier eyes...you might not stop them from reading it but they might see the morality of the book...hopefully

Flying "Free"

Oh to be on the edge and not sure if I should jump and fly or turn around and run.

It's wierd to have your nose itch or the back of you neck...but once itch...it is like the itch manifast in another place but always comes back to the nose...

Eve's Beauty

6 long stem 1/2 inch roses...2 white, 2 pink, 2 peach

I sometime forget with everything going on around me; how stressful I let others and worries fill up my thoughts....but for one moment in this day, I felt overwhelmed joy when delivered to my desk was a bouquet of roses....with the card:

No matter what happens, I love you more everyday

Now my husband isn’t a very outward person but today, he showed me that I’m still a big part of his life…which makes me feel: cared for, appreciated, & unconditionally loved.

What more could I ask for?

Nail Pressure

As the night progress and the days events replay over and over...I lose one nail with nine more to go....

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Pet Peeves
Why does it seems that “old” people love to “drive” in the left lane…they are “driving” barely 55 mph in a 65 mph and of course the left lane tends to be just a “little” faster for “us” younger drivers….don’t get me wrong I really don’t speed but I hate to behind someone going slow especially in the left lane…that makes everyone pass them on the right…like that’s really safe.

Tree Trimming
Well I guess I was wrong (yes I do admit it sometimes). It looks like the cause of the satellite was the backyard tree. Since it the leaves have grown out…but mostly the branches are heavier but mostly there are some dead ones that need to be cut out….oh well, what’s a couple of dollars later.

Rose Bushes
What I thought was a great idea at the time….has taken over 4 weeks to plant. Two yellow rose bushes…I thought they would be nice to have in the backyard. So one day started out with digging a hole. Then a couple days later…I get a bag of potting soil. Then dug a little more on the hole. Actually, I did more beating the dirt then actually digging. It was very therapeutic…(I’m sure some will be happy with that activity)…So yesterday…I went out and planted both bushes. I put them along the fence about 18 inches apart. I hope they take….I did extra stuff (they miracle grow soil plus 2 bags of potting soil.

Kitty in a “tree”
It’s not like the first time Heidi has gotten out in the backyard. She seems to like to do escape when I let Josie out for the last time of the night before we go to bed. But the other night I didn’t even see her get out. It must have been at least 15 minutes that I notice that I didn’t see Heidi. Josie was already in our room….so I started checking every room….Heidi tends to hide...go figure. I even checked out in the garage…but no sign….that’s when my husband started blaming me that I must of let her outside. So once again, I’m out in the backyard, in my pajamas, with a flash light looking around. I really doubted I was going to find her. I looked through the bushes and she really can’t climb the tree (no front claws). So I’m over by the trash can and I hear Brent….Heidi eventually, came to the door after I went out and he let her in….so SHE had been outside. I know she’s just a cat and cat’s do go out and can find their way back…Heidi was a stray so her young beginning was pretty rough…I really don’t want to put her in that place again….but I guess she still have the curiosity of the outdoors in her. All I can do is to make sure she keeps her collar on with her name and our phone number.

Ghost Hunting?
Can you really take that for real? Is it a ghost or is it a demon/angel? I don’t know but I guess I’ve had something’s happen that I haven’t really want to believe in it. In college, I was the Supervisor at night in the dorm. One weekend, a group of guys got together (alcohol) was definitely involved…this was the 80s of college party times…the “boys” were playing around a weegee board…that an alcohol probably didn’t help but one thing lead to another when I get a call down to the front desk with about 25 guys scared and were coming downstairs and didn’t want to be on their floor. They wanted counselors or priests someone to talk to them…they were pretty scared when I saw them. I followed school procedures and reassured them and it was decided to calling some ministers/school counselors to help talk to these guys. I took a couple of my staff up with me to their floor. It was eerie with on one on the floor when the elevators opened but what was really weird was all the lights were off…even the emergency lights. It was like this floor didn’t have any power. But the rest of the 10 floor tower had power. None of the other floors were effective. I couldn’t find anything else wrong with the floor. We did pick up the game board and “confiscated”…haha I don’t really remember who ended up with it…I just knew we took it off the floor. I don’t know what happened there…I can’t explain and I was there! But to turn the power back on for that floor…the electrician had to shut down the whole tower and reset. This took about 15 minutes. Most of the residents were asleep and didn’t know anything until the “stories” the next day. I do believe something happen to those guys and that’s about as close to a ghost/haunting/whatever you want to call it. I just know, I’m not going to play around with a board game!

So now that I've rambled the night along...here's to blogging!

Nursing Home versus "Pysch" Ward

You know it's not your typical Mother's Day weekend...My mother-in-law didn't want to distrupt Grandma's nursing home schedule by taking her out for the day. I really think she was the one who didn't want to deal with the hassel of taking Grandma to her house. Grandma has only been in the nursing home for about 3 weeks. I think today was actually the best I've seen her in the last year but not because she belongs there. Don't get me wrong, I knew that Grandma needed more help and really shouldn't be alone in her house...at least now she is eatting right (3 meals aday) and taking her meds the way she should....it just the nursing home condition...it's really not a bad place but it has that SMELL. And it also has THOSE people that SHOULD be there but are just waiting to die. I was just sitting there wondering how someone could live in that environment...it just seems so stale and it would make me depressed to live there....Then I remembered what it's like to be somewhere where I didn't have control of what to do and when to do it...it came along with meds too and meals....how is that different? I've seen two places and one I really care not to "visit" again. The second was ok...but was I ok not to be there? How does one go to pick a nursing home for a loved one....how can you leave someone you love in a place like that? How do you know they are getting the care they should?

The "Chicken" Dance

Every Saturday night (weather permitting) my husband goes to the midget races out at Port City. Last night they had a special with motorcycles and 4x4 racing. But in the midle (intermission) they annouced for the little kids to do the chicken dance. Is that an Oklahoma thing? Maybe I've been to too many roller skating rinks but the Hokie Pokie and the Bunny Hop were the interactive songs of my days. On the east coast...the first time I heard of the chicken dance was at a wedding and I was clearly in my 20ies!

The Stress from Within

So much stress, I came home about 9:00 am from work on Friday and went to bed. Really not sleeping well. My head hurt behind my eyes... my head hurt so much I really couldn't think straight. I slept off and on through out Friday and into Saturday... By Saturday night, my husband took me to the ER for I was in basic tears from my headache...after 7 hours and iv drugs later, I wasn't feeling much but it was 10 times better then when I got there. The ER dr said it was stress related...duh.

New Beginnings

Starting all over is scary but also very discourging. I hate the fact that I failed at something. I feel so stupid and angry...but I'm reminded that I can start over...taking it a moment at a time instead of worring so much about what's about to happen. There is a visual reminder of what has transpired the last 48 hours.

Twist and Shout

I feel like screaming but I can only do that on the inside. So many things happening and I don't know how to stop it from getting out of control! It's like a runaway train! Than again I'm told that's just part of life!!!

How can I make it not part of my life?

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep....

oh the horror as I back up out of a parking spot. Sure I looked around...gentley I move back...then bump....OMG...OMG....OMG now what have I hit....OMG...I can't believe I just hit another car....I park my car (in a different spot) go look at what I hit...yes, folks it's a big old truck with very heavy duty bumpers...I didn't even make a scratch....OMG...OMG...OMG...I turn around to look at my car...(tears are forming) and I have a big hole in my bumper. It was the exact spot of a minor crack..#$%^...so I picked up all the pieces....ok...2 major ones and it even goes together....with tears in my eyes I headed back into Lowes and went to the service desk. The store manager was very nice and I told him what happened and what the licence plate number was of the truck...but he wanted to see it first before announcing it. I told him I didn't even scratched the bumper....as we go out...the truck is gone. They never knew I hit their truck (well it wasn't like there was any damage) The store manager thanked me for coming in but he guess the owner did see anything wrong and I didn't have to do anything else....I can't believe how stupid I was for hitting that truck...I had no idea it was behind me. It was a big black truck with an extended bed...oh for the extend bed....I should of check twice...but I was so distracted by what I was doing in the parking lot in the first place and the items I had sitting on the front seat...OMG....What am I going to do now? I tried to calm myself down and not get emotional....I start my car and carefully got out of that parking lot as soon as I could. I didn't know how I was going to tell my husband. He reacted just the way I thought he would. It was all my fault and I shouldn't even be driving....he thinks this happened because to the medications I'm on. Oh how that hurts to think about....even after all this time he still doesn't understand. He just doesn't know how much I really need his concern for me and not for the stupid car and how the way I drive. He had such a bad day (he sat in his chair for the last 15 hours watching tv (yelling at the satelite because of the rain and cloud cover, now he thinks the satelite is broken....so I have to call on that tomorrow...I really think its the cloud cover) And when he got upset with the tv he decided to play his playstation game...which only made him madder because he keep being killed in the same place in the game....oh I don't know what to do....I let him go to bed...I didn't want to be in the same room with him. Plus if I took my meds he would roll his eyes and that just confirms his point. So now it 's too late to take my meds....I'd never wake up....and all I can do is cry which that won't do if I go to bed now because if I wake him up, he'll be even madder! Right now I feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do to make things right. It's going to cost something to get my car fix...and even if I get it fixed...my car really isn't worth a whole lot even in good condition. My car! My poor car....I just can't take care of anything!!

On a Cloudly day...

when all you want to do is stay all nuggled up in bed and let the steady pitter patter of the rain make you feel comfortable....ok that lasted about 10 am this morning. I how I hate mornings - I'm not really a morning person...I've just learned to comform to the outside world because there is not a job that I can get doing what I do that starts in the afternoon.

So what's my plan for the day....my husband suggested a movie....we went last night and saw Flight 93...it was emotional and I think I relived the same feelings I had that day. It just makes you think more about that day. Ok...side tracked...my dog broke her collar this morning when she came back in and shaking off the water....it's at least 3 years old...I can't remember when Josie wandered into our lives....she just seems like she's been here forever.....ok....side track 2.

I had to go Pet Smart to get a new collar. Of course they didn't have the same one that I bought so long ago. So I found on that was colorful on black and it looks ok. I think I can still use the lease I got. (yes, I'm one of those who matches collars and leases!!)

Next, Sam's...I was just going to run in there and get pickles and olives....but ended up staying there for about an hour.....I got laundry stuff, two rose bushes, drinks, shampoo, pickles and olives -- dessert for tonights meeting (apple cobbler). I think I was all over the store...I also looked at vacumn cleaners...and one I almost got.

A new vacumn cleaner was my main mission for today. My old one doesn't suck anything and I've tried cleaning it and replacing filters with no luck. I think it's terminal. Well, what should I expect. Almost every year I have to get another vacumn cleaner which I usually get it from Walmart of Kmart. So it's usually not a real expensive one. So I thought this is a good time to really invest in a cleaner that I don't have to replace every other year.

So next on my list, Sears...I had looked online and they seemed to have better prices then Lowes' & homedepot. There was actually a sales rep there to ask all kinds of questions. I looked at 2 models. So she let me try both out on the rug. That pretty much made up my mine which one I wanted....now I should make it pretty clear....I really don't vacumn very much. I have a cleaning lady that does that once a month. Occassionally when there is a mess on the floor, I'd use it. The biggest example of when I use it, is around the litter box. Heidi doesn't always keep her litter in her box!

Excitment of opening the box and taking each part out. The new clean smell. I had to play with all the parts to make sure I knew how to use each thing. After reading the manual (yes, I always read the manual!) I had to play with it so I pluged it in and vacumned the kitty litter area and the back door rug. Boy, it really does work and emypting the canister was really easy. So, maybe I made a good decision. I'm going to be paying for it for the next six months. Now I just hope my cleaning lady likes it! ha

A+, A, B/C and unsatisfactory

Well the big day arrived and I thought I was prepared for this review meeting. It did take me by surprise. There were alot of mobo jumbo corporate phases that were hard to tell what they ment or were asking. Overall, I guess I had an A (93% ranking) for the year. It's werid to be 39 and be on a grading scale for performance review. I had 2 A+, about 10 A's, and 4 B/C. They didn't distingushied which was a B and which was a C. The only thing I was marked down for was attitude. It wasn't totally unsatisfactory but it was basically saying I wasn't a very positive attitude in dealing with my co-workers, students, & customers.

Attitude: a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways

I think mental status had a lot to do with everything and emotional reactions to certian things wasn't as professional as it should have been.

Even though it was a positive outcome, I still feel like I really was that good in my performance this year. Since I wasn't "critisied" I just feel like I should be. I know I'm being harder on myself but I still think some of it should of had a consequences. Like there should of been more B/C's then A's. I know that's the self punishing side of my black and white thinking showing through. Now I just have to deal with it so that I don't act on my impulsive thoughts.

Is it Personal?

You know when your day starts out being late...things are just going downhill from there. Here it's Thursday and it all started on Monday...at work I just couldn't do anything right or people pointed out things that I did wrong...I don't know which is which. Maybe I'm a little bit paranoid. Here it's "Secretaries" week but I don't really think I'm really one of them. They say I am but it doesn't look like it. Of all weeks this week is evaluation yearly reviews. So everyday there have been questions asked to prepare for my meeting on Friday afternoon...why Friday afternoon? Great...not only have I build up anxiety for the whole week but afterwards I get the whole weekend to relive the moment. Ok...so am I taking things too personally? Most definitely.

But I say: I've prepare my "portfolio" of everything I've done and what's in my job description that I've acheive and I just hope that's enough when the lights are turned out and the doors are closed!

So that's what's on the outside? Calm, cool and collected...

Whipped Fluffy White Frosting

So what's the difference in frosting and icing? I think one is cooked over heat but it's been a while from home mak...Ok...so does white have a specific flavor? I once thought it was vannilla but no it's definitely not vanillia. Ok...it is all in the descrition....fluffy and whipped...and sugar...did I mention the sugar!!! It's a breakfast of champions and a night cap to finish a LONG day! It's the end between times when you need a pick-me up. Ok all you drooling fans out there....it's not like I can eat a whole tub but I can slam back at least 3 spoonfuls before it has to be put away.

The Crashing of Waves

Waves of sounds, Waves of words, Waves of guilt, Wave of shame, Waves of anger, waves of sin, waves of thoughts....I feel so seasick. The little dingy is just big enough for me to sit but the water keeps coming in as I try to bail it out. The rage is all around. I don't know whats right or whats wrong. what I believe, I question. Ahhhhh all I need is some sugar....that calms me down...or does it just put me in a comatosed state where I don't care anymore. Do I care? I must or I wouldn't be here.

At this time is the point where, it is better for me to just go to bed and try not to deal with this imagination of distructive thoughts...but do I carry them into my dreams...yes. There just seems like not where to turn. I've exhusted all the support around that if I crack agian...I just don't know what will happen.

Is it possible to put it all back together again? To really be normal?

Blogger's Block

It's been so long since I last blogged. I really don't know why. It just seems that I haven't been able to decide what to blog about. I would think through the day how that thought would be a good blog but by the time I got to my laptop...it would be gone. I think things are going well but is that just on the outside or am I truely changing. I think one minute I am as stronger person then a year ago....and in the next moment I feel like I want to die. I know it's just the ups and downs of life. But sometimes I get stuck in the low times...

Jewelry - Earrings

You know some women wear multiple rings, bracelets, and earrings. Now days it is not uncommon to see 4 or 5 ear piercing. I just can’t imagine and more then the hole I got now. Of course, I was 12 when I begged my mom to allow me to get my ears pierced. I don’t think my dad was too excited about it and definitely not my older sister, only because she had to wait until she was 16…cost for being the oldest and me being the baby! I remember the day so well. I was so excited. My mom took me to the mall as soon as I got home. Back then there wasn’t as many places to choose from so I got my ears pierced in a store called Spenser’s (I think now they still have it but it was a lot different back in the 70’s) The girl who did my ears used a marker to put a dot on both ears and made sure it looked right. Now the big choice of either gold studs or silver studs….that was it…I went with the silver! Whoever said it doesn’t hurt was wrong but I made it through. Weeks to come I heard I told you so from both my parents as my ears got infected and healed and infected and healed until I got used to having metal in my ears. It wasn’t like I had a lot of earrings to wear either. I kept my studs in for a long time. I really don’t remember buying the second pair or any pairs after that…but I know which earrings I’ve gotten for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. Wearing earrings now is an option not a must. It’s that little bit of yes I think I will take the time to pick out a pair of earrings that goes with what I’m wearing. Maybe that’s the little girl coming out in this age but it’s the little things that make me smile!