a sprinkle a day...

Ode to a shower...warmth cascading down to the bottom of my toes...how much do I love a hot hot shower and I didn't set off the fire alarm. ha Funny thing about a shower, you can be who ever you want to be (as long as you supply the household with ear plugs) an opera singer to a lounge singer...or the next american idol...it's fun to dream. I can concock interesting updo with a little bit of soap or I can feel clean with the fuzzy scrub brush. Whatever floats your boat! When its all said and done...the most important thing I think about is...I hope this is a good hair day! ha

i will not email...i WILL not email...

ok...I gave in and emailed...but was it the right person? Ok there is probably more then one person I should email. But I will hold firm and not spread myself open out there for too many to see. It's one thing to hide behind a blog without comments...it's another when that person already knows you. Ha Am I making any sense or do you feel I'm being to coy? Ok...now I'm asking myself questions. Makes you wonder if all the drugs I'm taking are really working to help me think more clearly. At least for today, I don't feel hopeless or helpless but I do feel sad, anxious, & tired. Part of that has to be the croopy cough I've been nursing for the last 2 days the other for pms/hormones. Ahh, Sunday...day of rest...ok..I'm tired of being home. I need to get back to work if not for the money but for my sanity. Although, I have a lot on my plate for this week. Monday, meeting at school, step study; Tuesday, class at night; Wednesday, choir practice (that is if I decided to do this...it's putting myself out there again); Thursday, counselor & night class; Saturday, Celebrate Recovery Mtg. My husband is going to think I don't want to be around him this week. I'm thinking of signing us up for a Marriage Weekend. Not sure what his response will be but I just have to present it in a positive way. I think he'd think I'm trying to change his behavior when in reality...I think its more of my behavior I should be wanting to change.

Obsession.....

Ok...obsessing and rethinking...want to Email; don't want to email this one person...why...don't want the response I'm assuming I'd get back...should I email...I don't know..want to email really bad but afraid of the response. Is that good enough of an excuse? I'm overly thinking this way too much. I've got to change...I just get so stuck in a routine. What good would come from emailing? They'd know what I was thinking? Do I really want them to know what I'm thinking? Oh but to be alone with the thoughts...it's about about changing how and what I think. I think email is part of be accountable for my thoughts. When I keep them to myself, I'm alone with them. If I write the thoughts out either in an email or this blog, then it's out there for someone else to read. I may not get comments but I know it's out in public or so cyber public. Oh how much I want to email but I think I'd be emailing for all the wrong reasons. How do I find the right reasons? What would God think of the right reasons would be? When I put in that terms, email isn't necessary. He knows what I'm thinking -- should I be looking for his responses to my thoughts instead of another person? Isn't it God who I want to please first?

Josie, The dog...

Josie is a stray mutt that wondered into my husband work almost 3 years ago and now is a wonderful friend and warm body to cuddle with. She part carin terrier/schnoser mix. Why you might ask I write about my dog? Becuase she knows me and she responds to my moods. I am a dog lover and always have had a dog. This one is different in she sense things about me. Maybe I think that because she is a she. I've never had a female dog before. All the rest have been male. But she's different. This morning she sensed my need to cuddle and I woke up with her head on my stomach and that made me happy at least for a moment. Don't get me wrong either...there are times when she is way to hyper and obnixous for attention...but in the early morning hours she was there and I know she's there because she wants to be.

Underconstruction...

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success.

Red, yellow, black and blue...

So, what's in a bruise? Busted capiliaries seeping into surrounding tissues...edma, swelling, painful to touch. Pain is a good reminder of where we been, what we've done, how we feel at the time. Bruises -- our little hidden secrets of hurts, wants, disappointment, & punishment. The only outward sign that's something is just not right with this person.

Too Early in the morning

but not early enough for my brain to switch back on...hence let's blog. haha I don't know what it was but at 4 this morning I woke up and couldn't sleep no more! I started thinking about files...I haven't filed in 2 weeks...it's not like it's been top prority but I just had to do it right now at 4 and while I was in the files...might as well clean them out. Hence, it is now an hour and a half later! But my files should do look nice! One file drawer down...3 more to go! Busy work.

9:55 pm - got sidetracked and forgot about the other three drawers...I'm sure they'll be there another day at another ungodly hour I might deem "has to be done right now" hour. Now I'm cold and can't get warmed. Debating over taking a hot hot shower but don't want to set off the fire alarm again. (long story) I'm afraid to say but don't know anyone who's reading this so I guess I'm just me, myself, and I but tonight I really don't like who I am at this point. Who am I? I can give the right answers, I've been studying really hard but it's not quite reaching the brain or the heart. Who am I? I look in to the mirror and I don't recognize the person staring back at me. Who am I? What am I doing?

Never alone?

I waited for you today But you didn't show No no. I needed you today So where did you go? You told me to call Said you'd be there And though I haven't seen you Are you still there? I cried out with no reply And I can't feel you by my side So I'll hold tight to what I know You're here and I'm never alone And though I cannot see you And I can't explain why Such a deep reassurance You've placed in my life. We cannot separate 'Cause you're part of me. And though you're invisible I'll trust the unseen. BarlowGirl

My heart is racing tonight...Anxious? Nerves? Wired? Maybe...I don't know what's my problem except I'm thinking way too much and have too much time on my hands. Time...alone...by myself! I feel isolated but hate being in a crowd but want to belong to a group, accepted for who I am not who I perceived to be in public. How do you fight the needs, wants, urges? I turn to people but there is no one standing, I turn to myself...makes me worse, I turn to God...and somedays it seems he's not there but is he just because I can't see him or feel him. Why do I have such emotions? Father? Are you there? Can I just sit in your lap, please?

Sleepy...you're getting sleeeeppppyyyy

If that weren't the truth...if only I could fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed. They (the experts) say you're to create a pattern of preparing for sleep or sleep hygiene...well it doesn't work well for me. First of all, I usually go to bed when I my husband does which I'm more of a night person and 10:30 pm is a little early for my brain to shut down. I usually don't fall asleep for at least another hour or two depending on what I did during the day. I don't know about anyone else's days but I rehash everything I did that day -- good or bad, and then critique how awful I did something or didn't do. I know that's not health. I know I'm creating my own negative thoughts...trying to work on changing that but it doesn't seem to happen every time. I just wish there was a magical switch that I could say ok brain you've had your fun for tonight...GO TO SLEEP! NOW!! or else!

I should be happy...

nascar started...Jeff Gordan won...Tony Stewart was a sore loser...Whatelse could I ask for today? I don't know. In church I sat and listened to the pastor. Very good topic probably ment more for me then I'd admit. The Deadly D's - depression, discouragement, dispair, doubt, distractions...that pretty much sums up what I think my life is now and trying to change it is very hard and a lot more work then I wished it was. When you have to deal with yourself, you actually have to admit things - good, bad and the ugly. Most people when they meet me wouldn't think that I'd be going through this diffculties...I am pretty good at pretending everything is ok...it's only if you take the time to know me that you recognize my moods, emotions, and negative thinking. I am consistantly reminding myself daily that God is love and that God's love is for even me.That's the hope in all of the deadly D's -- GOD'S LOVE. He can change the depressed thoughts, the discuragements I feel, the hopeless dispair at nights, doubt's that I'm not worth of his love and the day to day distractions the devil throws my way. One of my questions from my devotional journal was: Imagine that God is standing in the midst of your battle with a sign that says: WIN OR LOSE, YOU'LL GET HOME SAFE AND SOUND, JUST KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT! and the question was: What difference would that make in your battle? It should make all the difference but it gives me hope that there is someone else on my side when I feel all alone in the battle by myself, with myself.

Sad

1 a : affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness : DOWNCAST b (1) : causing or associated with grief or unhappiness : DEPRESSING (2) : REGRETTABLE, DEPLORABLE c : of little worth2 : of a dull somber color

I feel sad tonight but don't know why...want to cry but can't or nothing to cry about...I feel alone when I really am not...sadder... saddest... sadly... sadness...SAD...of little worth.

Tea for two...and the purple bear

I'm enjoying a cup of hot tea while still in my pajama this late afternoon. It's overall been a good day but I've been lazy in getting dressed. It was actually kind of nice for a change. Although I'm going to have admitt I need to take a shower. haha Nascar started last night with the truck race, then came the Busch race today...tomorrow is the big daddy of them all. It is so good to sit and watch nascar with my husband. I can honestly say I enjoy it and I think I can forget about what happen 2 seasons ago. I don't know...dover will be the test. ha Well, if I'm going to take a shower I better get going.

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A Clique Away...for a wannabe

I stole the title of this article which brings back the memories of being a wannabe. I don't think my parents were aware of what it was like in school for me. We never talked about ugly things in our house. I was raised by very loving and compassionate people who did the best they could for me...but in the end of the day I still wanted to fit in. I cared more about what others thought about me then my own parents because...they were just my parents. How ungrateful does that sound. To think if I have been born into another family I wouldn't have turned out as good as I am...I think I would have more hang ups and addictions to deal with if I even would deal with them. Am I still a wannabe? More so then I want to admit but you know I'm learning to look for God's perspective on what I should be. That helps. I'm realizing more and more each day how great of love he has for me. I just wish I could move just a little faster! haha

Cardiac Management

Ok...now I've got your attention...was in an emt class this evening concerning cardiac management. In plain terms, a heart attack. But I got to thinking about the emotion matter of the heart. Who's job is it to be concern about the emotional side of our heart. What happens to the person who has been broken hearted? Why does hurt feelings effect us to the point of losing heart? God talks to us on the spiritually level and I'm always reminded of the verse I learned in Sunday School "Thy word I have hid in my heart, so that I may not sin against thee" I know scriptures...I've memorized scriptures but I still struggle with false beliefs. I've been wondering lately if that makes me a bad christian or is that part of growing deeper with God? I can remember the first time I really understood what sacrifice Christ did and what love God must have for everyone -- even me. But how do I get that joy of being peaceful with God? I really want to be reasonably happy in this life. I don't want to live on the sidelines like I have this past year. Changing that attitude is hard becuase I'm so afraid of being hurt again or really failing big time.

Digging a hole...

how deep should I go? My husband being very sweet, quiet, & sentimental gave me 2 rose bushes for Valentine's Day...He has been doing this for the last 5 years. I love having roses in the summertime and I always say it's Valentine's Day when I bring them in. Unfortunately, last year's bush didn't take but that's ok...because I have other bushes and he gave me a second one to make up for that. It's kind of how I felt a year ago...not quite sure where I fit in my life and if my husband really loved me for me. It's has a lot to do with trust issues but I think I'm able to get passed some of that. I know I still have to deal with feelings about what happen but that's not for now -- tomorrow maybe...

13 going on 30

Could be a good title for today but then again...there's already a movie which I in fact watch. Typical pre-teeny movie but you know there are still some lessons to learn even at 38! ha No matter what age you are there are always awkward moments when you just don't know what you're supposed to do or say. Fitting in is just as hard as it was in the teen years as it is in the thirty-something generation. I wish I could have learned some of what I'm reading now then. Maybe I wouldn't be so hung up on appearances or performance. Don't get me wrong, wouldn't trade being 13 now for the world. Thank god that point in time has come and gone. haha But I sure wish I could go back and knock some sense into myself to wake up and smell the coffee/pepsi! With all that said and done...Happy Valentine's Day to all!

THE HORMONE WARNING:

Ok...here I'm stealing something someone sent me because whatelse...it talks about chocolate and how we as women relate! Enjoy a little humor! haha

>The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
>has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is
>a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet
>of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
>
>DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
>SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
>SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
>ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
>SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
>SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
>ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
>SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
>SAFEST: Here's my paycheck
>ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
>SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
>SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
>ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
>SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
>SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
>ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
>
> 13 Things PMS Stands For
> 1. Pass My Shotgun
> 2. Psychotic Mood Shift
> 3. Perpetual Munching Spree
> 4. Puffy Mid-Section
> 5. People Make me Sick
> 6. Provide Me with Sweets
> 7. Pardon My Sobbing
> 8. Pimples May Surface
> 9. Pass My Sweatpants
> 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
> 11. Plainly; Men Suck
> 12. Pack My Stuff
> And my favorite one...
> 13. Potential Murder Suspect
>
>And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings!!!!!!
>The love you give away is the only love you keep.

Give & Take

Give and take...it's what this world is all about...maybe I buy into it too much. I've been overly obsessing with checking my emails. I expect a reply since I take the time to write an email. It's not like I'm sending mindless spam...but you know, the sendee doesn't have the obligation to respond back. Why do I still look for others approval. I feel like a little kid waiting for that pat on the head to tell me I'm good otherwise, I feel bad, sad, disappointed that I wasn't good enough for a word or two in reply. I think I could like on a few words here and there to get me through the day...get me through the day. Again, is that all there is to living? No, I've understand that's part of the misbeliefs I was raised to believe as truth. God's love is so amazing that each day I look at something he shows me just a little different. The last couple of days I fell back into the "old destructive thought patterns" and it's been a struggle just to get through the moments. But I realize today, I can be grateful for what God has done for me out of love. Today, I took communion because what Christ did for me on the cross and because no matter what I've done (physically, emotionally, & mentally) I am forgiven and worthy of his sacrifice. I have not been able to accept communion thinking I was not worthy because my thought processes told me I wasn't but God's word is truth. I can trust and accept it openly.

Ode to Attention

Meow, Meow, Meow...is the greetings I woke up to this morning. In her full glory Heidi wanted my immediate attention. Unconditional Love, a warm hand stroking her back. (mind you as you read, I really don't like cats...Heidi is different!) She was content to sit on my chest with me scratching and petting with both hands. Heidi can be independent like most cats but she seeks affection and attention. Don't we all. As I was stroking her, that's where my morning thoughts led me to. Isn't that what I want to. Someone to give me undivided attention, love, warm of a gentle hand. In search for significance, I realize God is that ultimate supreme gentle hand. His love knows no boundaries. When in his presence, the unconditional love is surreal. Why can't I bring that feeling into my every day existence. Cognitively I know He is there always. That can be somewhat of a comfort but I know I'm still missing the whole picture.

Chocolate...

chocolate, chocolate, CHOCOLATE! I admittly ate too much chocolate for my own good...maybe it's replacing the other urges I'm having but boy, it's making me sick as a dog...it's been 10 minutes and I don't think it's going to stay much longer in my stomach. I guess I need to explain just one more confession. Almost 8 months ago I had gastric bypass -- not admitting I had an eating disorder and I am sticking to that story. So here I am, craving for chocolate...needing to punish something...might as well be my stomach! It's better then last night urges to hit but it's about the same release. Or somewhat the same. Control...generally I can control what I eat, when I eat, where I eat, & who I eat in front of. (see I told you I didn't have a eating disorder) ok..give me a minute or two...round one is done. Oh this was a bad choice...I don't know if I can handle throwing up with my incision. Bad, bad, bad, BAD mistake. Breathing hurts.

Warmth?

Woke up and my toes are still cold...How can this be? Warm bed, hot dog, tons of blankets. Still cold. Figured out if I took a shower I could turn the hot water on high. Love steam. Love water. Maybe I'll go swimming again after I able. Love feelings of be surrounding in the water. As if you can't tell, I'm still in a fog but at least I slept finally. Fog...dense, white, darkening, can't see very far.

Every Light is On that I can Turn on

but am I home? Oh God search me and know my thoughts...I am so struggling tonight...why are Thursday nights so hard for me to get through? This week has been a good week...but then there's tonight. I don't want to think anymore but I can't shut off my brain. It's like it's own idenity. Is this the time to call my sponsor? Probably -- willingly not a choice I want to make. Ahh, such need to feel pain? Why? The chills that run circles around and around my body. How can I sleep? What is my husband thinking of me not being there in bed...what a bad wife I feel. How can I feel so cold. I know nothing good is coming out of this night. What is my association with pain do to the feelings I have? Is it a tempoary mask or bandaid? Or am I in a need to be the center of attention? Who will know? I can hide a few bruises. I've done that before I can do that again. What's changed in me from this mornings out pourings of if I should say "joy". Maybe I think I need to be punished for feeling better. Oh why can't I get more light? It seems so dark. The dog & cat can sleep. Oh where am I heading...it's been 33 days since the last hit...33 days...how can I give into something I wanted to stop for a while. Why didn't I just get rid of that hammer! The hammer of emotions. I dare not hold it right now...God, I must be crazy. I feel so small and helpless. I know that's a misbielf but it's so strong -- how do I change...Oh God, help me make it through this moment, I prayed. Is he listening? Can he hear me? Why can't I feel connected? It would make it all so much easier. Staring at the screen doesn't seem to help but maybe a comfort...shivering am I cold or is it fear? What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid? I'm afraid of losing what control I have, I'm afraid of failing over and over again, I'm afraid of not being good enough to make it...make it as an adult. That scares me. Sleep...please let me go to sleep.

Waiting...just patiently waiting

Good morning. Yes I'm waiting...waiting for the warm of the sun to cascade through the mini blinds. I slept really well last night (with a little help -- ambien). Heidi is also on the prowl much to Josie's dismay. But it's ok. It's ok to get up. I have things to see and things to do. I feel productive and I've just started my day. I'm able to drive now. That gives a whole new meaning to freedom. I know, I shouldn't over do it. But it is so good to get out! The choices are endless. That's what they are choices. I'm starting to get structure into my day. Planning is the control freak in me but it's ok if the "plan" gets altered during the day. I think I can handle this stress because I don't have any other stresses to deal with. I don't have to worry about work or grades or Angela. My relationship with my husband is better. So I can just work on my feelings and thoughts. It's funny how changing a few things can effect my moods and behavior. Reading to myself aloud is amazing. Not only do I hear my voice, I get to talk, & the material I'm reading I'm comprehending better. Hmmm Go figure. So my day is starting out pretty good. It is a GOOD day! I hope yours is too. :-)

It's Morning...it's an attitude

7:45am -- can't sleep anymore. Do I feel rested? Maybe...I just realize I can't stay in bed anymore. I'm tired of being tired. Parts of me want to be horizontal but others are ready to start the day. Life is different...what's different from the past few blog ramblings you might ask? Each day doesn't seem as bad as the last. There is something new or I should say renewing. Maybe it's an attitude adjustment. But there it is hope in some of my hopeless thoughts. I can change the way I think and express myself. My spirit doesn't seem as broken hearted...maybe feelings get the best of me at times. But I know I can do this...work this out...be who I should be not what others expect of me. "God's Amazing Love" is stronger then any depressive thought or action.

"sleep hygiene"

Sleep....ugh I know I need sleep when I yawn more and more during the day. Maybe it's because I'm home and nothing is making me to things physically. (like I could after surgery) anyways, sleep. I have had problems with sleeping long before being stuck at home. Anxiety, restlessness over the days activities...worring about things I just can't change. Maybe it's part of the depression or is that just an excuse for not following a good "sleep hygiene". I think I go to bed at a regular time (my husband is the one who sets this...otherwise, I would stay up all hours of the night if I'm honest.) We do sleep with the radio on low but we also have the white noise of the fan. I like to have a heavy afghan on my legs...not just for warmth but for weight. I think my sleep is effected by my dreams. I've been dreaming very vivid dreams. Is it the meds I taken or is it I'm open to thoughts? My counselor doesn't take dreams too seriously but I can't help to wonder if any of it has a reality base. I've realized I like the sleep aid that was prescribe. I like how I feel when I wake up. Maybe it's ok to feel good about waking up not tired and sad.

Smells of Spring

The sense of smell...do we take for granted? I ponder this thought this morning as I woke up becuase for some reason I suffer more allergies in the winter then spring. If it wasn't for the claritin (generic), I couldn't breath let alone smell. As to be still on the ill side, I've recieved flowers a couple of times in the last weeks. Mostly roses (my favorite) but I did get unusally potted flowers that keeps blooming even after all these weeks. What a great idea. It has all different kinds of blubs that are blooming one after another so it's still a very pretty design. The tulips are starting to come on now with different colors. But the whole thing smells like spring...something just around the corner. Hope...something just around the corner...New beginnings...new life...IT seems God is wanting me to focus on renewing my mind and spirit. From readings, sermons, other blogs I read...it's a resounding theme that keeps my thoughts of renewing. I need to be more open to God's direction. I am accepted by his GRACE through his son, I am forgiven.

F orever thankful
O rignal from the beginning
R enewed mind & spirit
G iving to others
I ntentional
V erified
E nergized
N ew self worth

Expectations

What do you expect out of life -- family, friendships, relationships, a sense of purpose? I expect love -- to be love and to love. How can I show the unconditional love and not wanting something in return? I expect trust that people aren't out to hurt me. But are my reactions the cause of pain or my perception to view pain? I need to live for today. I need to be joyful for the moments I have. Aren't they all numbered?

Ceiling Lights

Do you ever just wonder staring into your ceiling fan lights? I have an interesting lights. There not that bright but it's in a crystal globe that reflex light into different directions across the ceiling. You can see if you look closely enough the different colors. Ok So what is color...blues melting into pinks, oranges into yellows, greens turning back into blues...is perception color? Why don't we think of just black and white. Is color life? Is living in color happiness? Because God made light, he gave color for experiences. One of my tasks today is to take all my pain meds out of my cabinet and give to my sponsor. Why...maybe as a precaution, I don't know but I came close to taking more then I needed to think about. I know I'm the one in control...how does taking pills but me in control? It's the same with food. I have the ability now to decided what, when, where I eat whether it be food, liquids, or pain pills. Its my choice. Its' my color. If I'm forgiven for everything I've done in the past, present, & future thereby maybe I'm complete with this life and time to move on...but wait...I'm not done...I still love too many things in this life to give in to that temptation. Is that a sign of hope out of all this hopelessness? What is the color of hope? "WHATEVERSO IS GOOD...THINK ON THESE THINGS"

Cloudy with Sunshine

As the morning dawned, Heidi the cat was in a playful mood all over the bedroom. She was not a willing participate for sleeping late today. She held her ground and even attached Josie the dog. So needless to say, I finally aroused and got out of bed. The sunshine was clearly coming in my mini blinds letting me know that it was here to stay today. I'm still a little sad from last night's overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. Why can't I get through my pee brain that my life isn't that bad. It could be a lot worse. It was bad enough to think...ok I'm off work for like forever, why not just take the whole bottle of pain killers...it would be so much easier. Why stop there, I have a ton of drugs...it would be so easy...but what stopped me? Guilt, shame? No...I think I'm not ready to die yet. I love too many still, and I really know how much I would hurt others if I did something so stupid. It is stupid of me to think that. Isn't? I need people. I need to let people in. I need to be honest with myself. What does it matter that I can't have children. Should that be the end of my world? Think of all the good things about not having the responsibilities. Can I be happy without a child. I'm not even thinking of children now...just a child. One made with love and looks like the both of us. Would I be a good parent...would if I wouldn't? Maybe that's a reason why I can't...why God would not allow! How come God would not allow? Oh where is this leading me too? I have to read and read over and over my cards...flash cards of positive thinking..."Because of Christ and his redemption, I am COMPLETELY forgiven and FULLY PLEASING to God. I am TOTALLY ACCEPTED by God."

Sunshine

Hmmm they say this is the first day in nine days since the sun has shine...does that make a mood different. I don't know...it did seem a little different today but then again it was the first day I've been out of the house in 4 days. A part of me is yearning for more sun...maybe tomorrow will shed some more light. I wonder why I really want to just hide under the covers and watch someone else live life. That doesn't seem much like fun. But then there's another part of me that wants to be around people and the more the merrier. I'm going to be sitting around the house a lot more then I want while I recover from surgery. It's only been a week and I still have 8 more to go. How am I ever going to live through this when I'm already sad. But that's not forever is it? Are we ever going to be happy with life or is it that I'm not happy with who I am? So who am I? Maybe that's the direction to go tomorrow! For now, I'll be content to be who I am at this moment and be glad that I can still breath, hear, smell, taste, & touch things of this world for what they exsits to me at this time.

Struggling with Depression

Hi, don't know who you are or why I'm starting this blog. It seems a good place to start. Maybe it's for my own sanity that if I can just reason with myself I can talk myself out of this deep fog. So enjoy the ramblings of a now 38 year old female who is not entirely sure what she wants out of life or what her true purpose is for life. Career, husband, car, house don't seem to be the fulfill what we dreamed as when I was a kid of the perfect life. Fears of every day life now create a worry environment that I think everything is so wrong....but is it. Not really. Then why can't I see that or truly believe that it's ok. I am ok. I can make it through this time in my life. I have been working on this for over a year now. Between a counselor and now a physiologist -- the drugs scare me but I think are working. I am still trying to be in control of everything but learning to let somethings go. You might ask what has a control freak actually let go...well for one I'm actually asking for help from friends, acquaintances, and even my husband. But the biggest thing I now realize I don't need to do is to myself. I don't feel the need to be punished when I fail.