Every Light is On that I can Turn on

but am I home? Oh God search me and know my thoughts...I am so struggling tonight...why are Thursday nights so hard for me to get through? This week has been a good week...but then there's tonight. I don't want to think anymore but I can't shut off my brain. It's like it's own idenity. Is this the time to call my sponsor? Probably -- willingly not a choice I want to make. Ahh, such need to feel pain? Why? The chills that run circles around and around my body. How can I sleep? What is my husband thinking of me not being there in bed...what a bad wife I feel. How can I feel so cold. I know nothing good is coming out of this night. What is my association with pain do to the feelings I have? Is it a tempoary mask or bandaid? Or am I in a need to be the center of attention? Who will know? I can hide a few bruises. I've done that before I can do that again. What's changed in me from this mornings out pourings of if I should say "joy". Maybe I think I need to be punished for feeling better. Oh why can't I get more light? It seems so dark. The dog & cat can sleep. Oh where am I heading...it's been 33 days since the last hit...33 days...how can I give into something I wanted to stop for a while. Why didn't I just get rid of that hammer! The hammer of emotions. I dare not hold it right now...God, I must be crazy. I feel so small and helpless. I know that's a misbielf but it's so strong -- how do I change...Oh God, help me make it through this moment, I prayed. Is he listening? Can he hear me? Why can't I feel connected? It would make it all so much easier. Staring at the screen doesn't seem to help but maybe a comfort...shivering am I cold or is it fear? What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid? I'm afraid of losing what control I have, I'm afraid of failing over and over again, I'm afraid of not being good enough to make it...make it as an adult. That scares me. Sleep...please let me go to sleep.