Cloudy with Sunshine

As the morning dawned, Heidi the cat was in a playful mood all over the bedroom. She was not a willing participate for sleeping late today. She held her ground and even attached Josie the dog. So needless to say, I finally aroused and got out of bed. The sunshine was clearly coming in my mini blinds letting me know that it was here to stay today. I'm still a little sad from last night's overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. Why can't I get through my pee brain that my life isn't that bad. It could be a lot worse. It was bad enough to think...ok I'm off work for like forever, why not just take the whole bottle of pain killers...it would be so much easier. Why stop there, I have a ton of drugs...it would be so easy...but what stopped me? Guilt, shame? No...I think I'm not ready to die yet. I love too many still, and I really know how much I would hurt others if I did something so stupid. It is stupid of me to think that. Isn't? I need people. I need to let people in. I need to be honest with myself. What does it matter that I can't have children. Should that be the end of my world? Think of all the good things about not having the responsibilities. Can I be happy without a child. I'm not even thinking of children now...just a child. One made with love and looks like the both of us. Would I be a good parent...would if I wouldn't? Maybe that's a reason why I can't...why God would not allow! How come God would not allow? Oh where is this leading me too? I have to read and read over and over my cards...flash cards of positive thinking..."Because of Christ and his redemption, I am COMPLETELY forgiven and FULLY PLEASING to God. I am TOTALLY ACCEPTED by God."