Haunting Places

As we flip around the channels we come across a british station on their famous hauntings...but you know it was more hype with no real facts or proof...all subjective. Do I believe in hauntings? I don't think there are ghosts so to say but I wonder about lingering souls. Is that part of thier hell if they didn't make it to heaven? I know from what I read in the bibile, there is a spiritual warfare going on around us we just can't see it. So yes, if I believe in angels then I believe in demons...

Depression: Is that a battlefield and I'm just one of the players? How many angels are on myside...even when I'm so ready to give up. There have been soo many times when I just wanted not be around or exisit...how do you not exist...can that be a choice each day to live or just get through the day. The gray areas are so blah...I still like the black or white maybe that's part of my problem. I don't see what's so wrong about it. I realize it's part of my perception that makes it wrong. What I first believe isn't always the real reality.

Medication: medical or mental -- does one help the other or hinder? Since I've been more supervised over taking my meds correctly...I guess they have helped. At least I can say there are good moments in each day as opposed to the day just sucked!

So that brings me back to my title...hauntings. I think I am haunted by what I thought I was, what I think I should be, and where I'm at now. No matter how many pills or counseling I do will ever fill the emptyness. Is that my reality?

limbo

Have you ever felt like you are suspended in time...on hold...where it's niether good or bad but it's just there? There feels like no purpose or point to the moment. It doesn't matter if you are happy or sad. So I'm challenged is that ok...can that be a place I can live in? Accept it a normal reality. My heart yerns for more to that but my mind is so tired of trying to fufill and achieve that goal. I struggle with the notion of getting up and doing something each day. And as time goes by I wonder if it time for bed so that I can sleep and not think. Then that puts me into limbo...how flexable and bendable can I be and still function in this socitey.

Anywhere, Everywhere..

As I type on my new laptop...I'm free to go anywhere in the house. Wow!!! but that's just the beginning of the saga. The holidays with friends and family well more his family...but that's ok...things are really going pretty well considering where I was a week ago. That's been in my thoughts all week. There are worse places I could be. That were I could be if I'm not careful.

Been down this road before....

you'd think I would know which way to turn!! Counting isn't an option anymore but the desire is there -- just would be a little harder to do in secret. Hitting isn't an option but the release of pressure would be a welcomed sigh of relief. Thoughts of "zoning out" are part of the scenery but because it's the escape I can only do but it's a fantasy -- not real. Do I want it to be real is the question I keep pondering and what are the consequences for those actions that would make it real. So the other question is what are my "real" options?

Thought of the Day

ABANDON:
noun: the trait of lacking restraint or control; freedom from inhibition or worry
noun: a feeling of extreme emotional intensity
verb: give up with the intent of never claiming again
verb: forsake, leave behind
verb: stop maintaining or insisting on; of ideas, claims, etc.
verb: leave someone who needs or counts on you; leave in the lurch

All alone in an sterile environment when you reachout to the outside world...no one is there when you really need them to be. Is that the lesson in life I'm suppose to learn? Maybe its more along the lines of priorities...I think it's all about me while others around me have their own lives with their own struggles to deal with too and just maybe they are too tired of me wanting their attention. A bigger world out there then here with my keyboard.

There's no place like home....

I just spent the worse 24 hours of my life in a place I should never been. How completely alone and isolated from every aspect of what was my life. All I could like of was what if I lost it all and this is what is left? How I prayed that I could just go home that someone would realize this was a big mistake...

Because it's the right thing to do...

it's what is expected...it is normal...I don't feel normal...instead I feel very much on the edge leading one direction or the other. Crying seems to help release the tension but it's so slow. I just want to sleep. Why can't I sleep? What's the magic combination to turn the brain off! I haven't found that on my quests! I think I'll cry some more.

A hop, skip, & a jump!

I would generally say "today sucked" but you know it didn't start out that way...I got up early and got ready and actually felt like wearing color besides black...big improvement! Got to work...boss was ready to head out the door and everything was together going smoothly...got some work done...accomplishment...started on the back burner files....ugh -- cosmo timesheets. I hate doing them. I ALWAYS find errors...this wasn't the exception today. The instructor makes it seem like it's my fault her numbers don't match....it's a game of tennis back and forth....my head just hurts...then the phone calls...when did I become so popular today? Why does everyone want something from me!! It's 7:30 and I feel like I'm reliving this day over and over again. When will this merry-go-round ride end? but the thought is there's another day waiting tomorrow...and I'm afraid to face it! I just want to sleep and turn my brain off for the night.

Water.....

ok...walk up to the edge...one foot in -- instant shock that makes you hold your breath, Next foot in...letting a little time pass as your body adjusted to the water tempeture. The decision of the mind...do it slowing or all at once...I like torture...I pick slowly. Taking baby steps deeper into the calm waters -- very little movement as I desend. Can't feel my feet...but am reminded of the tempeture at the surface. Submerged except my head is above the waters. Deep breaths of air are required...

Even bubble baths now have a downside. As long as I keep it hot...hypethermia as a pose to hypothermia....

Lost...

adjective: perplexed by many conflicting situations or statements; filled with bewilderment

Confused, scared, worried....

Frantic [marked by uncontrolled excitement or emotion] efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment [withdrawing support or help despite allegiance or responsibility]

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization[defense mechanism that splits something you are ambivalent about into two representations--one good and one bad] and devaluation [the reduction of something's value or worth]

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self,

Impulsivity [proceeding from natural feeling or impulse without external stimulus] in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior,
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphasia, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days),

Chronic [being long-lasting and recurrent or characterized by long suffering] feelings of emptiness [lacking reality, substance, meaning, or value]

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights),

Transient [one who stays for only a short time], stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative [a state in which some integrated part of a person's life becomes separated from the rest of the personality and functions independently] symptoms.

Overboard....

An overdose occurs when a chemical substance (i.e. drug) is ingested in quantities and/or concentrations large enough to overwhelm the homeostasis of a living organism, causing severe illness or death. Essentially it is a type of poisoning.

I used to think it was ok to take extra tylenol or two...extra shot of Nightquil...but that isn't where my story starts. One year ago I was given the choice to seek professional psychritatic help with my depression. The thought was there must be a chemical imbalance. Did I buy into it? I did it because I was told to and it would make me think and feel better. I also continue therapy. I guess its been about 2 months ago that I've not taken my meds at the right times or even at all. Didn't notice a difference. Then it lead to counting what pills I had and how many mg there was in the house. I like numbers, I like stats. Not that I would ever use this information I thought - I'm a smart educated person. But I lost control. It was like an experiment to see how far I could push the envelope. I thought I was in control and could control the situation. I even boast about doing something very wrong thinking I really didn't do anything lethal wrong. How far was too far -- I didn't know anymore. I don't know how to stop these thoughts from process to actions. I obsess and I can't release control til I've figured out a plot finish! I'm powerless and can't seem to find any comfort in a greater power.

Crossing the line and not realizing it?

When did it happen? I thought I was in control the whole time. I knew what I was doing was stupid, wrong...but I did it anyways...now I have to face up to it and I'm scared.

Vetable City here I come....

get me ready to be alseep as soon as the pills kick in. I'm done with making one more moment for the night.

Wandering amlessly into the night...

Picked up Josie and Heidi from the vets today....Josie seemed happy and smelled very good, fresh bows she's ready for the holidays...Heidi on the other hand was meowing and not in her friendly meows...guess she didn't like all the fuss to get her annual check up including her rabies shot. I was at least smart this time and put her in a carry kennnel.
Stopped on my way home and got dinner....yum ah the first ssign are cooming. I just wadering.III foook an avanderung around while fall in the the next peruper haaaa I give in....the meds when.....I can barely funcintons2

Mornings...

seem to get earlier and earlier these days. I wish I could sleep longer but at least I'm able to get to sleep. I fell asleep with my glasses on...it was weird waking up to clear vision...as I crawled out of bed and wandering down the hallway..I've locked Heidi in the computer room all night...oops Not a very happy cat. After the protest of meows she settles in at her bowl to eat her late dinner. All is quiet in the house as I sip my hot tea while wondering what to blog about today. So many thoughts running through my head but most I can't openly write about...too hard, too personal, too real.

One of the realizations I've been pondering is the fact that I'm not taking my meds as I should. I'm afraid that I really do need something...that I'm going to lose control...that I'm going to have to take them forever! My dr reassures me that's not going to happen. Can I really trust his opinion? He see's me for 15 minutes every 6 weeks...how does he know? Will they really help? Oh the doubts, confusion and the irrational beliefs I buy into daily leaves the helpless, hopeless, desporate options available.

HI HO it's off to work I go!

Well, I'm not sure I can call it work...but I actually enjoy what I do part-time. I got to drive the big rig today. Pretty cool. Pulling a 24 hour shift...like to get paid while I sleep! There are some downsides -- think a really nice person died...it was just her time -- nothing I could do about it but make her comfortable. Made an impact on how I would react to each situation.

Thanksgiving Specials

Ok...14 hours with immediate family in one room...leaves me to think the next day of "family" and 3 weeks from now it will be a repeat. Too much food for just about 10 people...and this was supposed to be a simple meal. The day turned out to be a relative quiet one without major incidents...(brothers being brothers)...They actually got together and play some ball but mostly watched it on tv...(yeah...wvu won! Go Mountianeers!) I think everyone read the sales papers about 3 times with everyone commenting on one thing or another and deciding that getting up at 5 or camping out at the stores door wasn't worth the savings...ha Shopping, crowds, doesn't sound appealing to me even if it's Christmas Shopping...maybe if it snowed or just seemed alittle bit more like the holidays (whatever that is) I would enjoy doing that...

Here kitty, kitty...

ok...left the bathroom door ajared after my early morning trip...which I've done so many times before...then she strikes...one curious paw at a time. She likes shining stuff...(what girl doesn't) 9:45 am getting ready for the day...I go into the bathroom to get my rings...my rings....omg...where's my solitare? wedding band but no solitare... Hiedi...what did you do with my ring? she just meows...I start my frantic search of the floor. Check the hallway...living areas, under the furniture....back to the bathroom...it's got to be here, please let me find it. Soon my husband joins in the search all the while grumbling about leaving the door open...oh my solitare...it's got to be here somewhere...laying on the bathroom floor...I find the 1/2 inch crack between the floor tile and the cabinet. Ewwweeee very gross things my finger comes in contact. Oh please let me find it! Yes...it's there I can feel it...ahh as my husband comes down the hallway ready to give up...I open my hand that there it was. My solitare...the tears rolling down in an uncontrolable sob...I found it!

Chocolate...cures all worries

It's been a while but I decided to indulged in some milk chocolate whipped frosting...how intreging one spoonful of fluffy heaven can make you feel all good especially on a Monday. The bright side: tomorrow will be a Friday...no more school for the rest of the week. Holidays, family functions, people...I think I'm going too need some more frosting.

Safety within Numbers

...safe...relative term...safe...how will I know...safe...if I keep typing it maybe I'll believe it...safe...

Sunday Blues

Ahhh it's 5:30 am and I'm awake snuggled next to the dog and inches away from my snoring husband. I watch him breathe, I find my self counting his breaths. Wonder what he thinks when he's asleep? I wonder if he's dreaming good things...not bad? I hate bad dreams. I don't know what they mean. I lay awake thinking about what I dreamed. It's making me anxious. It was just a dream I try to remind myself. Why do I take it so personal. Snap out of it. It's not real. Go back to sleep...close your eyes. Think of good things...good things...there's got to be some good things to ponder! 6:45 am...ok...if I take half a sleeping pill...maybe I can get some more sleep. A hot cup of tea sounds good too. That will relax me into sleep. Realizing taking something will mean I probably won't be up in time for the first service but I'll set my alarm just in case...8:30...the alarm goes off...still groggy I roll over and turn it off and snuggle back down. 10:00 am...I missed the first service. Get up! Second service starts in 30 minutes...there is time. What to wear...black, warm, and what's available on the floor. Hair -- ugh not going to cooperate should of taken a shower...won't sit by anyone too close maybe no one will notice. As I'm driving down the highway...I realize my exit is next...ugh...wake up! Pay attention. Pull into the parking lot. Do I really want to go in...you can do it. One step in front of the other. Make it to my seat without anyone stoping to chit chat! Breathe...this is a good place...the music starts...oh words...don't read the words...you don't live like that...no...Breathe...why did they have to sit behind me. Listen to the music, don't think....breathe. I can't stand it...I have to get out. Too many people. Oh...they are standing up ...now's my chance if I'm going to go. I can slip out with out too much attention. Why did I even try? Home sounds so safe...home...now what?

Saturday leaves

blowing in the cool crisp windy day. Stayed pretty close to my bed. I just can't think so clearly today...it feels like a whole different world.

Friday Night Fever

So by 3 I'm coherent enought to allow myself to go to a football game with ton's of people, by 6...all i have to do is concentrate on the quarterback and each play....nothing eles in my mind to preocupied it! by 12...I think I'm ready for bed ...just a little experment. Reasonably happy...with a little help!

Step by Step...

STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. That our lives had become unmanageable.

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18

unmanageable...that seems to be an understatement. I keep repeating this verse over and over when I'm stuck on doing something wrong...it just reinforces all I believe to be true. No matter how hard I try there's is nothing I can do to make it right. I "feel" so stuck...in the same pattern over and over again like it repeats consistently everyday. No one understands...I just can't communicate what it's like. Verbally it sound lame (even writting it doesn't sound that great either). How am I to change something that I KNOW is illrational, obsessive, and compulsive? I just think I've done this unpardonable sin but when I put it (sin) in to words it really doesn't make sense. The guilt is still there. The shame of feeling it is stronger and feeds into the other thoughts. The anxiety builds until something small sets me off into a panic moment.

Object of my Obsession..

"Obsessions refer to intense thoughts, worries, or images that are experienced as intrusive and unwanted...[it] is an unrealistic or overexaggerated worry or concern about something..."

I don't know why I think the way I do...it's just natural. Unfortunitly it isn't alway healthy! Greatest fear: not being wanted, accepted, valued for who I am. I try so hard to be what people want me to be when I fail it's all my fault. I could of done something different to get the right response I was looking for. Obsessing over every detail until I've driven myself crazy or internalized the anger into rage. What most people see on the outside...someone who doesn't smile...when on the inside raging storm...my most interthoughts imagining the worst case view point. Now the question is "who am I" if I can't answer that...how are others to see me or should that matter. I've recognized the emotions that I'm experiencing are irrational or illogical but at the time...the anxiety and stress are not. They are real fueled by my own thoughts. Gain strength each minute I dwell. The climax ending in a very self distructive behavior generally something that causes pain. The more intense the better the release. Are there other options out? Can I break the cycle...who am I kidding...I just replace one bad habit with another equally as bad that if not change will get out of hand...I am not in control and nobody knows how bad!

No where to go

but to bed...I wish I could just turn off! I'm so tried to thinking!!

Numbers Squared!

Did you know there are about 286 beans in a cup....1716 in a pound...8580 in 5 lbs....and I guess I could go on and on...but I'm losing interest in counting beans. I counted 213 cars I passed on the highway until that got boring...that leads me back to counting the one thing I've been trying to avoid. But you know I don't feel complete unless it's done. And it has to be done a certain way or I have to start all over and recount. Why can't I let it go? Why does it cause such great anxiety before I've even started? I know it's wrong therefore I must be the crazy one...no one normal would do this! I have to know to have any peace...ahhhhh is there such a place?

It's just a numbers game...

one mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi, four mississippi -- it's all about numbers however way you look at things...

I like to count when I'm nervious or bored. Ceiling tiles in the doctors office to random patterns in a rug. Counting calms me...methodical, to the point & with a purpose. I count in a crowd -- how many are wearing blue or there are so many women to men. So now I ask the question, is that compulsive or a game or both? I can remember when I was a kid, riding in the car on long trips doing the alphabet sign game (looking for each letter and you couldn't go on to the next letter until you found it on a sign, license plate, or bumper sticker! ha) Have I grown up to the next level of counting? Does it ever end? no, it doesn't-- I've tried many of times to see how many minutes I could count in a row and I'd get bored after about 500...silly really but that's part of how I think.

Which way the wind blows..

Yesterday it was strong from the south...hot and dry...today it's from the north...damp and cool

kind of like the roller coaster of emotions from contentment to high anxiety...some wise person said in not so many words but that I am in control of that...do I believe him is the question? I realize that I'm different then 6 months ago...definitely for the better. But there are those days of hopelessness just less of them...maybe I am in control but it's just one day at a time.

Smoke Screen

It was a beautiful sunny day! Couldn't ask for better weather...sun screen, lemonade, scanner, and we're set for the nascar races...busch on Saturday, cup on Sunday! Saturday was more fun; I don't know if it's because it's the first day or because the seats are so much better. Sunday was ok...but the people around us. I'm glad it wasn't the "frat" boys but there was still a lot of beer drinking going on. What was just as bad though was the guy in front of us smoking a cigar. Talk about smoke screen...he made that one cigar last (way tooo long) almost the entire race! Second hand smoke was definitely in the picture. I'm really glad I didn't pick up that bad habit younger...tried a few times but just couldn't take the "puff" and the smell! Not something I'd enjoy...I guess along with that was beer...gross! Never could understand what was so great about beer let alone get drunk on it! Wouldn't call that fun! Guess I'm square! Don't get me wrong...I have other addictions that are just as bad...working on those issues one at a time...Guess I have my own "smoke screen" too! It's just not as visible.

Panic

my heart is racing and I'm shaking...how am I supposed to fall asleep...I think I watched too much tv...too much stimuli! Breathing is not an option...I'm afraid of the unknown...

what a real friend should be...

bff or best friends forever...was a term I learned this week. A student wrote it on his contact card and put his best friend's number down. Got me to thinking...over the years I've had a lot of friends...but are they real friends...so what is a real friend? Honest - I know a lot of people who are honest with me. Sincere - truly want to hear about my day and share with me about theirs (ok...that will weed out about 10 people, I guess those are aquintances or causal friends) I-can-telling-them-anything-and-they-won't-be-shocked friend -- ok that leaves about 3; if I'm stranded on the side of the road...3Then there is always the mom/friend thing..but you know...there are things you just don't tell your parents I don't know how old you get! And that's a whole other blog!Along with that -- there's God...how does he play a role as a friend...it's not like you can carry on a conversation (unless talking to yourself is cool; I don't think so!) and I know he answers in other ways...but how are you to depend on "other ways" when you want an answer NOW! ok, I'm side tracked so let's get back to...FRIENDS

I hope I'm a real friend to someone too!

Reflections...

I was thinking as I was reading a bunch of blogs tonight...and some were from men old enough to be my dad. My dad died in 1999 and a part of me still doesn't realize that if that makes sense. But I got to thinking what my dad would do in this blogging world of the internet. He'd probably have a cool computer website and talking about all the latest gagits...but would he blog personally? I'm surprise I blog personally let alone anyone in my family...well my niece would...we're a lot a like...scarey! It's funny that I'd share my blog with the world but I don't tell my family my blog address...too personal, too close for comfort. But back to the subject...IF my dad blogged personal what would he be saying...I think his faith would have a big impact on his site along with our family. I don't know if he'd tell stories but I'm sure there were stories he'd share about my frantic calls home in what I perceived as a crisis! When anything mechanical or for that matter minor things happen...you always called your dad...at least I did. From lights that appeared on the dash of my car to when are you coming out to see me...I have my handyman list ready! (Even after I got married...) Now my father-in-law mostly gives me advice...I hate asking him to do things since he's getting older and doesn't need to be actually messing with things...but he's good to bounce thoughts off of with things to do especailly when it comes to the house things...he's smart but he didn't teach his son what he knows...ha Overall, that's when I miss my dad the most...when something breaks or I need his opinion on what I should do next...I'm thinking about about changing my gas logs back to where I can burn wood...for looks and smell more then heat...I know, I know...fireplaces actually take more heat out of the house then they are worth...but you got to go with the feelings...right?

Lights, camera, ACTION!

Center stage, full spotlight...and I'm the main character. How everyone around me effects me...How I effect others. Isn't that what day to day living gets us? I tend to analize my reactions...if I don't think I reacted well, I think I was bad or I should of been this way more, sooner, stronger, less emotional! Controlled! So this week, it's my story...it's all about my reactions and how I feel...how do I feel? I feel vulnerable...that I have to be on guard because if I'm not someone is out to hurt me if I let them! Which leads me to withdrawal from this world and this reality! I just don't want any part of it...being in a group of people makes me anxious then panic sets in...thought processes revert back to old habits...it all comes down to -- am I really worth the time for someone to know what I really think! You'd think after having the same thoughts over and over that I could change my reactions. I so ready for this day to be over...crawaling under the covers and dreaming...of a better place, a better time!

Passing of Time

There is a hole in the world now...A center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains. A perspective in this world unique in this world which once moved this world has been rubbed out..There is nobody who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembers, loves what he loved...Questions I
have can never now get answers. The world is emptier...(Nicholas Wolterstorff)

A friend, mentor passed away a few weeks ago. I was struck by the fact that he is no longer here. I just can't call him up and ask for his advice. Buddy was someone I looked up to like a father. He was kind and full of understanding but grounded in reality and faith. I know he's in a better place in heaven but it doesn't help the heartache of the lost. Parts of me know I'm being sentimental. It was his time, and God called him home. Home...one day we'll all be home. So I know I will see him again some day. Grieving for a friend and facing reality that he really isn't here anymore.

Choices...

so many choices to choose each day...when to get up, what to do, what to wear...little things when put together add up to a day in time. I find myself trying to choose based on the past or the future. What about today...the now...the present? I choose based on feelings...but my feelings aren't always true. How do you tell what to believe when you're not sure of why you believe!

Knock, Knock...

nobody home! Today was the second day of fall break...no students...and the place was desserted (no teachers - 1 admistrator and 5 support staff). 8 hours of entertaining myself with tasks that I've been putting off since school started. The day started with a struggle to get out of bed. Didn't want to but did it anyways. I think if I could have I would have fallen asleep for once. That doesn't happen very often anymore. But anyways...did a lot of thinking... some good but there were moments when I thought I was going to cry (back to that again!) How to make it through the day!! I always seem to but thoughts of why goes back to the nothing blog yesterday. Nothing seems that important anymore. Something should fill that space of thought!

Nothing

is it always about something or can it be about nothing. I don't want to do anything. Nothing sounds interesting. There's nothing on to watch...is sitting and staring at the wall something or nothing?

Pyramids......

ok...so geometry wasn't my favorite math subject but I liked math so I memorized and moved on...today it's be a simple triangle that I've been pondering all day. Why would that bother, worry, annoy a 38 year old female. I don't have a good answer but it does. I guess I'm connecting the dots and trying to logically think my way out of geometry. (side a2 + side b2 should equal side c2 -- I know algebra always to my rescue!) and I think today I might remember my teacher's words that geometry isn't logical stop trying to making it! (it seems a resounding theme) I'm dreading going to work tomorrow like it's a geometry test and I have to proof a circle isn't round or that 3 points always make a triangle. The worse case senario leads me in the middle of the triangle while my coworkers are playing dodge ball...I don't move very fast and it's all about the circle and triangles of points. Which ball and who's the one to throw it and how hard will it be...ok...last question: how does 3 points on a straight line form a triangle or is a line straight -- I forget!!

Fluids does a body good....

Ok for the second time in 4 days I've had to have an IV of fluids. The first hour after you almost feel normal -- normal...I've been poke, stuck, felt, ultra sound, ct scan, and looked at like I was crasy! hmmm makes you feel so much better when you are already running a fever! When all is said and done...comes down to a really bad kidney infection (ok so why did it take 2 trips to the er and one to the pcp to figure this out?) So I'm a vegtable for the last 3 days...hopefully I'll be functioning by Monday after the antibotics kick in. Until then what am I doing...stressing over not being at work and all the work there is to do...I even went to work for an hour (which might be a reason for the second trip to the er...) to finish some letters that just had to go out on Friday and no one else could do them. I don't know if that is job security or that I've dropped the ball as a "team" player by being sick. Being sick is becoming a habit for me the last couple of years.

Rock Bottom

can I just crawl under the rock a got out of this morning? Staying in denial and fanatasy seems to be the easiest thing to do until you're drawn back into reality of work & bosses & people...all that did was make me angry!

4 by 3

it's funny how a grown woman can find comfort in a 4 by 3 closet...but I like the dark and so does my cat. I'm on the verge of just being antisocial -- just black seems to be the color of choice today...forget about the white and other colors.

The FOG....

there is something in there! I think I'm scared of my own shadow at times. What should not be an every day occurance turns out to be more normal then not. Ever since Wednesday, I've been in this mental fog that has me trapped. But who's doing the trapping...I just can't seem to stop before it runs that course. Can't I ever put more then a couple of days together...I've slept more, dreamed more, watched tv more in the last 3 days then I've done this whole month. Fog...white cloudy...fog...it's like it has it's own control...so there is something out there...I wished it would go away!

Is it Friday YET?

I know...it's only Monday but I could sure thinking about it being Friday. Acutally, I had a decent weekend. I played EMT on Friday and got to drive the big truck (frieghtliner). Now the other ambulances are easier to drive...ha Sunday I stayed home with my husband and watch a marathon of TV...it was nice to veggie without feeling restless.

Is the sun even up?

Ugh! Woke up at 4 am this morning and just can't seem to go back to sleep. Thought about taking my sleeping pill but then I didn't want to be tired at work! I have my second job tonight too and it's until midnight. Hopefully that will make me sleep longer for tomorrow morning! How much I really hate being up before the sun rises...it's just not right! (not a morning person if you couldn't tell!) Thought I'd do breakfast but do I want eggs....rumiging through the frig I find left over blackberry cobbler...hmmmm that sounds pretty good! ha That's what I need...a ton of sugar to get my day started off right. Will this be a good day? I'm hoping so...

Anxiety versus Panic....

Which is which....does anxiety produce panic or panic produce anxiety? So here's a logical thought...worry produces stress which leads to anxiety when left alone causes a panic reaction...So therefore add in the black & white proccessing and you have complete illrational thoughts going through your mind at a 100 miles a minute (well, maybe not that fast, but I think you get the point!)

My boss threw another curve ball and said that he's a "macro" manager and when he says he wants his files done...he doesn't care how I do it as long as I have rational and it's organized. Ok...I've been over "mirco" managed that my brain isn't as trusting as my boss thinks I can do besides it's a lot hard to just "easy on" by with work when you have an actual say in the work. How can there be no right or wrong way to do files? That's hard for me to judge on how I'm doing. I am so used to having to "find" what is expected and then do it that way. As my pulse races and my breathing is shallow, I'm now wondering if the last 4 hours of work was profitable, did I do it right...what will he say tomorrow, will he even notice? Creating the anxiety -- can I break the cycle?

Everything is Red...

Red tape, red paper, red pen, red ink...oh how much I don't like red right now! Why...it's back to the black and white issues....red just adds color to a black and white picture...it's messy, it's disorganized, it's upsetting, it's alarming, it's anxiety...I even have red toe nails...I'm thinking of taking that off...I just don't want to see red for a while...is that possible in the world? Can I just boycott a color when most of my closet right now is every shade of red, pink, purple...

Afraid of Fear...the unknown

Well, its another typical Sunday and I'm in the veggitated mode...just making it through today and trying not to worry about tomorrow. My anxiety is high but I'm not around anyone to cause it. I'm living in the aftermath of the pass week...how can I just let it go and not dwell. The tension in my neck, shoulders and even jaw are so tight -- if only I could relax. I'm afraid of fear or fear is the controler...I'm afraid of being out of control...constent reminding myself to "talk my way through" the problem/situtation. I'm afraid of turning to God...afraid of punsihment. I do a good job at punishing myself.

Driving the "TRUCK" has been a stress relief. Some would think it would cause more stress...but it's actually pretty fun. I just imagine I'm driving a limo and the comfort of my riders is top priority. Seems to be working well with my partners. But mostly I have to give the credit to my dad for teaching me how to drive in the first place. I think he'd be proud to know I'm driving an ambulance around Oklahoma. It's still a new adventure for me.

I feel....

I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and just singing "la, la, la, la, la" to drown all the noise I'm hearing or thinking. My thoughts are in control...houston we do have a problem!

Now the sane side of me want's to stay in control and not let the other side out....that would be a bad thing! Do I feel sane? Am I in control? Can't I just say I'm being taken over by aliens? That I'm not who I am because of them....ahhhh blame shifting is surfacing....so therefore, am I playing the part of a victum? 911 can't help this situation.

thinking "PINK"

Not that pink was ever a color in my closet growing up…actually very far from that…but as I get older…the “pink” is coming out in me. Is because it makes me feel like a female? I’m I turning into a girly-girl with fluffy pink slippers…hopefully not (but if I admit that, would it be so wrong?) Is “pink” in the gray shadows I’m just starting to realize? Not to repeat myself over and over but I was glad I wore my fuzzy “pink” sweater today…I needed more then anything to feel pink!

Fear is unlocking all the doors that have something out there

Who ever said to open the first door and live in the end or what about the last door? Is there ever a last door or does it go on for eternity?

Fear is the emotional outburst of unbelief..

The Lord is my strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hind's feet, and will make me to walk (not stand still in terror, but to walk) and makes spiritual progress upon my high places of "trouble, suffering, or responsibility". Habakkuk 3:19

What is my most common day fears? What am I afraid of when I wake up in morning? Fears of rejection, failure, insecurities, financial....life stresses and can I really handle them without losing myself in disappointment.

What is my worse case fear? -- That I'd be left alone, abandon, a failure, and no one would or could love me!

I think I sometimes believe in the worse case fear as if it's already happen. It makes me think I'm so selfish or so I feel that I should be giving to others before expecting things for myself...like waiting in line for your turn. One day it will be my turn?

Diversity….you mean there is others besides me out there?

Ok…work made all the employee’s take this “Work Diversity” online presentation. It was pretty lame but then again there were a few things I just have to comment on…(not me!)

You ended up picking different thought process and then be categorized so that you can see how you relate to others at work. Then they give suggestions for personal growth. Not to mention I’m dominate in one and sub dominant in the exact opposite of the dominant. Go Figure! So that leads me into the personal growth list. These are the things I should do more of:

Sometimes look for the easiest way to accomplish a task
Stop being so hard on yourself
Smile more
Be less fault-finding with ideas of others
Actually enjoy a compliment given to you by a respected associate
Refuse to get depressed over a mistake
Overload on fun
Stop feeding a persecution complex
Check to see if your standards are unrealistic
Really forgive someone who has messed up
See the bigger picture
Take more risks
Concentrate more on people and less on details

If anyone who knows me this list fits me pretty much. I’m sure my counselor and sponsor are just “tickled” by this revelation.


Over reaction..

“Some say that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react”

"So, If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall." 1 Corinthians 10:12

A Couple of Things I hate about my LIFE!

“Life doesn't suck as much as I just hate my life!” is a statement I made a few days ago. What is the distinction you might ask? Well, in light of all the devastation in the Gulf Coast I can at least say my life doesn’t suck. I have nice house, 2 cars, 2 good jobs, healthcare, a dog and a cat. (Husband if he counts!) So on the outside…my life does not suck. It goes back to the black and white thinking…it’s either all or nothing…therefore, I just hate parts of my life which leads me to categorized it as I hate my life from the internal aspects.

It’s hard to put the finger on exactly what I hate about my life…but it’s my life! I know I have stresses at work that I don’t like but it’s not like I hate coming to work…I rather work then stay at home. When at work, it’s not like the work is difficult…maybe not as challenging but there are some perks and if I have to admit, there is some fun involved during the 8 hours each day. At home, there’s nothing that really jumps out except cleaning that I really hate but I do it anyways because it needs to be done. So why do I hate my life. I think I hate the routine. There’s no spontaneity or good rewards…I know, I’m part of the generation that expects rewards for doing something that is expected. Where’s my trophy for cleaning kitchen or doing the tons of laundry? I think I’d give my husband a reward if he did that? (I’d also have to pick myself off the floor first! Ha)

Maybe that’s what it is that I hate about my life…I hate the fact that I am an average middle aged woman that doesn’t seem to have the life I thought I’d have when I was old. So does that make me old yet? Am I trying to achieve some ultimate goal that is untamable? Spontaneity is not in my compulsive organized thought process. I’m a planner and then an executor! If you do A and B you’ll get C. But I don’t always get C…That I hate! Is hate an emotion or is it the fuel to anger? Is taking risks spontaneity or poor planning? Then is hate more internal then external or is it to fight for control?

In my own little world, I’m center stage, concentrated attention…in reality; I’m just a small part that makes up a huge story! I feel lost and I hate feeling lost and I hate feeling of being alone in a crowd of people.

Insanity

The act of doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome....

It's only Tuesday and I'm already insane! Can I bang my head on a brick wall and blame someone else for the headache!

The incoherent babbling patient....

Pain pills are a good thing when you are in pain. They also have a great side effect of leaving you totally incoherent! I've enjoyed the blissful covers tuck all around me for the last 24 hours or so in my warm pj's, I veggied and druelled! What made this weekend so hard....long week at work to begin with and then I had two caring friends hand me their babies to hold for a minute or two. How soft their skin was. How tiny their fingers and toes....ahhh the baby fat around their knees...all smelling like a baby (sometimes good and sometimes bad)...How much holding a baby makes that interenal feelings resurface into the emotional roller coaster. How can and 8 lb baby turn this 200 lb woman into a basket full of tears. What have I done that was soooo wrong?

one by one it all fades away....

the tragic story that no one will remember since it not their story to begin with the day in glorious fashions of sheets...

Social Butterfly?

How is wanting to be around people but not socializing normal? Realistically, it's not totally possible but I very good at it! Today I just really don't want to talk.

Rules for Being Human...AGAIN!

Well, I've reread some of my own blogging to realize how overdramatic I get sometimes. One posting I talked about the rules I found on the internet while googling...(love to google!)

You know, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, & 10 are so true. I just couldn't help posting them again.

1. You will receive a body.
2. You will learn lessons.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

Why do I still keep doing the same thing over and over and over again? How many times does it take to learn the correct lesson?

5. Learning lessons does not end.
6. "There" is no better than "here".

"There" seems so much better and I think "here" is not where I want to be! How to be content with now and not tomorrow or yesterday!

7. Others are merely mirrors for you.
8. What you make of your life is up to you.

"Rufuge in...rufuge out" I have to make the choices and not think the options are going to choose themselves. Not making the decision is like making one that goes no where...and I think I want to be somewhere!

9. Your answers lie inside you.

I hate this one because it implies that I already know the right answer but I just don't want to accept it or the consequences!

10. You will forget all this!

How many times to do you have remind yourself that you forget all that you learned the previous day and each day is like starting all over but you know what's going to happen. Why am I so forgetful and not thankful?

In a blink of an eye...

time goes by...in my own little world, in my own little story...I forget the big picture. I think I don't want to be me but then who would I be? I'm I pretending again to be what people want me to be? Do I expect more and give less? Can't there be some pill or drink to get rid of the black and white thought processing nightmare! Oh the drama I play out in my head...the scenes or retakes over and over again. I'm just waiting for someone to yell cut! As the tears flow for no apparent reason, I sit and stare at the monitor. Words on the screen and reading between the lines...am I better or worse? In a blink of an eye all could be gone...my emotional hurricane. Why do I constinely think I can do this on my own...where does God fit in? Why am I so stubborn and proud?

Red toe nail color......

My one rebellion that I've kept up for a long time around. It's what a girl wants to see in her new shoes. Ok what does this all matter to me and the pervospity....is a black and white thing croping back inot the picture?? Right now it all seems so gray and dirty that this is no clear picture or direction around. I need a clearer plan....I just can't see a way out that would not hurt!! Am I sane or am I insane? I guess at least I'm still asking?

The Keys of Life.....

Well...this week the gremlins are at work. My keyboard decided to have a mind of its own. First the 1 key was repeating itself everytime I used a 1 until I hit the space bar. Ok so I used my 1 on my keypad to solve that problem...then next came the t key and so on and so on....I thought ok..time to reboot the cpu and figure out what's happening. But the time I shut down and started back up...the keyboard had a slow death.

You may ask why am I going on about a keyboard. It wasn't just a keyboard...it was an ergo keyboard that fit my fingers for the last 7 years. After plugging in the "standard" keyboard and it worked...I've been cussing at this keyboard for when my fingers don't quite hit the right keys at the appropriate time. I have a new ergo keyboard on order but it will be until Monday before I get it....oh how am I supposed to live with this standard pain in the fingers keyboard! Ahh the traedgy of a lost keyboard -- with one last hug goodbye...in the circle file it went!

"When you get time, will you...."

ugh! That's been my bosses favorite phrase today. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't already having a stressfull day with attendance. Not to mention, I fried my ergo keyboard and I'm having to type on a "plain jane" model that is driving me crazy!!! I hate changes...especcially when they effect my fingers! HA So in my spare time of doing my nails, reading a book, and other important tasks, I need to sort through his files....Guess I should start that now!

Money Tree...

Oh the gray matter of the facts of life...how I wished for more money...I've been blessed but I've been foolished. How I want to degrade myself for letting things like this happen. I do know better and how to be accountable for my spending habits. What we've saved I've had to dip into...the cost of this summer was great. Can I still keep my sanity over not stressing? Ok...this is a very dark shade of gray! A very sad night to a good weekend.

The "Grey" matter...

Shades and shadows of grey are so easily defined in color context but how do you apply it to life. Is the grey matter when you see a small child doing something really cute or laughing at an idot driving down the road with a cell phone attached to their ear? I'm thinking about the grey matters over the last 24 hours...my husband texting me and calling me sweetie...having my old students come and visit me in my new office....watching heidi and josie play with each other....cuddling with heidi even though she doesn't really like that but tolorates me...grey matter...wearing my favorite pink sweater on a really hot day! Grey matter...being told you hired just fill out the paperwork and show up on Tuesday! (yeah) Grey matter....getting out of the waiting room that I've stayed in for so long because I was afraid of risks.

Intellectual Polarization (Black & White)

What else is there to do but when looking for information but to google. My first impression is that white is good and pure therefore black is bad and dark. My first google took me to the artist’s point of view. Yes there is black and yes there is white but it all plays together with shadows. What are my shadows? Are all the shadows the parts of real life? Ahhhh I found the key source: black & white thoughts. “Always" and "never," polar opposite words, tend to characterize the vocabulary. Black and white thinking means seeing the world only in terms of extremes. If things aren't "perfect," then they must be "horrible." I feel like I’m living in a soap opera world. (key the music)

So if I am reading some of what I’ve googled then under duress, I often regress to primitive thinking. I guess I'm regressing to primitive thinking when I am having a hard time and feel overwhelmed by my own emotions. So emotions are everything but yet you’re not supposed to trust your emotions. (emotions = bad / intellectual = good) So I have to ask myself some questions:

Can I be basically an intelligent person and still do something stupid?
Can my husband love me but sometimes be insensitive?
Can one part of my life be difficult and other parts be easier and more enjoyable?
Can a part of my life be difficult now but in the future get easier?
Can some parts of an experience be awful and other parts of it be OK?

I think I’ve believed for a long time that "I'm just not the sort of person other people like." So therefore I want to prove myself. It’s like “OK everyone” “Let’s take a vote to see what Dora should feel here” I’m a human being the last time I check. While googling, I found the following rules:


The Rules for Being Human
1. You will receive a body.
You may like or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.
There is not part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here".
When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here".

7. Others are merely mirrors for you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need, what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this!

In what I read over the last hour, I've seen that it's the number 2-9 that count more the just black or just white. Now applying it to every day living and focusing on it is the challenge.

Perfect in an imperfect environment....

Love software I can work with but hate software where I can't manuver where I want to go. I just need to take the time to train my fingers which keys to hit at which time. It's slowly coming but it's trying my patience. Wanting everything to work when it should and not an operator error is so frustrating. I've had more operator errors then I want to count. Just one screen at a time and one student at a time....I'll get there I hope!

The waiting zone...

I'm just waiting...waiting for something to happen...waiting to find something to do...waiting to feel happy...waiting to start living again...just plain waiting....stuck in a zone where there is always someone else ahead of you and they say wait your turn...I'm just waiting....when will I know it's my turn?

Hide and sleep!

Struggled through today and made it into evening...dreading the next moment again. Found some rays of hope in some roses and hanging on for dear life. No just trying to take courage in doing the same thing tomorrow and the day after that...tonight I'm ready to hibernate! Who cares anymore?

Butterfly and rocks...

15 minutes to go and I'm so nervous. Lots and lots of people.

Oh No...school starts tomorrow!!!

Who said that kids are the only ones who dread school starting. Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. I mean new assignment. I now will be in charge of attendance. I'm afraid I don't know that software as well as I should and I know I'm going to make lots of little mistakes. No one's perfect but I expect myself to be sometimes. Now the key is to remember when I'm not doesn't mean I'm all bad. I've been thinking that for the last couple of days. Being bad. I just didn't think I was being good enough. I keep meausing myself with the world and hate what I see. I thought things would be different since coming home. That I would know how to get out of theses thought processes and not experience them....but they still come. Its back to am I better or worse, good or bad, black or white! How can I survive this week? Why do I think I'm surviving at all? What happens when I panic?

50 Years....and counting

Well, my husband and his three brothers through a big party for their parents. Peggy & Elmer have been married for 50 years this past July. 50 years seems like such a long time. I'm only working on 9 years and that seems like such a long time. I know in content I will be married to Brent for the rest of my life...but will that still be in 41 years? I feel sad since I won't have any children to coordinate it...guess I'd have to plan that too. Right now I'm just trying to make it until tomorrow. It's time to retreat into a bubble bath and hide under the covers and don't come out unless I want to.....those are my expections.

Running on Empty.....

Oh how this week was sooooo long. I'm emotionally drain (or circling the drain) If I thinking staying busy is better then sitting at home doing nothing...I just don't know if I can keep this pace up much longer. Kind of what happened on Tuesday. I was already mad at myself for not getting gas when it was $2.09....then it jumped up to $2.19 and $2.28.....well I thought I had enough to make it to my meeting. I have never run out of gas EVER! Well there's a first time for everything! I was on 169 going north. Heading towards the construction zone at 11th and 244....and I hit the first s and I notice I was slowing down....then going up the second s I notice stepping on the gas peddle it wasn't working (or I wasn't mantaining speed) .....then a slowly rolled to a stop. Cars zooming by on my left and a ton of cars behind me wondering why I'm not moving. I just wanted to cry. (actually I did cry) Who was I going to call to bring me gas? How was I going to get out of this area when it was all concreted and no place to push it out of the road. Oh I could just hear the comments being made already. Then this nice lady snapped me out back into reality and offered to try and push my car. At that point in time....I was grateful. So for about a mile she pushed me until I got through the 244 exit heading towards Garnett. We were both thinking about the gas station there. I pull over on the side and got out and she took me to the station. I thank her but I should of gotten her name and address but I still was in distress and not thinking clearly. As I entered the Quiktrip. I had to buy a $3 gas container and a gallon of gas (@ $2.28) then the trek to my car. Going down the banking was interesting to say the least in sandals. Then of course I couldn't get all the gas from the container in but I got enough in to start. Thank God it started. Putty back to the Quiktrip and filled the tank FULL! and head already 45 minutes late. Stresss was an understatement on Tuesday night.

Purrrrfect.........

Ok...my cat, Heidi (technically she's not quite a year so she could be considered a kitten but for all tense and purpose she's a cat that I treat like a dog when she allows me!) is so interesting and keeps me humble. Where my dog will love me all the time...Heidi is a bit picky. She just hates it when I get into one of those cuddling moods but she purrs loudly as she's trying to get away. Other times she purposely blops in front of where I am walking so that I can scratch her head with my big toe and the purring insudes...but my favorite time is in the bathroom. She loves to attack the cloth shower curtain when I hit it with my hand. She thinks this flimsy curtain is protecting her from my hand and then she really purrs. How silly can she get, it just amazes me. Then I realized this morning that some how I've been doing that with God. Wanting to be rubbed on my head but not with a hand, wanting to cuddle while trying to runaway, and wanting to play as long as I'm in control or so I think I am. How much do I want to be a spirit who wants to know her maker intimintely. It all goes back to searching and knowing the Heart of God. That's where the comfort I seek is...

Divorce....

Ok...don't panic for the 3 people who read my blog...I'm not getting a divorce it is just a example of something that my sponsor put in terms for me. I am going through somewhat of a divorce with an issue. It's like a marriage splitting up and the wife keeping her ring. Why...to remember what it stood for, when the times were good...it's all part of the fairytale ending. Can I give up and throw away my "ring" and move on? With my issue there is not a fairytale ending. It's got to be over, done with, finished -- but can I really do that? I feel so attached even in a bad relationship that I think about the object and it is not just an object or is it?

The Heart of GOD

I'm reflecting back on my experiences in Colorado...some in disbelief I was even there but I know better...I have pictures and notes to prove it! ha But one of my assignments was to read parts of a couple different books. The book that has had an impact on my is called "The Scared Romance: Drawing closer to the Heart of GOD" I'm rethinking why this book had such an impact on how I look at things. It's not like there was a lot of new matterial or new insights that I haven't heard before but I think it has more to do with the Holy Spirit awaking thoughts that I've pushed aside. Somehow in the past year my head and heart ended up on to different journeys and neither of them felt like they were living! There has to be more to this life! The Heart of GOD...we affect him...I affect him in everyday living....the mundane things of this earth, God finds pleasure. God's desire is to love and have me love him back...not because I have to or because he demands it but because I choose to. (freewill)

"Above all eles, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of Life" Proverbs 4:23

To lose heart is to lose everything!

"Faith looks back and draws courage; Hope looks forward and keeps the desire alive. There is more to this Life."

Back in the "saddle" again...

Well, back to the real world...as I returned to Oklahoma on Saturday...I was greated with the heat and humidity! How I long for the cool crisp mountain breeze but I have picutures to remind me of those days. It was a good break even with all the work. Yesterday was very busy on the job but it was good to be back. (can't believe I'm admitting that one! ha) But it seems very fitting to get back to the swing of things. And with swinging comes the highs and the lows. I'm doing better and adjusting to changes.

"Boiling" Springs

To try another Hot springs was an understatement but I first should explain why I decided to go take another bath (not that I haven't been bathing all the time I was here! ha) Monday, I went on a 2 hour horseback ride through the mountain terrian. It was soo cool. At first I was the beginner rider holding the reigns so tightly. I had a good little horse named "buttons". She was a ten year old mare. She of course know I was a little hesten to be on her and she had her way in which direction to go until I could get used to steering! (I have a brusie on my knee to prove where she ran me into a tree! haha) Go up the mountain seems so much easier as a rider then going down. I didn't know how many knee muscles I had until I finally got off at the end of our journey. One of the best parts was crossing the babbling brook (twice). Buttons of course had to get a drink in the middle of the stream which was fun! This leads me to going to the hot springs closer to where I'm staying. It was 140 degrees and oh how good it felt on my muscles I haven't used in such a long time! It was so peaceful. The pools were set next to another babbling brook and it was just so quiet and restful. My body really liked it and I did sleep pretty well that night. My time here is almost over and I'm looking forward to go home. Hopeful I have learned a few things that will keep me going.

Cottonwood Pass

I took a little drive up a few mountains...and got to the top of what was called Cottonwood Pass (over 13000 feet) it was only 60 degrees there with a strong wind. But the best part of it was there was still some snow on the ground. Being the typical tourist, I had to make a snowball and throw it as far as I could. HA I did a little hiking and took lots of pictures I hope turn out. After feeling like I fail a personality test...I was in awe of the beauty and could appreciate it more. I know how does someone fail a personality test...be opposite of the norm is the only way to describe my results. For once in my life I really wanted to be averaged!

"Hot" Springs...

no I'm not talking about Arkansas...I went to the Salida Hot Spring Aqutic Center...They have private bath tubs that you fill with actual water from the spring. Today it was only 100 degrees (cool for them) because there is still snow in the mountains...yes...in the middle of July there is still snow on parts of the mountain (I have pictures to prove it too! ha) It was just nice to relax and take in all that I'm doing here in Buena Vista.

"Walk-In" Computer Use....

Well, I've made it to Colorado and even have adventured out somewhat already. It's really beautiful here. One drawal back is I don't have access to a computer so much. So to solve this I went to the public library which is in a temporary house with only 6 computers....with peak season the waiting list was already 6 people long...I guess that's not to bad considering they only allow 30 minutes for each use and then you only get 1 hour for the day. So I guess I won't be blogging as much as I usually do...NOT! That won't stop me....Well, for now, I'll leave and enjoy the time I have before I have to get done to the work part of this trip. Thanks for stopping by!

Tight little package...

ok..so it's not so little but it sure is tight...in fact I had to pack 2 suitcases...just don't know what to wear so I'm bring just about everything I own (within reason -- winter clothes are still left in the closet except one favorite sweatshirt!) Can't believe I leave in a little over 11 hours...a little stressed, a little anxious but for the most part...comfortable in the decision to do this! I need to be in control of what I can control. Right now, I'm not sure what I'm in control of except what I think and that doesn't help the situations very much! One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one moment to enjoy.

TGIF...

It's Friday, friday, FRIDAY!!!!! OMG....can't believe it's finally here...my last day at work for the next 2 weeks! Friday....almost 55 hours until my plane leaves Tulsa!!! OK...now that I've completely flipped out over it being Friday....a few thoughts to blog (time to get serious -- Not)
Two thoughts on my mind that I guess I want to put down in writing just so I don't forget them.

First, HALT-B which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or bored...what I'm supposed to ask myself when I start to spiral down on my thoughts...which one of those is what is triggering that situation -- then change it...(that's the hard part!) Oh the work of Recognizing, Realizing, Replacing before I hit rock bottom!

Second thought, I came across 3 plaques that I think I'm going to buy...because I really like the saying if I can repeat it over enough maybe it would sink in sooner then later.

Today is a gift, Tomorrow is a promised hope, Yesterday is a wind at your back

Statistics-Addicted Influences...

Ok...if you reading this...your only one or two of my friend who I've given this link...I don't get a lot of traffic on my blog but I still have it sitemetered. I just read an interesting blog (that seem to be a hot topic with many links so you'll have to go and read it there) But I thought about 3 comments were pretty good or good enough for me to comment.

1. "And I trust that I have been able to be a blessing to others. It seems a terribly arrogant thing to say, but if I did not feel that was true, I could simply write my thoughts in a journal and keep it under my bed. Every blogger has to feel that he has something to contribute to others or he simply would not bother. As we have established, the cost otherwise is simply not worth the reward"

I've actually filled a journal and kept it under my bed but it wasn't enough for me...I was still keeping my thoughts to myself...maybe by sharing what's going on I'm helping the healing process and I guess I feel if I put it out there in a blog then I'm accountable for what I write...do I think I'm making an influence on other? Not really but maybe I showing that I do have some hope and that there are people out there that are going through what I'm facing they just haven't found my blog yet!

2. "The best things in the blogosphere are the connections you make, the relationships you form, and the posts that amuse, inform, and surprise - and those are things that can’t be measured ..."

I have shared with friend maybe one day with family but for the most part it does form friendships with others and it doesn't always mean I have to email.

3. "Chances are, you need to learn what's in your head and your heart even more than the rest of us do."

hot..Hot...HOT!

Well the weather report says it's only 93 degrees....but I swear its more like subzero in where I worked. I had to go out to my car to sit in heat just to thaw out! I must look pretty strange going to work in winter sweaters and long sleeve but I don't care! I used to like the cold but since I've lost some of my fat...I'm not quite sure that's that case anymore!

Purple Majesty...

A friend did something wonderful for me today...we had lunch...good lunch...and she brought me an amethyst neckless. A really big beautiful stone...not only do I love purple but it's also my birthstone so I know a lot about it but I thought I'd share it on my blog too.

Amethyst are the stone of the spirit...some say it's the first stone of recovery...while others say is means sobriety to them. I just notice that there is a fire in an amethyst that the light shines through. If you get into the weirdo stuff, some believe it is used as a dream stone and to help insomnia. Put an amethyst under your pillow to bring about pleasant dreams, or rub it across your forehead to offer relief from a headache. Although I've never tried I do find some peace when playing with one in the light. I tend to lean towards the Brazilian stone because of the color and clarity of a stone. While I have several stone this new one is very meaningful to me...I think I will wear it for a while...

tre's bien ensemble...tre's bien ensemble

To possess a sense of occasion...what is OCCASION? and how can you possess it?

1 : a favorable opportunity or circumstance

2 a : a state of affairs that
provides a ground or reason b : an occurrence or condition that brings something about;
especially : the immediate inciting circumstance as distinguished from the
fundamental cause

3 a : HAPPENING, INCIDENT b : a time at which something happens : INSTANCE

4 a : a need arising from a particular circumstance b archaic : a personal want or
need -- usually used in plural

5 plural : AFFAIRS, BUSINESS

6 : a special event or ceremony : CELEBRATION- on occasion : from time to time

As I was being held on hold for a very long time...the old beatles song was playing...I don't know what hit me but I just had to google "tre bien ensemble" to find out what it meant. It's something I just had to know. Why...I'm puzzled but it's kind of funny...isn't every moment by definition an occassion and taking possesion of that moment instead of living on the sidelines...I tend to do that now...living on the sidelines. This weekend was more hiding under the grass then any sidelines but I guess I'm out and watching again...one day I might want to play...who knows!

ps - the spider die today...of course don't know if it was the same one or a relative...it just went after me this time instead of my drink! ha

A foggy dawn morning...

After a 36 hours or so in a induced state of sleep...I'm wide a wake at 6:30 in the morning...can't seem to convenience myself to continue to induce sleep anymore...realitiy is still around the corner and I guess I just have to face what will come no matter what...

What am I most of afraid of:
Losing my job or being fired from my job...not that I can do the work but because of what others will think of me. I don't think it would have anything to with the way I work or get work done. It's all about perception and I'm afraid I've been labeled! Too many high ups will know personal information about me...I know, maybe I'm a bit paranoid but I don't think confidentiality has been used. They get around that with people "they think" should know because they would have direct contact with me.

OK then worse case scenario:
I lose my job...I could find another one and start over doing what I do well; I could adventure out and try a whole different field and use my EMT skills; I could sit at home and collect my unemployment checks while my husband works and wallow in self pity! I just hate the thought of being fired. Even as a temp I had never ever been fired. I've always done the best I could which was usually more then what was required of me! Fired has way to negative connotations that I think I would be devastated. It wouldn't be a good thing to happen with my frame of thoughts...frame of thoughts. I feel like the cartoon character with one conscience (evil) on one shoulder and the other (good) on the other shoulder. They are bickering back and forth using my mind as a tennis ball.

"Oh you can't do that...what would people think of you!"
"You'll get through it...take one moment a time..."
"how can you not see what's going to happen...it's just going to be so awful!"
"Don't worry about tomorrow, concentrate on the now...it will all work out!"

Creepy Eight-legged creatures...

eek! I can't believe I gave in to a spider for lunch today. Had to get out of the office so I went to the park to watch the squirrels. While sitting at the picnic table, a itsy bitsy spider the color of the stone was by my drink....moved the drink and the spider headed towards it again. Got up through away my lunch, came back sat down on the opposite cornor of the original spot...and here comes the spider again towards my drink...I was wondering if it had a death wish...but I didn't kill it -- so wanted to but it was the poor spider's fault! It was just weird and creepy how it was following me...now it sound paranoia but at the time I thought it was pretty funny. I finally got tired of moving my drink that I just left to go back to work.

Pillow Fight...

Well, I've been awake for the last hour and a half and finally decided that it was time to get up. Oh how I hate mornings! I used to be able to sleep though the fire alarm at college and now I'm wide awake at a meow of the cat...how unfair is that! I've tried to fall back asleep but my mind has decided otherwise...oh the wrestling with the pillows, sheets and dog (Josie thinks she has to sleep right next to my shoulder or head...when I toss and turn she is dead weight that I have to move her to get comfortable -- she is not always happy to be distrubed either!) To keep Heidi from waking me up...I generally ban her (close the bedroom door) so she can't get in...well obviously I didn't do that last night (guess I was already in pillow mode - in other words, the drugs were kicking in and I must become horizonal!) Oh an hour more to go until I can start getting ready for work! What to do in this hour?

Morning Glories

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God, may you good Spirit lead me on level ground. (Psalm 143:8-10)

Morning glories...after all the fireworks, the ones that I enjoyed the most where Morning Glories! How they start out in a hurry of a firey flame and towards the end into sparklers...this always seems to bring me to this passage in Psalms...I used it more as a prayer durning my college years. Now I'm just looking for the what is the level ground!

Dora's World....

Once upon a time there was this world in which Dora was out to save her best friend's friends....OK back to reality...I've been playing too much super nientendo (Mario's world)...but it does have some truth...don't we all think we can save others...from addictions, bad behaviors, and bad chioces. It helps to focus on someone else then dealing with things in our own lives. Saturdays, I go to a support/recovery group...this week was hard. Most of everyone's problems, habits, hang ups dealt with their childeren. Children...how alone in this room did I feel! Most of these women beat themselves up with shame from their past or how they yell at their kids or how bad of a mother they are when in fact they are a very caring parent who realizes that they are not perfect. Yesterday, the Cooper family got together to shoot fireworks...along came the newest addition, 3-week old Jagger (don't ask about his name...wouldn't have been my first choice either!) It was still pretty raw to see this helpless baby. Tiny hands and tiny feet & toes...how precious he was even though I'm not very fond of his father (Brent's cousin)... I couldn't hold him but I viewed from afar with urnings to hold. What does it feel like to be a mother? The tears of saddeness...oh how I want to go back to my own little world...

Post Note (7/4 @ 11:30pm) - Well, today was round two of the little muchin in which I couldn't resist to hold...oh what tiny fingers he had!

Chip off the old Block....

SPAM -- What is spam?

Spam is electronic junk mail or junk newsgroup postings. It often takes the form of an e-mail message sent to a large number of people without consent. Spam is usually sent to promote a product or service.

I just don't understand who comes up with the stuff that comes across my emails. It's not like I have any interest that should of generated the cookies that would tell someone I was interested in their product! To combat all the spam I have filters in place but recently I've been invaded...somethings have broken through what I thought was a tight barer! haha ...My secret... 3 emails....one to use for things that require an email address but I really don't want them to contact me (yahoo account); work email address for acquaintances (and they don't send everything forwards -- well one does but I never reply to them...guess that means I've broken many of many email chains...maybe that's what all "this" is from...not sending those emails onward -- NOT!!) Last account is my home address...which is the one that now has been invaded by spam...so I now have a few filters on it but hopefully I'm not blocking things I want to see. (who am I kidding...I check my email so often...I pretty much weed out the spam with the click of the delete button!)
Blocked...I've been on the recipient's end of being blocked to where I really thought this person wasn't ever going to repsond to my emails...oh how I hate to be on someone BLOCKED LIST! Unlike the philosophy of spam...emails true intention were to communicate with others without having to wait for snail mail! (you still have some people who are not computer savvy but hey...they're coming on slowly! ha) When I email...it's because I wanted that particular to person to know some information that I really want to share with them. It's important to me...of course I have to remember it's not always important to them and I should expect a reply or comment from them...(I, of course, think it is polite to send a reply even if I didn't think it was important to me...it was an FYI to me and I want that person to know I saw their email and read it...and then replied back to how I interpreted their information. Ok..this blog is on a interesting soap box...I didn't mean for it to go in this direction but it does make me wonder why I think email and checking my email is important to me. Some of my friends tell me that I'm checking my email a little more often then them -- ok a lot more often....I just want to be sure I don't miss someone and they think I'm not there!

One, Two...tie my shoe...

Well, I did a stupid thing last night...wanting not to stay home, I decided that being out in the heat was so much better (wasn't thinking clearly to begin with) So I went to a church softball game. I was good in the sense I brought a drink, wore light clothes, etc...but as I got out of my car with everything in hand and the promptly shut my locked door that I realized I had forgotten to take my keys out of the ignition. OMG!! I guess I wasn't a complete moran...I had my cell phone and had to call my hubby and ask him to bring me the spare set...needless to say, he wasn't a happy camper about it!

Today is the last day for instructors to be on campus. So everyone is busy getting checked out. It will sure be quite once most people are gone. Then came the real truth...I just couldn't do something that I felt was wrong...so I've spilled the beans about going to Colorado. (actually not everyone knows it in Colorado but that infor or selective info for some. The less details the less questions. So it's now unoffically out there (offically when I get my paperwork all done and turned in!)

Telephone Etiquette...

"Hello, may I assist you?" "How may I help you" "Would you like for me to transfer you to that person?" "I'm sorry I don't know that answer, Can I take a message and have someone call you back who knows that information?"

AAAAhhhhhhhh I'm at the switchboard answering phones in a polite and helpful manner. (well, when it's ringing...I guess I should be thankful it's not ringing that much or did I just jenks myself!)

Productive Member of society...

Ok...lately I'm not much of a tv watcher but I've got just a few shows that entice me to watch. One is The 4400. I don't know if it's the science fiction or if it could be possible...it just means we were all created for a purpose. My purpose from the government standard would mean I am the perfect productive member of society...I work, I pay taxes, I spend money (most of the time too much), and I my own (mortaged) home. Even on the personal/emotional side I guess I'm functioning at least at average or better...(means I'm not sitting by the window drooling but doesn't mean I don't want to do that sometimes!) Physically...I could exercise more and loss a few more pounds but for the most part...I'm health...don't get me wrong...I have the usually aches and pains and sometimes then some...I also have the distructive side but that's for another time and another place...with co-dependant tendancies...I sometimes wonder what is the society I'm trying to be a productive memeber of? Do I really want to fit in and not be notice? Am I just living on the sidelines or visitor's stands just watching life play out? When did I decide to give up playing? Do I want to play? All these thoughts from a tv show with little reality bases and me trying to personalize it to fit into what I perceive my little world could/might/should be. How bizzar!

Keeping it real...

I'm struggling with keeping things real and simple. I let too many little things turn in to mountains. If only I could stay on course and really keep going...I guess I do keep going by each moment that passes. By Saturday I had worked myself into a big panic...just didn't want to be in my own skin...didn't want to be around people...thought about going to the batting cages but that's around people...so the next best thing (or new thing) I went to the park in my neighborhood. It was quite...it was relatively free of people...and there was a swing set...I think I rocked back and forth for about an hour until I was calm enough to go home...but not as calm as I should have been before I went home...

Butterflies and kisses...

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Just living is not enough...one must have sunshine, freedom and a little
flower.

Butterflies go through a period of ugliness and awkwardness. Likewise, it's very
awkward to go through life with extra baggage. The bodies of caterpillars appear
very awkward with the extra legs and body sections they carry. Their bodies
almost look like extra cars on a train. However, after a period of time, and
intense solitude and construction, a beautiful work of art emerges. If someone
would intricately view a caterpillar, we would never guess that eventually it
would become a butterfly. Also, on the otherhand, looking at a butterfly, you
would never guess it¹s previous state of ugliness.

I'm planning a trip to Colorado the end of July and I've been looking for things to do when I'm not working on issues. So I came across a place in Denver called the Butterfly Pivilion where there are over 1000 butterflies flying around free throughout the year. I think it would be cool to see. So I found some inspirations by googling and wanted to share what structed me as amazing. Now I can't wait for the moment of seeing this site. I know right now I don't feel much like a butterfly...maybe a moth but maybe I'm still in that awkward stage (again) and change is good and just around the other side.

Things that go bump....

Well, yesterday was a pretty good day even being around a lot of people. As I was making my way home in what so many people call traffic (I'm from Maryland...Tulsa doesn't have traffic! ha) I had to stop at the Walgreen and get medication then go by Albertson's for dinner. Well, I guess I got ahead of myself. As I was merging off 169 onto 31st...I was watching traffic coming from the west and my car rolled into the truck in front of me....BAM! #$@$$ I just couldn't believe I hit the truck in front of me. He motioned me to following into the parking lot. (of course as soon as we turned he stop in the middle and I almost hit him again!) All I could think is I know this is my fault and know how much it will cost to fix my bumper.....oh the fretting...I get out of my car and look at my bumper and I didn't see any damage...hmmm I know it was a good BAM so I looked again...but I couldn't find any damage...The guy was getting back into his truck and he didn't have any damage to his truck...he said he was ok and then he left. Me still shaking after the incident...was left standing in the parking lot really confused. I then again rechecked my front bumper.....same as before. I guess God was taking care of even my bumper yesterday because that was the last thing I needed to deal with. You know the funny thing is I haven't told anyone about it but thought I would blogg it. Go figure. If I tell my husband, it will give him the anmo to tell me not to be so aggressive when I drive (again...I learned to drive in Maryland-- He thinks driving at 60 in 65 zone is better! ha) After all this, I keep remembering a dream I had earlier this week...and it was about a car accident (but not my fault) so I hope that doesn't come true!

Girlie Girl....

Ok...wouldn't describe myself as a girlie girl...I don't get into makeup...I don't have to have the latest fashion...I'm not hip on all the terms (I still used what I used in like in high school -- dating myself!) Yesterday one of my Wal-mart runs, I discover some really cute sandals...ok flip flops or what ever the new term it is for them! Cheap, right size, right color (black). Got back from lunch and had to wear them...(taking off my socks and bagging up the other shoes I was wearing to take home) I can believe such a little thing like finding cute shoes could make me happy...but I'll admit it...it did. Well, that's not the end of this story by far....so hang on.

I went to my step study group and since no one else did their homework for the week, it was decided that we all go over to a b-day party/cookout for a 3 year old....ok crashing a 3 year old's birthday party wasn't my idea but I thought hey, I'm out for the night might as well join some friends (it's not like I get this chance often!). Well, there where kids, dogs, adults and you name it over at this house. In the mist of it all was a very happy 3 year old girl being the princess of the party! After things were winding down, the little girl started to really look at all the "STUFF" she had gotten...low and behold there was a package of shoes...I mean there must have been 12 pairs of little girl dress up shoes with heels. Pink ones with fuzzy, blue ones with flowers, purple ones with ribbons..etc you get the picture. So this b-day girl and one of her friends had to try on all of these shoes and walk and jump and see how much noise they make on the tile...this were definitely girlie girls....or soon to be! The joy on their faces and the excement of have so many to choose was the best thing for me to watch. Because in my own way...I know what they were experiencing was the same feeling I had just that afternoon. But I didn't know that until I was watching these girls play. I forgot what joy feels like. I'm glad I was reminded.

The Tulsa Zoo....

Well, last Saturday my girlfriend and I decided we were going to spend time with each other and we picked the Zoo as a location. We don't always get a chance to get out together (husbands) but when we do it's like we've been in touch with each other every day. I miss talking to her lately. Anyways....the Zoo....we went there for the purpose of seeing the Koalas but were more entertained by the polar bear and lions. The polar bear with first on our site seeking tour...and was the funniest thing you see. He was playing with a ball and jumping on top of it...it really was cute and funny but you'd have to been there to enjoy it. The other interesting thing was the lions. The female lion was playing in the pond and caught a fish which tumbled down from the pond on to the concret. (not a happy fish) The lion went down to see this fish. She would try to pick it up but the fish was flipping all around. I think in one of her attempts to eat it she got that fishy taste because the next thing you saw was her trying to hack up a fur ball.....BIG FUR BALL! ewwwwww But it was cute and interesting. We saw the usually anmials and even chuckled at the fact there was anmials in captivity that we see every day....(black snake, crickets, etc) Overall it was a great day. We sat down in the middle of the park and had a good heart to heart honest discussion. It was good for both of us and reminded me why I want to keep this friendship.

Pruing....

Well, trying to find something to do other then watching tv...I sat out on my back porch and low and behold my rose bush was calling to me to prue off the spring blossoms that have so faded so long ago...well, it got a hair cut and then some...I might have prue a little too much but in the long run it will do well the second part of the summer. It smelled so good cutting the stems. Just like it was a blossom...I've always wonder why I can still smell it even though I've already been in side for a while. Ok...now here's when the lightening bolt woke me up...God's still pruing in me and ouch when it comes too close to reality. A friend wrote in her email to me something that is so true for me as well about counseling. She said "I would usually leave there a bit bummed that my "bubble" of my perception had been popped by the intrusion of reality! " Is reality in itself the shears or is that just the direction and we cause the severing? Just maybe what has been pruned away from my life will still leave a fresh new beginning and something to hold on to for the future.

Boundaries....

Where does boundaries start? and how to keep them once they've been set? I don't have a lot of boundaries...I like to think I consider others when making my decisions and how that decision will effect them. I think setting boundaries is like making the statement "it's all about me and this is what I exspect". I know I need to do this sometimes...I just don't do it all the time. I set boundaries with my co-workers. There are some I don't want to be around but I'm a team player...I just wouldn't choose them for a best friend. I really don't think I have a really close friend at work but I do have one I don't mind sharing some personal stuff with. I guess that's good. I guess I really don't have a clear understanding of what I should and shouldn't set as a boundary. That leaves me open to be used. I don't think people do it on purpose...well some do...but I guess I'm a giver and I just don't know when to stop and say enough is enough. Therefore I'm mad at myself most of time when I don't convey a boundary that should of be set. I should be a stronger person then what I am. I just want to be accepted and I fear rejection. There it is....that's my boundary....fear of rejection. I'll do anything as long as you don't reject me. Now's the part where I have to get over that fear...but how?

Lemmings....

Ok...back in the early 90s my husband had a super intendo which I bought games for and have since took over that machine since the creation of playstation 2.....well, I dug out a very old game call Lemmings....what are lemmings?

Lemming suicide is fiction. Contrary to popular belief, lemmings do not
periodically hurl themselves off of cliffs and into the sea. Cyclical explosions
in population do occasionally induce lemmings to attempt to migrate to areas of
lesser population density. When such a migration occurs, some lemmings die by
falling over cliffs or drowning in lakes or rivers. These deaths are not
deliberate "suicide" attempts, however, but accidental deaths resulting from the
lemmings' venturing into unfamiliar territories and being crowded and pushed
over dangerous ledges. In fact, when the competition for food, space, or mates
becomes too intense, lemmings are much more likely to kill each other than to
kill themselves.

The object to the game is to save as many lemmings as you can before the committ "suicide" in other words they are to stupid not to jump off a cliff after someone else just did! hmmm that trait sounds fimilar. Besides it's just nice to know I can nuke them all and start over! the power! the CONTROL and it's all about control with me!

Knot Funny....

Ok...a little sense of humor is coming back...but I've been reliving my crafting days of tieing knots making friendship bracelets or bookmarkers....have to keep my hands busy or else I start to fidget...fidgeting makes me more anxious. I do find I am grinding my teeth more and more this days but I have a night guard I were to bed. I know what does that have to do with knots.

Knots are actually pretty in their own little way. It's two knots per string and I've been doing about 2 bracelets a day. (really bored). So I think I'm getting away from the knitting and doing the knotting...what will be next to tidy over my mindless work.

Cottage Cheese and strawberries...

doesn't sound so good but it sure taste good. Guess I can be glad I haven't lost the love of food....haha Not to mention I had my quota for bananas already. Guess that's eatting healthy somewhat...(have to get some chocolate every now and then!)

Good things that happen today: I did some filing that took up most of my morning and then I was in an outlook class (boring) that took up most of the afternoon. I still haven't met my boss but he's promising to come in tomorrow and I guess will start there. Showed my new mounting with my wedding set. Since I've lost so much weight I had to get my rings resized. I went from a 11 to a 7 1/2. It is one of those things that I've been meaning to do and saved to do I just never got around to doing it. So for some reason I just had to do it last Saturday and I got my ring back this past Saturday. I really like it. I'm glad I did it even though it was a spontanous decision.

Not so good things: I kind of had an anxiety fit while sitting in class today. Had to get up and leave and come back I was better but it was a lot to take especially since it was so boring. (I think I knew more about outlook then the instructor!) Even though I'm having much better days I'm still doing something very very wrong and out of control. I can't seem to get it back under control no matter what I do...(well that's not true...I could give something up that would make it less convienient but I've even found a way around that too!) Does that mean I can't stop? Does that mean I don't want to stop? What is my real motive for continuing to do this? Do I really belong around people? Do I really belong anywhere/somewhere? I feel so lost but I'm not sure I want to be found or what I'll find is any better! I'm thinking I'm going to go hide in my closet with the door closed...

Reality Check...

hmmm what is my reality? Is it emotions...because I'm stressed, anxious, and worried most of the time...do I cause my own reality to be distorted? Yes, it goes back to that all or nothing. God, that phrase is in my head and bouncing around... landing on way too many situtation that fix the mombo jobo and makes me have to think a little harder to be so witty.

[Editor choice to change my mind in the wrong direction. I should of done this before I took my meds]!

Red Lights...

As I was driving home from work and then the bank/resturant...I ran at least 3 red lights. Mind you I didn't do it on purpose, I just was going too fast in time to stop. OK two were pink but one was definitely red. As I look back in my rear view mirror to see if I'd been caught by a police car, I thanked God that I made it through. I then ventured out one more time to do a strawberry run (for short cake desserts) at 9:00pm. This time I came through the intersection where I really ran the red light and there was a major accident involving at least 3 cars. It was bad. If someone a passenger in one of the cars I seriously doubt they made it just by looking at the damage car. That could of been me. I was being so wreckless earlier, it hit me that I could have cause something this bad by just running a red light. How I thought at that moment was if it was me, I hoped it would of killed me because I wouldn't want to see how bad I hurt other people with my carelessness. Now I'm doing the what if senarios and I just needed to remind myself that it didn't happened like that; that everything was ok and that God for some reason was watching out for me. Watching out for me. You mean I'm not an exception to his love? It goes back to my previous posting...all or nothing. God loves all and sometimes I feel like a nothing.